Would It Bother You?

If you plan to keep him on sports teams, start dropping him off and coming back to pick him up when practice is over. Don't stay and yell to him in the sidelines to run or kick or whatever-- that's the coach's job. (I would think YOU are embarassing HIM by mommy telling him what to do on the field!!)Let him know that if he wants to be on a team, he has to listen to the coach and you will be getting reports from the coach as to how practice went and if he is participating. If not, he doesn't get to go to games and he doesn't get to stay on the team.

You might ask him why he wants to play if he doesn't want to kick the ball. Other than that, leave him alone at practice and let the Coach deal with him.

My son has a friend who begged and begged his parents to get him on a little league baseball team, so they did. They paid for his uniform, bought him expensive new cleats and a glove. After the second day, he informed them he didn't want to do it anymore, that he "didn't like it".
They told him that he started with the team and he wanted them to finish the season (which isn't very many games). So, he would put on his uniform, but it didn't matter what the coach said, his parents said, his friends said, what position they put him at to get him to play, he just sat down. If the ball came right to him, he wouldn't move to pick it up or throw it back, nothing. He literally just sat there. I guess it just became a battle of wills because by goodness, his parents made him go to the games and practices and he just sat on his tush. They were pretty embarrassed, but I have to hand it to them for making him go anyway. They couldn't make him play, but they could make him go. I can tell you that his team-mates didn't think much of him just sitting while everyone else was hustling and trying to have a good game or practice. He just didn't care.
When he started bugging to play basketball after that, his parents just said NO. Soccer? NO. Those are two sports you definitely can get trampled just sitting down on the court or the field if you choose not to participate.
I personally wouldn't put your son into sports anymore for a while.
Sure, he says he wants to do it, but then the time comes and it appears he doesn't really want it that badly.
The whole point of soccer is kicking. You aren't allowed to use your hands on the field. If you don't intend to kick the ball or try, then soccer is definitely not the sport for you.
I think that sports are very important for kids because it teaches them about teamwork, sportsmanship, etc. But let's face it, if they don't participate, they don't participate. And it does no good to threaten to take them off the team if they don't really care about it in the first place.
I'll have to ask my son, but it seems his non-violent protester friend was about 9 when he began his sit-ins. They're 14 now and I like they boy, they've been close friends since the first day of kindergarten, but he's still the same. If he doesn't want to do something, he simply won't do it. So, his parents never risked the expense of the sports thing anymore. His dad is trying to teach him how to work on cars instead.
Save your sanity and lay low on the sports thing right now. It doesn't sound like it's fun for either of you.
Maybe your son is afraid of being embarrassed himself.
Maybe it's a matter of him thinking he wants something and then not wanting it once he gets it.
Who knows?
Maybe just take a break from things for a while. Some parents think their kids have to be involved in things when really it doesn't hurt them not to be at times.
I have one friend who had her kids in so many things her husband finally put his foot down and said, "Enough! No more! You can't even keep up with which kid has to be where on which day anymore and it's just too much!"
Just give it a rest.
Maybe talk to your son about the possibility of doing some other things like art or pottery classes. Maybe he would prefer spending time in the library or having a rock polishing kit or something, but unless he is willing to actually commit to something, there's no sense in trying to force it.
I will be interested to see what other responses you get.

Best wishes!

My son is very athletic and has been playing some sports for years. When he was your son's age, I put him in soccer camp. He had never played before. When kid's start that "late" in soccer they're with kids that already have 4 or 5 years of experience. My son would run the length of the field, stand in the corner and yell, "Kick it to me! Kick it to me!" LOL I was soooooooo embarrassed. When I talked to him later about it. He told me that the coaches were sending him to train with "little kids" --4 & 5 year olds. And, he's hated soccer ever since. I know soccer can be confusing because no hands, except goalies, some players can run the whole field, some half, some only in the middle. Maybe he's just confused? I know I was when I first learned the game. He also might have a little "stage fright". I know my son is very concerned about performing for me. I cannot sit in the stands when he pitches, because he always looks to me before he release the ball. And 90% of the time he releases early and throws high.

R., maybe you can take him to his game, drop him off and let him know you'll pick him back up. You can sneak back and see how he's doing, but you have got to learn to zip the mouth if you're yelling at him. He has directions from the coach and most likely you're just confusing him. I say this as an experienced "stadium mom" who has been corrected by the coaches a few times. :-/

As for thinking he's the best on the team, that's a developmental thing. My son (11) is just now realizing that other kids have the capability to be better than him. Appreciate his confidence and make sure you're his biggest fan. Always... with school, sports, whatever.
S.

Is this something that he wanted to do or that you wanted him to do?

Maybe Soccer isn't for him.

There is a little boy at our son's karate class that refuses to participate. his parents push him and he clearly refuses..because of them. when he forgets they are there he trys. Maybe you could leave him for one practice and see what happens when your not there. Or see if there is anything else he would rather do??

Good luck kids are confusing!

Your son may like sports, just not competitive sports. Sometimes we enroll our kids in activities" we" think are fun. Our kids may rebell by not playing. Have him try Kung fu, swimming,skateboarding, bike riding, tennis , golf etc. These are sports that dont make kids feel bad if they arent so good at it. My daughter loves these sports, just dont put her on a team, she freaks out! Kids need to find something they like and then they will flourish.

It's not uncommon for kids to get stage fright. Playing the game is one thing. Doing it in front of a crowd is another. As long as your child is having fun then he's getting what he needs from playing the sport. That's all that matters.

Hi R., Just want to offer you some support as I see you are getting blasted for being embarrassed. I am in the same boat as you. My son is 7 1/2 and wants to play every sport every season. He is almost always the worst on the team and I think it is more of a confidence issue then a athletic issue. He only touched the ball once during a game this whole basketball season. Just maybe dribbled it 4 or 5 times before passing it to someone else. That was out of 9 games. Do I get frustrated, you bet ya. For many reasons, 1 being that he has beat me one on one and is an excellent shot, 2 I often feel like he wasting time and money if he does not want to participate. HOWEVER, I have to stop and remind myself that, it takes guts just for him to be willing to try these new games, it is good exercise whether he has the ball or not, and we have to just wait for them to find their place be it what ever it is. I just try not to let my frustration show and keep my mouth shut ;) Some kids just don't have that competitive streak yet.

No. I wouldn't be embarrassed.
I hate hate HATE to play team sports. Really. I never did well at soccer. I never wanted to play flag football in gym. They put me in right field during softball and even then I ended up quitting in the middle of a game and walking home. (No, my mom didn't send me back) But you know what I did enjoy? Tennis. Dance. Gymnastics. I am so very glad that I didn't have the mom on the sideline yelling at me. It would have been horribly embarrassing to me. I would recommend dropping it and not "working" on it.

I would sit down with him and ask him why he didn't want to kick the ball or practice.

Ask him in a totally non-aggressive, non-dramatic way. Just tell him you want to talk about something and set him down with you.

Here is what I would do and say if it were one of mine;

Sitting down someplace comfy, no distractions. TV off, Nintendo off, etc... and nobody else around to listen. Just us two.

Me - "So, we need to talk about how come you don't play in the games when its time to. It really bothers me that we let you join the team, and that you didn't play the game or kick the ball. What happened that made you not want to play in the game?"

Give him plenty of time to think and answer. Don't accept "I don't know" or other ways to get out of the conversation - but don't be intimidating. This might be something that embarrasses him too... maybe there's a reason. Maybe there isn't - maybe he just doesn't like it at all and he is scared to tell the truth because he sees how much you want him to like it. Be very gentle.

Me - "I'm talking to you about this because its almost time to start joining teams again, and I want to know how you REALLY feel about it, because I want you to participate in something, but I want it to be something that YOU like and that YOU will play. If you aren't going to play soccer and kick the ball, then I'm not going to sign you up for it."

Let him digest that. See what he says.

Me - "Do we need to choose something else? Maybe we can look online together at things to do around here that you think you'd like better."

If he says he really really really wants to play soccer again - then make it clear that you need a few days to think about it before you say yes, because of the way he acted last season. Explain to him what you expect of him if he does join a sports team - and be sure he understands that.

Maybe you guys are just miscommunicating and opening up the floor for safe, un-punishable conversation is best. That way he can feel comfortable telling you whats going on... AND you can help him get involved in something he'll like.

But thats just me, best of luck to you guys!

There are coaches for this, your job is to cheer Mom. Turn a blind eye and allow him to learn from others.

Try videoing him out on the field, but not just him, everyone. then when your at home, pop it in & watch it with him. Don't lecture or try & explain what he isn't doing etc., just let him watch it. It may help him to see himself in comparison. My daughter her firast dance sessions was a bit non participating & when she saw the video, she told me that she really wasn't dancing & next class she really was into it all. She loves it now. I do not however try & teach her or direct her in any way. It is her class not mine. Hope this helps you.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to kick the ball? Is he afraid of being kicked by the other players? Maybe have him watch other teams play, even on tv and ask him to imitate what the other players do when you practice at the park and at the game. Yes, it is frustrating when they don't seem to be trying.

My son is the same way. He is 4 though and it is his first year as well, but amazingly, most of the 4 year olds are comfortable b/c they have been playing for 1-2 years already.

It takes time to build confidence. Sometimes, I have found that just simply working low key on the small things at home, like simple drills not in front of anyone is when my son is happiest. He is a perfectionist I think, so he was not wanting to kick the ball, miss and be embarrassed in front of people.

Try not to care what other parents think, it will show and make things even harder for him.

Keep encouraging him, and one day he will find where his interest lies. Maybe he would like Tae Kwon Do?

my son is the same way but younger (almost 5)... even at birthday parties while the kids play he won't join in. perhaps he's intimidated by the large group of kids?

My 4 kids have all played soccer at one point in time or another and each one has been a different experience, so I am familiar with your situation. I have also been on the coaching side of soccer. I think if your son wants to play and doesn't feel embarrassed, let him continue next year. The hardest part for you as a parent is do not get involved at the games or lecturing him after. Look at practicing with him one on one as time together rather then making him a better soccer player. Do practice with him throughout the non-season and look for the summer soccer camps that he will learn more then he will during the season. I don't know what the coach meant by toughen up, yet I would suggest to just sit back and watch the game without worrying.
Good luck.

Another mom on my daughter's soccer team told her daughter that every time she tried to kick the ball during the game, she would get a quarter :) Find something your son loves, and "reward" him for his efforts! Hey...we get "rewarded" with a paycheck from working, why not start teaching your son early that his efforts can pay off.

If this is his first year and he wants to do it next year go for it, it does take time to learn the concept of team sport. Morethenlikely all the other kids on the team have done it a year or two already and understands how to play on a team.

If he says he wants to, ask him why, he might just like hanging out with the boys. Also are these sports he picks or you, try different sports that might not be so team focused (swimming, tennis, golf, bike riding, karate). With more TEAM practices he could improve, the first time or two just let the coach know that your son might need some encouragement because it seems he may not get how to play that sport with others/team. A good coach will get the kids all involved.

I would be embarrassed BUT I never show it, and embarrassment happens when something does not go perfectly/right so therefore you are looking for perfection even if you are not a perfectionist or say so. If my child is having fun, who cares how good or poor they are at the sport. Might just need to get some thicker skin if your son wants to keep doing sports.

Maybe have him play "pick up" games with friends... just getting together with friends and kicking it around, no real structure just fun. That might help him learn how to be apart of a team. Playing/Practicing one on one is completely different then with a group in a structured sport.

I agree completely with Lets C. I think it's absurd for you to feel embarrassed by your own child when YOU may actually be the problem. You are not his coach, you are his mom and are supposed to be supporting him no matter what he does.

So, my answer to your title question? NO. And my suggestion? Drop him off and pick him up OR enjoy the game and keep your mouth shut.

Sounds like he's in soccer because you want him to be, and he really wants to please you by being the "best on the team." I'm getting echoes of my own childhood as I read your request; my mom so desperately wanted me to be bolder and more outgoing, and she pushed me constantly to do more, better, faster than I could. I was one of those who needed to watch and wait until the confidence to try on my own arrived. I seldom got that chance, because my mother was always pushing, pushing, pushing.

It was hell for me, and I'm sure it was for my mom, too. It gave me lots of work to do as I grew up and untangled myself from her emotionally. LOTS of work, and lots of mistakes, before I found my own authentic self. I hope you'll give your son plenty of room to be himself.

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