Getting Rid of Baby Stuff Is Much Harder than I Thought

It's so hard to see them grow up. I'm a stay at home mom and it went so fast I felt like I missed it even though I was here. I found it easier to get rid of his baby things if I was giving them to friends and family that were starting families. It's easier to let go if you know it will be useful to someone you know. I did keep a box of "special/favorite" outfits and items for now as I just can't let it all go.

It is somewhat of a cruel joke that the hardest time for a Mom is the time right after the birth of a child, yet this is the most demanding and critical time for the child. Sometimes we "miss" this time b/c we are sleep-deprived, depressed, or for whatever reason. It's hard not to feel guilty when we look back upon this time. It's hard for me to think back upon this crazy time and not be able to remember what my baby's face looked like, b/c I was preoccupied with my own emotions. I did get a second chance, but it was just as crazy emotionally for me. The best we can do is the best we can do.

Dear K.,

I am going through the exact same thing. I have a 3 year old daughter and we a pretty sure we are done. I love our little family just the way it is but it feels like there is still a little something missing. I am afraid that later in life we are going to regret not having another child. When I redecorated my daughter's room from a nursery to "big girl" room I cried. I haven't even thought of trying to get rid of any of her baby stuff yet - I think that would be too hard right now.

I too feel like I would be redeemed with a second child. The birth didn't go as planned and I had to have a c-section. Breast feeding didn't go well so she was a formula baby. I had a ton of anxiety and things in our marriage didn't go well for the first couple of years. It feels like if I had another chance I could do things right or at least a little better.

On top of it you get the questions of when you are going to have another or why you aren't going to have another. It seems like society feels that two is the norm and one is somehow not.

I think that what we need to do is look at what is right for our own families and try not to second guess ourselves too much. Just know you aren't alone and that your family is just as complete as any other.

Regards,

H.

No matter how many children you have, I think it is always hard to let go of having any more. It sounds like you and your husband have made a informed and well-thought out decision about what you believe is best for you and your family. And for some very good reasons. I too have struggled with PPD that has turned into a life-long struggle with depression. There is no guarantee even if you had another child that the results would be much different. Granted, medication does help- but you and I both know that you still have your ups and downs even on medication. You can't look back with regret, only enjoy the now. It sounds like you have a wonderful daughter and are enjoying her- and the rest happened for a reason. I'm sure you're a stronger person for it.

I understand what you are going through as I am also going through it as well. I have one son who is 3 and miscarried twins two years ago and tried to get pregnant about a year after that only to find that I am now going through perimenopause. So that on top with other factors in my life (finances, my age, etc.) I am not going to have any other children. I feel guilty that my son will be an only child (I am one, too) but even worse about it because I am an "older" parent. I am also in the process of weeding through his things and preparing to get rid of them. It took me a long time to feel like I am getting to the right time to do this. But I still don't have total closure either. Like you, his friends parents have gone on to have other children so he is one of the few who do not have a sibling in our circle of friends and it's harder on me right now than it is him. So know that you are not alone in this, it takes time to find some closure. If you want to talk more feel free to contact me. Hang in there!

thank you for posting this. I didn't know there were so many of us that have this going on in our lives. I have my 3 year old daughter and I adore her! I too cry and feel deep remorse when I go through her old stuff. it helps so much that one of my brothers recently had a little girl. I pass on clothing to her. our baby gear went to family as well. we just gave away her car seat...and I sold some stuff family didn't need at a consignment sale. we used the money we earned from it to help pay for my daughters playground. I've had people tell me I'm selfish not knowing our circumstances, we just had a family reunion and I love aunts and cousins but everyone asking why I didn't have another yet, or they thought I would have had another child by now stuff. we are done, medical reasons similar to yours--my ppd is awful. I lost 2 babies. I can't go through all of that again, I was so close to taking my life the depression was so bad--it is better for me to be present here for my daughter than to lose myself trying to bring another child here--and what? neither of them have a mom? or what if I lost it again? I couldn't go through it. it's part of the grieving process when we get rid of the stuff. I'm usually okay but when I have to go through her clothes I really do get emotional. I always thought I would have 3 kids so it's kind of weird.
(the other kids I have are host kids from So. Korea I have them during the school year)
I still am dealing with anxiety and depression, and hormones make things absolutely out of whack for me so no birth control either--my dh had a vasectemy. I feel guilt over that too, what If I got in a car accident and died? he doesn't have the choice to have kids with someone else. (I know right? why do I worry a bout that? but I do sometimes) I know I put way too much guilt on myself and when my life plan changes I have a hard time embracing my new path but I'm working on it. anyway just wanted to say thanks for posting. you aren't alone in this...one of my best friends is an only child and she told me if people tell you your child is spoiled you tell them she isn't, she is just loved. people called her a spoiled brat--and she was so sweet...I've known her since 4th grade. but it was really uncommon in her small town to only have one child. I remember that when I start to feel the guilt, I remember all the love and attention I get to give to my child. anyway thanks again.

I wanted to say thank you to K. for posting her concern. I am going through the same thing, as I was 41 when my son was born (43.5 now, husband is 40) and we are not going to have another child due to our ages. I cried as I read K.'s message, and all the kind replies. It is encouraging to know others have and are going through this, and it will all be okay in the long term. It is so difficult to make this decision.

Reading this was like looking in a mirror! We are also 99.9% sure our family is complete with one little girl. But I still have the crib, baby swing, boxes of clothing, etc. stashed just in case. Every once in awhile I wonder about having another child, not for myself or DH, but for my daughter so she won't grow up an only child. Most of my friends have 2+ or are planning on it, so having only one makes me the odd one out. And neither DH or myself are only children, so maybe that plays a part in it too.

Kudos for you for finally getting rid of all those baby things. I can only hope that one day I too will find the gumption to do that. (Hopefully before I'm pressing them on my daughter for use with my granddaughter. LOL)

K., I physically can't have more children, but always wanted more. I have been contemplating adopting, but I still have time to think about it more and work it out. Just wanted to add that there are other options if you still want another child that don't involve your body to go through a pregnancy and delivery and everything else. I may or may not adopt, myself. It is hard to find closure, I think.

My husband and I made a decision to only have one child due to our ages and my difficult pregnancy. Our son is now 4 1/2. It was hard at first because I always thought I would have two children, but then I started noticing other people with one child. Both of my parents are only children, two of our neighbors have just one child, some of my husbands cousins have just one child, some on my son's friends at daycare are only children, one of my friends has one child, and several married friends have made decisions not to have any children. Just wanted you to know that not everyone has multiple children.

Hi K.,
I hear how sad you are feeling. Just wanted to let you know that I have a three yr old and have similar feelings--she will be and only child, and I worry about that. There were also some things going on when she was really small that created alot of anxiety for me, and I regret that the whole experience wasn't as idyllic as it could've been. But we do the best we can and work with what we have. Keep trying to stay in the moment and enjoy the wonderful gift you have. She certainly is still little, and you don't want to look back when she is 25 and think that you should have enjoyed her when she was 6. Give yourself a little time to grieve what could've been and then force yourself to leave the past in the past and be present in each moment now. I try to remind myself of that each day. Good luck! You're not alone :)

I'm in almost the same boat with you, so here is my shoulder to cry on. ;)
I have two, but my daughter (1 year old) is our last. It is rather melancholy to watch her grow up so fast. I want a little more baby time and she is fiercely independent. I also wonder with her and her brother if they are missing out not having a same gender sibling. No matter when you stop (1 kid or 10), you will always wonder if you were missing out on something for your kids. It's part of being a parent. But, as you part with all that baby gear (I can't believe you've kept it for 6 years!!) think of all the freedom you have, no more sleepless baby nights, no spit-up all over you, no more diapers to change. And think of all the room you are getting back by getting rid of it. I hand on my daughter's and son's clothes and stuff now as they out grow them. Sure, I get a little sad, but I'm glad to know someone else is getting use out of them, and I'm glad I don't have to find places to store that stuff anymore. Feel a little sad, then rejoice in your beautiful girl.

in my own experience, getting rid of baby stuff is what causes pregnancy!!

on another note, my sister had a suprise pregnancy very young. she had twins. her boyfriend was abusive and irresponsible. they moved around frequently and eventually they became homeless far far away from our family. after much work and coordination, we got her and the babies home. today the twins are nearly 15 years old. she missed out on much of the early years for needing to just survive and keep the babies well and healthy.

she is now much more stable, happy, healthy, and remarried. she had another baby because she missed out on so much the first time around. she did not regret it.

all the kids (and the marriage) are doing great!

Hello, K.. I know how hard this process can be. It has been almost a year since I had to have a hysterectomy. My son is also six but we had saved a lot of my daughters things as well with the thought that I was going to have another little girl. Then the local scout troop had a garage sale fundraiser and I knew that cleaning out all my baby stuff and donating it would help them a lot. So I bucked up and did it. It was a lot harder than I thought. I cried as I sorted. I know that I will not be having any more, but I still had a hard time with all the memories and with the thought of never having any more. So I am with you in this. With that being said, I think that it is a good thing that you know you only want one child. I wanted three, but I now know that two is my limit. I think a third child would be more than I can handle. I also know many large families that cant take care of their kids and have to rely on the state or thier religion to take care of their family and who treat their kids badly because they have too many to handle. I am not knocking anyone out there who has a large family. I am mearly making observations on people I know personally. And there is nothing stopping you from changing your mind later. You may not be ready for a second child now, but maybe in a few years you will think differnetly. I would say enjoy the memories, dont feel like you need to get rid of everything, and keep an open mind. Good luck!

K.-
If you are not physically able to have more children adoption or foster care may be a possibility. Don't give up. There are so many things you could do to bring more children into your life. Maybe just baby sitting for other friends or having a group play would help ease the tension you feel. Have as many gatherings as you can to expose your child to others their age. Good luck P.

K.,

Of course it's hard! All of your daughter's stuff has memories, stories, and feelings attached to them. Take time to grieve... there's nothing wrong with that.

One suggestion is to pass along your daughter's things to families that really need them. Work with a charity, or join a site like Z..com where you can actually see who will be using your items. (Z. can also help you find and donate to a charity: http://www.Z..com/charities/) It might help!

Good luck!

I think it is hard because it is saying goodbye to the baby and hello to a brave new unknown... Children change so fast that it is hard psychologically for we slow-moving grown-ups to keep up. What you are feeling is normal - my buddy who is a very sure she's done mother of one went through it. I (mother of two, also very sure I'm done) am in a ridiculous state over my "baby" turning five today. My best friend, a mother of four, who may not be done, was lamenting her youngest turning 2 last month. They grow up so fast! You are a normal mom who loves your daughter, and like the rest of us, is stunned by how quickly and easily she has left babyhood behind.

This was hard for me too, and yet I know for me it was the right decision to be done. I think now is a good time to metaphorically crawl into the family you have, and enjoy them. Guilt just may not be a good reason to have a child, but if you really want to add to your family, adoption can be great if you're prepared for it. I know the past is tough to deal with, we all have our regrets. Best of luck.

One more thing, you may have grandchildren before you know it, so look forward to those as well, and make a memory book for your little girl.

I know how you feel, we have an only daughter (just turned 5) (by choice as well) and have had the rounds of thinking that "what if?" But then I think to all the reasons why we made the decision that we did (money, abilty to focus attention/love/energy, ability to travel (all her grandparents live in different "vacation destinations" that some folks save for years and have a once in a lifetime trip to, but we're expected to make the rounds fairly regularly) etc. and know in my head, admitedly my head has to convince my heart a little bit, that it was the right decision for our family. And remember that it does focus our attention on the here and now and cherish each day and phase no matter how hard it was because she's growing so fast. Enjoy your time your daughter now. Maybe offer to babysit one of those new babies when you and your friends' kids have a playdate, to get some "baby" time and enjoy the fact that you can hand it back to the mommy after a couple of hours and don't have to wake up in the wee hours to nurse! ;o)

I think that as women we are soooo hard on ourselves. We have not had permission to be gentle, kind, and loving towards ourselves. Instead we feel guilt and regret and are constantly beating ourselves up for all of the things we "should" or "shouldn't" be doing. We can see so clearly all of the ways we don't measure up rather than see the powerful courage and strength it takes to show up every day.

When my children were little I was a basket case. Severe depression, divorce, anger spilling out everywhere, constant fear and worry. Life was not cool for my kids for many years. However, I have been so fortunate to deeply understand that each thing that happened was for a reason (not that I always understood that in the moment!).

I recently heard a definition of regret that was something like: regret is when you haven't seen the gift or learned the lesson from the experience. I know this is true. Even with as ugly as things were, I do not carry any regret. I have learned many, many things that have transformed my life and broken generations of chains in my family. I used my experiences as motivation to seek help and transform myself.

Guilt is the act of taking responsibility for another's well-being. What is interesting about that, is that we can't be responsible for other people's journey or choices. I believe that everyone, including my children, chose, before they came here, what experiences they wanted to have. We cannot make everything perfectly wonderful and happy for them. So often as parents, we think that we have failed if our children suffer any form of disappointment, pain, suffering, or tragedy. When the reality is, it is all just part of the process.

I could go on for days beating myself up for all the things that coulda, woulda, shoulda been better for my children. Or, I can do what I do and support them in whatever they may experience. And, be gentle, caring, and loving with myself as I too journey through this challenging experience of being human.

K., be gentle with yourself, keep reaching out for support, practice impeccable Self-care, and know that your daughter is going to be just fine no matter what experiences she has with or without siblings.

As for mourning, feel your feelings. I think we are way too quick in this country to stuff, bury, "get over", how we feel when we experience loss. We need to have permission to feel the feelings because that is the only way we move through our grief and allow ourselves to move on without creating mental and physical problems for ourselves.

Be careful to observe your judgements - "shoulds". Be aware of how dangerous it is to get attached to those judgements and to use them against yourself. "Shoulds" do not serve us. They do not make us better people, they do not support us in having more loving relationships, they do not make us happy. Accepting (releasing the judgement of) "what is" and resourcing what is actually before us, will support us in finding peace, freedom, and happiness. In support of You, Tiffay

You are not alone. I have two kids and don't plan on having more. About 8-months ago, I went through a box of items to give to my best friend who was having her first baby. It brought tears to my eyes and I really didn't want to give things away because it really sets in the fact that I won't be having any more babies. And even though our choice was always to have two kids, and we really don't want any more kids, it's still hard to give away my babies clothes, etc. However, I was so pleased when I'd see my friend's son in clothes that I handed down to her from my son. I'd rather give away my precious things to someone I love and care for than to a charity. I know that may sound selfish, but it's not like she didn't need or want them. Then just two months ago, my sister adopted a baby girl and I gave her all of my daughter's old clothes. So I was able to give away most of my baby clothes to two people that I KNOW appreciate them. I did keep a few things from each child. A few favorite outfits, blankets, etc, like the clothes they came home from the hospital in. I just found I wasn't quite ready to give those up and I probably never will.

Just know that you're not alone.

If i didn't know any better I would say you want another child but are scared because of all of the health and emotional issues. What about adoption? Or talk to your counselor(I assume you have one since you had the anxiety/PPD, I hope so!) If you only been dealing with an MD and just using meds for your issues than maybe do talk to a counselor and maybe you can really make a decision on weather to have another! Good luck!