Ok I know it's normal for an 11 year old boy to be a little aggressive with his younger siblings (5 & 3 yrs old) but is it normal for him to compare eating with a fork to stabbing somebody ???! This happened at breakfast before school, he and his 5 year old sister were having breakfast and she likes to eat with a fork because it picks up less food LOL and he asked her why she likes to eat with a fork and does it make her feel like she is stabbing someone ? I immediatly went over to him and demanded to know why would he ask such a question to a 5 year old girl? and he answered with "oh no i said stabbing something" ofcourse he knew he was wrong so he tried to deny it but I heard him loud and clear , he was not wispering. And when I told him no I heard exactly what you said, why would you tell her that ? and he said " she doesn't even know what that means" that was his excuse ... then he tried to tell my he's sorry and that he is human and humans make mistakes...Ok maybe I should've titled the subject defferently but the thing is he is rude and disrespectful besides this incident he talks down to me and his father, he has no manners, he thinks that it is ok to tell us what to do for him instead of asking for it and he thinks it is ok to tell us no when we ask him to do something and as for the rude, yes he is rude because when he walks into a room he wont say hi to everyone unless you call him out on it, or you have something he wants like candy or money and he intentionally scares my little ones and my nefews that are only 2 and thinks he is doing no wrong by looking at them with evil eyes. The reason why I put StepSon is because we've tried to act like he is my biological son but he rather call me by my name then mom because he knows who is biological mother really is and he probably doesn't want to make her feel bad. I wanted to know if this comment of his was normal because of his mean behavior toward the little kids and he spends hours infront of the tv on the weekends playing very violent video games, and I am concerned that he will mix his video games with real life...
I think some of you said helpful things, I don't need insults I just need help on how to deal with him. So thankyou for your responses, I will take it into consideration for the next time.
It's actually a pretty normal comment for his age. He's looking for the shock-factor, which he got.
The back-talk was rude, but he apologized so just remind him that his younger sister doesn't understand some of the things he knows about b/c she's too young. Remind him that part of his job is to model good behavior and nice language for her, not to teach her words and ideas that will scare her.
Yeah, I agree with Carrie. Not enough info here for any sort of opinion.
Now that you've added more info- I 100% agree with Molly above. I think you grilled him unnecessarily for a harmless comment. He was being an eleven-year-old boy. You made him feel horrible and small for something that wasn't a big deal.
Wow. I think you really need to look at YOURSELF and the treatment of your stepson and your biological kids (I assume the younger two are bio).
It wasn't that big of a deal. Boys are like that.
He really made a giant mistake by saying anything YOU could misconstrue as "harmful" to the 5 yo princess, didn't he? Wonder if that works both ways or if she ever makes an "inappropriate comment" to him?
***ETA*** Oh--so now he's Charles Manson who HAPPENED to make a stabbing remark at the breakfast table today? My response stands.
Be aware that O. day YOUR bio kids just might be acting like this. Why, exactly do you allow him to spend hours playing "very violent video games"? Or is that just to get him out of your hair for a while?
Even sadder is his unaccepted apology and attempt to find common ground with you as a fellow human.
You have a pre teen boy in the house. Its fun to try and scare kids and you mention something about "evil eyes". Good grief. As stated before, boys turn everything into how gross they can be and how soon they can gross everyone else out. I don't think this is "mean" behavior. I think this is 12 year old behavior with a very controlling step mom. You say you have tried to act like his "mom" but that he calls you by your first name. First, you aren't his mom. Second, seems to me you aren't treating him like a son but like an "intruder" in your home. If he is playing violent games, who gave him the games? You get what you put into a relationship. Sounds like you have been negative towards this kid. Shouldn't be surprised this is what you are getting back.
Definitely sounds like you are too hard on him. My boys are 6 and 4 and make weapons out of everything. Not to be mean or hurtful, but boys are by nature into that kind of thing. Power Rangers, Transformers, GI Joes, etc ALL show these types of things. I would definitely cut him some slack and more calmly tell him that the conversation needs to change directions. I think his comment was completely normal for the age (though it's not something we want to encourage). You need to really think before you react to him because the way you react to his actions and words are going to shape the way he turns out and reacts to things.
sounds to me like an 11 year old boy with rather a hyper stepmom. why on earth does this make him 'rude and disrespectful'? he did a very typical kid thing (turn an everyday action like eating with a fork into a pretend aggressive scenario) and then you backed him into a corner with no possible way out that would please you, and are angry with him for not pleasing you.
there's no win for anyone here.
i suggest you lighten up.
khairete
S.
strange thing to say? sure.
Rude and disrespectful? I don't think so.
Chalk it up to clumsy, silly boy humor and move on.
He can be saying it for shock value or to get a rise out of you if you have a particularly acrimonous relationship and he has issues with his placement in the family. I had four brothers growing up and a number of guy friends and I can tell you that teenage boy humor is something a lot of us girls/grown women could not understand or appreciate.
Just read what you had added on. To me, it doesn't sound like a big deal. 11-year old boys don't have the maturity to censor themselves as well as us grown up parents do. And honestly, his comment to your daughter doesn't sound all that bad. I wouldn't make it into something bigger than what it really is: a thoughtless comment from an 11-year old boy.
Just something for you to consider.
ADDED: R., just read your second addition to your post. I think family counseling is in order. Blended families tend to be the norm nowadays but that doesn't mean that people naturally fall into this lovely copacitic relationship automatically. Sometimes it takes a lot of work to make a stepparent - stepchild relationship conflict-free and supportive of each other. You clearly have issues with him and he most likely has issues with you, his father and mother that also need to be addressed. I'm not saying who is right or who is wrong here but you have your point of view and he has his, and you both probably think that your point of view is the only one that exists so why listen to each other and try to reach a better understanding. Please go get counseling. Now.
IMO, boys tend to turn anything into a weapon (sticks are a favorite). Without context, I will say "yes" but I will also say that it might be a sign that he needs an outlet for his aggression. When my SS was about 12, he started to get squirrelly and his dad realized he needed a proper outlet for that testosterone so we signed SS up for a local park and rec football team. I would try to find out why he said that and what might be going on and direct his behavior into better outlets.
"yes he is rude because when he walks into a room he wont say hi to everyone unless you call him out on it or you have something he wants like candy or money and he intentionally scares my little ones and my nefews that are only 2 and thinks he is doing no wrong by looking at them with evil eyes."
These things are totally normal for an 11 yr old boy.
They need to be taught to say hi, But EVERYTIME they walk into a room? Why? We do not do that in our home.
The teasing and trying to scare the younger cousins is also normal, but instead of making it into a bog deal, just remind him, "they are only 2, so teasing them and making scary faces at them, scares them a lot longer than if they were your age.."
If he has never had older siblings or younger siblings all of this is new to him.. How to play with way younger kids.
It also seems like your expectations are your own secret until he does something you do not like and then you take it way out of proportion. (The hi every time he walks into a room)
Children need guidance not a hammer over their head or feelings.
Remember when you correct a child, you do not want to make them defensive or embarrassed, you want save some of their dignity..
"I am sure you do not realize his, but scary faces to a really young child is super scary." "Your cousins look you up to you, you do not want them to be afraid of you."
"Remember they are only 2, so be a little careful with them., I know you do not want to accidentally hurt them."
Take a step back and imagine you are only visiting a home every once in a while, but one of the people was always correcting your behavior.. It is pretty stressful.
I am a child of divorce and going back and forth to my own home and my dads new home with his new wife was very stressful. She had never had children of her own and had expectations of manners and behaviors.. Way more formal than our own home. We ALWAYS felt like guests, because we could never just be ourselves with out a suggestion or a critique. My stepmom NEVER changed, but we were expected to always change our behaviors in "her house".
Honestly, I think its you that has the problem. It sounds like he is just being a normal kid. Kids say stuff like that to see if they will get a reaction and just test the waters. You overreacted and grilled him on why he would say something like that--- I think you need to focus on having a better relationship with your son and let the little stuff go. Pick your battles and show him how to earn respect--but you have to be respectful of him too in order for him to show it back. Best wishes!
Molly
I think you might want to reread your question there seems to be a lot of anger and resentment there! I am a mom, was a stepchild and imhave children that are stepchildren and I have a 11 yr old girl and my 16 yr old boy is a huge video game player ( and violent games too- which initially his dad bought 4 him) anyway!
This child is 10, if he doesn't say hi when he enters the room that is normal- as child I distinctly rember one of the first rules my parents made after my mom & step father got married is that I must say hello to any adult if they walk into a room/ or i walk into a room. I didn't know! they made a rule!
I did not want to call either my step mom - mom- she wasn't my mom! or my stepfather dad- he wasn't my dad! i called them by their first name respectfully. my neighbor calls her step dad Mr. Scott (his first name) chose what you want to be called and let it go!
As for the behavior towards the younger children- sounds just like what I did to my sister or what my 14 yr old does to her sisters - doesn't mean its right but its pretty normal ! Boy does my 14 yr old like to get a rise out of her 11 yr old sibling! Argg!
Violent video games, My son plays lots- I won't let him play them in living room, he has his own TV espressly 4 his games. the violence bothered me and the fact that he has to talk to his friends and argg the stuff that comes out of his mouth! So i wouldn't let him play the games around his sisters!! He is a straight A student has gone to Advance math camp for the past 3 summers, Got very high SAT scores as a 7th grader - yes regular SAT, he has never been violent ever! he has played these games since he was 10 (thanks to his dad) I know that he knows they are games - yes I have talked with him about it! Multiple times. So if you are worried about Your stepson have his dad talk to him about the games.
One of themost important things I have learned as a parent in a "blended family" and a child in a "blended family" its always best to have the biological parent do the discipline or to make it seem that they do, and the adults in the family must represent a united front- all discussion about rules etc should be decided between the adults and then the rules should be given to the kids. But is always works best if consequences for actions come from the biological parent.
Sorry this is so long! Good luck!
Sounds like a normal 11 year old boy. Are you sure there is not something else going on in your household. You have to pick your battles w/preteens, teens. This is not a battle I would have picked. Maybe you should seek some counseling/or parenting classes on blended families. Video games(yes violent ones) are also normal for this age child. My son plays them and I am in no way worried he will mix it up w/"real life".
My 16 year old son says things he shouldn't in front of my 5 year old son all the time. I hate it. I do not want my son to say these things to his friends and get labeled as naughty because he does not know better. My older son does know better and refuses to stop saying things to him that are inappropriate. He tells me it's me who makes him stop and realize what's being said when I say something to him. Come on. He hears every single thing we say and asks questions. Maybe this is one of the small things he has said to your daughter. If there are worse comments then have your hubby talk to him. Good Luck. I understand where you are coming from.
I am in a very similar situation. My boyfriend of 3 years has an 11 year old that's out of control. He plays endless hours on video games and watches tv when his dad won't let him play games. I raised two boys, now 18 & 21. Who never would have behaved the way this child does. They are now great adults who holds jobs and go to college. Do not listen to these people saying it is your problem and you need the help. If he does not get the balance of discipline and love, doing chores and helping the family, he will soon become societies problem! I can't get to make my boyfriend understand he is raising a lazy, entitled, disrespectful adult because there is little to no discipline. No chores. Too much violent video games and movies. No reading. No real homework. Allowed to talk back to anyone. He is very embarrassed when he goes in public with him, but doesn't understand these problems start st home. I am ready to leave the man I love because he will not be a father, and the 11 year old controls the house. He urinates on the floor, there is toothpaste on the walls and floor, even outside the bathroom. It's not fair for me to have to clean this constantly. Ignore these people they probably do not know the whole story and it is bigger than post.
Oh, I definitely need more context for that one!!!
Hi R., I know you have already received a lot of feed back on this post. I just wanted to let you know that I agree with you. Yes, he is being rude. And the comment that he made is not something that should be overlooked. Have his father talk to him.
You and your husband should talk to him about basic manners. Your husband needs to stand with you on this. It does not matter if he is being a typical 11 year old boy. Doing things to scare the other children should not be tolerated. Just talk to him about his behavior and how it makes the younger children feel.
If he lives with you, than you and your husband should be able to monitor the kind of games he plays and the amount of time he spends playing them.Purchase games that are less violent. Find something else for him to do on weekends rather than playing video games. Do you have a Y that he can go to for an hour or two on Saturdays. Maybe even some type of sport he can play on the weekends.
Be blessed!
