Getting Angry at My Friends

Hello! I wish I could offer you some type of explantion as to why this is happening. I can tell you that I sympathize and know just how you feel, because I am having the SAME issue with my so-called friends. For me, a few months ago I was diagnosed with an incurable illness that has really been hard on me. I shared my bad news with them,hoping for the love and support that we usually can expect from good friends in a time of need. They gave me that for the moment, in that one call, then never called to check up on me, to see what they could do to help, nothing! Over time I did become angry with them because we had been friends for over 25 yrs, and I was there always through the kids, marriages, divorces, illnesses, giving my ALL!.Now they are always too busy, but it seems busy spending time with NEW FRIENDS. I decided then, that they were not really true to me, since it seemed I was 'expendable'. I realized that during our 'friendship' things had been one-sided anyway.I was the one always giving. Over time I had not been able to do as much for them, so they no longer needed me otherwise. So I considered myself lucky that I could now move on away from such a shallow alliance.I hold no grudge against them. I am building new relationships with my church family, and when I get lonely I have a couple of friends and my family to talkt to or do things with. Just find other methods of entertainment for yourself, and build some new friendships. People do what they want, they spend time with those they want to see. I am sure you are a great person-so share yourself with someone else!!! Waste no time wondering about why or why not-just move forward!!!

If you never get together with them anymore it could be they are trying to distance themselves from the friendship for whatever reason. Maybe it would be a good idea to seek out new friends. You don't want to make someone talk to you because you will know they aren't really in it like you are. I am sure it is hurtful but look for friends at chuch, your kids classmate's parents, gym, etc. Good luck and sorry you are feeling so hurt.

I am having the same problem with my child’s friends. Everyone says they love being around my son but we always have to do the calling and inviting. They don’t return phone call messages either. They do not turn us down when he asks them to do something or just come over to the house. But if we don’t call we don’t hear anything. It is frustrating for me and my son. My son has friends in the neighborhood that come over and want to play with him almost everyday. So, I know it is not a social problem with my son. He does very well with all ages of children. I have the same issue with the small circle of friends I have. They don’t live near by so we don’t see each other much. I get calls far and few between our meetings. I know that they are busy. I just contacted my elementary best friend and I am the only one calling her. She has not called me. We do talk for hours when we I call her and I ask her during the call if she needs to go. She is always grateful that I call and sounds like she doesn’t want to get off the phone. I don’t know. I guess people are so busy that they don’t have time to call people. With all the texting and blogging…I don’t do that stuff. I guess I am out of the loop. Hang in there and it could be that you are a better friend than other people. I don't think you are needy.

You have no more right to get mad at your friends than they have to get mad at you. This is not all about you. They have needs too. Your need level of connectedness is probably not shared by your friends. Everyone is busy and people don't want a guilt trip when they don't respond... so they may have started pulling back. Chill out. You need to stop worrying that your friends don't like you because you don't share the same need for connectiveness. They like you just fine, but talking for the sake of talking... so your friend will be reassured that you still like them... isn't appealing to everyone. You are getting mad at them for not sharing your level of connectiveness. What about them? You are making yourself a "to-do" item on their already long list. They can get mad at you for not respecting their needs. Everyone's different... respect their level as you expect them to respect yours. Don't worry... they still like you... just please... don't become a "to-do". You want them to be happy when they see you... not dread the "guilt trip" when you inquire as to why they haven't returned your calls!

Don't get mad at your friends. It may appear that nothing has changed but you don't know what really is going on with your friend unless they tell you. They may not really know themselves. Their job may not have changed, but the stress level may have. They may be having personal issues which they are trying to deal with and figure out on their own. Life does take over. I am seeing that with so many people I know, including myself. Life demands so much and as kids get older, the demands change with it. The change in the economy has also added a lot of stress to individuals. I definitely have friends who are more a friend to me than I am to them and I have friends for which it goes the other way. We need to love each other unconditionally, even if we are not perfect, which none of us our. It sounds like you are really needing your friends to be there for you. Try to figure out exactly what you are needing from them and then determine if there is another way for you to fullfill that need. You may just need to tell your friend(s) directly when you do need some time from them, but it can't be an all the time request. I like the idea from the person who suggested to schedule a small get get together over coffee or something. But understand, if your friends are stressed with life, scheduling one more thing could feel like an extra stress, eventhough it is probably exactly what they need.

Good Luck,
B.

I have to admit, I am one of those friends that forgets to call back. I don't do it on purpose, mind you. But, life happens. One day, I get busy running errands and taking care of the kids, and my husband tells me that my best friend of 18 years called and it's 9 at night, I just got the kids to bed, and I'm exhausted and I think...I'll call her back tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and I think about her on the way to drop the kids at school and then I have to go pick up the hubby from work cause he works 3rd shift...which means we have very little time for each other. It is especially difficult for us because we have a toddler at home constantly. Before I know it, we've had breakfast, tucked him into bed, cleaned, had lunch with the toddler, and then I've chased the baby down for his afternoon nap. Then I've got my own school work and then the kids get out of school and there's dinner and laundry and bath time and the whole thing starts over again the next day. And I'm thinking about her, and I miss her, but before I know it, two weeks have gone by and I feel like the absolute worst friend in the world. But the thing is, she does the same thing to me. We know that even though that phone call might not get returned, we know that we're thinking about each other and are there for each other, always, no questions asked.

In the end, one of us finally brings our head up out of the fog of daily life to call the other and we talk for hours and catch up on everything. I'm willing to bet that even though they don't always call back, they are thinking about you and I'm sure that it's not an intentional act. And I echo the advice of another mom, don't wait for them to get together to do something. Go out and do something on your own or with other friends, and just hang in there. *hugs*

I don't think you should be upset, and I think trying to decide if you have right to be angry seems like an attempt to justify a negative feeling that in the end will not serve you well. Let it go. My sense is if you find a positive path (join a moms group, take up thai cooking, anything really) to put your energy into, your friends will probably come around in their own time. And, in the meantime, you are not driving yourself (and them) nuts.

Have you tried to a get together instead of a phone conversation? Sometimes sitting down for coffee or drinks can rekindle the spark of friendship. These are relationships and they need time set aside for them to continue to grow.

Also, have you tried Facebook or Twitter? Many of us, myself included, get caught up in the day to day and forget to take our nose off the grindstone to take a breath of fresh air. Facebook and Twitter are a great way to say a quick Hi miss you call when you have a minute see you soon.

Try not to take it personally. I know that can be hard, but I always try to remember that most people are not intentionally doing things to hurt anyone else. They are trying to take care of themselves and their immediate family and occasionally others get hurt in the process.

I would also agree it might be time to be looking for new friends. The old ones will never be replaced, the stories and memories will still be there when you reconnect, but new friendships with people in current situations similar to your own will make new memories. You never know, you just might find that long lost soulmate that thinks just like you. The one you feel you have known your whole life even though you just met.

Transitions can be difficult, but they can also be exciting. Take a chance on yourself and see where the road leads.

Don't take this the wrong way but are you a needy friend? Do your phone conversations last an hour or more when you talk to your friends? The reason I ask is that I hate talking on the phone - it is part of my job and it's the last thing I want to do when I leave. I have some friends that are needier than others so I know that if they call when I don't have an hour to spend with them I have to let it go to voicemail - some are very understanding and some aren't.

Hey there - that really stings doesnt it? I encourage you to take a step back and understand that this sounds pretty circumstantial - If you look at it, clearly they havent all made some kind of a pact to gang up on you all at once. If these are lifelong friends, then they will stay lifelong friends. I'm certain each one doesnt even know they hurt you and you may need to be the initiator for a time.

Perhaps as you feel led, take it one step at a time with one friend at a time. You can say something as simple as - what happened? It felt like you disappeared there for a while - how are things going with you? Dont be continually looking for an apology because that can create tension, just talk about what's going on in their lives like you normally would.

All friends are different. I have a friend that I have known since I was 6 months old. She has lived all over the country and we have stayed very close. That said--we talk, email or FB maybe 6 time per year but we are THERE for each other--no questions asked. Best friends.
I have another friend who is much needier. I cringe when I get a message that says "miss yoooouuu, caaalll meeee" Ugh.
I doubt it's an "Ignore M. Q" conspiracy. People ARE busy. I know I am. And sometimes I just hate the thought of picking up the phone in the evening....I try to return calls within two days or so.....

I had a friend I had made at Church and if I didn't call her all the time she was calling me for several weeks, we just hit it off from the beginning. I am raising several of my grandkids and often get very busy. There came a time where I had a lot come up and I wan't able to talk to her every day. I told her I was busy and not ignoring her but she just really got offended and ended up ending the friendship. It was sad but we found out later she was mentally ill and had issues with rejection. She ended up going into a hospital because she got suicidal! I tell you I felt so bad! I really hadn't ignored her I was just busy. If you feel really rejected by your friends then by all means call them and ask if you have done something. Real friends can talk together about anything and know how to communicate.

Sometimes if I feel like I am not getting calls and stuff I'll go ahead and make plans and do stuff by myself or with other friends. If you aren't calling them they will call you to see where you are.

sounds like a classic case of you investing more than your friends. keep being a good friend but be on the lookout for other friendships that are willing to be more available!

Everyday life sometimes gets in the way of things we really want to do - like chat on the phone with friends or lunch together. Be patient. Keep sending gentle reminders - or really get their attention - send a "Missing You" card. People don't send mail as much these days, so that gesture always gets my attention. Include a Starbucks card for $5 with a note that says - let's get together and use this card to get a Frapp!
Don't get angry... that won't solve anything! The only person you'd be hurting is yourself!

friendship goes in cycles. get some new friends. then when your friends find time for you...you may be busy with your new friends! i know it's hard...good luck!

Someone else suggested Facebook. If you and your friends are not already using it, I highly recommend it! It's a great place to connect with friends through emails, short comments, or instant messaging. Very often it's easier for me to send a quick message through Facebook than to take time out of my day to make a call.

I've been the friend who never calls back, and I can tell you from my perspective there were a few reasons. With one particular friend, I honestly didn't have a burning desire to talk to her. She was whiny and complained about her life every time we got together. I have better things to do than listen to that! With another friend, I felt like we just grew apart. I had kids and she didn't; she worked and I didn't ...there wasn't a lot of common ground. I didn't intentionally ignore her calls, but they ended up at the bottom of my to-do list because I had so many other things to do that were more important. And another friend had a bad habit of calling me when she was driving home from work. I know that was a great time for her to talk, but for me, it was dinner time/bath time for the kids, and after that I wanted to unwind and visit with my husband for a couple of kid-free hours before starting everything all over again. When we did talk, she would stay on for an hour or more, oblivious to the screaming of kids in the background. She seldom asked about my life and would talk at length about her own without pausing for feedback. Lots of irritating things about that particular friendship! :-)

I'm not telling you that to imply that you fall into any of those categories, but I did want to explain how it happens!

If it is all your friends you might look back at the last couple of weeks and see if an incident may have triggered it. Maybe you said something or did something to offend someone and they don't want to tell you. Also you might try and find some outside interests to get involved in and make some new friends. Just a thought.