Grrr Vacation and the Ex

You have good valid points but I just wanted to point out something you stated, just so you can think about it.

"What type of parent would keep a child away from the other parent this long when they have a great relationship with both mother and father?"

When she is with you you are in fact keeping the father from not seeing her when he wants, unless he sees her regularly on a daily basis or something close to that. He probably feels the same way you do and misses the child as much as you. So if he says no then maybe you can be a bit more empathetic to him.

What would you do if the tables were turned? Take it from there.

Many people who live long distances from their former spouse have time with their children for the whole summer.

Blessings....

my daughter and I talked daily and texted all day when she would be at her dads for extended periods of time. maybe you two can skype.

he may not see it as taking her away from you for a long period of time, anymore than you see it as taking her away from him for a long period of time.
this is actually a good thing for both of them. short visits lead to the Disney Land dad thing. during an extended visit, the dad part takes back over. they get back to a place of rules and consequences and working on a real relationship, rather than just spending money and having fun.

i found that for me, maternal energy is creative energy. i would be driven to plant something, paint something, cook something, get crafty while she was gone. so, take a class. start a project. do something for yourself.

If you have a good relationship I would just talk to him. Maybe he didn't consider it from your end?

You certainly could talk with him about options. I don't know anything about the rest of your schedule with your daughter, so I don't know how this summer vacation time fits in. I do know that my husband and I typically had 3 weeks of time with my stepkids in June and another 3 weeks in August when they were this age. They lived in Chicago, so we got about one weekend a month during the school year, and then school vacation times with them. Many children have 6 weeks of summer vacation time with their fathers.

I would definitely ask about seeing her when he's at work, but just make sure to phrase it nicely and not in an accusing manner. Also keep in mind that they may have a bunch of day trips/activities planned, but nothing "extended" so you are going to have to respect that too.

If he says "no" make arrangements to talk with her every day and Skype!

What does YOUR DAUGHTER want? She's at the age where courts will seriously consider her wishes. If 4 weeks away from mom is too much for her, it's mentally not healthy for him to push this on her.

I would ask the worst he can say is no.

Oh wow. I just asked my daughter if she would WANT to go to my MIL's house for a week next summer...not that I'm ready to let her, but I wanted her opinion on it. She said no...it'd still be scary for her to be away from us for a week. Granted, I'm always with my kids or my family is, but not other people. I would ask HER what she wants. But I would assume she would WANT to see you during this time period. I can't imagine it and I hope he is reasonable!!

I would ask that she can be with you during his work day.

Totally ask to see her while he's at work, what's the harm in that? If you can keep a good relationship between you and your ex I don't know what the issue would be if she was just spending time alone at his house, you are her mother afterall. Is your daughter aware she is going to be gone from you for a full month? What does she think about it?

I would talk to them and see if you can see her for dinner or something during that time.

My stepdaughter will be away from her mom for 4 weeks this summer (due to our vacation and another trip with a friend) and I'm sure that by 11 my SD had a thought or two about her summer. Talk to your daughter, calmly, about the schedule and see what she thinks. If she's okay with it, then I wouldn't fight for a lot of time. They may not be DOING anything, but just sitting around is also good time. I'd actually prefer it than a constant dog and pony show.

What we do is trade EOWE so that while my sd's with her mom during the week, we get EOWE and DH has the option to see her one night on the "off" week for dinner.

I would try to find a balance between everyone's needs without interfering with his time with his daughter.