Funeral

My grandma passed away in California when my daughter was 9 months old. I brought her with me and it was a great opportunity for everyone in the family to see her. For the service I arranged to have a friend there with me who was able to take the baby outside when she started to fuss. It worked out well and having her there with me was soothing.

I think it is perfectly fine and possibly appropriate to leave 3 very young children at home.

Perhaps if you only had one or they were older, but at their ages, I would leave them home.

I think your aunt will have so much on her mind at the funeral that she won't have time to care one way or the other. If however, the subject comes up because you left the children home, you can let her know that you wanted to be there for her, and devote your full attention to her needs. Let her know you'll bring the children by soon for a visit, but for today you wanted the opportunity to come and be there for her during this loss.

My suggestion would be to.. leave them at home for the funeral, and if there is any way you can possibly bring them to the after get together if you guys are having one. That is what I'm going to do with my girls (23mnths & 7Mnths).. my grandmother just passed away as well.
I think that the funeral is a time to grieve, but the wake afterward is a time to re-visit old happy memories and be close with your family... and I'm sure your Aunt would love to see the kids after everything she has gone through.
I hope this helps and it is an option.
Good Luck and I'm sorry for your lose,
Cori

We had 3 family deaths in a matter of 4 months from eachother in 2007. I was very close to all 3 of them. I think it's very appropriate to leave them at home with someone. That's what we did. It will allow you to grieve without having to worry about the kids and what they are doing. Also, for kids, seeing mommy cry would be confusing and tough for them at this age. They would also be incredible bored! It will also allow other people to grieve without distraction. Kids this age tend to not want to sit still for too long. We left them at home for the funeral and then we had them at the reception afterwards. My husband lost his grandpa last September and we did the same thing in that situation. They were not at the funeral, but joined us for the potluck and reception. This way you get to grieve in peace without the kids and then your aunt can see them at the reception (if they are having one). If they are not having a reception, I would still say to leave the kids at home and then arrange a time to have your aunt over for a visit or even go visit her with the kids. Either way, I think that they would be better off at home for the service itself. I've been to funerals with kids and it's very distracting! Good Luck with this and I'm so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel! Please let me know what happens and how it goes.
T.

We just did this over the weekend. It was a close family friend that my husband calls an uncle, but similar. We went to my MIL's house and I stayed with the kids while my husband and his family went to the funeral.

You might take hubby and kids to the area and stay at a hotel or with another family member. That way dad can sit kids and you can say good bye without having to worry about your kids being bored or wanting your attention, and your aunt can still be able to see them after the funeral and it might brighten her day.

I'm sorry for your loss,
D.

Your kids are much too young for a funeral. The grief of others would be overwhelming for them and you would have to care for them and wouldn't be able to express your sorrow or help your aunt during the day. As much as you believe your aunt would want to see them, this is not the time nor the place for that type of interaction. A visit later will be better for her and them. There will be a lot of people in attendance, she won't be able to spend the time that she would ordinarily spend with them. As time passes, and it won't take long, the attention and company that follows a death will subside and she will need your family's visit. Take them then. My sympathies to you and yours.

Hi E.,

I'm so sorry about your loss.

I think that it would be appropriate for the kids to be with a babysitter since they are so young. I've gone to funerals and did not take my youngest. I felt that was appropriate. I think your aunt will understand. This is a time to be there for your aunt.

I will tell you this much.....always call your aunt, or go by to make sure that she's doing alright. OH! Always make sure that she's eating a sensible meal too. Sometimes grieving widows may refuse to eat anything at all. If she has any health issues, try to keep up on her meds. Something light. Soup is a good one cause widows will tend to eat very light. Their heart is aching beyond what we can even conceive.

My dad passed away December '07. I've called mom practically every day just to check up on her, she lives in a different State. Also, what I've learned from one of my teachers is that when a person becomes a widow, they may appear that they are doing fine, but the reality is, that when they are alone at night, that is when it's the most hardest for them. They will be thinking about their loved one and rarely sleep. So, it is good to keep a good eye on your aunt and keep her busy. She will never get over this, BUT if she allows herself to move on (just a hair), then she will have an easier time and eventually heal, little by little. Keep in mind that she will never get over him. My mom is a pretty strong lady and thank God she has a job to keep her busy....thank God that she has grandkids to keep her busy too. But I'm just thankful and relieved that she has a job. She is coping and learning every day to live without my dad.

All you can do is to be there if she needs a shoulder to cry on or just needing someone to talk to. That is so important.

I wish you the best and send my condolences to your family.

I think that it is fine to leave the kids at home during the funeral - they seem pretty young to understand (like you said) and to act appropriately (even if they are good kids, do you want them acting up during a service)? Also, I think that it is more important for you to be able to grieve - which you also point out. If there is any type of reception or gathering following the service, I think that it is fine to bring the kids to that. When my dad passed away, we didn't bring my infant son (he was younger than your kids), but did bring him to the gathering after - which was nice because he added a little bit of relief for people who were all sad...Your oldest one might be able to handle the funeral - don't know if its an option to bring one and not the others...but his age seems like it would be an appropriate one to introduce death...

So sorry for your family's loss. I'll pray for you all to receive comfort and peace in this time of need. As for your young children, they probably don't need to be present. I know that comforting your aunt with the children might help her feel a tad better but children that age don't necessarily need to be at a place that is meant to mourn. They won't understand and might feel uncomfortable. It also depends on what the environment is going to be like. I had a friend who's grandfather wanted a happy get together to remember him by, not a dark mourning. Not sure if this helps. Again, so sorry for the loss. God bless.

When my dad passed away a few years ago, I didn't take my kids to the funereal. My oldest was only 5 at the time and the youngest was 1 1/2. I personally would rather my kids have good memories of their 'Grampy' even though they were still little there isn't many. If your kids were older (like teens) then it might be a little different but they are really too young for something like that IMO

I think it is fine to leave them home while you go to the funeral. However; if your husband is going with you, you could ask him to take charge of the kids at the funeral. We had four deaths in my family last year. I did bring my children to all of them - mostly because I didn't have anything else to do with them - but a lot of peoople did not bring their children. Only a fraction of my grandmother's 26 grandchildren were there, and I think that my kids were the only great-grandchildren there. At first I thought it was kind of weird, but my then 12 month old insisted on talking and laughing during the eulogy - it was like he felt like he had to fill the relative silence in the church. Luckily my husband was there and took him out into the foyer, so that I could grieve. I'm sure that your aunt will understand, and maybe you could bring your kids to the wake - if there is one.

Leave the kids at home. Your aunt loves your children, but get them together at a different time. It is okay for just you to go.

Take the kids, arrange for a sitter before you go through your relatives down there for the funeral, and have them at the reception and other times. That way the kids can see their aunt.If you can't find a sitter, go without the kids.

I am so sorry for your loss. W.

E.,

This is too eerie. I also have an Uncle that passed a few days ago. He and my dad were like brothers and I remember spending lots of time with that family as a child. I have chosen to stay home with my kids and have the funeral in my heart. Like you neither of my two children knew my Uncle that well, and I have commitments that keep me at home and unable to go to the funeral.

That being said, if it would help you gain closure, go to the funeral. Go, and have peace of mind about going alone and protecting your kids from unneeded confusion and raw emotions that they man not be able to cope with. Explain to your aunt that you chose to leave them home in this time of emotional upheaval to protect them, and that you didn't want to add more of a burden on her grief.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

And HUGE hugs too for your loss.

I have done it both ways and found that when I had the kids there I was too focused on them and not able to deal with anything else. I left the kids the last time I went to a funeral of a close family member and while a few of my family were upset that the kids were not there it was better for everyone that I didn't have them. I would have had to leave mid service for lunch and nap time then come back. (my kids are not very flexable when it comes to feeding times ;-))

Go with what would be best for you. You are going to support your family and say goodbye for your self.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. As someone who has lost a lot of family over the last year I know this is a hard time and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

C.
Mom of a 2 &1/2 year old boy and 16 month daughter

Hi E.,

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

If it were me, I would leave the kids at home. A death is never just about the funeral, it's also about how the family processes this enormous loss. Your children can't begin to understand why everyone is so sad, crying and possibly angry. Not to mention, it sounds like you would like the freedom to express your feelings without worryint that it will upset your children, which is very thoughtful.

Perhaps you can leave the kids at home and reassure your aunt that you would love to visit as a family soon. She may not be supportive, but you must do what's right for you and your family.

Hi E.~

I am so sorry to hear about your loss..I lost two very dear people last year so I hear your pain. Don't take the kids! You really need to grieve. It is so important. When it comes time to talk to your aunt pull her aside and aplogize for not bringing them - but that you want to arrange a time to visit with them when she is ready to have you. You may find that she is pretty open to this and that she may want to enjoy them without the grief of the loss. I am doing this with my sister friend so that we can enjoy seeing each other and our babies without the overwhelming feeling of loss.
This is a hard time and I hope you can find some comfort. *HUGS* and I send you my best and my prayers.

Maybe bring a sitter or friend to where the funeral is and they can watch the kids for you? Then your aunt is able to see them and see that life does continue even in the face of death. We had a close friend of the family pass away unexpectedly, and his widow thanked us for bringing our daughter to the memorial. It might even be best to make a tentative plan and then check that it works with your aunt?

I think they are too young to go. Go yourself and grieve the way you want wothout them. If your aunt asks tell her just that

leave them at home! if your aunt says anything just remind her of their ages and that you didn't want them disturbing the people who are there to greive. also, you are there to honor and respect your uncle and the kids might distract you from that. plus, they won't understand why mommy is crying and that may make them upset too.

fyi, my son was 3 when his great-grandma died. i told my ex-husband it wasn't a good idea to take him because of his age and he didn't even know her but he insisted he needed to be there. well, at the burial my son says very loudly, "look dad, i'm dead." and layed on his back on the ground with his eyes closed and his tongue sticking out. totally embarrassing for his dad but quite normal for a 3 year old to act.

I have been to many funerals and unless you are having a traditional Irish wake where the entire family and their kids are together for a few days. Then do not bring your children. They are far too young. Your Aunt will most likely not even notice. And during the service if your children can't sit still or be quiet, the polite thing to do is leave the service and go outside. So you have the chance of missing it all together. I think it is a really healthy thing to think of your self right now, and to allow yourself to grieve.

It is accepted in our family clan that the little ones either stay home, or if the funeral is out of town, then a sitter can be hired to stay with the kids in the home or hotel you are visiting. It serves no purpose to take them to the funeral. D.

E.,

I am sorry to hear of your loss. Please don't take the children. They won't be able to sit through the service and you will end up disciplining them instead of grieving. My grandma died when my older son was 2 and we left him home for the service/graveside but brought him to the reception. My cousins did the same with their kids. Good luck and God bless.

P.

Libby,

Funerals are for the living. I don't see anything wrong with not taking your children, especially if they didn't know your uncle very well.

Sincerely,
C.

I am so sorry for your loss. I think what I would do, is be honest with your aunt when you get there. Tell her, given your children's ages you didn't feel it would be good for them to see mommy upset, and yet you know you need this time to grieve. I'm sure she will totally understand where you are coming from. You might also mention to her, that when things calm down for a bit for her, you'd love for her to come for a visit, and that you know the kids would love to see her. I am 65 and have been through many funerals, and I have 5 children. It's just not something I felt comfortable subjecting the kids to while they were young. As they get older, and understand death, it's much easier...but not at your children's ages. Hope this helps, and hope all goes well for you.
God Bless,
K.

Hi E.,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your uncle. About two years ago my brother in law died tragically from meningitis. My son at the time was 3 months. I didn't feel that he would deal well with being quiet at the memorial service and I also needed the time to grieve without worrying about my son. What we did was a friend of mine watched my son while we were at the service and then once we got back to my in laws house for the reception she brought him over for us. That worked really well for us, especially since both my husband and I really needed the time to just grieve at the service. Being able to do that I'm sure would be even harder with toddlers plus your kids are not going to understand what is going on.

Hi,

Sorry to hear of your loss!

Just the morning of the funeral, I have told my daughter (age 3) that mommy will be crying today, but it's a happy cry. We are saying goodbye to mommy's Uncle.

After the service the cousins played together so they were involved with toys that occupied their thoughts.

In our home we have talked about Jesus and heaven so she openly communicates with me. We visit her Grandma (my mom)at her gravesite. I do cry and she hugs me. I just tell her grandma is in a happy place with Jesus.

I personally think children can handle these events if you make it a positive one. They will see lots of people hugging so it's in a loving enviroment.

My best to you during this tough time!

It's absolutely OK for you to leave your children at home! In fact a funeral is NO PLACE for a young child. It's an adult time grieve and goodbyes. If your Aunt gets upset, she can always see them at some other time, in fact you can invite her to lunch or to spend the day. I hope this helps!

Elizabth,
When my uncle died, our family traveled from Oregon to California for the funeral. We come from a very Catholic family and it is traditional and expected that everyone attend regardless of age to say goodbye and pay our last respects.
Yes, children have no clue as to what's going on, but they do just fine. At the funeral, all of the teen cousins took care of the little ones so that the adults could grieve and pay last respects at the gravesite. (This was right after the church ceremony and the caravan to the cemetery.) The little ones played and allowed the adults their "time".
I remember when my grandpa died. I was around 5or6. I didn't understand what was going on, but I remember being with my mom at his grave site ceremony. I was emotion less, but it didn't affect how I am today. My mother cried for days, but my schedule never changed and our lives went on.

My mother-in-law died 8yrs ago. Just like my side of the family, all of the children came. Our son was 3mos at the time. Although we were all grieving, we were expected to bring our son. He was an absolute joy for all to see at her wake. Everyone who held him and watched him lit up with joy. All the toddlers and pre-teens took care of eachother. They played and had fun. Their joy helped ease the loss we were grieving.

Please take your children with you. Their presence will give you comfort in your time of grief. Just remembering what I have seen from toddler through my current adult life makes me sad, but I know how important family is to me. Wether it is a sad or happy occasion, children help to ease the burdon of grief and illuminate the joys of life.

Be well and bless you.

I did not bring my 2 kids to my Grandmother's memorial service last January. They were 2 1/2 and 4 months at the time. My in-laws watched them and joined us later with the kids at the more casual gathering following the service. No one thought anything of it. Young kids can't really be expected to stay quiet and still during the services. I say leave them with a sitter and have them attend a more casual gathering (if there is one) after the service.

I would just ask your aunt. My grandpa died in October and I wasn't going to bring my 5 yr old, but I was going to bring the baby 1 yr because he is nursing and my mom was sad because she wanted to see them both....so I bought them both. Turns out everyone bought their kids. We had a wake instead of a funeral because our family doesn't like the sadness that a funeral brings...so it was alittle more laid back, but people were still sad and crying of course. The kids just played and my mom was very glad I bought both of the kids. They were a distraction in all of the sadness. So sorry for your loss. I would just ask her and say that you have been debating about bringing them but didn't want her to feel sad that you had left them home if you decided to.

First off, I'm sorry for your loss. Second, I would recommend leaving the kids at home. My mother-in-law was killed in a car accident when my kids were 1 and 3. I chose to get a babysitter and leave them at home for the actual funeral, but went home and picked them up for the wake. In our family, a wake is kinda like a family reunion. It's a time to remember the person in a happier atmosphere. If you have this option, I recommend it.