Future mother-in-law...do They All Act like This?

My daughter had same problem with MIL. She did as you did, although she said this, "My baby is fed on demand. And he is demanding to be fed. Now give back my baby. Thank you."

Now MIL can tell her friends, my DIL isn't using a schedule!! She's feeding on demand.

Everyone is now happy. ( At least they should be!)

I don't have advice on the MIL but I do want to give you kudos for feeding on demand - I did that and it paid off with huge rewards. In this entire situation you reacted gracefully and did exactly the right thing! Good going mom, keep up the fantastic work!

Keep asserting yourself, she will eventually learn not to argue with you. You are doing all the right things, and if she can't understand that, it is her loss. You can't control how she acts, you can only control how you react to her. Be the bigger person.
BTW, I want to repeat that by feeding him on demand and by anticipating his needs you ARE doing the right thing. Don't let anyone tell you any different.

My SIL always tried to comfort my crying baby rather than let me handle it. I fed on a schedule though so I knew if he was getting hungry or just fussy for some other reason. I would take him from her if it was feeding time but let him learn to be comforted by someone other that me if he was just being fussy.

I won't be applauded for this but just wanted to let you know my experience. You mention your baby is gassy a lot - that can come from having multiple feedings over a short perior of time. The air that is in there gets covered by more food rather than allowing time for the air to work itself out easily. Sometimes a crying baby doesn't mean they are demanding food but need to be burped, played with, etc.

Ok I am old and a MIL and a grandma of 9, so I will answer you from MY prospective. Mom-in-law-to-be raised the man you love, so she must have done something right. She doesnt know you so she probably wants to help as much as possible and doesnt know her limits. Simply her asking through the dorr if you were ok, shows that she realized something was up. Then you said you were fine. So she is confused and saying 'whatever' indicates her feelings were hurt. You need to sit down with her when baby is sleeping and tell her how much you love her son, and what a great mom she is. Then say you want to be a great mom and that when your baby cries your hormones start acting up. (BTW this is a fact) So you don't want to insult her by taking baby from her, but you NEED to comfort him because your breasts hurt other wise. (true) Ask her if she wants to change him or help you by folding laundry or cooking a meal. After all she is there to HELP not watch you do everything. Then to sooth her ego ask her advice on different things. (She will love you for it and you dont have to follow any advice.LOL) Ask her what sonny's favorite food is, what he was like as a kid, where they went on vacation, does baby look like him does she have any baby pics?
Remember YOU are now the most important person in HER son's life. Treat her as you would your mother and keep her an important part of your lives and you should get along fine.
In case you want to know I have 3 DILS and get along great with 2, the other one tolerates me and I tolerate her. I made the mistake of telling my son why he shouldnt marry her when they were going to get engaged and he (dope) told her everything I said, so we got off on the wrong foot. 16 years later she is still not kind to me, but I ignore it, since I kind of understand.

Do not let MIL watch your child.
Period.
And, I hope you and intended/fiance/baby's daddy
are SERIOUSLY getting premarital counseling.

In answer to some of your earlier questions,
I have expressed serious concerns about this "relationship".
Based on all you've said in the past about him,
and now THIS, about his mother . . . .

I hope you've got some wise resources to help you with this decision.
There are too many RED FLAGS here for you to become
part of this family.

I'm sorry but the whole situation seems extremely negative to me,
for your son and for you.

S.

WOW! This is def not a case of grandmother trying to think she knows it all, she was straight out rude to you and said no you couldnt take your own baby from her...lol wow! I'm sorry for her! Maybe she doesnt understand nursing and how babies get hungry more often then formula fed babies. I'm sorry, dont let her get to you and maybe you can work around her.

Grrr.....LOL!!! I really do not like bossy people, ESPECIALLY when it comes to your baby. Wether or not she agrees with how you may be handling your child, too bad. It is YOUR child. I would've been irate. If this happens again, I would tell her flat out that while you appreciate her help, when you ask to have your baby there is no other answer then YES. As a mom, when your baby cries it is your instinct to want to hold and comfort him. And a baby that young most likely will be soothed by being held by his mother, and being able to smell her and feel her. She should know that! As a first time mom, and not being too comfortable with her I'm sure its hard to be assertive, but again that is YOUR baby. And no one should tell you no when you want to feed, comfort, ANYTHING their own child. Stick up for yourself, and if she doesnt like maybe she should go home. I dont see these scenes as being very helpful to you!

Tough situation but you did the right thing by saying you are his mother. Secondly, you didn't argue even though you wanted to. Thirdly, as bad as it seem, don't exclude her because of this incident. I would assume she said no so many times because she felt you being a new mother, it was her way of helping you out so you could do whatever, and then by her asking if you were ok, tells me she really didn't mean any harm. Also, by her saying whatever, she also felt offended and hurt that you "snatched" the baby away from her and probably underminded her ability to take care of the child for you. Unfortunately, she didn't communicate well her intentions, and most MIL AND MOMS like to take over and do think they can handle THAT particular child, because they have done so well handling theirs. Don't be harsh on her but at the same time continue to let her know you are the mother and do know your child best. She can offer to help or have her watch the baby when you know he won't be so fussy and she can play with him all day. So try to put yourself in her shoes too. It's really a give and take and you all have to live together, so don't rock the boat more than necessary.

I could have written this!!! Had the same experience with my MIL after the birth of my son. I think, looking back, it comes from 2 things. First, my son was the very first grandchild for her, she lives far, and could not WAIT to see him, touch him, hold him, etc. Second, she never breastfed, so did not understand how it all works, how they need to eat more frequently, etc. She also didn't understand that parenting is a little different today--mom wants the baby WITH her, not lying in a nursery crying, learning to soothe himself. I think, just as many women have expectations about motherhood, many have expectations about being a grandmother--they may not even realize that they have such expectations. It was VERY hard for me, and I felt like it put a strain on our relationship, and added strain to my relationship with my husband. Sounds like you handled things well--who wants to have an all-out blow-up in that scenario--I would have done the same thing when she asked if you were okay. Can your fiance go to bat for you, or would that make things worse? You can always do what my mom said to do--when he cries, tell her that your breasts are leaking because he needs to nurse! She can't really argue with your body. Or, tell her that the pediatrician has told you the baby needs to be taken care of asap when he cries, and that he should be fed on demand. Good luck, congrats on the baby.

P.S. I truly think my MIL thought she was helping. Her attitude seemed to be that a new mom should rest, that someone should step in and take care of the baby so that the mom can get a break, recover, etc. She didn't realize that it was more stressful for me to hear the baby cry and not do anything about it.

OMG, I'm mad just reading this!! I had a similar (although not nearly as bad) experience with an aunt-in-law and it TICKED me off!!! Do NOT tell me no I can't have my baby, I will CLAW YOUR EYES OUT!!!!! You are definitely justified in being mad and big pat on the back for handling it so well. Your MIL is a control freak!!! Shame on her!!!!!!!!!

That's probably one of the craziest things I've ever heard! You were good to be kind and tell her things were ok. I wouldn't have been so kind! I agree that your fiance should be the one to talk to his mother. And don't let ANYONE ever tell you that you can't hold your child. You're right, YOU are the mother! And don't feel badly, I couldn't listen to my children cry for long periods of time when they were young either. They cry to tell you something because they can't talk. At five weeks old, he's not crying for attention. He's crying because there's something bothering him. Stay strong. Good luck.

That's a tough one, but if your future mom-in-law is otherwise a nice person and not unreasonable, maybe just a little chat about your preferred way of handling the baby when he cries will help, without making a big issue out of it will help work out the snag in communication/method of dealing with a situation (i.e., that since he is on demand breastfeeding, you want to see if that is the problem before letting him cry). It's hard for two women who love a baby to both handle it at the same time the same way. I was visiting my 3-day-old grandson recently, and being so young, he rarely opens his eyes, so I said, quite playfully, "Open those eyes so Grandmama can see them." (I didn't shout..just made a playful 'command'(?), and my daughter 'Shhhhhhushed" me, loudly:-) I was startled, but she said, "I want him to be calm...and not have any stress of being demanded to do something!" (Huh?). I teased her about "Zen", then five minutes later, she could be heard loudly talking and laughing to someone near him. I wonder how calm that made hiim feel? Well, we just have to work these things out reasonably, and each try see the other's viewpoint. Of course, it is the Mom who has first say - but give Grandma a break! No tug-of-wars though, for goodness sake. Let the Mom win those if it comes to that, as it is her baby.

She is WRONG! I have experienced this w/ an aunt. She would have the baby and wouldnt give him to me cause thought he was nursing tooo much and should cry. It is very hard to assert yourself w family, please tell her next time this comes up that you feed on demand and are trying to anticipate the babies needs before he cries. So you need her to respect your choices on mothering. She cant tell you NO when you ask for your baby.
Good luck!

I think you handled it like a pro! You tried your best to be tolerant and kind and giving, but you put your foot down when it was needed.

Talk to your future husband and get on the same page. Possibly you can sit down together with her (or one of you alone) and explain how you would be most comfortable in the future. Get your guy to back you up and stand by you. He will probably have to set his mom straight at some point. Be sure your future MIL knows you want her in the picture but hope she will respect your wishes. If she won't then i imagine you will see her a lot less, and she would be a wise grandma to understand that.

I think that you do your best to be understanding, open and honest. Include her if she is reasonable, but if she isn't you will have to limit your time with her (and your baby's time).

i'm so sorry, she was super stinky on this one. Keep your chin up and know that you are a super good mom doing what is best for YOUR baby.

Every MIL is different - I got very lucky with mine. Part of me thinks she might think she's "helping" by "dealing with" the crying baby so you don't have to - and of course, it's not working cause he's so small. I would maybe think about her actions from that direction, and casually talk to your hubby about how she is with other grandbabies, if there are any. She may be the same way with everyone. Plus, she's 'old school' so some of the things she does, moms don't do anymore, and vice versa, which adds a little friction. Good luck!

Her behavior is inappropriate and I would not have her over to "help" again. When you are with the baby, you are in charge, not grandma. She has no right to say "no" to you. For her to refuse to hand your baby over to you when you said it was time for a feeding or for any reason, is not acceptable. You are not being overly sensitive. She is trying to assert authority and you need to assert yours clearly about being the mother and the person who makes the decisions. It is not her place to overrule your choices about your baby, and especially in your presence.

YOU are the mother, not her. She has no right to say no to you when it comes to your child. You need to assert yourself now, or she will try to run your entire marriage. I would recruit the help of your fiance in talking to her. If he refuses, then I would seriously consider postponing the wedding, because this will quickly become a problem in your marriage. Sorry - good luck. FYI, no, not all MIL's are like that. Mine is wonderful. She respects my opinions, and she respects my place as mother and wife. You deserve the same, or at least someone who can shut her mouth about it.

i agree with shira. some grandmothers swear they know everything and that is not the case. i refuse to let my son's grandmother on his fathers side touch him period because she likes to do things her way even when you tell her different! you should try and talk to your future mother in law first before you ban her or put restrictions on her because contrary to what some people think being a mother comes naturally to some people and they only need a little help and some need more help and advice then others. but anytime you feel uncomfortable about what someone is doing with YOUR child then you must put a stop to it immediately. you should also talk to your fiancee too to get his take on it. good luck

just be thankful you've got help! So many new Moms don't have anyone to help care for their newborns after they arrive. Of course he is your son and she had no right to say "no" to you....but she's probably got good intentions and is just trying to help out. (note that most grandparents think they know it all, most act like this. You just have to let it roll off your back.)
Lynsey

No! They are not all like that! I am so sorry you're dealing with this.

I would definitely recommend speaking with your fiance about this situation -- HE needs to set boundaries with his mom on behalf of your family (I firmly believe that it is the son or daughter's job to deal with and set boundaries with their parents; as you are getting married, your first alliances are now to each other and YOUR family, not the family origin). He needs to tell his mother that you both love her and want her to be involved in your child's life as much as possible, but you and he are this baby's parents and the decisions you make about raising, feeding, comforting, etc. him must be respected. I really hope this is resolved quickly and easily!

I've found that with the older generation of mothers, they seem to think they know better and you know very little. As far as your future MIL goes, I can't say that she's wrong because she has successfully raised children, but you've learned that you have to be more assertive with her. He is your baby and you need to do whatever you feel as his mother is the right thing for him. I'm sure that you will have this issue again with her--don't feel bad, but you have to be more tough skinned and assert your boundaries with her. It's not always easy, I know. Hopefully, your MIL gets the hint:)

WOW!!!
I think you should set the boundries!!!!

I don't know if they all do, but mine sure does. You did the right thing. Assert yourself. You also need to find ways to calm yourself after a confrontation that gets you worked up. I either journal or talk to another friend with a monster-in-law and then let it go. Good luck.

I think you are going to have huge problems with this woman in the future. Babies need to feel secure and loved. No one has the right to say no to you about your baby. If your fiance is not supportive of you in telling MIL her behavior is unacceptable - I would strongly suggest pre-marital counseling and re-thinking marriage. Her behavior is not ok. I was so shocked when I had my first one and how everyone is always telling you what to do.

No, they don't all act in any one way but all those relationships take special care and often the DIL has to be the grown up. We have to take the lead iin how we develop the relationship. I strongly disagree that your fiance or husband should do the communicating. You are responsible your end of the relationship. Let's try to remember they don't know how to do this MIL thing either. All they know is you are suddenly the most important part of their baby's life. They don't know how they fit in any more. Communication often helps. Best wishes.

Is your mother n law going to be babysitting for him? She might be training him to get used to her and bot the breast I know first hand how breastfeeding can make it difficult to share the responsibility of a baby especially when going back to work. Also some women act funny with a new baby around it brings up memories they may have went through. I would let it pass she might be upset she's losing her son right now.

I know this was a month ago, but I think she is being obnoxious. Keep
standing your ground.

My mother, not my MIL, is like this! I don't think it comes from a bad place...you, know, especially if your MIL is a first time grandma just like you are a first time mom, she may need to feel "needed" at first. You know what I mean? She may not really know what her role is exactly as a grandmother, but since the last time she held a babe in her arms, it WAS her job to soothe, comfort, and fix, she may be a little confused right now in grasping what her role as a grandmother is, as opposed to a mother. I think you did the right thing in asserting yourself...welcome to mommyhood! The earliest and most unexpected lesson I learned is that you have to be an advocate for yourself and for your child, more times than you think. It WILL yank you out of your comfort zone, you will cry, but you'll get better at it, and it will get less difficult and awkard as time progresses. It's all part of maturing into your new role as a mom. I forget who said this, but I recall some famous quote by someone...about how, whenever a child is born, so is a mother. Her experiences from as a girl, then a woman, then a wife, get redefined, and everything is new to her, in the same way everything is new to the babe. Just think to yourself -- all my little one needs from me right now is to be his mother. I am doing my job as his mother by listeningt o my instinct, asserting my role, and stating firmly that my child needs to be fed, and I have his milk to feed him. In time, your MIL will get the picture. She may eventually get over it...or, she may resent you for it, but, remember, in the end, you are his mother, and you are just doing your job. If that means you have to pi** off a few people to do your job, well, so be it. And move on.

.

I think you are understandably being protective of your baby. And, understandably, you don't want him to cry.
My mom always told me that not letting a baby cry wasn't good for them and in fact, there may be some logic behind that.
I don't mean letting them cry for hours on end, but crying helps keep their lungs cleared and sometimes babies cry even if they aren't hungry or wet or really upset about anything. Letting a baby cry for a few minutes won't hurt anything. In fact, that's how we learn to distinguish what their different types of cries mean.
That said, she shouldn't have told you NO. Like, "No...you can't have your own baby." If that's how she said it, then I would be offended too. Did she possibly mean it like, "No...you can't have him because I can't bear to give him up he's so sweet?"
It sounds like this is the first time she's got to see him or hold him when he cries so she might not have meant anything the way you took it.
I'm not sticking up for her.
Continue to assert yourself. This is new to all of you.
I hope you won't let this get things off on the wrong foot with your MIL.
Later, when you're calm and things are relaxed, maybe just tell her that when she told you no, you couldn't have your baby when he was crying, that it upset you. Just be honest with her.
Grandparents go gaga out of their minds sometimes when they get a new grandbaby and if you want to start a good relationship with her, tell her you understand that and hope she understands that you're gaga for your new baby too.
You have two men in common....your soon to be husband and your precious little son.
I really bet the two of you can learn to love each other and respect each other.
My mother in law and I were two very different people, but you know what? I absolutely adored her. She was so good to me. Things were a little awkward at first, I admit. I wanted to include her in the wedding dress thing and she wanted no part of it. I took it to mean that she wasn't all that supportive of us getting married. I didn't know how else to take it. It turned out, that wasn't the case at all. She wanted to see it for the first time on me when I walked down the aisle because she was so proud of me and she didn't want anything to ruin that moment of seeing me in my dress the day I became her daughter.
I hadn't anticipated a mother in law coming from that angle.
All I'm saying is that you might have a bumpy start at first, but please try to find a way to get close to this woman so you can find mutual respect for each other while she's there with the new baby. My MIL was my best friend and as strange as it sounds, it really can happen. Even if you see things differently. I lost her far too soon. I'd give anything to have her back with me now.

I really think you can find a happy balance with this woman.

Stick to your guns, agree so see things from each side and forge a bond between the two of you.

Best wishes!

Hi,
I haven't read the other answers yet, but apparently a lot of moms are feeling your pain.
If it were my situation, I would ask my fiancee to speak to his mother and get this sorted out quickly. Have him tell her that you are the boss and that's that.
This could be just the tip of the iceberg, not boding well for the future, unless you get a handle on it right away. There is no excuse for causing you to be so upset that you cry in your room. These should be happy times for your family. If your future m-i-l doesn't get her act together, she should be banned from the home.
Take control. Now.
Good luck!
"Grams"
from the Pocono Mts. of PA