Getting Along with Step-Daughter or Am I Too Controlling?

Sounds to me like you are doing exactly the right thing... and that she is pretty much a typical 8 year old.

1.Most children don't blindly follow instuctions. Break down exactly what you want her to do in small steps, and have her repeat it, like you are already doing. Then stay focused on her until she follows through. I can tell one of my kids to go brush their teeth, they say OK, then if I walk away it doesn't get done. I have to stand there and watch them walk to the bathroom so I know it's actually getting done right away before they "forget". I remember going through the same thing with my parents when I was a kid and I can hear my dad's voice in my head, "I know... you forgot." It doesn't make it any easier on me, but it helps me put things in perspective that they are normal!

2.You said she wants to wear what she wants and I wonder why you have a problem with that. My daughter (who is 10) doesn't OWN any clothes that she isn't allowed to wear! If it's an issue of her wearing a skirt that's too short, for example, make it disappear from her closet-- problem solved. When my daughter's shorts get too short (because she has grown), those shorts magically disappear from her drawer and it's time to go shopping for new ones. If it's an issue with school dress code like wanting to wear a shirt with no sleeves, then that is a SCHOOL dress code issue and she is not allowed to break those rules-- it's not YOUR rule, it's the school's rule-- get the teacher involved if necessary.

You didn't say if her mom is still involved in her life or not. To me, that makes a big difference in the role you take. If you are the only (or best) role model in her life, it's more important that you set and keep boundaries than it is to have her "like you". I think a parent is letting a child down if they let them get away with being disrespectful and/or let a child walk all over them, so I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Keep up the good work, and know you are not alone. As moms, we are ALL going through the same thing, whether our kids are blood related or not

My son is only four, but I teach middle school so I've dealt with my fair share of discipline issues and bad attitudes.

Sounds like the status quo isn't working, so whether you're doing something "wrong" or are actually too controlling isn't the issue here because it's clearly wrong for THIS particular child. Since she seems to feel too controlled you might try giving her some more autonomy in certain areas. Like, if she wants to wear what she wants to wear, why not let her? Help her go through her clothes and pull only what's seasonally appropriate and then as long as it's seasonally appropriate, just let it be. Make sure there's nothing in there that's too small or worn out so that no matter what she picks it's fine. It might not match, but who cares?
For chores around the house, you could sit down with her and make a list of jobs she needs to complete (either every day or on certain days) and just post the list. You can post the times they have to be done by and then leave her alone about it. If it's not done by the time on the chart, remind her. If she ignores you go to whatever consequence you've set.
The high drama of arguing with her isn't making YOU happy, and it isn't changing her behavior, so just don't engage with her about it.

Hope this helps.

T.

Hard to say. How old is she? My 3rd grader has trouble following directions. She also only wants to wear what she wants and would wear the same shirt and pants for a week if I let her. Be firm, be consistent.

I know it's hard, but try not to take those looks personally. Really, looking at you doesn't hurt you. I would let those things slide. If she's disrepectful in the way she talks to you, that should be addressed. Any tantrums or crying - send her to her room. She can come out when she can talk without throwing a fit or being disrespectful.

I also would recommend this website:

http://www.empoweringparents.com/

Subscribe to their newletter and look through their articles. I've found them to be a great resource and a source of comfort.

Good luck!

Check out Love and Logic Discipline. I use it with my toddler and it works pretty well (never perfectly LOL). It's a teaching/discipline based model where you focus on giving choices/consequences vs. always telling/trying to control their behaviour. It's actually still controlling their behavior, but it's more subtle - more like directing. They have books at the library, may have videos, and also there are a lot of churches, parenting groups that hold classes for a reasonable cost (you can get the info by calling them (check out loveandlogic.com).

And pick your battles - let her wear what she wants, but within the school dress code. You may think her clothing choices are awful, but hey, she may have a creative soul :) As long as you don't buy things you don't want her wearing (like those skimpy clothes they seem to market to kids now), it's just a fashion arguement and not worth the time.

Worst case, get some family counseling. The extra stress of a newborn doesn't help much and you may need help emotionally "restructuring" the family.

Good luck and take care!

You don't say how old your step-daughter is.??

She sounds a lot like my 8 yr old son, who IS mine, hook line and sinker. His father says something and he responds right away. I say something, I have to repeat myself like 5 times, and then he gets mad at ME for asking him to do something. Mean eyes, throwing things, stomping, the whole 9 yards.

I relate it to the DS, Game Boy and Wii. We had put him on game restriction for 2 weeks, and he was a different kid! Responded to everything, but as soon as he got the games back, his old attitude came back.

So, my advice to you is to try and relax. Be frustrated but find a calming point/activity, and work with your husband to set rules that he is going to be supportive of. When I went to my husband about this, he laughed it off and said that I was on my own, cuz he wasn't having problems. Then one night in front of my hubby, I asked my son a question, he ignored me, I yelled his name loudly to get his attention, and my son went off yelling right back. My husband was shocked! He couldn't believe it! He had always assumed that I was doing something or being unreasonable. That night he saw that I wasn't. Since then hubby has been supportive and things have been better.

Good luck.
M.

I think that maybe what you need is to build a friendship with her. I would encourage you to take some mother daughter dates. Take her out for ice cream and just talk. Ask her what is going on in her life. The more she feels you care about her, the more she will care about your feelings. It is like that old saying, "they don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care." At that age often times respect has to be earned, they just don't give it. Good Luck!

try reading "have a better kid by Friday" a corny title yes, but really good info. me (step)son is 6 and i feel like i'm in your shoes, i tried his suggestions, and it has really helped me. best of luck to you!!

I would say that you need to get your husband to understand he needs to back you up on the discipline issue, and as much as possible have him the one doing the discipline. It just works better that way. Talk to your husband alone about how you are feeling and what the ground rules are for your house and then come up with a plan together. Then talk to your daughter together about rules and consequences. I grew up with a step father and step brothers and there were sometimes conflicts between step parent & step child & the best thing is for the parents to stand together! Good luck.

I just loved Tammi F's response! Everyone else did a great job too. That is a great place to start from. I know it's hard to raise kids and to type out a question about the situation, but I didn't see anything about positive reinforcement. Do you have anything that you currently use for her? Have you thought about switching it up a little? Someone below mentioned taking girl time with her... like ice cream shop. Some other suggestions would be scrapbooking, gym time, a 30 minute walk, hiking, camping, gardening, shopping, dinner (just the two of you). You need to have a meeting with her and her dad to spell out the rules that you and her dad wrote up. If she complies, then you can do fun things like what I listed, if she does not then she gets things taken away.

Good luck!

I don't have anything new to add to what the other moms have already said. It's all great advice. I just want to thank you for posting this. My son is 7 and a half and we have the same issues. It's just a relief to know that we are not alone in dealing with this. I often feel like I am doing everything wrong. I also had the same issue as Megan C. with my hubby often accusing me of fighting with my son. Anyway, I hope that things get better and you find a system that works for you. I look forward to hearing how things turn out.

These situations are difficult to handle and no matter what, you will probably always question your actions as a step-parent. I have been a step-child and am now a step-parent. As a child I thought I HATED my step-father. I hated our "blended family" situation and had a lot of anger about the whole thing. Mostly about feeling forced onto this new parent that I did not choose (or want to begin with). Now, as a step-parent, I wish my step-father were still alive so I could apologize for everything I did to him as a child. Although I never would have believed it back then, he did have the tougher job between the two of us. The point is - it is never easy, not for the child and not for the adult. I've been a "step-mom" for 6 years - since he was 4. He calls me by my first name and at this point probably always will, although that causes some confusion for my (younger) daughter. And, that is something else you should know to expect; what your step-daughter does and how she acts will always affect your son. That's how it works in a family, you know? I have to be careful myself, not to let that fact make me bitter. Every single time I have to explain to my daughter that she can not call me by my first name, like her brother does, and explain how she only has one mother and that is me (not her brothers mother), it makes my stomach turn and if I am not careful that can turn into resentment towards him. So, I think we (step parents) walk a very fine line. All parents do - but step-parents have to play both roles simultaneously and I firmly believe that biological children and step-children have different needs so the "treat them the same" attitude will only get you so far. I believe that you have to take into account that the child is not yours biologically and you will not have the nature-made bond that biological children and parents share and you can't beat yourself up for it. You just put one foot in front of the other and get through the tough times and enjoy the good ones. As to your specific trouble: are you being too controlling? I seriously doubt it. You are a parent, it is your job to set boundaries and enforce them. If you weren't doing that, you'd be letting her down. But every household and blended family has their own specific needs. We have house rules here. Rules for the kids and rules for the adults. I, personally, abide by a different set of "parent rules" for my biological daughter and my step-son. Although they each follow the same house rules for kids. That works best for us. And my husband (who is the biological father for both) is able to treat both exactly the same. But I can't. I accept that now, although it took some time. And that "fine line" I mentioned earlier? That line is the ability to follow those "step-parent rules" yet still command respect, and earn love, from my step-child.

Even if you like what I've said and it makes sense to you (and it might not) I can't tell you what rules to put in place. That's up to you and your family. I can tell you that since my family has adjusted to our set - we are much happier. Everyone knows what is expected of them and everyone has defined roles. Having a blended family will never be effortless, but it can be better than what you've described and what I used to feel.

Good luck to you. I will be happy to elaborate on any of the above in private message.

Did her behavior issues just start? You said that you have had her for 5 years. Does she live with you? Have you been a primary mother figure to her all this time? Where I am going with all these questions is Lucas. She may be feeling that you are going to love the new baby, whom is yours and Dad's, more than you love her. This may be her way of getting attention along with the fact that she is growing up and trying on her independence.
You may want to try and spend some mommy and me time with her, a movie, mall, spa ½ day and talk to her. Reassure her that you love her, no matter who else comes into your life and remain consistent with your time with her. Also engage her as the young woman she is becoming. Let her know that you will be relying on her for help because she is growing up and with more privileges come more responsibilities.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllll...She is 8 going on 18! I raised 4 girls and now have 3 of 11 Grands to raise. Three of my girls are wonderful,professional, great Moms...the one just 'doesn't get it',never will....anyways...I have a 9 yr.old Grandgirl here who is exactly going through whatever it is they are going through now! This wasn't the same until about 12 with my girls, I think it just is what it is regardless of your family dynamic, it sounds as if you are doing all the right things. Love her, tell her you do, disipline her (just as you are now) teach her right from wrong, make sure school isn't a problem, her friends are OK (sometimes THEY are pushing in wrong directions)you may not be able to change her choice of friends but you can not allow them around outside of school (another fight perhaps but that's why we are the parents and they are the kidz:)). Try to spend time with her without Dad & Baby Brother, shopping,lunch, etc.. I am a GS Leader for my Grandgirl as I was with my girls and that REALLY helps ALOT, I'm not suggesting you run out & become a GS Leader! It is just another avenue that is positive in influence, it could just as well being involved in her classroom,gymnastics,horseback riding, etc...
Good Luck, it's going to be a bumpy ride...BUT...the hugs make it all worthwhile in the long run!
A.