GOD Vrs. FAMILY "What to Do?"

Updated on May 09, 2009
A.M. asks from Silver Spring, MD
10 answers

Hi, everyone…
I’m a little confuse, I don’t know if I’m right or wrong, well the things is, I feel that lately my husband is not spending time with us (kids and me), he is going to church a lot like 4 days a week and those days include weekends, I don’t want to be selfish and be mad just because he is doing a good thing (have a closer relationship w/God) I really don’t like going to church specially 4 days a week, first of all there is no one to take care of the kids (they are only 4yrs old and 8 mos. old), and the other thing is that I used to be a member of that Church but there were some issues with the Pastor that made both of us got out, but now 2 yrs. later, my husband decided to go back. Now church and everything that had to do with it, is His priority or at least that’s how I see it, he doesn’t want to go anywhere with us I feel like I’m a single mother always with the 2 kids alone even in family reunions, we rarely eat dinner together because he is always on a rush to go to Church, I have to deal with the kids all day and night I know as a Mother that is part of my job but sometimes I need a break, but he is never home, he use to help me at least on weekends so I could have a “break” with the kids and then do something else in the house that I can’t normally do with the kids around me, now all that is gone he told me that no one is going to make him stop going to Church not even his kids, and that’s like telling me you are not that important, I feel that we are in last place in his life priorities or at least I am. My intension is not for him to stop going church or to stop the close relationship that he wants to have with the Lord, what I want is more quality time with us, because when he is home he is or watching soccer games, or reading the latest news in the internet. I’m really confused I don’t know how to handle this situation; I don’t want to feel like I’m competing against God. I feel like My husband’s desire to be in church is braking our marriage, I get very upset when I see him get ready to leave, like he is a single person with no family, he doesn’t ask if I need help or anything, I feel really frustrated and because of this I don’t even want to talk to him sometimes, I try to go to bed before he comes back from church so I won’t have to talk to him. And the thing is that he doesn’t see that I need him, that his kids need him, He thinks that he is with us because he provides (economically) to the house all what we need for everything else like going to the park, reading etc.is Mommy. And I'm getting tired of playing the single Mom role, more than me needing a husband my kids need a Father to spend time with, not only 5 minutes while TV is in commercial or while he changes to leave to church. What can I Do? Am I right or wrong, am I being selfish? Should I forget about it, and just let him do whatever he wants? I need your advice!!!! I know God is above all, but where do we stand in my husband’s life. I don’t want to be the evil wife use by satan to stop a husband’s search for God. Sometimes I just feel like walking away from his life with my kids, I really don’t feel loved by him anymore, I feel like I am just a compromise that he has.
I’m looking forward to read your advices, I really need one right now, I often feel like crying for not knowing what to do, please help. THANK YOU!
A. M

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So What Happened?

Hi, Ladies!!!
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
I want to thank all of you. I used to write all my feelings on a journal, but writing to you all and having all those caring responses is giving me a sense that I’m not alone in this, your advices are really giving me the hope that everything can change, and that there’s always a way to make thing better, with God’s help of course. Exposing my situation and having all the great advice and support from you has giving me the courage and the boost that I needed to keep doing my work… help my family stay together and to take the first step to make a difference. I have decided to talk to my husband about my feelings and how this situation is affecting our family. I’m asking you know to keep me and my family in your prayers. Once again THANK YOU, for your advice, your prayers, and for being there all of us… the Moms that come here looking for someone to listen, and to give us advices straight out the heart ,just the way you think!!! GOD BLESS YOU !!!
A. M

More Answers

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M.A.

answers from Washington DC on

A.,
A husband is called to love his wife as Jesus loves the church. This is a tall order; it calls for sacrifice, for dying to self, for unending devotion. It is no small order. You need to gently re-focus your husband. tell him that sacrificing his desire to be in the presence of the Lord for his family is a sacrifice of love. It is what his vocation as a father demands of him. So is his vocation as a husband. He is not a pastor. He is not called to spend every waking moment in the church at the cost of these two paramount vocations. I speak as a Cradle catholic, devoted to my faith, and one who takes her faith very seriously. My husband considered the priesthood before we got married. So I know the tension of a devoted husband to his faith. Choosing god over family is not a choice that God desires. Children are the fullest manifestation of God's fruitful love and blessings; they are not meant to be a choice that pulls a loved one away from you. Correctly directed, love calls us to sacrifice us for the other, it calls us to seek the better of the other; it is not self-seeking or selfish. (Tell him to read 1 Corinth. and ask him if his love towards you can be described in these terms.)
Certainly praying together, even when your focus is divided-like at church, is important. You need to find a church you can both go to so that prayer is the center of your lives-both of your lives.
And most of all, pray yourself for guidance, for forgiveness, for love. Love covers a multitude of sins. and this doesn't mean you ignore your partner's shortcomings. It means that viewed through the eyes of love, a lot of things come into proper perspective. Your husband must learn to see this, that his "love" needs to be directed first towards his family--and that through his devotion to his family, his devotion to god is apparent.
I'll be praying for you. Hope this helps.

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A.D.

answers from Washington DC on

All the revealed religions (Christian, Jewish, Moslem) say that parents will respond to God on "how they took care of their family". I don't think he is really going to a common chuch, maybe some kind of sect which is dangerous because those churches work hard to separate their members from family ties. Talk to him frankly, tell him you and you kids need him to stay, play and talk with you and that you need help in running the house. Nobody can be God's rival and God gives a big importance to the family

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N.M.

answers from Washington DC on

You might consider talking to the church leaders and let them know what is going on with you and your husband.

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T.J.

answers from Washington DC on

Your husband is ordered to love you as God loved the church. I do not think it is a matter of God vs Family, but Church/religion vs Family and that is dangerous. I would suggest marriage counseling and Not with the pastor at this church, perhaps a secular counselor. I am sorry you are feeling sad and unappreciated and unloved, just remember that one day your children are going to to be able to thank you and appreciate you for all the things you have done.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

I agree with Cynthia. He may be using religion as an excuse to always be out of the house the same way other men use golf or work. He may be counting on you not to question it because church is a good thing, right? Not if it hurts the family. I also agree that a therapist outside the church is a good idea because I think this is a case where you need someone without a motive or connections to the community to really help you get through this. There was a family like yours on TV a while back. The father was always at choir practice and held offices with the church and the mother was very alone. It wasn't that he had to drop all of it, but he had to find balance and when he stepped down from some of his church duties, the pastor was very supportive. There are a lot of ways to honor God, and being a good father and husband is one of them.

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R.C.

answers from Washington DC on

If he is avoiding family then his priorities are wrong; because God asked the husband to put Him first place and family second - not last and then on down the list and he is last. Selfishness is not what God had in mind in coming closer to Him. I would continue to pray and if necessary seek help for you if not from that church then from one that is going to help meet your needs as well. I was a single parent and I know how hard it is but if you have a MOPS group or another type of group then you would be able to get out and share your experiences and concerns with others like yourself. I pray things get better for both of you.

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J.J.

answers from Washington DC on

You may want to see if he's using church to avoid addressing issues at home. If there's something he has been reticent to address, finding a new church home or minister with whom you both feel comfortable, you may find a way to talk about what's happening.

If that's not the case, talk to your husband about finding a church together that provides more activities for preschoolers, like your 4-year-old, and, perhaps, a nursery for the baby so that you are not left out of the loop. Ask him for a stay-at-home family prayer night. Tell him you share his investment in the Lord, but you need his help in establishing the right spiritual tenor at home and that his constant absences may be delivering a message to the family that he had not intended. Say it in a tone that gives him the benefit of the doubt so that he doesn't get defensive. Once you find somewhere you both feel comfortable attending, make sure you get involved in something so that he agrees to give you an afternoon or evening away where you can attend a church activity. I'm sure he would like to see you both grow in the Lord. Sometimes, people get so caught up in their own spiritual growth that they forget others need it, too. As long as he feels he has a partner in that growth, he may relax and become more open.

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E.G.

answers from Washington DC on

I agree with all of the moms below. One other suggestion is if your husband absolutely feels like he needs to go to church that often, perhaps you could suggest that you find a church where they offer childcare. I know most churches have nurseries where you can leave your children while you attend services. This would allow you both to spend time at church and with each other. This would also give you a better understanding of whether he wants to be there for God or for escaping the household. But I think the main thing you need to do is talk with him. Have you told him all of the things you have told us? Open communication is one of the best ways to let each other know how you are feeling and what your concerns are. I know sometimes I can be very upset about something and my husband can't tell and he doesn't think that what he did would be upsetting. As the other moms suggested, maybe a professional counselor would be the way to go. Good luck.

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P.G.

answers from Washington DC on

You received lovely and charitable responses thus far, but to counterbalance those, I must add: this seems far too peculiar to be wholly believeable as the whole story accounting for his MIA status. Are you certain he is going to the church? Are you sure of whom he meets at the church? Does the prior "problem pastor" have a role in summoning him, keeping him there or organizing what your husband is supposedly doing at the church? I have a feeling there was a very good reason you and your husband decided to avoid the church and that pastor in the past. Get a few current facts, get help and get yourselves both out of there!

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C.C.

answers from Washington DC on

It may be as the previous poster suggested that there is something fishy at the "church." Is the pastor with whom you had issues still there?

Or it could be that the church has nothing to do with it. Your husband may be using going to services/events as an excuse to get away from you.

In any case, you need marriage counseling. I'm leery of suggesting the pastor of that particular church, though. Call your spouse's employer to see whether they have an "EAP" (employee assistance program).

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