I Can Do It Myself!

Hi N.,

My daughter's first phrase was "my do it" and her older brother was so mellow...I understand.

My daughter now tells me she felt like I didn't think she was as "good" as her brother when I was helping her with something. so, delivery of assistance was key...I ended up asking her questions instead of helping her by telling her how to do something like...Hmmm, what do you think would happen if you did this...This gives her the ability to try it and "find out" on her own.

Good luck

Is she like this with her preschool teacher or coach if she is taking any lessons? I'm thinking it might be the kind of thing where like I find it hard to take instruction from my husband, maybe she just doesn't want to look bad and want to impress mom. Just an idea.

What she is doing is so age appropriate. I wouldn't worry that later in life she will do the same. Not right now anyway. My daughter is 5 and the examples you gave (tennis/bike) would be the same in our house if I were to put her in that situation. When you were playing tennis for example, let her do what she wants, pick your battles. Nothing bad is going to happen if she doesn't drop the ball right, hit in the wrong direction, etc.. Some of her frustration might be because she is trying to make you proud -have you put any unnecessary pressure on her? When she is doing something the "wrong" way, be cool, tell her it's no big deal, keep trying and you'll get better and leave it at that. The bike thing, not a big deal, in the end she learned. Do you ask for help? Maybe in your daily life you could start asking her for help for things that obviously you know how to do, but just to show her that it is OK to ask for help. But my biggest piece of advice would be to choose your battles. Pause before you say, let me help you. Sometimes I just say to my kids when I think they need help, "oh, wow, you are doing a good job, let me know if you need help" and walk away. When I say it like that, they WILL ask for help if they need it.
M.

My second child was also a "do it myself" person. For 4 years, if she was balking at doing something like cleaning her room, all I had to say was, "Well, I guess I'll do it." She would immediately scream, "NOOO!!! DO IT MYSELF!" (At about 6 years old, she started to realize that maybe there were ways of being stubborn that didn't include doing what she was asked. ;D)

I've always been a "do it myself" person, so in a way I related. But, watching my kids, (I have four, ages 21 to 9) I started to see that a great deal of their stubbornness about things came from fear of being imperfect. That form of perfectionism is especially common in intelligent children - mine are intelligent, and your daughter is, too. They start to feel that because they are so much smarter than everyone else, they should never make mistakes or need help. When they do, it makes them feel worthless.

With two of my kids, we have to frequently discuss how good enough is, often, good enough. My thirteen year old still refuses to do many things unless he thinks he'll be the best one, and he'll be the best the first time he tries it. I've had to tell him, "Even if you're last, that's OK." He loves Boy Scouts, but often balks at finishing a particular reqirement that makes him feel awkward. Right now, he will advance almost 3 ranks if he completes one task, the swim test (jump into water over your head, swim a certain distance with one stroke and back with another.) I keep trying to tell him that he just needs to finish it, even if he thinks he's done badly, and be DONE with it, but he doesn't like the idea of just getting through. He doesn't want to do it until it will be up to his own (nearly impossible) standards.

On the other hand, with my other two kids, I have to point out why slap-dash, hurry through it work isn't good enough. With them, I have to insist on something that resembles actual effort, even if it's not their best work. Everybody's different.

So, the long answer is, she'll always be a "do it myself" person, but you can help her see that everyone needs help (and makes mistakes.) If you have to hire a repairman, an accountant, whatever, tell her, "I really need this help. I couldn't do that job on my own." Point out other adults, especially adults she admires, asking for and getting help. In time, she'll come to see that it's OK to occasionally be less than perfect.

It is a fine line teaching humility and encouraging confidence and independence. I too, have a VERY independent five year old (boy) that wants everyone to know he knows everything. Like your child, he frequently does get it right- but oh, the devesatation when not perfect. I read a book called Raising the Spirited Child. While I didn't agree with all their techniques, many of them really applied to my child. http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Percept...

Try cutting and pasting the link info above to amazon so you can check it out.

My daughter is the same! She is now 6 and has gotten better about letting me help her. I had to allow her to do as much as possible on her own and then praise her for whatever she did correctly or even what she almost did correctly. She wanted the validation. Also, she was better about receiving help once I tried to create a more affectionate bond with her. It is easy to get frustrated with a strong willed little girl and they feel it. I had to create opportunities where we could do "girl stuff" (she's my only girl and I have 3 sons). Also I had to go out of my way to be extra affectionate with her so she would feel more inclined to want help when she needed it and be open to my suggestions. I didn't think they were related, but I found they were. Once she started saying, "We're pals mom, aren't we!", then I knew that as a pal she would ask for my help. Our relationship has improved and I have respected her desire for more independence and have tried to create opportunities for her to feel independent and have praised her self-sufficiency and responsibility. It will truly benefit her a lot as she grows up.

I say congratulations, you have an independent little girl...let her do things! It sounds like she's up for help once or twice, but already knows she needs practice to get things right. Let her practice!

Firt, I apologize for the LENGTHY response but please read on :o)

Just some background (on me). I am a parent of 3 (very different individuals) and I have a degree in Child Development. That being said...

I understand that as a parent it is difficult to watch your child struggle or make mistakes. Also we feel it is our job/responsibility to teach and educate our children on how things are done; to share our wisdom and experience with them. This will hopefully help them in life to not struggle, have conflict and disappointments, however, I submit that as parents we can "squash" their enthusiasm, confidence, and sense of esteem IF we don't continuously encourage, appreciate, and even CELEBRATE the exploration, lack of doubt, and determination that most children have in themselves naturally. I say continue to support her enthusiasm in "doing it herself." Teach and assure her that she CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING she wants to and sets her mind to do!! This is something that we lose in ourselves as we grow or mature and are bombarded with negativity and "failures" along the years. Failures are only failures when you quit trying! "Failures," as we see them, are actually learning experiences. COnsider this: Robert Frost, one of America's greatest poets,labored for 20 yrs without fame or success. He was 39 yo before he sold a single volume of poetry. Walt Disney was once fired by a newspaper editor for lack of imagination. Gregor Mendel, the Austrian botonist whose work originated the modern science of genetics, never succeeded in passing the examination to become a HS science teacher. He failed biology in school. Babe Ruth, known for his record in home runs, stuck out 1330 times.

Appreciate her determination and simply remind her verbally throughout her growing years that you are always there and available for her to support her and help her when she wants help. There will always be struggles, challenges and obstacles along the path--so PRAISE her for her effort and learn to "get over" the need to show her the "correct way" (unless of course you fear for her physical safety). WE as adults are the ones who put our "self-doubts" and fears into our children by inhibiting them.

I am sure she will grow to be a successful young lady who will accomplish many great things with you as her mother. You are doing a great job! Continue to assure her of your love and remind her that you are a supporter and cheerleader through out her life.

And remember: for tasks or skills such as tennis and riding a bike, its all about practice, practice, practice! Let her keep at it and praise her for always applying her best effort.

GOOD LUCK!!
D.

It seems odd that two children can be so very different!
Yoir daughter seems bery independent.
When she does ask for help you will know she realllllllly does.
praise her when you see her asking for help.
Wow that she can ride her bike and she likes tennis.
If she can hit the ball across the court who cares where it lands tell her its AWESOME that she could do that.
a little pride will help with her frustration that she didnt make the ball land where she wanted it to land.
Most kids at that age cant do that.
She has good motorskills.
Dont teach her to jog, she might run to far ahead of you!
Enjoy and hug!

One thing that is good to do is to ask her if we don't get help we will stop us from learn in the wright way. I know how smart you are. Even I need help to choose the wright way. You many find that by you asking for help she will get to know that everyone needs help. What we do as mothers seem to teach our children quicker than any thing else. Example is the best teacher.

Hi!
First let me explain my situation... I am not a mom, but a nanny for 3 kids ages 7,5 and 19 months. I work 4 days out of the week while the parents do what they do. The five year old likes to be right and doesn't really like to be told when he is doing something wrong. I felt for your daughter about tennis bc my dad tried to get me to play several times and most of the time i couldn't get the ball to go where i wanted it to go. The mother I nanny for is also taking child education classes. I am not an expert obviously, but i have some ideas for you. You are using the internet which is great, you can also contact early childhood ed. teachers at a local college near you to recommend books or advice. I would say go to the college web page and contact them that way.. Normally they Have listings.. If you would like to contact a ECE teacher at my college i can give you her email as well. You can go to a local college and look through their selection. But down to the point. It is frustrating on both sides. With the 5 yr old i look after... (chase) always wants to be right, even if we are playing pirates he wants his way and when i ask why can't i have my way he says because its his game. The mother also had a book called between parent and child by Ginott. Its a little too touchy feely for me at some points but i have noticed some techniques work... By acknowledging and verbalizing the child's feelings we release some of their stress. Like if your daughter hits it in the wrong direction would acknowledge the try in a positive manner but also express how frustrating it is for something not to do what you want it to. ex:It's frustrating when the ball doesn't go where you want it to go huh?", "What do you feel like doing when the ball goes the wrong way?" I might even show them two types of hits... one where the ball doesn't go where you want anf one where it does. (AN important part in this is repeating their feelings back to them. I try to take it off of them and put it on me.. The oldest L OVES legos and ALWAYS gets frustrated with not having the right piece or any minor detail. I usually say calm down, stop crying, its not going to solve anything. After I read 4 chapters of the book i tried the acknowledge tactic. It didn't resolve the frustration like displayed in the book but i did notice a major difference in his response in accepting what i had to say afterward. he used to be so upset to the point of crying when he didn't have the right color of lego pice for his set... even though he had a dozen other pieces exactly the same except for the color, MY response was "When I put together things like a puzzle or legos or even when I'm cooking. I REALLY don't like when I am missing an important part. I makes me mad. But then i think what i can substitute for that piece... " At first he didn't want to use the other color bc that wasn't on the box. now each time me uses another color for legos he has to tell me the changes he made. AGain this is the 7 yr old. The 5 yr old doesn't even care too much about taping 2 pieces of paper in a straight line. My advice.. yes after my novel. . . Is 1 .. express how you know how hard it is to angel the racquet in the right direction so the ball goes the right way... 2.. don't make it so much about where the ball goes yet... maybe take about 2 min trying to get the ball to where it should go and then 2 min just to hit the ball. YOu can also make up songs about practice.. I can't sing worth SH*T but it helps sometimes... MY issue with the kids is picking up and I have made up songs about cleaning up is fun, and good and rewarded .... it helps. let me know if this helps at all.

i would let her continue to try new things by herself under you watchful eye which im sure you already do. she seems to be a very smart little girl. if you see she is having a hard time doing something try showing her how to do it a differnt without doing it for her. well i hope this helps a little bit.

Hi N.,

I think its great that your daughter is showing determination and independency. She is still very young and learning. Sometimes the best way to learn is by making mistakes. The best thing you can do as a parent is to keep giving her advice and be available when she comes for advise. Give her some time...........she'll come around.

Hi N.,

Your daughter sounds very strong willed and determined to be independent. That is very age appropriate. My daughter (who is now 24) was like that, too, (actually all her life, not just at 5). Her first word was "self". The mantra I used in raising her was: "this is a wonderful trait for an adult female". She is still determined to be independent and it is serving her well now that she is grown. Just roll with it and enjoy your daughter's personality. Realize that it's difficult to raise a child like this without putting a damper on her personality but it's important for her to be who she is and not some perfectly well behaved being.

V.

Hi, N.. Wow, your daughter sounds just like mine. Coincidentally my kids are the same age as yours and are just as opposite. My 5-yr-old (nearly 6) daughter is just like this. (Depending on the day I refer to her either as the family control freak or as my can-do kid! :-) Frankly I don't view this independent, tenacious personality as a problem, especially because my son is just the opposite -- he gives up easily and wants help with the most basic things that he could probably master if he'd just try a bit harder on his own. But re: the do-it-myself kid, I find this is only a problem when we're in a hurry to get somewhere. My daughter will eventually figure out how to do something on her own but during the first few tries it takes a long time and sometimes we just don't have that time! Then it becomes a power struggle over who will do the task (tying shoes, putting hair in ponytails, whatever), her or me. ... Something I've found works SOMETIMES: After she has worked on something for a little bit and hasn't managed it yet, I set a timer for a short period (depending on what's going on, maybe 1 minute, or 5 minutes, or 10), and I tell her that when the timer goes off, "it's Mommy's turn" to work on the task. On a good day my daughter is willing to abide by this. On a bad day she'll still fight with me when the timer goes off, but at least this tactic works sometimes. I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter having difficulty asking for help when she needs it. The fact that she is so determined to accomplish things on her own is actually a wonderful trait and will serve her well in adulthood. Maybe just reassure her frequently that if she ever DOES want help, that it's OK to ask you for it. ... My daughter is very competitive and I suspect that if I phrased this as "when you NEED help" she may resist but if I say "when you WANT help" she may be more open to the idea. My daughter is not a really big perfectionist, and it sounds like maybe yours is, so that may be the bigger part of the problem. I haven't had to deal with this part too much but maybe just continually encourage her when she doesn't get things perfect right away: "It's OK, you just need to practice it a few more times and you'll get better," then point out examples of when she has in fact mastered something after a bit of practice, like the bike-riding. (This is one area my daughter hasn't mastered yet. She has fear of the bike and no matter how much I work with her she is still nervous on training wheels! So even a fiercely independent kid can't manage everything without a bit of vulnerability.) Enjoy your can-do kid, she sounds like a gem.

Hi, N.,
As a licensed marriage and family therapist with a doctorate in psychology, I have a fantasy that I could teach every parent about developmental crises and mastery. I work with many moms who are not suffering, but who just want to have a few sessions to learn more about their children's growth and development challenges. I teach a graduate level course at Alliant International University in parent/child education and therapy. You can listen to my free podcast by going to my website and clicking on podcast: http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com
or call for an appt at ###-###-####.
Hope to hear from you!
B. Cunningham, Psy.D., LMFT

My son is exactly the same way! Be sure that she sees other people asking for help in a constructive, polite way, so she knows how to do it--but she probably already knows how; she just won't ask at this stage of her life. Also, make sure she says "No, thank you" when she doesn't want your (or someone else's) help.

You have a little, independent spirit on your hands - that's great. Though she'll probably always be a challenge, this is just a phase. Right now she's innocent enough to value her independence more than her fear of failure. Just continue to help her learn and let her take whatever guidance she wants for now. She will emerge from this phase with the confidence that she can handle things. As she matures, she'll learn that she needs to ask for help from time to time. She sounds like a great little kid. (Be prepared for the teen years, though!!!). Best of luck.

Kids learn in all different ways. Sounds like you have a child who learns by doing. Don't worry about the future, her learning will change, just let her experiment now by doing things herself. I bet you might also write here if she was not taking the iniative. Be glad you have a doer, she sounds like she is going to be a power to reckon with when she gets older, that is a good thing. You just may have a CEO, on your hands there. Be happy she is a power house!

N., You need to let her do as much for her self as she can, its how she is going to lern best and its about becoming independent. The frustration points will become the points at which she ask for help. I would not worry about her asking for hlep later on. I have a strong minded 7 year old who sound much like your daughter. Goodluck

I don't know that I have a lot of advice for you, but my 18 month old is already starting to act like that- it's like she puts all this pressure on herself to figure something out that she will literally stand there and scream until she gets it, and heaven forbid I try to help! I basically just leave her alone and remind her not to scream because it's too loud:) I would say just leave her alone, though. Don't even offer to help. It sounds like more often than not she will figure it out. But when you don't jump up and offer to help, then on those rare times when she does need it then she may realize she needs to ask. Or you may say "it looks like you're doing great, just ask me if you want my help!" then drop it. Also, do your best to calm her when she gets frustrated. But don't tell her she's doing good if she obviously isn't- at this age kids begin to learn that words are cheap. Only give her sincere, honest feedback. If she is having a really hard time say something like "wow, that looks really hard, maybe you should take a break." Sometimes kids don't want help, but they do want you to understand how hard they are trying! Good luck though!

Hi Mama N.,

I am the mom of a four month old boy. This is only an idea... I was a head strong little girl and to this day I don't like to be corrected by my parents. However I remember when I was little and I had the wrong idea about something, eventually someone, besides my parents, who I looked up to, would tell me this and it would make me see it in a new light. Maybe ask a friend that your daughter thinks is cool to help you out by putting them in the situation and she can tell her nonchalantly. In the meantime you should get it on video because someday (even in the near future) you and your daughter can look back and laugh.

Dear N.,

I would say just let her know that when she wants help, you will be there to give it to her.

(This is a little different) My daughter wanted to learn to use chop sticks (probably not too much older than your daughter). She just kept trying - when we went out for chinese food, it took her FOREVER to eat. I am ashamed to say that it drove my husband and myself crazy - we were not patient with her. But she stuck with it, and is very good with chopsticks - all self-taught!

Good luck!
B.

Dear N.,

I am a teacher and can tell you that this is a developmentally appropriate stage. Plus, she needs to assert some independence to learn. It sounds like she might be a kinestetic learner, which means she needs to try it out for awhile to really understand it. Let her. It is okay right now if it takes longer for her to learn something because she has to make some mistakes to get there on her own. It will also help her develop confidence if she knows in the end that she can say she did it on her own. If you sit back and are present to cheer her on with things like "good try" or wow, I've never thought about it that way", or even just watch and don't say anything, when she gets to a point that she wants some advice she'll ask. Tell her once and then let her try it on her own again. If you offer advice all the time, she doesn't have the chance to ask for it. Usually kids this age have a pretty good idea about how they learn best, so let her take the lead on this one!

N.,
My daughter is just like that, and it started when she was learning to talk!! She gets very frustrated when she cannot do things right the first time she tries it. She would get mad when she was learning to talk that she couldn't explain herself correctly, and when she learned to read she was mad that she couldn't just "know" like everyone else. She never threw a fit or anything, but she never accepted the idea that others had to practice and learn it, they didn't just know. Tennis was the same way. What I found, however, is that if I have her watch, either in person or on TV, what she wants to do, sometimes a couple of times, she feels a but better about doing the activity. She still doesn't take much advice from me in the beginnig when it comes to some things, and she is 8. But when she is at her frustrated point, then I ask her if she wants some tips. I never ask her before or during what I call her "try it out" time. I love the fact that she is always willing to put herself out there and try, so I have learned to roll with her personality. She's very well behaved with everything else, and since we adopted her "try it out time", things are sooo much more smooth.
Hope this helps!

Hi N.,

I have a daughter who wants to do everything on her own and screams when I try to help.

So here is what I am doing with my Daughter. I am changing my wording. Instead of "let me help" I say "let me do an example and then you try". Although she is a toddler she understands this and now will say "try,self" after she watches me do something once. I then let her work on it and try not to hover over her. She then is better about asking for help if she needs it because I am not standing over her. I see that this strength well be a double edge for her. Things like class projects will of course drive her crazy!!

Hope this helps,
H.