Getting Harder After Loosing Baby

I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain, C.. It takes time to make peace with any deep loss, and a hoped-for baby would be high on that list. I hope you succeed in having the pregnancy and baby you want some day soon.

I hope you'll bear in mind that people make thoughtless comments – that's just what we do, and what you probably have done, as well, without intending hurt. I wonder sometimes how many people have taken offense at my own dunderheaded statements. Just seeing you or me walking around might bring pain to someone who can't walk. There's no getting past that.

There are also people who will intentionally hurt others. They are not worth spending our emotional energy on. If we feel bad, then they win. We don't have to allow that. With a little practice, I've learned to actually feel a touch of pity for such folks.

What you might try to do is find a spark of joy for those around you who are pregnant or new mothers. Give them this lovely gift, which you will want to receive from them in turn when you do become pregnant and give birth. Can you stand briefly in their shoes and consider how hard it would be if you knew your pregnancy was causing someone else pain or resentment?

Many wise thinkers have noted that our happiness or misery does not lie in things or events themselves, but rather the way we interpret or think about those things and events. I've found in my own life that this is true. So, if you really want to move past your pain, forgive yourself, your body, your baby, and other pregnant women for the way things are. Keep trying to conceive, keep finding positive outlets for your feelings (counseling or a grief support group might be really helpful), and do something positive and loving for others every day.

My best to you.

I hope you get a lot of responses that can really help you. I have never been pregnant, so I don't know what you are going through. However, my gut is saying that this loss should be grieved openly, without shame or guilt, and you will heal eventually. For example, being open with your brother-in-law would sound like, "I am sad that I don't know how it feels to be so miserable in the heat." Why not be open with your feelings? Here are some things that could happen...
1) Jerk comments stop. Usually people don't mean to be mean, so you would clue them into a little sensitivity.
2) Support would surface. Someone with experience, a meaningful passage or poem, or even a heartfelt hug could show you that you are not alone.
3) You find meaning in all of this. Allowing yourself to admit your pain is therapeutic and can open your mind and heart to new perspective.

I believe that we can grow from difficult situations. I read today, "God gives us gifts wrapped in tribulations." I wish for you to find the blessing in this pain.

{{{C.}}}
-B.

Editted to add: Peg - your response was touching and inspiring.

C.,

I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost two babies. The first time I was about 6 weeks and we had been trying for 9 months so it was crushing. It seemed like everyone around me was pregnant and everyone was asking when we were going to have a child. It seemed like it took about 6months before that deep achin pain inside diminished. We finally went thru fertility treaments and had a beautiful baby girl who is now two. My second miscarriage occured on Christmas of this year. Talk about difficult! I only told my immediate family and a few close friends. I was about 8 weeks on that one. I was definitely saddened but looking at my daughter was enough to keep me going. There are days where the babies cross my mind and I wonder who they would have been and looked like. We didn't name either bc it was so early. I know some people have a memorial service. It does get easier but I still have saddness over the loss. For me, my faith has helped get me thru knowing that those sweet little babies are with their heavenly father and one day we will all be reunited. I also have had some counseling which has helped a great deal. You might look in your area and see if there s a support group for miscarriages and infertility. Lastly, going through those challenges has made being my daughter's mom so special. I thank God for her everyday. I hope that you will fnd some peace in your heart and may God bless you!

These feelings are very similar to what I experienced after miscarrying. And as much as it stinks- and many times I asked the question "would I ever be able to have a baby?" I would just try to put the loss behind you as best as you can, and find ways to cope with your situation. I once faked a phone call so I wouldn't have to talk to a prego girl in our office(it was too painful at the time). Eventually it got easier- and it will for you too. You can mourn your loss, but the thing that helps me cope the most is to start to answer the questions that may not be the most pleasant to think about... but what if we couldn't get pregnant? then will we adopt? invitro? etc? Talk to your doctor about your loss. If this is your first, they won't even really worry about it. It takes 3 to move to the high risk category. Don't stay down- figure out what you will do next and focus on that.

I'm sorry for your loss.

It gets easier, but never goes away. I lost my first baby a day after we found out we were expecting. It was heartbreaking.

I remember my sister telling me to get over it because I didn't even know for that long so how could I even really be that upset . I have no idea where it came from, but it hurt. I felt so alone and even had trouble with my husband understanding how much I needed to grieve and heal. It takes time.

My baby would have been due July 15th. I sit here right now thinking that I could have a 4 year old.

I went on to have my daughter who is 2.5 and she is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. I found a lot of peace and healing after she came into my life. There are days that my mind wanders to thoughts of the baby we lost, but that's normal.

Here are some things I did to help me cope:

I kept a journal and wrote letters to the baby. When others around me were basking in the glow of their own bundles, I celebrated with them and then would write a letter afterwards to get it all out. It's okay to cry and it's okay to grieve. It takes time, allow time to heal.

Also, the March of Dimes has free packets of information about support groups, tips, resources, etc. that are very helpful.

God Bless and take care.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have been there with a full-term loss after birth and a termination.
A great online support group is www.spals.org--you have to sign up to see posts. It stands for "subsequent pregnancy after loss" but you don't need to be pregnant to sign up. There is the full range of loss there, which can be difficult, but it's a great group of parents (mostly mothers) who've been through loss from miscarriage to young children. There are often posts about DHAC (=don't have a clue) people and the things they say/do. I have found it made me feel better to know that I am not alone, even if those around me are making me feel that way.
Good luck with your healing, I am glad that you're seeking help along the way.

Dear C.,

I am so sorry to read your story! The pain of "what might have been" is often the hardest to get over. A lost child is a lost dream and the pain is unbearable at times!

Do whatever you need to do to heal right now - even if that means skipping some family gatherings or other events where BABIES are just too much of a focus. You might not feel up to going to baby showers - send a gift and do something else that day instead of suffering through something that brings you pain!

As for the insensitive comments - either let them roll off or confront the person and say "what a painful thing to say"! People often don't realize how they sound and don't know how to fix it once they say something out of line.

Keeping you in prayer as you recover and heal from this loss - I suggest as others have to visit some online help sites or visit a grief group for other persons who have had miscarriages - ask your OB or inquire at the local hospital.

blessings,
Stacy

I am sorry for your loss. I don't think many of us know what to say and do for someone who has lost a pregnancy. Obviously your brother is being very insensitive and maybe needs to get a clue from YOU. Tell him how you are feeling. Tell him that his comments hurt. It's only going to get harder for you as his wife's belly grows, and eventually they have a little one coming over to your home.

As for you....what about talking to a professional? That's what they are trained in. They not only will have ideas on how to help you cope/deal with people's insensitive comments, but also address your own feelings about all the pregnant people you are around.

I am sorry I haven't been through this, so I can't speak firsthand. But from a "friend's" perspective, if you are thinking of the "what ifs" now, then you may continue doing this for some time to come, especially after your brother's child arrives.

Please talk with a professional. That way you can be happy for others, and also be in a better/happier frame of mind when you get pregnant again.

HUGS

Remember to tell those who are not sympathetic, that although your baby was not born, you did in fact have a baby living and growing inside you, and that it still hurts and you are still mourning. Some people do not associate miscarriages with a "real death"... and that is sooo far from the truth.

Good luck and god bless you, I hope you are able to cope and grieve without further incident. Ease your mind and possibly start some therapy or meditation, if you are worried about miscarrying you are stressing yourself out, which might prohibit your chances of conceiving again.

I miscarried 3 times before finally having a healthy baby, who is now 14 years old.... it still hurts to think she should not be an only child, but god only gives us what we can handle...

C.
I am so very sorry for your loss. As someone who has experience several miscarriages, it remains with you. Too many people do not give credit for the pain that a miscarriage causes. I always looked at them as God or the Universe telling me that it wasnt the right time, or the right child. My son, who I eventually DID have, is the true joy in my life and the child I KNOW I am SUPPOSED to have. Keep trying and hang in there. Whatever your denomination, or even if none, try to think that there is a higher power that knows best what is right for you! Just wanted to lend my support!

In Japan they have cemeteries for unborn children... and having lost several, one at 6 months, I really wish we had that here. For myself, I often think of those cemeteries and they bring me some peace.

The ones I lost early I don't think of much, but the little girl I lost at 6 months, 10 years later, I still think of fairly frequently... a couple times a week.

I would suggest letting your BIL know, next time he makes a thoughtless comment. Something along the lines of "I'm happy for my sister. I'd rather be miserable in the heat carrying my baby, who would be born in 3 months, than miserable in the heat mourning the loss of my baby." Most of us are fairly self absorbed creatures. A gentle reminder here and there is not out of place.

Honey, I am so sorry! I know it's hard. I have lost several babies. It does get easier. It helped me to be able to talk about my little ones. Give your little one a name and ask that little one pray for you. There are going to be days when it just is hard. My babies died in 2006 and every once in a while I just miss them. It does help to help to have another child just because that baby fills up your time, but no baby ever takes the place of the one you didn't get to keep. My husband had a piece of jewelry made for me to remember my babies. I wear it daily. I planted a flower garden in honor of them and enjoy spending time in it. You will find your way. Give yourself time.

C., I've been there. It's so very hard to sit and watch others experience pregnancy/delivery/baby when you, yourself, have lost a baby.

I can just tell you that when you do have a baby, (and you WILL) it will be worth every second of the waiting and those pangs of jealousy you are feeling now. That's part of the grieving process, feel the loss, be angry--it's OK.
Not everyone understands the depth of a miscarriage. That's there problem, not yours.
As for your BIL--he sounds like a real a-hole (sorry--no other word would do!)

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby when I was 27 weeks pregnant. It was devastating, as you can imagine (it was our first pregnancy). I had a good friend who was due four weeks after me. About a month after I lost the baby, we had to go to a wedding. I had purchased a maternity dress to wear, thinking I'd be about 7 or 8 months pregnant at the time of the wedding. My friend was there and she was about 7 months or so pregnant at the time (I may have the math off at this point... it was years ago). Everyone was oohing and ahhing about how she was the most beautiful pregnant person they had ever seen. All I could think about was that I should have been beautiful and pregnant. I hated this girl (who used to be my good friend). I was so upset when she had her daughter and truthfully, we haven't really talked much since. I know she did nothing wrong, but it just killed me...
It took about 4 months after our loss for me to get pregnant again. They were the worst 4 months of my life. I was so upset every time I saw anyone who was pregnant. I just wanted to cry. When I did get pregnant again, I finally had some sense of relief and calm. But then, of course, I got all the comments about "well, since it's your first delivery, it will probably take a long time to deliver the baby." I was so angry because it was if all my friends forgot that I actually delivered our first baby.....

Anyway... one place I can send you that was a godsend to me is the website, SHARE, at www.nationalshare.org They have an amazing community of women who post on the message boards and they have all gone through what you have done. SHARE literally saved my life after our loss.

(by the way, in case you are wondering, we went on to have a little girl almost exactly a year after we lost our son. We then had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and, just when I decided I'd had enough of the whole pregnancy thing, went on to get pregnant with twin boys who are turning 5 next week! There is hope for you!!!)

C.,
I am so sorry for your loss, I have walked in your shoes many times and totally understand.First let me tell you you need to tell your husband what his brother said and make him say something. While an apology won't bring your pregnancy back it will help you to get beyond your brother-in-law's inconsiderate comment, which I really don't think he meant any harm by, but just the same it would hurt. Now while I understand what you are going through and I did the same thing you are doing, I too thought about the what ifs and hows, but what my doctor told me was to get back on my feet and try to get pregnant again. I had so many miscarriages it wasn't funny but here I stand 5 children later I can tell you what I went through was well worth it to have my children. Without going into all the long, dragged out details I have 8 3/4 years between my 3rd and 4th children and came very close to loosing my 4th one many times, all because the doctor who delivered my 3rd one was in a rush and screwed up. With the number of miscarriages I had previously he should have been more cautious. I guess what I am really trying to say is think of that miscarriage as being meant to be to protect both you and the baby from suffering. Also if you are having problems conceiving and need some guidance let me know, I had to go on medication to keep my last 2 pregnancies and owe a lot to the doctor who went out on a limb and helped me, if it wasn't for her my boys would not be here today. Unfortunately she is now out in California but does consults all the time and will work with your doctor. Again I am so sorry for your loss, if you ever need to talk you can always e-mail me.
Hugs,
T.

Hi C.,

I know this is difficult, I also lost my first child. I also know when people do not know what to say they can tend to say STUPID things. I think unless you haven't been through this you just don't get it. Everyone grieves at a different pace, I do know that my grief manifested itself with soooo much anger!! Why me!! I will tell you that I was able to give birth to two healthy children (who are now 25 and 21) so it will happen for you. For now try to keep yourself busy, allow yourself to cry and feel your emotions, do not fight them. If you feel like you need to talk to someone go to a therapist, that doesn't mean your crazy it just means you need to talk to someone who will listen. I know sometimes family and friends just do not know what to say to help you feel better. I know people would say to me, it happened for the best, or there was probably something wrong with the baby!!!! Like I said they just do not know what to say!! It will get better I promise you and no it is not fair, but you will get through it. I do know at first I felt very along and then when I did talk to people I could not believe how many women have experienced this, which did help me to see that it is not uncommon and I would be able to have children. Good luck, I will pray for you.

oh, my dear. i am so sorry. this is a strange, personal, private type of grief that women go through without much support from society. so we need to figure out how to grieve ourselves, and support each other when we meet another. it is really exacerbated when many others in your life are having healthy pregnancies. it's not a matter of not being happy for them, it's just almost impossible for it not to highlight our own loss.
try not to take it too personally when people say things that come off as insensitive. your BIL's comment really was pretty rotten, i have to hope he's not as big a jerk as it makes him seem. but people, for the most part, don't want to kick someone who's hurting the way you are, we just tend to stomp around on big flat feet and not realize when we do it. remember that from the perspective of someone who is NOT grieving, many comments that hurt us don't seem pointed at all.
it will get easier over time, but how you will overcome it and how long it will take is just too individual to predict. you've had some wonderful suggestions here already.
this is not for everyone, and probably not for most, but here's what i did when this happened to me. i did a meditation, a 'journey', to the other side, and met my daughter, and we worked through our feelings of being denied the opportunity to have this particular lifetime together. it was not warm and fuzzy. it was extremely difficult, but ultimately extremely cathartic.
i hope that you find a coping technique that works for you. in the meantime, don't deny your grief, and come back here if you need to talk.
khairete
S.

I am sorry for your loss. There is a support group for parents that have lost a child through miscarriage, stillborn or early neonatal death. I believe they have chapters throughout the country. It is called AMEND and the web address is www.amendgroup.com They have been a wonderful resource for my son and his wife and also provided information on the grieving process for your loss. They also gave us a great handout on "what not to say to grieving parents" and things to do to help. It sounds like your BIL is being insensitive, but he may not know what to say, so it comes out wrong. Please find a support group in your area so you can talk about your loss with others who understand. If there is not an AMEND group in your area, call your local hospital, they may also have a group.

I am so extremely sorry for your loss! Don't lose hope! God will bless you with a baby you must have Faith! You should see a counselor to help you get through this pain and to deal. Also, I don't know if you pray but I strongly believe in the power of prayer! I know! I promise you God is always there for us when we need him. You will be in my prayers! God bless you and don't despair, have Faith!

I can imagine few things worse, and all I can say is to not blame yourself for grieving. It is a normal process and I hope you do have a normal, healthy pregnancy very soon. My sister-in-law and my nephew's wife each lost 6- 8 pregnancies before having wonderfully healthy ones, but that is so unusual. How hard that must have been, but the babies that survived later seem to have greatly eased the pain of those lost. I pray that you will have a healthy baby soon.

Count your blessings! Pray hard and rejoice in the fact that the ladies are pregnant. I know it hurts especially when people become insensitive by making remarks that make you feel bad.......but God is good and knows what is best for you. Keep smiling and remember that your time is coming in due time!

Hi there. I went exactly through the same thing you're going through. I don't know that I have any words of encouragement. It will probably feel worse before it feels better, at least until you get pregnant again. And then, when you do, you'll be happy but at the same time paranoid about not having another miscarriage. After I had a miscarriage, I was miserable. I looked at the pregant women around me and didn't know how to be happy for them, because I was jealous. I wish that was me and couldn't understand how anyone could complain about the pregnancy...I thought to myself they should be grateful they even got pregnant and are on their way to having a baby. But eventually things got better. Lucky for us, I got pregnant fast again and now have a beautiful 2 yr old. But we're about to start trying again and I'm paranoid already that I may have another miscarriage and feel terrible again. So while I don't think I helped you in writing all this, know that you're not alone out there and that these feelings are completely normal. Stay strong, and when you do get pregnant again (hopefully very soon), get yourself a baby heart monitor and listen to the baby's heart when you're worried. I was a worry freak and being able to do that gave me the peace of mind to sleep through the night. Best of luck!

I know that this may not be what you want to hear but everything happens for a reason. I myself had 2 miscarriages in one year. After the first one it was announced that my sister was expecting. I was devastated to say the least. I wondered why me and then I started to question if I would ever be a mother especially after the second one. Have faith. Today I am the mother of a 6 year old boy and 4 year old girl. I also had a friend who went through the same experience and she is now the mother of a 7week old girl. Make sure that you go to the doctor and find out why and that they do tests. I fount out that I was diabetic after the second miscarriage and that is why the first on occured also. All the best to you !!

Hi C.
I feel your pain I lost 5 babies before being successfull with my son Robert (22 months old) I think how life would be differnt now, the only advice I can give you is to grive the loss of your baby and as time moves on it will get a little easer and hopfully you to will be successful very soon. As far as the other peaple around you most don't think and if you haven't been in our situation they really don't understand how hurtfull they are being so stay tough you have lots of company it is very sas people don't think before they talk.

I haven't had a miscarriage but I understand supposed to be having a baby and feeling like you were the only one not having a child. When I was trying, my 14 year old sister in law got pregnant, then another sister-in-law, my cousin, my best friend, another sister-in-law (my brother had a vascectormy and she still got pg). I was so painful for me. I kept away for everyone for a while. That didn't really help as it just kept me from dealing with it. Sometimes, things just don't seem fair. It took 5 years but I did get pregnant. My son is 11 now. Although I still would have liked to have gottem pg when I had started trying, I am grateful I didn't. I feel like I appreciate my children more, understand a bit moe than at least one of my sisters in law how much of a miracle they are. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

To be completely honest it never gets easier it just gets to feel normal having your heart ache for a baby. I went through 3 years of waiting. It was the hardest time for me and my marriage. We did get through it and now have a beautiful baby boy. There were alot of things that helped me. First is finding a friend or family member that's in your shoes. If you don't have that then go online and find a website that you like. My favorite is www.dailystrength.org It was so comforting talking to other women going through the same thing as me. They give advice and you get to give advice too. It really helps. I also got help by going to counseling. It just lets you get out everything that's built up inside. You can get through it. I didn't know some days if I could. In the end I just had to wait longer than all my friends and family around me having babies. This is my opinion but the experience of having my baby was so much more joyfull because I had waited so long to get him! It was worth the pain and 30 hours of labor!

C. - Your post brought tears to my eyes..I've not been in your situation but I wanted to reach out to you and just let you know that my thoughts & prayers are with you.
I truly believe that things happen for a reason and even though you may not find out the purpose for this heart break now there is a higher power that will help you and guide you through this process.
One of my really good friends has a 2 year old after multiple miscarriages so hang in there and stay strong in your faith. Count your blessings that you have a beautiful baby girl and here's wishing you nothing but best going forward!

I'm sorry to say that not much can be done about rude unthinking people. Your BIL SHOULD have known better, but Im sure he wasnt being mean, just dense. next time look at the person and say I wish. Then walk away or change the subject. I lost my husband when I was 41 and had to cope with women bitching about their husbands leaving a shirt on the chair or other stupid stuff. All the time wishing mine could mess up my house. Then the worst was anniversaries, since I only had 14 years.
So I can feel where you are coming from. It can and will get easier to cope, but I dont think the pain ever goes away altogether. Try to be happy for your friends and the new babies. And if it bothers you too much, stay away for awhile. When they ask tell them the truth, that it hurts too much.

Hugs

Dear C., My heart goes out t you. I am sure it is very difficult for you. I will pray for you. I am not sure what to say to make you feel better but I know there is a good God up there and He knows your pain and I am sure He is planning something wonderful for you. Friends of mine who have miscarried have resigned themselves to the fact that maybe there was something wrong and they are waiting for another pregnancy, one that is healthy. You may want to stay away from those who are now pregnant and especially those who are hurtful. Protect yourself from this. Find out fron your Dr what you can do to build yourself up to carry a healthy baby. If you have never prayed please do now. Ask for patience and help getting through this rough time. My daughter lost her first and now she realizes that she would not have had the son she has now. We all need to trust in the wisdom of God. He knows all and is good all the time. We do grow from these heartaches. Many Blessings, Grandma Mary

So sorry to hear of your lose. I too went through a miscarriage 4yrs ago and had a hard time dealing with it as well as my fiance'. We have been together 14yrs and have no children at all. I had 2 miscarriages and it took a lot away from our relationship and closeness. All I can say is it gets better the more your able to deal with it. Don't give up hope or walk around with you head down because what is going on around you. My younger sisters ended up having kids before me and they are 24 & 25. I made the best of everybody else situation instead of feeling sympathy for myself. I am now currently 6 1/2mos pregnant at the age of 34 with my first child and excited.
Everything happens for a reason and it's up to you to make the best of your situation and keep it moving. The more you dwell in the past the more depressed you will get. Yes I would have had 2 children ( 3 & 12) by now and on my 3rd with this one. I am just grateful for my current health and what I have now today and for my future. I wish you the best of luck in the future and never give up hope. Keep your head up and everything happens for a reason whether we know the reason our not, it's always for the best.

God bless!
KSK-CT

C., while i know you got a lot of responses, You took the words right out of my mouth! I have been going thru this now. My best friend is preg and due in Sept...my other best friends (2) just had babies w/in the year. I dread seeing all of them, and "luckily" they live far. I will be seeing them soon, though and I dread it. I get a lump in my throat every time. I have 2 kids, had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, and found out I have so many probs that I prob can't do it on my own. (I'd need a specialist). And even w/that, I have prob with my uterus. It's so painful and I'm soooo sorry that you are also feeling this way. I know I see preg women all the time. I stare and then tears well up and thankfully it's the summer....b/c I wear my sunglasses! I pray every day. I give you hope that God will help you. You are not alone in how you feel..I'm crying right now! "We" will be ok. The loss is so great...it really is a silent loss that women deal with so much. God bless.

hey C.....i can sooo relate to you!! i also had a misscarriage at 3 weeks this past june. i also went ahead and posted it on facebook!!!!!!!!
that was a HUGE mistake!! i also have a 3 1/2 yr old daughter and have to deal w/ explainign that the babyt is in heaven waiting to come down into my belly....it really sux! but, the important thing is not to dwell and think of when the baby would've been born. that's not gonna help and it's only gonna bring u down. just try your best to be happy and enjoy your daughter and look fwd to the fact that you WILL get pregnant again!! i'm in the same boat, believe me!
Good Luck!

I been in the exactly same situation, I have a 6 year old daughter and by that time she was 4, and I know is hard sometimes but everything will get to normal soon, not that you dont forget or stop feeling but will be easer, it took me a whole year to get pregnant again. just be patience, love your daughter, your man and enjoy everyday, that soon you will be expecting again , One more thing my only advise to you is stop counting the time, I mean like you say in october was your due date , stop about it, is not good for you, dont look the past and focus in the future : take your previtamins, and plan again. enjoy your friends babies and babyshowers , that you will get your too.

My SIL had a miscarriage right around the time I found out I was pregnant. She had gone thru much heartache w/trying everything imaginable so I chose not to tell her about my pregnancy. My mom agreed w/my doing that because we felt that it was just too soon. When she did find out she was upset that I had kept it from her because she was so excited, but she was also appreciative. I have never gone through the heartache that you have and I feel awful that people who have so much to offer seem to be the ones that endure the pain meanwhile there are women who don't realize how fortunate they are. My brother & her tried for many years w/their first and it wasn't until they actually stopped trying that she got pregnant. Her pregnancies were rough (she has major medical issues) but she did get through it. I think the most important thing is not to dwell on it - not to sit there and think about everything you are missing because eventhough you are, it's not doing you any good. I know this isn't the same but my mom died 3 wks prior to my first being born - i still catch myself thinking things, but by doing that i'm not enjoying that moment to the fullest. As far as other's comments, you can't change the way people are. Whether they are overly sensitive are just plain out right rude - just try not to be in their company too often so you don't have to endure it. My hopes & wishes to you that things will go your way and a post we'll see up here soon will be that you are once again expecting. My best wishes to you.