My daughter is 4.5 and often insists on doing things herself and trying to be independent, which is a good thing, but then gets really frustrated and may have a melt-down if she starts having trouble, and won't let me help her or guide her. Just this morning we were getting ready for swim lessons and she insisted on getting her swim suit on herself. Granted, it's a little tricky, because it is a tankini and the top has double strapes that cross in the back, so it can be a challenge to get your arms to go through the right places. She was able to do it last week without any difficulty but this morning she kept getting all tangled up, and getting more worked up the more trouble she was having. She kept trying over and over, and yelling and crying "I can't do it!", but would not let me help her. I kept telling her it was okay to ask for help, kept trying to sympathize with her, tell her I could see how frustrated she was and that this suit was a tough one, offer guidance and suggestions, but all she would do was scream back, "I don't need help!". I tried to let her work through it herself but it's frustrating for me to watch her struggle, and insist on not having any help, but get more worked up herself to the point of tears. And we reach a point where it's just taking too much time and if we don't get a move on, we are going to be late. I finally had to just take control of the situation, tell her I was just going to help her put the suit on this time because we needed to get going. She was not happy about it but oh well. I let her know I was proud of her for trying and maybe next time it would be easier.
Anyone else have a kid like this? How do you handle it when they are getting themselves worked up into a tizzy but won't let you help them out? Strong-willed does not begin to describe her! TIA!
I would also walk away and let her come to you for help. I would also reinforce the message that it takes a STRONG person to ask for help.
I just walk away when my son gets like that and let him come to me when he is ready.
Oh my, I sure can understand this situation! My son is very strong willed and independent. He likes to do things himself, and does not much care for being "helped". It is hard to watch them struggle, sometimes I had to walk away and let him work things out. It continued into school, he is very hard on himself and if he didn't understand something right away he would get frustrated, put his head down on the desk, and cry. He had a hard time asking for help from the teacher.
Finally, I found a system that worked for us. I put up a reward chart (at first homemade, and then this one: http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId...
And he would get a star when he did something all by himself, AND also (perhaps more importantly) he got a star if he asked for help when he needed it, instead of getting upset!
It has helped out considerably for us. Like with many lessons in life, we have to teach our kids that asking for help and leaning on the people who loves us is sometimes a very good thing!
My 5 YO is exactly like this and I believe I was too at a younger age. It is VERY frustrating for the parent b/c they get SOOOO worked up - tears, etc.
I just try to talk to her and calm her down - but like you've experienced it isn't very helpful. I look forward to reading the response you get!!
Ah, you have a little Type A perfectionist, don't you? While my youngest daughter has a mild temperament, she's still Type A personality and very independent. I've had to patiently teach her that it's all right to ask for help when she starts to feel frustrated. What's great is that even when your daughter is frustrated SHE'S NOT GIVING UP. She's trying to finish the task no matter how frustrated she gets and that's a wonderful, amazing thing that's going to help her as she grows up, is a teenager, and an adult woman in the work place.
So you want to encourage this drive of hers, but perhaps when it comes to things like this where it would cut into your routine you need to help set her up to succeed. Don't place a time limit on her if you can help it. If she feels that she doesn't have enough time and she's got you telling her "It's time to go, if you don't hurry we're going to get late" then that's actually making things worse. She'll get frustrated even more and that'll throw her off, make her speed up and lose coordination. She needs to take her time so that she can concentrate. Get her started in getting ready much sooner or get her a different and easier bathing suit to use. Talk to her about it before the change in routine and explain it to her,
This is experience talking.
My DD did that too. She is 5 now and it happens only occasionally. I think it is a normal phase and with DD I see myself. If I wasn't good at it I didn't want to do it as a kid.
I try to get her to calm down, by asking her to breathe and I calmly remind her that you need to practice to do things well. I also remind her of things she previously could not do at all but now does well. I try not to get frustrated about it, though clearly that is difficult. Staying calm myself helps a lot. If she starts getting really upset, I tell her (calmly) if it is going to stress her out, she will need to do something else.
i think once it escalates to a screaming/crying/frustration fit that you should put your foot down and help her do it. unfortunately there are times she CAN'T do everything herself. if she wants to do it herself, she needs to do it calmly and nicely (just like anything else). she also needs to ask for help nicely if she needs it. if she can't behave (and i know, she's frustrated, but it's no excuse to act like that) then you should help her.
you can use her strong desire to do it herself to motivate her to act properly while doing it. if she doesn't act like a little lady and do it nicely, she doesn't get to do it herself. if she wants to be a big girl and do it herself, she needs to ACT like a big girl and not dissolve into a screaming fit of frustration when it is difficult. (this is kind of funny/ironic, because my son is the exact opposite. he will get frustrated immediately and ALWAYS wants me to help him, but he whines and complains instead of asking for help. i always tell him, if he wants me to help him, he has to act nicely and ask like a big boy. "mommy would you please help me." no whining, no complaining. -for what it's worth for my son i always make sure he does the parts he's capable of, and he has to make an honest effort with the harder things, before i will help him or do it for him...)
My son was this way. I don't know whether it will work with your little girl, but I left him alone when possible. When not...... I explained to him that he was too young and had not developed enough to be able to do some things. Tried to explain that it's okay to let me help him learn and develop. That would help him grow. Everybody has to grow. If you can tell her a story about something you had to learn to do, or had to wait until you were older to do. Or a story about an Aunt or a friend. Just keeping talking to her and let her know there are some things she has to be patient about and develop into. In other words remind her she is still a little girl without belittling her capabilities.
You will still have some melt downs (my son did) but I backed off whenever possible, or got him to let me help him and do a task together........ I tried not to do it for him completely.
Good Luck!
I doubt this would work with something she's already done, but with new things you could just say matter of factly "Oh you have to be five to do that, You'll be five on your next birthday" or six. My son just accepted that as a fact. another way to compromise is "do this and this by your self and we'll do this together." or try "do you want to do the top by your self and the bottoms together or the bottom part by your self and the top together?"
Good luck. and remember this will prob be the teen (like my duaghter) who says "Of COURSE I studied for my exam, why would you need to REMIND me?"as opposed to my oldest son's "what?? Exams??"
I leave the room. I would say, "Sebastian, I see that you are trying to get those shorts on all by yourself. I need to go out to the kitchen and do ________. If you need any help come on out and get me!" And then I would go to the kitchen. 9 times out of 10 he would come out and ask for help. Then, I would just do it! Not lecture, or show, or say anything really. Just do it.
Can you imagine how frustrating it would be if you were trying to do something and your husband was standing right there..."If you need help, I am right here. There's nothing wrong with asking. I think you almost got it. You are tangled, let me help you" I would go crazy and tell him to leave me the hell alone.
Your daughter is trying, and that is great. Tell her how great it is, tell her you are in your room/kitchen/living room if she needs help. Then leave.
That's what I did, and still do if the need be.
L.
