Grandmother with Concerns

You're from Atlanta which is a large city, so I"d keep searching for new doctors and therapists who might be able to help you. And it seems like he desperately needs his meds adjusted. They should get on that ASAP.

Is there perhaps a better school for him? Maybe the one he is in is not meeting his needs. Get the school psychologist fully involved and working for you.

Hang in there - you all seem like an awesome family.

Is there any therapy happening for attachment disorder? It may be an issue... I don't know much about it, but the issues with closeness made me think of it. Hugs to you all!

I, too, am a foster parent. It sounds like he has some attachment issues and until those are resolved, he will continue to have some problems. Have them seek out an attachment therapist. If they have a difficult time finding one, they should be able to contact the Mary Ainsworth Attachment Clinic, Charlottesville, VA, and ask for someone close to them.

Additionally, purchase the book Beyond Consequences and check out information from the Beyond Consequences Institute. They have a program that may be in your area.

They need to be in touch with their social worker to get support for themselves and the boys. Are the boys adopted or still in care?

Feel free to PM me with questions. I'll be happy to recommend other books we've read as a part of our foster parent support group. Our son's adoption was finalized in October 2012 and we just recertified, so we could get another all at any time.

Yes, do as much research as you can on Reactive Attachment Disorder. That is where we have found the most help.

Books that have been helpful for our family:
The Explosive Child
http://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frust...

Parenting the Hurt Child
http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Hurt-Child-Adoptive-Holly...

For your daughter, can you or someone else offer her respite care? Parenting a child with RAD is *absolutely exhausting*. It helps so much to have a break now and again. Could someone, for example, take the kids one night every two weeks, so that she can break down and cry, sleep in, take a bath, kiss her sweetie, etc.?

Is there a foster care support group where she lives? It helps to know we are not alone.

I LOVE this blog. http://www.welcometomybrain.net/search/label/therapeutic%...

I have a good friend whose children (adopted out of foster care) are now aged 9 and 10. She said that she had huge breakthroughs with them three years ago. I take heart in that.

To know: ADHD and OCD are diagnoses that are frequently slapped on foster children. Sometimes, the diagnoses and medications are helpful. Sometimes not. Attachment disorders can be co-morbid with developmental delays, PTSD, and other neurodisorders, or they can stand alone. All too often, they missed and mismanaged. Attachment disorders act like ADHD in many regards. It can cause impulsivity, sensory seeking behavior, difficulty with emotional regulation, difficulty focusing, etc. The issue is, if kiddo doesn't have ADHD and is medicated for it, it will be really problematic. If kiddo DOES have ADHD and an attachment disorder, but only the ADHD is being treated, improvement might not be seen. The ticket is to find and implement therapeutic techniques alongside any medication.

Are the kids receiving therapy? Does your daughter have an outlet, like therapy? It's such a hard road to be on. Without a way to vent feelings, it's darn near impossible.

Such big hugs to her. I wish you all luck and strength. I relate to her feelings of desperation and loneliness, and she is not alone.

First, Ephie has given some really good information!

I was a foster mother to my daughter whom I adopted. During CSD trainings I was introduced to the concept of bonding and the fact that some kids are not able to bond with others. They have what's called an attachment disorder.

CSD arranged for my foster daughter to be assessed by a child psychiatrist to determine if she would likely be able to bond with me. Fortunately he said that she would. And she eventually did, but it was a long couple of years before I felt that she felt close to me.

If he hasn't been seen by a child psychiatrist I suggest that he see one. Ask about bonding attachment disorder. Because if he does have an attachment disorder there are ways to encourage attachment.

One of our trainings was done by Foster Cline and his partner. I don't remember his name. They've written several books entitled Love and Logic. They formed this way of parenting after founding and running a residential treatment center for kids who were totally out of control and unable to live in the outside world. They described these kids as being unable to attach and they had a large percentage of success with them.

Of course, my daughter and your grandchildren are not that seriously affected and in fact may not have an attachment disorder but many of the skills that Dr. Cline teaches helps more normal children attach to others in their lives.

I used some of the teachings in the book Parenting with Love and Logic. I think that the primary helpful concept for me was to find ways to discipline consistently while giving primary responsibility for her behavior to her while having discipline focused on teaching and not punishment; to have consequences be related as closely as possible to what I was trying to teach. Because she's responsible for her own behavior I'm able to feel less emotion about her misbehavior. I had felt that I was doing a poor job parenting. Love and Logic put all of that in perspective. Yes, I'm responsible for the way I parent and how I parent does affect my child's behavior but ultimately they are responsible for how they choose to behave. It's really difficult to explain. Parenting and children's behavior is interconnected. It's important for me to assess what I'm doing and alter the way I'm parenting when it doesn't work. It's also important to not blame myself when my child misbehaves. It's important to set up life so that the child is able to choose right behavior and a part of that is to make behavior a learning experience.

It's really difficult when a child acts the way you're describing. It's important for you daughter to have time for herself to do things which she feels good about. She needs this time to partly counter balance the times during which she's so stressed. What helped me most was to have someone watch my foster daughter so that I could have a life at times apart from her. Also, it helped a lot for people to listen to me vent without trying to fix the situation. Just listen and give me a hug. It helped for friends to tell me I was doing great; to remind me how fortunate my foster daughter was to have me; to remind me that this won't last forever. It seems that he won't get past this but he will if they're receiving professional help. Always have hope. He may never become the son she would like to have but he will become better adjusted and better able to cope. So will she.

My grandson is on the autism spectrum and has had some of the traits you mentioned. Although he was affectionate, which makes all the difference for a caretaker, he didn't get along with other kids and was angry and out of control much of the time at home and at school. He's now 9 and doing much better. We've all had professional help in learning how to deal with this.

It might be helpful for you in giving your daughter support if you attended some of the meetings about your grandson's behavior. I've gone with my daughter and as a result I understand better about what my grandson is like and how to treat him. I'm able to say to my daughter, remember what they said? He'll get past this. etc. I understand more and feel like I'm better able to support her.

I wish I had a solution for you but I have to say I admire your daughter tremendously. It is so good of her to be willing to take these foster children in because understandablly they have been either neglected, abused, abandoned, etc. and that is why they are having all these issues. You have one great daughter to take on this daunting challenge - God bless you all.

I haven't answered because I don't know that I can be any help. I am from a family of capital letter diagnosis. I am ADHD as are all four of my kids. ADHD does not carry a temper, just doesn't but a lot of people have ADHD and.....

My younger son had that same diagnosis but also with PDD NOS as well. I wish I could remember why we settled on no ODD but we did and he doesn't have it. PDD NOS is a catch all, or was, if you didn't fit into any other spectrum disorders but now they are all spectrum disorders.

The thing with autism spectrum is they lack the ability to intuitively pick up on anything social. Everything is cause and effect, pure logic. Andy is almost 14 and he knows logically that people will not be his friend, they will be scared of him if he cannot control his temper. Before he saw that if he lost his temper people gave him what he wanted. It is all logic, it is all if I want this I must do that.

I know the desperate and lonely. I have four amazing kids so the other three were my support but if you don't have that my god you feel alone. She may want to seek out an autism support group. Even if it isn't the correct disorder I assure you the feelings the parents have are the same!

I wish I could tell you books and such but I am not wired right, none of my family is, we all think the same so most of what I have done is intuition. With my kids with just ADHD it is a function of why would I do this, what would make me not do this. For Andy it is just a matter of removing the social and applying just logic. I speak their language because I am not normal.

Andy was hospitalized in third grade to get his meds worked out. In the hospital they could pull him off of meds, put him on, check the results without danger of him hurting himself and others. This made it much quicker to get him on the right meds and the right does. He was in special schools for his fourth and fifth grade so he could learn his triggers, learn coping skills.

He is finishing up eighth grade and if you didn't know he had a temper you would not know he has a temper. I am not bragging, I promise. I am telling you this story because I want you to know I have been to hell and back with Andy and he is fine now. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe if your daughter knows that it will help her, ya know?
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You got excellent advice from Ephie and Marda! Love those guys and they know what they are talking about and both come from a very loving place. :)

I wanted to also add my somewhat different experience as someone who was adopted. My case if very different because I was adopted as a newborn, very healthy pregnancy, all that. Still my mom always put any behavior of mine she didn't like on me being adopted, on me not loving her like I would a real mom. I was adopted at birth, this was the only mom I ever knew! That was all her issues.

I say this knowing that a fair few issues come from how these children were adopted, and I am not dismissing that, but there can also be mental issues that would have been there regardless, like in my case very much ADHD. I had no trouble raising my ADHD kids because I have felt everything they feel or will feel, my mom never had that advantage.

Still my mother never tried, her issues I know, but to see your daughter and you working so hard to understand, well it warms my heart. :)

I think you've gotten some great advice, but my contribution is regarding his diagnoses. Because the ADD and OCDC are neurologically based and organic, and it seems that his medication might not be quite right... as well as other emotional issues going on... I suggest that if he's not already that he should be evaluated by a pediatric neurologist. One that's willing to work in tandem with a therapist.

The foster system should have resources they can tap into. I would also consider RAD, which is an attachment disorder.

Also, if he is not in therapy for the transition, he probably should be. If he was close to his mother and now she's not there, then it may be like the stepchild who rails against the stepparent not because the step is doing anything wrong but because the step is doing what the bio should have done - in other words, the child feels he/she cannot love the step because they miss the bio and are not able to process the hurt that the bio cannot care for them. Sometimes it's not YOU but your PLACE. Does the think if he is bad enough he will go back to mom? That is something that I'm sure has come up for others in the foster care system.

If he will let her, have her cradle him like a newborn with his cheek against her chest so he can feel her breathing and she should gaze into his eyes, and they can talk about the day, and name his feelings, what happened today that made you happy, sad, mad, scared. If he is just a little standoffish this might help, if he really can't stand to be touched it won't work.

For yourself, focus on something you can do for him that makes you feel like you are showing him love, Like oh say giving him a different state quarter every time you see him, or buying him baseball cards and he and little bro get one everytime they see you. or put money aside each week in a savings fund for him, that you don't even need to mention it to him but by doing it with the warm fuzzy thought of him it might help you feel more connect to him. send him cards in the mail, again more to give you the chance to how love, and not feel rejected. and he might even grow to like it.

Last 2 cents, help take care of your dd by giving her time for herself or maybe time for her and dh. That might not mean babysitting if it's too much for you and the little guys, but it might mean lightening her load someother way, like bringing a meal or doing her shopping for her or mailing a gift card for dinner, paying for a maid-lol,I wish- , listen to her vent sometimes.

I hope things get better soon :)

Please clarify -- you wrote, "C is so hard to get close to - doesn't seem to like anyone but his Mom." Most are posting here assuming that you mean he doesn't like anyone but his biological mother but my first impression was that you meant that C only reacts well to your daughter -- his foster mom. Which is the case?

And the foster care agency should be helping your daughter and her husband out here. The agency should help them connect with therapy and other resources--though your sister and husband may have to pay for that therapy. If C is not in therapy along with taking meds-- he does need behavioral therapy, and play-based therapy that is appropriate for his age. It sounds like he might need more than just a once a week therapist for while, so he can get through some big adjustments.

Is there a support group for foster parents in her area? That would be my first recommendation. The second would be for her to reach out to the clinic which did the evaluations and see what sort of resources they offer. Do they have cognitive behavioral therapy for kiddos? Do they offer workshops or seminars for the parent/guardians of children with special needs and diagnoses like you describe? I would be calling the children's hospitals for that information.

Your daughter is lucky to have such a caring mom, and those boys are lucky to have a caring grandparent in their lives.

And do tell your daughter that even the most prepared of us moms get thrown for a loop on a regular basis. As long as she is doing the best she can, she *is* being the best mom she can be.

Your description of the 6 year old is textbook Aspberger's...may be time to seek a new opinion on what he's actually dealing with. OCD is a symptom of Aspie's, and the rest can mimic ADD...

For the ADHD aspect, I recommend that they join CHADD. It's a support association for families and adults dealing with ADHD. His issues go well beyond the ADHD, but there will be people there who can relate and give advice.

Medication can take a lot of trial and error. Hopefully when they find just the right medication and dosage, his behavior will improve a lot.

Good luck!

My niece and nephew were adopted from foster care and both have had specific challenges, especially my niece. Find a good counselor and good medical care. Stick with this. If cost is an issue, look into programs that will help you. This is a long journey and I worry about my sister-in-law and her family, but your daughter sounds amazing. I know she will be able to help her child through this. I will be thinking of you all.

- Get him involved in counseling (individual and family)
- Have him referred for a psycho-educational assessment; his medical conditions and background trauma may be impacting his ability to learn. At that age, children struggling in school tend to act-out behaviorally.
- Get involved with a Child Study Center. Have your daughter (or the social services people) get him on a list for an evaluation. This is offered through MANY major universities (if they have a graduate program in health and social sciences). Emory likely has one, as may the University of Georgia.
- She should seek out a support group for herself (and her husband) because she needs to see that she is not alone. There are MANY support groups out there for adoptive/foster parents struggling with behaviorally disordered children.

When you said he doesn't like anyone but his MOm, a light came on.

I wonder if he feels that he would not be loyal to the mother he loves. if he got along well and actually loved the foster mom. He could be desperately trying to hold on to what he knows and not let anything new and unfamiliar in.

Does your daughter talk to him about his mom or at least mention her? Is she allowed to? I really think he's trying, in his own little way, to be loyal to his mom.

Hopefully once they get his meds adjusted, some of this will work itself out. I think your daughter has to just be patient and understand that these kids came with bagage; she didn't cause any of it and she may not be equipped to help him. Just keep being there and loving him and perhaps acknowledging that she is not his mom; she is not trying to take mom's place; it's great that he loves his mom; she just hopes he will allow her to take care of him until his mom is able to. If it's okay for her to do so, relate as much back to his mom as possible.

If they are in foster care they have a social worker these issues should be addressed to. He or she is accountable to the state for their health and well-being, and is able to refer your daughter and SIL to the resources they need. Best wishes!

As for school, is there EXTRA work or drawings that he can work on in his down time?

Art, sketches, doodling, photography, clay, they all provide an outlet of expression and release and are all ways that he CAN connect with others.

I am sorry your family is having some challenging times. I would suggest seeing what types of support groups are out there for your daughter and or your grandson. Check with the community/school resources. Another option is to have your son-in-law check with his employer to see if they offer any support resources through their EAP (Employee Assistance Programs) Maybe talking with other parents with children with similar challenges would be helpful and reassuring. Best of luck :)

Look up Dr. Ray's stuff. He has adopted ten kids and is a clinical physiologist.