Frustrated with 3 1/2 Yo's Behavior

Hi Jae,

It sounds like you could benefit from going back to the behavioral therapist for more advice, and while you are there, I would suggest that you ask if your son might benefit from a more comprehensive evaluation, if you have only had the speech evaluated and have treated the things you see, and not been to see a Developmental Pediatrician yet, then you may have many other issues that he may be trying to deal with (as a three year old with langauge issues) that you have yet to notice are giving him trouble. When you have a child who is already diaganosed with developmental issues, you always need to explore how the behvaior may be related to his frustration caused by his uneven development, and (speaking as a Mom of kids like yours) you need to be prepared to check into new issues that you may not yet be aware of.

Developmental issues effect more than just one area. Even a small langague delay will have impact on everything else he does. You cannot tease out what is what. You do need to find a way to dicipline him effectively, and you may need help to find it. One thing that worked for my children with delays was to tell them what to do instead of what to stop doing. They can process this much more easily, and when they are successful, the are more likely to want to repeat it. Success breeds success, so set him up for as much of that as you can.

It is absolutely normal for you to feel like you don't like your son right now. It does not mean that you do not love him, but you are in a situation that no one would like or enjoy and you are not only sad about his challenges, you don't know if you should blame yourself or the delays, and you are greiving for the child you hoped he would be, but feel guilty for even thinking that he is not turning out to be the child you expected. I have been there, and it is difficult, but you have to forgive yourself for how you feel so that you can be effective.

Know that it is not just you, you are experiencing the conundrum that we all go through when children have developmental issues that are on the high end of functioning. It is not like a developmental issue that is instantly recognizable or diagnosable with a genetic test, we must apply typical dicipline and instruction and have it fail for our childrens' issues to come into focus, and that implies that we did not do what we were supposed to do as parents. That is not true, you did, and you will keep doing it, but you have to know that it is OK that you will not see typical results. You will see results, just slower, and with more effort than you ever though would be necessary. You will also need help, so seek out as much therapy for him as you can get as early as you can get it.

Preschool is not a required element, and if I were you, I would be getting a full evaluation prior to putting him in a school based enviornment. Examine the program very carefully and find out what kind of program he needs from a professional who has evaluated him completely.

M.

Jae- check out this book- "Happiest Toddler on the Block", it will help you with "discipline" and communication with your toddler. It'll also teach you how to short-circuit a breakdown in 60 seconds.

Also- "Talk so Children will Listen, and Listen so Children will talk"

Create an absolute schedule that is the same day in day out. If you know where he is emotionally and developmentally- engage in things he will enjoy. I'm sure the new baby has him feeling displaced. You need to re-establish his importance to you. What's happening right now is a power struggle between adults and your son. He can control food and his toilet behavior. Instead of giving him options on the spot- involve him in planning the menus for the week- especially where his meals are concerned. Give him a super simple list of items to pick from the grocery store and help remind him to pick the items out. There are so many little things you can do to help him feel more like he is important and a part of things. Have him help you with little things around the house. Make him feel important.

My daughter will help me clean the floors, she'll try to feed her sister, and give her a pacifier, she'll run to another room to get me- oh- let's say wipes- or whatever I need... She has minimal jealousy- and any time her sister is asleep I focus on her and playing with her. She is 28 months and speech delayed. I know the extra time and helping her feel important has made all the difference.

I'm sure there are times when the baby is napping where you can focus on your elder child. If you're lucky enough to get the kids to nap at the same time (mine often will -thank god-) it gives me some downtime and sometimes a chance to even nap. Pick up "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child".

Good luck- if you need more tips PM me =D

I think my 3 1/2 year old daughter is a version of your son. "I don't want to" is her favorite saying. It looks like some members have given you good advice. I have found that walking away from my daughter until she calms down and then talking to her about better behavior helps somewhat. I am interested in the book "Talk so Children will Listen, and Listen so Children will talk". I think in your case there is some baby jealously going on.

Jae,

I am afraid I do not have advice, sorry, but I need your advice please.

My 3.5 yr old daughter's teacher has mentioned that my daughter fails to follow instructions (not everyday, some days there are no issues) , and that she has to call her name several times before she responds. We have just returned from being out of the country for several months so my daughter is new to the school and teacher. The teachers seems quite young and often comes across as exhausted by lunch time when I collect my daughter.

We know there is nothing wrong with her hearing, my question is, at which point did you know to have your son tested, where did you have him tested and did you need a referral from your ped?

How long has he been treated for auditory processing disorder and what does it entail?? We have also just had a second baby and I am wondering if this is not just her way of adjusting to the new baby and I sometimes feel that kids are being diagnosed for all kinds of disorders when they dont fit the mould, but on the other hand I also do not want to stand oblivious to any challenges my child might be facing and need help for.

I would so greatly appreciate your inpu!!!

I hope you find some answers!

I just posted something very similar to this a few weeks ago. I am going through a tun of the same things. My dau will be 4 in November and some days are just plain aweful with her. I don't have a second child, kudos to those of you who do, I just have very little patience already.
Time outs don't work for us at all.
I am telling my dau one time, then physically enforcing it. If I say go pick up your shoes and she ignores me, I tell her once more to ensure she is listening and then go get her and take her to the shoes. They are doing nothing but testing us at this point.
If he watches TV, I would reduce it, this helps us a tun...our dau replicates behaviors she sees in her friends/public/tv.
Boys are said to be slower than girls with maturity etc. We don't make our dau share anything that is "hers" if she doesn't want to, but we are teaching her to tell the other child why she isn't sharing. If it is someone elses toy she isn't sharing, it is definitely enforced and explained at her level.

I understand what you are going through my son has sensory processing disorder. I have physical give him time outs. Which turns into a huge battle for us. Those are great ideas other have given you. does he see an OT? I found that helps. Good luck.

My only suggestion is to get down on his level and look him in the eyes and tell him, "Listen to my words." Then give him short directions or requests. Then follow it up with "Tell me what I just said."

Also saying . "I need to see your eyes, while you listen with your ears."
Again ask him to repeat what you have told him.

When he is defiant and says "I don't want to do that", let him know, you are not asking him, you are telling him.

The secret is consistency. Your husband has to get on board. Let him know you are aware it takes time and effort, but the changes will happen if you are both following the same rules..