Getting Husband to Let Our Daughter Cry/sleep!

Although I don't agree with CIO at 9 months, I'll make this short... "let the man think it was his idea."

I had this same problem, and here is the speech I gave my DH that TOTALLY WORKED.
"Babe, we are married. We are a team. We are like firemen. If a building is on fire, we follow the Fireman's Code: Two in, two out.
Right now, the building is on fire and I need you to tell me: are two of us going in and are two of us coming out?
I know it's hard to listen to her scream but we have to do the best job we can as parents. This is right for her. Are we two-in-two-out?"
I don't know if it's some kind of macho thing, but this completely resonated with my husband. And now, more than a year later, he brings this analogy up to me: Two in, two out.

It sounds like your husband is the nurturer in the family. You should listen to his point of view. That you are guarding him from comforting a 9 month old is controlling. The children are also his, right? Babies shouldnt be left to cry at this age. kids need love & comfort, even 3 year olds. Its sounds like you will comfort the baby when you think its important and then deny you DH comforting her when he thinks is right. Thats a communication problem.

I'm sorry W., I'm with your husband. I could not let a baby scream. A little fuss here and there, sure wait and see, but once they've worked themselves into a fit, I could not walk away.

I'm pleased to announce said babies are now teenagers and ALL OF THEM SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT EVERY NIGHT.

It will happen to you as well.

Infancy/toddlerhood is insanely short.

I'd also like to mention, I think it's wonderful your husband wants to actually parent his own child. Too bad he's not allowed to do so.

:)

I have to agree with your husband and Theresa , Janelle and Laeh.
infants don't cry for no reason and need hands on raising.
Parenting does not stop when baby goes to bed.
I didn't let either one of my kids CIO , I knew it wouldn't work. And it's cruel.
My oldest who is ADHD and gifted didn't sleep all night till she was 3 she still doesn't sleep well but that's an ADHD trait. Her brother on the other hand slept all night at a year, I didn't do anything to make it happen they just did it. They have been both raised the same , no CIO , they know I will be there for them if they need me and that crying by them selves in a dark room for hrs isn't necessary. Do you like crying for hrs , I don't why should I make them do it? Babies sleep all night when they are ready and it does much less damage in their trust of you.
If you don't want to get up with her have him get up with her.
But be her mom, and part of that is cuddling and comforting when they need it whether you want to or not and babies do NEED that.

This is a suggestion off the top of my head. Perhaps let natural consequences teach your husband. He chooses to rock her to sleep and get up with her so he's the one who takes care of her at night. If you need to, get ear plugs and let him handle it. Perhaps he'll get tired of it and come to the same or similar conclusion that you have.

I know that when we try to convince someone of something when they're adamantly in disagreement the more we try to convince them the deeper they become committed to their view point. I'd just let him do it his way and get sleep for myself.

This CIO thing is mental illness. Doctors in the mid 1930's proposed it as a childrearing method. It stunk then and it stunk until it stopped in the 1960's. But soon after we had lots of drug addicts in normal middle of the road families. Kids who'd cried it out. The prevention is the cure.
You want a rebellious child? Keep it up. I'm with your husband. No tribal culture lets a child cry it out. And for 3 hours. My goodness W. this is horrible even abusive.
I'm watching a 15 year old in my extended family whose mother thought CIO was a great idea. She's sexually active, rebellious, refuses whatever the parents offer her. She has not sat down to dinner with the family since she was eleven years old. I was shocked when CIO came up as the mother's preferred method. I tried to talk her out of it. But she'd read a book.
To all of you who are going to be parents of teenagers in the future what you put into your child from birth to three is what they live on for life. Make it loving, soft, respectful, compassionate and caring.
Did that work for me. Yes, I was the loving mom who never let my kids cry and so we never, ever had bedtime problems. They went to sleep every night at the same time as toddlers and school age children. And they slept.

My friends who swear by the sleep training method seem to be re-training their kids all the time. After every vacation, or illness, or milestone, or growth spurt, or tooth. To me that's just too much crying it out.

I think your husband's instincts are right.

All mammals sleep with their babies. That is nature's plan. You fight an uphill battle if you want to change the course of things.

I agree strongly with the CIO method, for the lady who said our teenagers are horrible bratty kids (In my own words) cause of letting them CIO that's not from letting them cio as baby's, it's because they have weak parents who don't' know how to say no to their kids or how to be a tough loving parent! My kids (Yes even my teenager) are all great, loving, wonderful, respectful kids because we don't take bull from them, we don't let them manipulate us. We also believe in spanking when necessary. **GASP** Like any other method of training your child in sleep or discipline, we also give them tons of love of praise throughout the day & they are very well loved, balanced, happy, great kids! So are all my nieces/nephews older & younger! We too are a CIO fam & not ashamed of it. I hate hearing my baby cry like any other mother but I'm with you & not going to sit there & rock her for hours every single night just to put her asleep & get up every couple hours with her if she's old enough not to do so! So good for you!

As far as your hubby goes, I agree with whoever said let him get up with her for a week. Don't let him bring her in bed with you guys, tell him he can get up with her & rock her & cuddle her as much as he wants but she can't sleep with you guys. He'll give up after a week of sleep deprivation, if not sooner. :) Keep us posted! I hope you can convince him of your side soon!

I think it's kind of sweet and special that dad is taking the time with his daughter. I would just let him know that he's the one that's gonna get up with her since he blew the Ferberization. Will this matter later, is it worth fighting about? I think it's a good story for when your daughter gets older, sounds like a Daddys girl for sure :)
I'm glad you have a hubby breaking the rules, much better story than some of the pitiful, stressful, single mom stories, you gotta admit. You sound pretty blessed :)

I think there are a couple of things happening here.
One, you are trying to get your baby on schedule and have done a great job in your husband's absense.
Second, he has been absent, misses the baby, and wants to hold and cuddle her because he's missed her.
Third, you are in a power struggle over the baby.
You feel like you have to stand guard and he feels like you are preventing him from baby time because he doesn't do things right.
It isn't about either ONE of you....it's about the baby.
You both have different ideas about things.
If he wants to deal the sleeping of the kids, leave it to him.
Let him do it.
Not in a mean way, or snarky way, just say that you appreciate the break and he can get the kids to sleep at night.
You feel like you have to intervene. He sees that as a challenge, I'm sure.
Quit intervening.
I can tell from your post that this won't be easy for you, but he'll either be a champ at dealing with it himself or he will realize a different way is better.

As far as intervening and all that....
When my son was 15 months old, I had to go into the hospital. I also had an 11 year old. If I had been in the habit of intervening or my kids being used to only doing things my way, they would have freaked out by being with dad all that time and me completely out of commission... and so would he. He didn't do things the way I did them and he had to deal with a baby that was cold turkey'd from the breast on top of it all, and you know what? They all survived. The house didn't fall apart, the kids were happy, fed, and fine. The dog, the cat, and the birds were okay too.

Maybe change your tactics and give your husband some more room to parent and deal with the kids. Believe me, you never know when it might be crucial for him to know how to deal and for the kids to be comfortable with him and the way he does things.
If he stirs the baby, let him deal with it.

Consider all the different dynamics at play in your situation and know that with two loving parents, your kids won't be harmed by differences in opinions or approaches.
Unless their parents argue over them all the time.

Give your husband a turn. If he's not there all the time, it might be the only way for him to feel he's getting his hands on time and he can also get a feel for why you are trying a schedule.
This really isn't the worst thing a husband could ever do.
Just my opinion.

I wish you the best.

Sounds like your husband prescribes to 'attachment parenting' while you do not. This is an issue between you as parents--someone will have to compromise. You may not want to, but be careful not to lose esteem in his eyes. He very well might expect you to react a certain way, be a certain type of mother, and if you refuse or fight him on this, he may change how he sees your abilities as you as a mom. It could possibly haunt your marriage in that someday you may want another child and he does not, because the mismatch in parenting approaches may leave a negative impression with him.

By the way, my husband would never let me steam-roll him on his parenting opinions. Neither one of us has absolute control; it's another aspect we have to discuss and agree upon as a team.

I like Meg's answer.

The other thing you can do is PUT HIM IN CHARGE. Tell him to research it, come up with what the two of you are going to do and then you will back him 100% with whatever philosophy he comes up with. And then you are actually going to back him 100% with whatever he comes up with. See if it works.

It will take him about a month and I bet he will follow your lead from then on.

Good luck. I hate when they fight you on the stuff you know :-(

when my husband did not get on board when we tried cio, i told him she was all his every time she woke. He got on board. however, crying for more than an hour seems like u pushed cio too far. he may feel better if u explain and tried a modified a cio.

Been through that, I just sat with my 9 year old so she could go to sleep. My husband could never listen to her cry. I think he hated the noise as much as the upset child. If you don't want sleep for the next 9 years + get your husband on your page.

Just like another person posted, give your husband a try at this for a month and see how long he'll last. My husband was on the sleep training band wagon with me b/c he wanted sleep! I know there are some that are against the cry it out method but it works. Not for every child but for most it does. If your husband had to stand there every nite and rock her to sleep and get her every few hours that she's awake, I'm sure he'll change his tune really fast.

I don't like to hear my kids cry either but they have to learn to soothe themselves. My 1 year old will yelp at nite for a few seconds but goes back to sleep. My 3 year old was sleep trained too and he's perfectly fine. The trick is you have to make sure he's got a security item. For my kids, it's all about their blankets. They will wake up in the middle of the nite, look for it then flop back down.

By the way, I just told my husband about your post and he agreed, let your husband deal with the sleepless nites and then he'll realize what needs to be done. Good Luck!!

lucky you. I say let hubby have at it at night. if he doesnt agree with your method, then HE can do all the work...which mean (AHHHH) you get to check out around 730 or 8pm and not do a thing with the baby until morning. (think of all the housework that can be done) And dont let him bring that baby in your bed, she will never get out and you will be even more sleep deprived. I am sure it will take about a week and he will throw the towel in and then you will have to (sigh) re-ferberize her.
PS I tried the ferberized method with my DD at 5 months and it worked, but took many hours of her CIO'ing. seemed like when I went in to check on her, that made her more mad that I was just in there looking at her and not doing anything...so I elected to just not go in at all. Took all of 4 days.
Best of luck

Your husband was undoubtedly taught while growing up that caring parents rock their babies to sleep. He's doing what he thinks is best and most loving; it will take a lot to get him to change that opinion.

Men need data and hard facts, so phrasing your input as such will be better received. Tell him, "She sleeps much better and longer, and is happier during the day, when I let her fall as;leep on her own." Phrases like "crying it out" give the indication that you're ignoring your child's needs for your own convenience, and will make him dig in his heels. Instead, say something like, "She can usually fall asleep after a few minutes of fussing. Please give her a chance to calm down before you go in." Ask him to try things your way, or to meet you halfway, and ask him to draw his own conclusions about what worked best.

BTW, you didn't ask about your son, but I'll offer some unsolicted advice anyway. :) Most things you're doing with her will work for him, too. He can also be taught that simply being awake does not equate to needing mom - he can get a drink, go potty or look at books in bed without you having to be there.

Good luck! :)

I'm sorry that you're getting so much flak about doing CIO.

I'm also sorry that I don't have a lot of advance on how to talk to your husband. I was lucky enough that DH was okay with whatever I decided, and that he saw how draining it was for me (and all of us) for the night crying/rocking/bad sleep. The toll was taken on all of us, and on me most of all (who is one of those unlucky people who NEEDS 8 hours of sleep to be functional)--I was miserable and depressed (and crying a lot bec. I get emotional when I'm super tired). Anyway, to him, it was clear that our kiddo needed to sleep the through night, and however it had to be done, it had to be done.

The only suggestion I have is that guys tend to do better when they have "scientific proof." So, get the Ferber book out of the library and/or copy some of the pertinent pages that have the research statistics/evidence. Ask the librarians to help you find articles on poor sleep in children and its effects (which can literally last a lifetime; I think NY Times had a really good one -- poor sleep can contribute to diabetes, heart attack, strokes; in kids it literally is equivalent to decreasing their IQ by a noticeable amount (temporarily), and without enough sleep, HcQ, human growth hormone is not released and a child does not grow nearly as well.

One other thought I had--he may be viewing this as "protecting" his baby (keeping her safe/making her feel safe), so if you can find a way to engage those protective instincts without it involving a middle of the night rocking session, so much the better (easier said than done----We all want to jump up and comfort a crying child).

I like Sharon Z's response. I have had many fights with my husband about the right and wrong thing to do in most situations. For me, if I feel I am losing the battle, I usually just push it all in his direction and explain that everytime the baby gets up and cries, it's ALL on him and that I am taking a step back.

If your husband can't take the time to see that what you are doing is BEST FOR THE BABY, then he can be a full time daddy during the night ;) Best of luck to you both!!!

One of the reasons why many husbands don't know what to do is bc they aren't given the opportunity to learn. Let him take over night duties for a few days then see if he'll listen to you :) he'll get exhausted, you'll be more rested or best scenario is he'll figure something out but you'll still be well rested! :) good luck!

I think letting babies cry it out is cruel and harsh. Babies cry because they need something and if they don't get the attention they need they learn to not trust their parents. In this case I'd sit down with hubby and talk about him getting up with her and you staying in bed sleeping. He will figure out soon enough how to do this. then you can both sit down and come to a compromise. Ordering him not to cuddle his baby is not going to go over very well.