Grandma & Childccare

That is a tough one. I mean the girls are older but! Can you sign them up for a camp and use that as an out? I know she loves them, but I just do not think it is the greatest solution. My husband and I babysit out grandaughter
But I know that if there were any kind of health issues I would bow out. Safety trumps everything.

Maybe you could let her watch them one day a week? Or arrange for them to spend time with her you a weekend day? I understand where you are coming from with the health issues- we've been down this road with my in-laws. It's very sweet that she wants to help. So maybe this would offer her a compromise?

My mother in law watches my kids (10 and almost 5) A LOT! Poor thing, she is so kind to us, and it keeps her young, if she didn't do it, then she would sit in the house all day and watch tv. I kid you not. She is almost 76, about a 100 lbs overweight, but she is a wholesome person for my kids to be around, and much better to have family do it than someone else.
My MIL is also very hard of hearing, but she watches my kids better than the summer school they would go to, where they have 3 teenage girls watching about 40 kids...

why not do a 2 day week thing? she'll get to bond with them indoors where its safe. i assume she's not driving. my answer would change if so, since she cant hear. what do the girls think?? if they enjoy grandmoms company i;'d go for it, if they are bored with her and might cause trouble then i;d stick with the sitter but maybe use her for a 1/2 day during the week or maybe for date night once in a while

I'm with Just M. I think one or two days per week would be okay. The girls and their grandma will equally benefit from spending some time together and bonding, but you don't want to exhaust your mother-in-law with the full-time responsibility. If you decide to decline her offer all together, I would try and at least create a little time for the girls to spend with her. Maybe on a weekend for a couple hours while you shop or run errands. My mom is elderly and has a health history also and she always helped out with my kids. She felt needed that way and I was able to pay her, which she just loved having extra shopping cash :) She took great loving care of my kids and they love and adore their grandma for it, still today and they are 20 & 23.

As a stay at home Grandma, I will tell you that she will be exausted the first week. My grandson turned 7 last Oct & we are great together. I just turned 65 & I have not met another grandma who does what I do. I personally love it, but I retired when he was born to stay home with him. Last summer, I suggested that he go to summer camp. It sounded GREAT. After a couple of weeks, he ask if he could stay with me because "Grandma is more fun!. I would go with your gut. Some Grandmas just can't do it. His other Grandma is exausted after a visit on a Sunday. Has she ever watched both girls for 8-10 hours a day ? times that by 5=exaustion! Why not try a practice day on a Saturday or day off from school, with the exact schedule that you would have during the summer. I think she will back out. It was nice to offer & to save you $$, but food, snacks, activities & gas add up too. Good luck !

Wow, not sure how to answer. My first thought was that yes, your daughter could call you if anything went wrong and it would be nice for the kids to spend extra time with grandma, but what if she drove them somewhere and had issues with her health?

If you do need an out with her you could just tell her that the big kids REALLY want to spend time with the new baby during summer vacation and you just could not burden her with the baby, too.

Mayby Grandma could do just one day a week when you know the kids plan on spending a safe day at home.

Go with your instincts...your Mommy sense is telling you that it is a REALLY bad idea. If she didn't have the health problems, I would think that this is a great idea if you get along OK. However, it just doesn't sound like she has the ability to be responsible for children. It is a wonderful and thoughtful offer, but just not a good idea.

If even your DH hates the idea, there must be more concerns with MIL than you have even shared here.

I was thinking the same thing about your 9 yea old UNTIL you said your husband is a firm "no". It is his mother and her knows her best. If he thinks it is an issue than I think you should heed his warning and go with "no".

Don't get me wrong, I think her offer is very generous and time with grandma would be good for the kids, but if your husband says no than it is a firm no here too.

I agree that if you have a lot of reservations, and so does your DH, then don't do it.

To soften the blow, let her know how very much you appreciate her offer, but that at this time, it makes more sense for your family to stick with one caregiver for the whole family, and for the kids to stay together. Also, specifically make sure to ask for her help where you feel that you can safely do so---she clearly wants to help, and if you can offer her that chance, it will make her happy :). And don't forget to include her in activities with the kids--could be something like, going to Grandma's to bake cookies, or do a fun craft, or run through the sprinkler, etc., or have the family go together for an outing, like a picnic or invite her to come and watch the girls play sports, etc.

For your infant son my answer would be a flat no. You don't mention her offering to watch him so I don't see that being any problem, though. As for your girls I would compromise if possible. I would look for a part time day camp/summer camp. Something that met half days every day or a few full days a week and which should be more affordable. When the girls are not in camp, your MIL could watch them. I don't suggest this because of your MIL's issues as myriad as they may be but simply because watching children of any age all day is draining. I sometimes I think as parents we forget how busy and demanding our children are. We do it on a daily basis and think nothing of it. However, for others who aren't in the daily grind, especially our aging parents and grandparents, the children can be overwhelming. Also your girls would probably benefit from the balance of the fuller activity schedule at a camp. Finally your girls would get to spend that precious time with their grandmother which is so valuable. I think because your eldest daughter is nine and assuming she is mature enough for her age, your MIL's issues don't concern me too much. As you say your eldest should be able to call for help if need be. Whatever you decide, good luck.

Thank her for the offer, then tell her you're sticking with your regular sitter so that there is consistency for the kids.

That is a tough one, the not hearing wouldn't bother me, the talking to herself, while weird wouldn't bother me unless it was a red flag as far as mental disease. The cardiac issues might, but then again at your childrens ages they more or less need someone around to make sure they don't burn the house down. The infant...no.

Do my answer is I don't know. I guess go with your gut.

Your girls are old enough to be able to dial 911 if something happened with Grandma so that wouldn't be an issue as long as they stayed home or were out on a walk. I'd have a problem if they were in a car with Grandma.

I watch my youngest granddaughter all the time and have watched my older grandchildren for longer periods of time. If Grandma isn't use to having little ones around all the time she might be shocked by the amount of actual work it takes to cook, clean, and entertain children.

I'd say to let her watch them for a day or two and see how she does. It'll give them something to switch up with summer and let her spend time with them. Maybe send them on little mini grandma vacations a day or two a couple times over the summer.

As far as letting her watch them all summer? I'd say no. It's too much and if something happens with mil then you'll be scrambling to make other arrangements. She's sweet to offer but I don't think she's able to do it.

I would have to go with my husband on this one seeing how it would be his Mom we were talking about.

True, the oldest is plenty old enough to dial 911 if needed...but...is the risk of exposing them to what could be a VERY SCARY situation worth you guys saving some $? To me the risk out weighs the pros.

I agree with MamaDuck, N.. I almost think it would be good for them to be with her a little bit, because she could use some company. I would keep them with Bethy for the most part, though. There are so many red flags with grandma, that I think full time will just be too much for her.

Glad you have some time to think about it and watch how your mom progresses...

Smiles to you (and Bethy!!)

Dawn

That is hard. You know she wants to be involved, and wants to help you but it's not help if you will worry. Is there another way she can help? Or maybe they only visit one day a week or something. Or can she come to your house (would it be a problem for your current sitter?) sometimes so spend time with them?

Separately, if you and SIL and/or DH think there are unaddressed health concerns, then maybe someone needs to encourage Grandma to see her PCP and ask for a workup and quietly ask the doctor about dementia. My friend's grandmother suffers from something called vascular dementia.

I would say no, don't do it.
Not just because of the obvious health/safety concerns (I would be MOST worried about her driving the kids) but because watching two active little girls all summer long would probably be exhausting for her. My SIL takes care of three of her grandchildren during the week and she is fairly young (55) and in good physical and mental shape. But she has shared with me how tired she gets, how it's a lot harder than it was when she was a young mom. I really doubt your MIL knows what she would be getting into.

Taking care of a grandchild all day long and not doing this on a regular schedule is asking for trouble.

We had our grandson for two weeks two years back and it was a bit much. Hubby was home with him during the day while I worked the second week but we had to think of things to do with him. He was 13 at the time and it was an adjustment for all of us. Being a boy I forgot how much they eat and my budget was blown about the third day in.

By the time grandma got on a routine with the girls summer vacation would be over.

It would suggest that you keep your kids with someone who does childcare for a business and plan special days with grandma on weekends or during the week. No need to put grandma in a situation with her present health issues that could spring up at any time and leave the kids at risk.

Just be diplomatic and let grandma your decision of what will be for the summer and thank her for her offer. Take her out to diner or lunch and both of you tell her so that she knows it is not one of you but both who feel this way.

Have a good summer.

The other S.

I don't think I would risk it and would go with the babysitter, who would likely be able to handle what could be a grueling daily schedule with the kids. The cardiac events and blackouts were the deal breakers. That's serious.

However, I would make sure that days were scheduled for the kids to spend the day with Grandma. Secondly, your husband should talk with his mom to address the health concerns.

Hearing, to me, would be the deal breaker. Cardiac events are rare and while she has a history of them that should be considered, that kind of thing can happen to anyone and your 9 year old should be able to call 911 and then call you.

However...it's vitally important that she be able to HEAR your children. Perhaps this could be something that prompts her to address her hearing loss and get the correct hearing aids if possible? I know that they are expensive, but this is a quality of life issue. There's no reason to needlessly go through life unable to hear at age 63 if she has a treatable hearing loss. That's just a shame. Maybe if her hearing was fixed, she'd stop talking to herself?

I would say that if her hearing can be fixed and she's willing to take those steps, then perhaps have her watch your girls a few days a week and have them with the sitter the other days? Then you get a bit of the best of both worlds. My mom watched my kids a couple of days a week for years and it has really helped them to have strong relationships with her. It's worth it as long as she can take steps to ensure that they are safe in her care.

Your concerns are all valid. The answer I would give would be : ___------thank you so much for offering to care for _____and _____! We are so appreciative of your offer, but we have chosen other plans for them this summer. We would love to have you over to visit and would love a date night or two if your up to it!

Her feelings will get hurt even if you say it in the nicest way. But.....you can't put your kids at risk for anyone's feeling.

I say never leave your children with someone unless you are 100% comfortable, which it sounds like you are not. Safety comes before MILs feelings.

This is tough. My mom takes my son two days a week in the summer, so he can go to swim lessons. This summer if my fathers health is good enough she will take my daughter as well and get her in the lessons as well.

Is there a middle of the road. 1/2 day camp, 1/2 day with grandma?

I think time spent is valuable for both your girls and grandma. Who knows, maybe they will be there and can help grandma when she really needs it. It could be a win win..

Good luck with your decion

oh, so hard! i love that she's putting herself out there to help you, and love how considerate you are of her.
but i think it's a bad idea. the mini-strokes are scary enough just on her behalf, but that plus the hearing issues really do rule her out as a caregiver. it would almost put your 9 year old in the caregiver position, as she'd be the one responsible for making the calls if something happened to grandma.
summer daycare is such a huge issue. my older son recently made an offhand joke about me 'cheerfully' sending him to summer camps. honestly, it worked out fine and i don't think he has any scars or resentments, but it sure woke a guilty response in me! i hastened to tell him about how much i bawled the first time i left him ANYWHERE and how hard i worked to put on that cheerful face for him!
but despite the need to conserve funds, i think i'd pay someone to take care of the kids in this case.
telling her will be delicate. the talking to herself is not a problem, necessarily (other than a possible indication of dementia onset) but the rest is. i'd be honest and tactful about it. 'MIL, you're an angel. our girls adore you and would love the opportunity to spend the summer hanging with you. our only concern is your health issues. it's hard for you to hear conversations, so an emergency situation could be a problem. we also don't want to put any additional strain on your heart. but it would be awesome if we could arrange (fill in the blank with some lesser opportunity to be with the kids) so the kids can enjoy some summer fun with their grandma. and thank you SO much for your loving offer.'
khairete
S.

Let her know that the girls will be taking some kind of 'lesson' in the summer but you really need her to take the girls on Friday evenings to Saturday mornings so you and hubby can have private time. Then when you pick the girls up on Saturday mornings take muffins or something over as a gesture. I think her illness is from loneliness.

I haven't really read the responses, but my first thought is, talk with your husband and do what he wants to do. Reason being, it's his mom. Secondly, I'd be on board to let grandma watch the girls as a try out session (only if hubby agrees). She's grandma, your girls aren't too old that they can't have a good positive experience with their grandma. You said she wasn't in their life when they were younger, well 6 is pretty young, and now she does. Her health wouldn't bother me, and I know of grandparents who are and have been completely def all their lives. Life is short, grandma is only 63, so she's seems to be in pretty good health other than the few mini-strokes, which having the girls might actually improve her health. She wants to help you all out too, I just would try it for a couple of weeks, if hubby agrees, if it doesn't work out, then fine.

I can see why you posted this. It's a very tough decision. Half and half sounds good to me.

The talking to herself, my mom did that. Never knew why all her life. I ask on another board and may have an answer. PTSD. My mom had a traumatic childhood. This might be your answer, too.

Hope this helps.