Get 4 Year Old to Listen

I wish I had some advice for you, I also have a 4 year old that wont listen. If you get any good advice could you pass it on. thanks, C.

We used the method from the book "Childwise," which is to expect a "yes, mommy" every time we make a request or call our toddler. It takes some work and might be harder with an older child, but it's been good for us. When they say something else, we just bring it back to the, "No, I need to hear 'yes, mommy'", with consequences if it doesn't happen. It's helped our 2yo focus better. Good luck!

Hi, J. -
I feel your pain. My now 5 year old daughter is still in this frustrating mode. Here's what works for me. The next time you ask your daughter to do something... say.. pick up the toys in her room and she says "I don't want to", simply tell her that sometimes there are things that Mamas don't want to do, either.
If just the reminder doesn't do the trick, and she fails to pick up, just wait for your opportunity, and I promise you it will come soon. The very next request that your daughter makes of you (within reason, obviously) like to read her a book, take her to the park, whatever, simply tell her "Mama doesn't want to". If she's like my daughter, she will be stunned, and it will open up an opportunity to discuss her lack of compliance when you made your request. If you want Mama to do things for you, sometimes you have to do things for Mama. Even simpler, in the case of toys to pick up, etc., I tell my daughter that if I have to take time out to pick up the toys I won't get my chores finished and we won't have time to play outside - or whatever. It's doing the trick for me. Good luck!

HI J.,
I agree this topic can be tough, but one thing my firned taught me when my kids were little was to have them say "Yes Mommy"after I had addressed them. For example If I say "Clear your bowl and put it in the sink dear." They have to respond "yes Mommy" And if I get any backtalk or no response I looked them in the eye adn said "The only answer I expect to hear is "Yes Mommy".
IT really seemed too simple to work, but it sure did.

Good luck,
C. willis
www.WorkAtHomeUnited.com/Arizona
Helping families find supplemental income

There is a method we use called "Pivotal Response Training". Basically we have figured out what motivates our 6 year old (he gets to play on the Wii every night before bedtime for 2 games (usually about 10 minutes). This is the only time he plays on the Wii. We started with a few basic rules 1) do daily chores (he has two - examples - unload the dishwasher and set the table - these rotate weekly).2) use kind words (this means no cussing, being respectful, etc. 3) Obey mom and dad 4)be a peacemaker (no fighting, is a sibling wants a toy sharing, etc. If he is having difficulty with one of these rules, than I remind him, "Do you want to lose a game on the Wii?

The other thing we found important was asking once. A lot of times as a mom I would ask, and ask, and ask, then discipline. By doing it after one warning, then he takes seriously what I say right away and has learned to "listen for the first (and only) time".

Sometimes it is difficult to find what motivates your child so well. We started this over a year ago and this strategy has brought peace into our lives and helped my children to gain in responsibility.

S. from ProActive Parenting here. Thanks Elizabeth M for the recommendation.

4 yr. old's are dealing with the developmental stage that focuses on power. When she refuses she's trying to learn where the boundary is. She needs to know what are you going to do about it, and you don't need to correct her in anger. In fact the calmer you are the more serious you appear. The best way to understand this process is to look at it from that perspective.
Are the rules in your house clear and created using preschool words, and do they share what will happen when you don't do as told?
When this happens are you joining in the power struggle and ending in argument?
Are you allowing her to not do what you ask?

Since this is a short forum, I can't describe in detail all the tips I can offer you to help, so I'm directing you to two specific seminars on my site, www.proactiveparenting.net

My site has several short seminars that will give you new tools, new words and help you remain calm so you can handle this.

I would suggest you start with #2, Correcting Preschoolers. This shares a new way of motivating children when they refuse to cooperate. It sends the message, I asked you do this and you need to get ready to do it now. It has all the gentle/firm instructions, including words, and sample situations to help.

I also suggest seminar #9. This shares a very clear way to create rules in your home and shows how to implement the rules without getting into a power struggle.

Those two seminars should change this entire situation. Good Luck.

I have a 3 yr old that is struggling too. I saw the coolest thing at the playground at McDonald's. A mom told her daughter to do something one time, the little girl didn't. The mom calmly picked her up and said, "you have to learn to listen", repeated the request and it worked. I thought that's too easy. Being the curious person I am, I tried it with my daughter and it is like magic. She doesn't always respond the first request, but as soon as I say "you have to learn to listen" she does. It's really the simple things that seem to work best.

instead of 'telling' your daughter what to do, give her choices...
would you like to wear your coat or carry it?
would you like to be quiet in the house or loud outside the house?
etc....
just make sure that you are okay with both choices you present and it won't work if your choice has a consequence in it (i.e. would you like to stop whining or sit in time out)
have fun with it, it really made a huge difference in my kids' behavior and it lowered my stress tremendously!

We bought the book "1 2 3 Magic" and it worked wonders.

I'm a Love and Logic fan. I might say something like, "How sad, when you don't do your part to help out, I'm too tired to do my part. I guess you'll have to have cereal for dinner, as when I have to do your chores I get tired and I'll be too tired to cook dinner tonight." Don't just say it- do it. Complete her chores and then she'll have to "make her own dinner" because you're too tired. There are many ways to approach this. That's just one idea. Another one is to ask her once to do something and say by such and such a time (before bed tonight I need you to...) Then, if it's not done, go ahead and do it. The next day let her know that "It's sad that she didn't do what you asked, as you had to go ahead and do it for her and now you'll need to have her repay you with her favorite toy for the day." Good luck!

I've had similar problems (and worse) with my almost 4-year-old. Our problem was with bath & bedtimes mostly, but she also was having daily tantrums and trouble following our instructions for going to the car to go home, etc.

For the most part I've parented with a "praise the good and ignore the bad" philosophy, but there are times when that doesn't work so well - as her bad behavior escalated we thought maybe it was time to get tougher, taking away privileges, giving time-outs etc., but she just seemed to get worse.

I found this book The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child - written by a parent and prominent phychiatrist. He explains the most effective way of using sticker charts, rewards and praise in positive parenting - frankly, I've never been a big fan of sticker charts and rewards, and I'm not naturally an enthusiastic praiser, but he claims that if you do it following his method, it works, and the behavior becomes ingrained, even after you phase out the reward system.

So far as I can see, he's right. After 3 weeks, our daughter is SO much more cooperative and has been taking the initiative to go to her bath, go to sleep by herself after we read to her, and sleep through the night. She doesn't do it all 100% all the time, but it is so much better than before - I'd say problems have decreased 70-80%. In general we ALL are feeling much more positive and upbeat. I will be phasing out her reward system gradually, and feel pretty confident that she will continue the good behavior - of course there will be future issues that may require us to renew the method, but I that's to be expected. In fact Kazdin even explains how the method can be customized for teens!

Good luck, I feel for you!
Courtney

haha... i dont know if this is the best advise but it worked for me. my son did the same thing. so i used reverse phscology (sp??) and it worked when he asked for somthing i would say "you know i dont want too" his eyes got big and i explained to him that is what he did to his parents and how did it make him feel (in a loving tone) he understood because he hardley responded to us that way again. somtimes kids dont understand till they experience it.

Hi J.--I can hear your frustration, but your girl is perfectly normal for her developmental stage. Four is all about 'out of bounds' and these little ones go for extremes. The most helpful book I ever read was ""Your 4 Year Old" by Aames. It really helps you understand what they are going through and why and gives great tips for dealing with the problems in a practical and sensitive way.

There is a lot of good advice from gentle discipline experts on the web. I like Love and Logic..and Proactive parenting.
As you have discovered "time out" can backfire. It can become ineffective. You definitely need somethings else. There are some experts that say "timeout" has morphed (over the years since its creation) from being a real break (de-escalator) to a punishment. What child ever says "Gosh I really like that punishment you gave me...it shows how much you care!")?
If your 4 year old is ignoring you, she does not feel the need to please you. This is a loss of connection. (Even if temporary) A child's wanting for adult approval and affection (wanting connection) is the ingredient for real parenting and teaching to happen. One can say that only force, leverage, coersion is the other option. If you can...always find a way to keep the connection and good will (positive emotional atmosphere...not bribes)of your child, to make get them to mind. In the long run, it is much better than hammering down misbehavior with "consequences"...the politically correct new name for punishment.