Going to Work After Being a Stay at Home mom...how to Deal with Guilt?

Guilt is the default setting of motherhood. If you're working you feel guilty you're not home. If you're home you feel guilty for not bringing in more money. I don't know any mothers who DON'T feel guilty!

So when you're feeling guilty you need to evaluate whether it's "real" guilt because you're TRULY doing something wrong or if it's just the residual "mommy guilt" we all tote around because we can NOT do it ALL right, right now, for everyone. If it's just momy guilt you ignore it, if it's real guilt you make a change.

And sometimes on issues like stay home or work there IS no "right" decision, you just have to make a decision and then do they best you can to make it right!

I work full time and only occassionally feel guilty now. Mostly from the nights we're running errands and I don't get my desired level of family time. It was hard at first but it gets easier with time. I tell myself two things. The first is kids benefit from a variety of people in their lives. Secondly I am the primary breadwinner in the house so if I don't work, we don't eat. That's not a motivator but it does remind me that sometimes life is the way it is and it's best to be positive. Besides at the end of the day nothing beats walking through that door and seeing my son's face light up.

I was a SAHM who went to part-time, then full-time work. I am a better mother for it. I have far more patience with my children, and try to make the time I have with them worth a lot. Quality time can be bath/shower time, reading bedtime stories, dinner time etc. Each morning the kids jump into bed with us while I'm having my morning coffee. We play games in the car as I drop them off at daycare and school, and I have an outing with them at least once a week. Today we are going to the local aquatic centre after I finish work. Lose the guilt and do what's best for your family. So many moms work, it's very normal! Children adapt, and if you have good daycare/school, they can get so much out of it!

I felt like you before I went back to work, but now I don't have the guilt, and I know absolutely that I am doing the best for my family that I can do. You don't stop being a mother because you go to work either. Good luck!

I would do whatever I had to do (over again) to stay home with my kids when they are little. You only get this time once. Then when they start school, go back to work........JMO :)

This is such a complicated issue and anytime the question of "To Stay At Home" or "Not To Stay At Home" comes up on this site, you get a tremendous number of opinons and all too often they are harsh and judgemental. At the end of the day, this is a very personal decision that looks differently for every family. I will tell you about our situation and I hope this will help you.

I went back to work when my daughter was 8 weeks old. I thought I was going to have a nervous break-down at first. After a few weeks, though, I realized that my daughter was in really great hands and it was really ME who had the problem... not her. I sort of had this light bulb moment when I realized that in many ways, working makes me a better mom. I had to come to a place where I realized that the guilt I was feeling was MY problem, not my daughters... because anyone could see that she was perfectly fine! Seeing her at the end of day is the highlight of my day. We spend the rest of the evening talking, playing, learning, etc. I look so forward to that quality time I get with her every day. Do I feel guilty about missing time with her during the day? Sure! But I would be willing to bet that just about every SAHM on this site feels guilty about having to take time out of their day to do "household" type activities that pulls their attention away from the kids - the laundry, the grocery shopping, etc. I have so many SAHM friends that live for the moment that their husbands get home so they can say, "Take the kids honey! I need a break!" I don't EVER feel that way. So, there are really pros and cons to either side of the equation.

So, how do you make it all work for your family? #1 Don't take just ANY job. You need to go to a job every day that you LOVE and that you are passionate about. If you have a crappy job with rude co-workers or a horrible boss, then you might as well stay home. There is NO way I could get up and go to work every day if I wasn't doing something I loved. #2 You have to be married to someone who realizes that this is an equal partnership. You cannot take on everything (which, as mothers, we tend to do). Your husband will have to be supportive and realize that he is going to have to pick up the slack around the house. #3 Your kids need to be in the BEST possible environment. They need to be happy and they need to be in an environment where they are loved and taken care of. The environment should also be one where they are learning and have developmentally age-appropriate activities. I really believe that, if you can get those 3 things down, you can have a really balanced life as a working mom. Best wishes to you!

With my first child I went back to work when he was 5 months old (1/2 to 3/4 time). I felt really guilty at first and hated leaving him but that feeling totally went away. He was very happy at his preschool (where I volunteered from time to time...1 or 2 x a month) and he was very happy at his day care the other days of the week. I had to try a couple day cares before I found one he just LOVED. IT was a mom who ran a day care out of her home and she had an active little boy my son's age. They became best buds and she took the 5 kids she watched out to do all kinds of active things each day. It took some time to find her but once I did I could tell my son just loved going there and looked forward to it. I really enjoyed my job and when he got older my son really seemed proud of his mom. I did marine bio research at NOAA and his preschool class came to do the touch tanks and do educational activities one time (when he was 3 yrs old). His Kindergarten class came also (when he was 5.5 yrs old). Both times it was like he was showing me off to all his friends. So cute. Now with his sister being little I have stayed home 2 years. Next year when she is 3 I plan on going back to work. I am looking forward to it, and I really hope the transition is not hard for her.

You may find that you enjoy it so much -that's the only place your guilt comes from (the fact that you relish your adult time where you and your brain are appreciated apart from being a parent).

Yes, you'll feel some guilt because you're always going to have those days when you want to stay at home and coddle a child or everything is mounting up in every direction and it would make it SO much easier if you didn't have to go to work, but ultimately for us it was better all around for me to go back full-time. If you have good child care, you will see your children blossom in different ways because they're socializing and learning from different people. It's also REALLY nice to not only have plenty of money to cover everything you need, but to be able to truly save and do some really enjoyable things with your kids that you couldn't afford if you weren't working. Personally I think spending a great weekend having fun with my kids and really relishing story time at night and enjoying sitting around the dinner table instead of being so frazzled by the time my husband got home that all I wanted to do on weekends and during evenings was run away is worth it. I'm into quality -not quantity. You'll always have some guilt at some moments here and there -but you probably do as a SAHM mom as well if finances are super-tight. Just try to let it all go and realize you're doing what's best for your family!

Children are amazingly resilient. No matter what people say about daycare providers, I believe that most of us love our kids very much and would give them the shirts off our backs. If working benefits your family, gets you back into the workplace so that you can begin working towards your future, then go for it. You should not have to feel the mommy guilt.

I never felt guilty when I worked outside of the home. I came home to be with my kids because it seemed like a great idea. I love all kids and enjoy the stay at home, daycare providing lifestyle. If it wasn't for moms like you, I'd be up a creek with no paddle. :)

I don't know. I went back to work when my oldest was 6 months old (I had a 6 month leave) and worked full time until he turned 2. I spent those 18 months working on a career transition so that I could work part-time. When he turned 2, I started working 3 days per week. I took another 6 month leave when I had #2 and he is now 14 months old. Is there guilt? Yes, every day. But my SAHM friends feel guilty for wishing they could "get away" and go to work or be able to afford more for their kids. Maybe every mom suffers from guilt - or at least that is what my mom says...We all wish we could do better for our children.

I will agree with Amanda W that they are only small once and grow so fast - my older is almost 6 now - you should spend as much time as you possibly can no matter what your career status! Best wishes with #3!

Well, I understand guilt, for sure, but when I left my abusive husband, I had to take care of my kids. For me, it was a matter of guilt for working full time and providing for them vs. guilt for not working and ending up who knew where. Lord knows I couldn't depend on my ex for child support.

Keep in mind that children are much more adapatable than we give them credit for. My kids did just fine and actually were very proud of me. I was fortunate to find wonderful daycare. I'm not going to say things weren't bumpy as a single working mom, they still are sometimes. My youngest is 16 now. My kids are both very responsible, independent, loving, they have great work ethics.

I think as moms, we always have these little pangs when we realize we can't be two places at once, no matter how hard we try. We can tend to be too hard on ourselves.
The thing to remember is that we can raise kids who are loving, affectionate, well-rounded, self-assured, strong, happy, and fulfilled even if we aren't with them 24 hours a day. And, they can still know and believe that we love them more than anything.

My kids are living proof.

Best wishes.

I have 3 kids too (4, 2, and 6 months). I was pretty much a SAHM with my first, but I went back to work when he was 18 months because we moved out of my parents house and bought our first home and I had to work to pay bills. I was really sad about it at first, and I felt guilty that someone else would be raising my child, but it has been absolutely wonderful!!! I get a little sanity back when I'm at work. I can drink a cup of coffee in peace, I can go pee with the door shut and just relax and enjoy the silence for a minute or two. I can actually have an adult conversation too. I think I have the best of both worlds because I work part-time (5 hrs a day), so it's just enough time away from the kids, but not too much time away. And I think it has made me a better mom because I actually miss my kids when I'm at work so I enjoy them when I get home. My Mom watches them so I know they are in great hands. My kids did fine too when I went back to work, they don't cry when I leave, but they do cry when Grandma leaves for the day. Good Luck!

I've always been a working mom bc like you, we benefit hugely by my working financially while my husband's jobs never seem as stable and lucrative. But the guilt can be horrible. It seems to go in waves too. For awhile the kids would let me leave in the mornings no problem and I'd think "ah, it's all ok now." And then 2 weeks later, one of them would start giving me a hard time again and I'd feel horrible and think how I couldn't do it anymore. Then it woudl change back. My girls are almost 6 and a recent 7. The 7 year old seems good with my working now. She's learning about money etc. My almost 6 year old mostly makes me feel guilty but the fact that the 7 year old seems to get it more now gives me hope. And last night my youngest and I had a talk again about why I work and she's processing it all. But I expect the waves of guilt to continue. What helps to mitigate the guilt though is I'm able to make all their school functions still and volunteer at school some as well as get home by 5 every night. Since they've never gone to bed before 9:00, I have a fair amount of time with them. We've also had a nanny which may make sense for you w/ 3 kids. The nanny also takes care of a lot of household chores so I've never come home and had to ignore the kids to get stuff done. We'd go to the park every single night when they were younger for 2 hours etc. I have to say 3 kids in daycare if you have no help at home will be tougher. My weekends aren't chores filled either. My husband says I probably spend more real time w/ the kids than lots of SAHM's. So if you going back to work is really worth it financially, it may still be worth it if you outsource a lot of stuff so you can "be with your kids" when you are home. A couple of other things I think of to encourage myself - I've heard when kids get older, they can look down at SAHM's. (sorry, not trying to start a mommy war either. Just what I've heard. My mom was SAHM and I never looked down on her... But maybe times are different.) Or maybe not look down on their SAHM's if they're not out getting their nails done all the time like some really wealthy SAHM's might be but I've heard that teens can at least look up to a working mom with a solid career. So I hope someday my kdis are proud of my career. I have told them I went to a lot more school than a lot of people so I have a very very good job that hopefully someday they'll be proud of. My working also means their college is paid for, we can help them financially someday if needed etc so I hope they appreciate that someday. Finally, I think what probably really messes kids up is if they look back and view their parents as having been really selfish and put themselves first. I think if kids look back and say "woudl have been nice if mom was always home but she worked super hard to make sure we were safe and comfortable and it wasn't fun for her", I'm not sure how that messes them up...

Sweet that you can afford it with all three kids in dc!!! I am a work from home momma but have to get the kids out in part time and sometimes full time dc. i cannot afford it. I am not a "Duggar" momma. Kids drive me crazy and the break really helps. I felt horrible when my first went to dc but got over it after a couple months! Now its like a wonderful thing as my kids LEARN so much and get to socilize and are very happy. I get a break and they are learing. Its win win for my house.

But I understand that its unnatural for some mommas to leave there little ones and go to work. If you can afford to stay at home and that is what feels natural to you why not stay at home until they are all in school? Do what is best for your family not what someone else thinks is best. Its bold for someone else to tell you should be at home taking care of your kids when they dont have to lift a finger or know the emotional toll it is taking on you. Its also very bold to tell someone that you need to put kids in dc so they wont be too attached to you (whats wrong with thaT??) or because they will learn so much more than the would from you (which for me they are because she knows what she is doing ... i dont so much ). Its totally what is right for you. I love my kids and this is what is working for us! Keeping me sane and still a loving momma with a couple breaks a week! Its the right format for my family. Hope you figure out what it is that everyone needs in your family. If it dosent work out for you its not like your going to prision for going to work or for being a stay at home momma!

I think we al struggle with this. With my oldest (now 11)I went back to work part time after maternity leave, but with my 2nd baby (now 7 months) I had no choice but to work full time (30-35 hours a week). We aren't in debt we just have certain financial goals set up and count on my income. I agree with others that if you love your job and feel like you are acomplishing something it makes the guilt a lot easier to deal with. Working part time (20 hours) was the best balance for me. I still am considered part time but by the time I pick up both kids and with errands, cooking cleaning etc. it sure doesn't feel like part time. Some days are better than others. Mondays are always rough for me, but the guilt does subside and I do like my job. I just keep reminding myself that what I'm doing is best for my family and just do the best I can! That's all we can do!

Good luck and congrats on #3!

I stayed home for 2 years when my daughter was born. I love that I got those years at home with her. But I was ready to go back to work. The first few weeks are hard. Really hard. The guilt is huge but it does get easier. The guilt never fully goes away, but I love that my child is in an excellent all day preschool while I am at work. She has gained so much knowledge and personal growth from it. Plus I am contributing a good income to our household allowing us a lot of luxuries that we could not afford were I not working too. Also I am showing my daughter that a mom can have a career too.

Being a working mom is not easy. Its hard to balance it all, but you get into a good groove and things work out smoothly. Don't beat yourself up over the guilt. You will the first few weeks but I promise it does get easier. Good luck.

I have to just add a quick note in here, I have relocated to Sweden and on the radio today they were talking about daycare and had some swedish psychologists sharing their views. They believed that sending children to daycare before the age of 3 breaks the emotional connection between parent and child and contributes to the raised levels of stress and anxiety in children. It is not a natural environment to have so many children to just a couple adult caregivers, so granted it's not ideal. I am a stay at home mom at the moment, and I look forward to going back to work. BUT, that can wait. I have the rest of my life, what's 2 years honestly in the whole scheme of things when I am shaping the emotional and mental health of another human being?

Now this is just my opinion, but I found working when kids were little worked out better (not easier because they are little). When they are older, it is
more important to have a parent home when they get home from school
to oversee what is going on. That being said, some kids do well without
anyone home and others see it as a free for all. You have to look at your
individual child and situation. Good luck.

I didn't have a lot of problems but my youngest was six at the time and I had no choice, I got divorced. Not a lot of work for unemployed housewife. :p In other words I was not about to get remarried just to continue staying home much to some of my friends dismay. :(

I am sure you did a good job of working out the financials but I just want you to consider adding to the list things most people don't consider placing a value on. That would be first this or that, being there for the little things. Just make sure you take those into account and you should be able to transition just fine.

After my divorce I went to college and got a duel major and a masters in accounting and information technology management. I wanted skills that allowed me to work from home. To me still being able to be there when my kids need me was important to my peace of mind. :)