What Would You Do? - Dallas,TX

I don't think you are being paranoid but what may have been at play may not have anything to do with age.

Have you ever driven on autopilot? What I mean is you get in your car to go somewhere, you are thinking about everything you have to do that day and you find yourself driving to where ever you go the most and not where you actually wanted to go? When my older kids were in a private school that is where I headed, now that I work I always head to work. :-/

That may have been what was going on and it has nothing to do with age. There is a pattern to street lights and even trains. When you are in auto pilot unless the light usually turns red at this point you will actually run red lights without even noticing. It would have been just bad luck that it was a train and not an intersection.

I know I am not the only one to do this. It was a regular topic of conversation when we were waiting for our kids to get out of school.

Oh, obviously since I consider this normal, absent anything medical, I would let her stay with grandma. My mom had Alzheimers and it was very obvious when she hit the point she should not be driving herself or anyone else around.

Your MIL's feelings are not your responsibility. Your daughter's safety is.

Of course, let your MIL know that you care about her health and her feelings. But from your post it sounds like you won't relax and have a good time in Chicago if your daughter stays with her. So it's not worth it, even if nothing bad happens.

This is your first trip away in years with just DH. Go ahead and be overly protective of your daughter so you can be at ease and enjoy yourself on your trip.

Just tell your MIL that you feel she must be shaken up and you want her to recover without running around after a 2 yr old.
Tell her it's for her own good.
If your Mom isn't up to it, you should find another baby sitter or cancel the trip.
Disappointing maybe, but stuff happens and you have to deal with it.
The folks aren't getting any younger and your daughter is getting more active.
A trip is not worth any of them getting hurt.

My mom had TIA's (long medical word) which are basically mini strokes. The symptoms that someone watching would see were: she was reading something to my dad and all of a sudden some sentences were just gibberish, but she never noticed; she would get dizzy and not remember things; one time she fell forward into her dinner. Blacking out needs to be investigated for your MIL's well being. And I would not leave a 2 year old with anyone who has recently passed out. My daughter at age 12 passed out in school during a hot day while they were watching a dissection of a heart video (!!) and the school nurse thought she was dehydrated plus grossed out. We took her to her pediatrician who said to keep her home the next day and drink lots of fluids. The doctor said that after you totally pass out, your system takes about 48 hours to reset to normal assuming not other medical issues exist besides dehydration.
So, NO, I would not let MIL watch her and for her own sake I would make sure she had a physical with her doctor and review of her meds, etc.

I think under the circumstances your MIL will probably understand.
Since your mom and MIL are friends, I think approaching your MIL with the idea of your mom hanging out too will probably be an easier sell than you think.
Any normal person would be leary to let Gma watch the kids after she just blew a RR stop with no recollection....

"Ma, the last thing I want to do is hurt your feelings, but since your accident is still so fresh I cant help but be a bit concerned for you home alone with the baby.... so if it's okay by you I'd love for you to still sit but I'm gonna have my mom come too and you guys can all have a few girls nights together."

I really like the idea of saying 'Hey, have a great time ladies!" and have both grandmothers together. I'd make it a special thing, get a couple movies, some special foods they both like or a gift certificate to a favorite restaurant. If you posit it as 'this way, you can help each other out and give each other breaks- as well as having another adult to talk to', it might be a gracious way to handle it.

I think most parents would be rightly concerned in your situation. I hope it all works out.

One accident isn't concerning. It's "keep an eye on things". Heck, I've almost driving through those things at night with them down and blinking! :)

Go ahead and enjoy your weekend.

Two accidents...that's when I'd start worrying.

Thank God she wasn't hurt. I will often pull into the driveway and realize I can't remember how I got there. I think it is very common for people to drive on autopilot. I think it could have happened to anyone.

Have them both. Her feelings will be hurt, but your child is worth it.

Bottom line is that you will not have a good time with your husband if you are constantly worried about your daughter. No one would enjoy the trip. Are your plane tickets refundable? If you choose not to go, make sure you notify the sirline so the ticket will stayed "banked" for you to use within the year.

I realize your daughter is and should be your priority.

I have been on auto-pilot before, especially when I was in outside sales and driving a lot. I have driven straight through a town where I had an appointment and realized it about 1/2 hr down the road that I didn't stop in to see my customer. It happens... No I don't have medical issues and I was in my early 20's at the time.

If I had been on auto-pilot and wrecked my car by going through a train area, I would be quite upset too... #1 that I did something so stupid, #2 worried that I may have a medical issue #3 Thanking the good Lord there was no train coming at the time.

If your mom can come, why not let her come visit and help out? Especially because your mom can't watch your daughter alone, this would also give her an opportunity to bond with your daughter as well and share the babysiting job. No hard feelings for anyone. You are thinking about your MIL and her emotions right now, rightly so.

Sharing the babysitting responsibility is the only way (in my opinion) you will be able to go and get some much needed couple time and relax at all.

I always followed the rule of "safety 1st". & when in doubt, I chose the safest choice.

If you & your DH are in agreement, then have both gmas!

I would put the well being of my child above MIL's feelings or anyone else. Just tell MIL that your mom is going to be there, too.

I have driven on autopilot before mostly driving the way to work instead of going to the store... but I have blown through my fair share of stop signs and maybe even a red light or two on autopilot - luckily never had an accident.
I don't know if I would go so far and blow through a train crossing with the arms down... but I have friends who have caused accidents driving at night and falling asleep at the wheel for fractions of a second - one even flipped a car on the freeway once (no alcohol or drugs involved, just people being tired and driving in the dark).

So it happens to the best of us, the most diligent drivers. I think it is reasonable to ask MIL to get checked up by a doctor after this, I am sure she will agree. If she comes back with a clean bill of health, I would suggest that you put your doubts aside - or have your mom come to help as well and they can share the weekend with each other and their granddaughter.
If you do, don't make it an issue of trust. Just tell her with the accident and everything you though it would be nice if both grandma's spend the weekend with DD, just in case anything comes up that your MIL might need to take care of/to give her some extra time to recover from the shock.

I would talk to her doctor with her present as he can't divulge information about her to you without her permission.

I would have your mom check in with her during Thursday and Friday....and if your mom can be there - since they get along - do it - it's a back up plan for your sanity.

I think you are being overly protective. But that's NOT a bad thing. That was a serious accident. Take a deep breath and just ask your mom to be there as well for back up..

I would never leave my child with my father who recently had a similar incident. A pleasure trip is not worth the risk of your child being left in a car, or worse injured in a car accident. You need to make another arrangement.

Your daughter's safety is NUMBER 1 PRIORITY!!! Second, is your MIL's health! Sounds like she needs to have an MRI or something. I would be VERY concerned about her.

Having said all that.... do you have a good friend or anyone else that could help with your daughter? Doesn't sound like either mother is the safest way to go when it comes to driving. I know it's a difficult decision to make but at some point you have to make the decision of not letting people drive your child. I had to do this with my Daddy and it broke my heart, but when it comes to safety issues, it makes the decision a lot easier. And, I don't let either one of my in-laws drive my children because they're crazy on the road!!! One time riding with them was enough!!!

If it were me, I would just let everyone stay at the house and forego the day-care for a day. Make sure food, etc. is already in the house so no one has to go out for anything and/or drive your daughter.

Good luck!!!

Since your MIL just had an accident, that's excuse enough to let her know you will find find someone else for now to keep her. If your M. can take the time off, that's better for you. Don't worry about your MIL gettnig offended, just dont go and stress the issue of keeping your daughter so that she does get offended. Focus on her and the accident and her getting better, that way she knows it's more about that.

It's pretty often that people can't remember what happened during an accident that was traumatic like this. She may have had a break problem and could not stop. Thank God she wasn't killed.

I would just tell her that I wanted her to get a lot of rest and make sure she was feeling better so my mom was going to come help out. She is welcome to help too. But mom is going to stay at your house too.

That way she may guess that you are making sure she's not alone and has some sort of health issue but it won't be said out loud.

Unless both did it the entire time, no way. I cannot agree that "one accident" is a "keep an eye on it" situation. This particular accident was a potentially fatal one. What if your child had been in that car? What if your child IS in the car next time?

She fully has admitted to a "blackout." Huge red flag word, "blackout."

Both grandmas, or you stay home. And if it were me I would want to tell my mom that she had to be present every moment. Over-reacting? Not in my book. Your MIL needs a full medical workup including examination for epilepsy, diabetes, vision, hearing, everything. This is not about offending MIL; it's about her health. Your husband, as her son, must approach this with her as a very loving, non-accusatory, "I'm so worried about you because I love you so much" discussion. And do not let this trip sway the way you and he handle it -- the trip is absolutely nothing in the great scheme of things; we're talking about your MIL's health and your child's safety here. Better to over-react than either to have a horrid trip because you're worried sick, or have a nightmare homecoming because something happened.

Deal with it carefully so as not to stress out your MIL. If you stay in town, be sure to do something very special with your child and MIL together.

Just off the top of my head, I think I would have the doctor handle this. Ask MIL's doctor if he thinks she needs extra rest this week because of the accident. If he says it would at least be better for her to have help, then the door is open to inviting your mother to come and help, without your offending anyone.

Darn iPad!
I think this week mil needs to go and be checked out by her doctor. The fact that she does not remember could be shock, but it could be something else.

Use this as a concern for her health and then figure out a way to say, maybe this weeks plans need to be revisited.

Yes her feelings may be a little hurt, but be truthful, that this accident is a wake up call for her, there may be something going on with her health and you all need to find out what it is. Caring for a child alone while she is stil shaken from the accident, may be too much for her.

Well, what's more important, your kid or your MIL's feelings? She's an adult, and she just made a HUGE, very dangerous error in judgement & common sense. If she can't accept the repercussions of her mistake, that is HER problem, not yours. If she can't understand your feelings & position, then, it is what is.

Personally, I would probably just end up staying home because I couldn't relax on the trip if I wanted to.

Oh wow, this is a tough one. I know I wouldn't be able to leave my little one with her. I'd be a nervous wreck the whole time. If it were me, in order to avoid hurting her feelings, I would just suddenly decide I no longer wanted to go the trade show and stay home with my daughter.

If you decide to go, you'll have to just be honest with her and tell her that this is very concerning for you and your husband and that you'd feel better if both she and your mom were there.

My MIL has some mental health issues going on so we had to closely monitor her interactions with our daughter. Nothing ever happened, but we were cautious and then again, our child is much older.

I would not go under these conditions, as it does not appear that either of your mothers are in a situation to fully care for daughter over a few days. Has MIL had an medical evaluation? It's hard to miss red flashing lights, downed gates and train bells. I don't think I would leave her with my MIL.

I would talk to yoour MIL and your concerns. She sounds like a lovely woman. Suggest that your Mom and your MIL babysit together. You said they get along great (you are so B. in that respect) so I think it would
work fine. If something like that happened to me, I would be afraid to be
left with a little one, especially is any driving is involved. Let us know how it
goes.

You are not being paranoid. It would be great if both grandmothers could co-watch your daughter. Just explain to her in light of recent events, you would feel better having your mom there too in case she has another episode. Tell her it's for both of their safety.

No paranoia here. Your gut is already telling you what you need to do. DO NOT be swayed by "hurting feelings" here. Have your mom take the time and care for your little one. In light of the recent events, the safety of your daughter is the important thing. Until your MIL gets a few more tests done I would not leave my daughter with her. So many unanswered questions you know? Did she fall asleep, did she black out, does she need glasses? How do you not see or hear a train coming. Alzheimers? Seizure? Fainting? It's just too much that is unsettling. Be honest with her and if you can't be, tell her she needs her rest and you wouldn't feel right asking this of her and your mom will handle everything. You'd like this time away with your hubby and the last thing you need is to be worried about baby at home.
Listen to your gut! Good luck!

I would tell MIL that you have a sticky situation and you are hoping she can help you out. Tell MIL you are worried about her being offended, but your own mother is upset you didn't ask her to watch the baby the whole time. Tell her you are worried that your mother is not able to watch the baby for two days because of her health issues, and you think it would be too taxing for her, but maybe, to soothe her feelings, she could come watch the baby with MIL? Then tell your mom that you told MIL these things to help smooth things over. Act like your mother is the one who wants to be with the baby so badly that she needs to be pacified and that MIL would really help you out if she'd let her come over and stay as well.

With a police report that read she didn't know what happened, in CA, DMV would suspend her license immediately until she has a doctor's evaluation and if the doc determined that she may have had some sort of seizure/blackout, her license would stay suspended for a minimum of six months. HOpefully your state has something similar.

With that in mind, you may not need to do anything - DMV may do it for you! But I think it's a wonderful compromise and so lucky that the two get along so well. Of course, that may change when they're BOTH trying to take care of the baby THEIR way! LOL!

honestly i would probably explain the situation to your mother, tell her the truth and tell her what youre going to tell your MIL so she knows what to say and what not to say.. check with your husband first but i would totally blame him if possible.. i would say there was a miscommunication between you two and both of you asked your mothers to babysit for those days.. say that your mom already took off work so shes going to come and hang out with her and the baby the whole time too.. and that because your mother already took off work and is coming anyway that its up to her wether she still wants to watch your daughter or not.. leave it up to her to decide what she wants to do and either way your mom will be there to keep an eye on the situation

I think your MIL is extremely embarrassed about what happened and made that answer up hoping everyone else will forget about it. If this is the first "black out", then it is a red flag; if this is the second "black out", it is a call to action and time for you (your husband, actually) to do something about it for her sake and explore other options for your daughter in your absence. When you (your husband, actually) confront your MIL, expect the worst. I think this is something everybody goes through with their parents - now it's your turn.