What do you ladies think? I have a large extended family. My parents are both remarried, Dad is not with my stepmom anymore (technically she's not my stepmom and has remarried as well but she's been my stepmom since before I was 1 year old and is still "mommom" to my kids), and I have both my aunt and uncle as another set of parents (who has their oldest ADULT daughter with them ALL the time) and my inlaws. Add to that my biological siblings, my husbands siblings, and my cousins who are like sisters to me (and all their kids) and immediate family at dinners/parties become very large. I also realize that inviting them does not obligate them to ocome but I am not comfortable inviting some of the parents and not all the parents. But I have real difficulty in inviting some of the "siblings" and not the others but I can't host all of them every time. So for Thanksgiving, I invited all the "parents". My MIL immediately said "Richard too?" Richard is my BIL but he does not live with them so I was shocked that she asked. I told her that we hadn't discussed anything other than the parents. The next day, I was at work and my BIL sends me a text telling me MIL had told him about dinner and asking if the invitation was for him or not. I let my husband handle it because the other BIL is and always has been single and I have sometimes refered to him as "my other son" so I figured he would most likely show up here. Let me clarify that I wasn't opposed to having the siblings, just wasn't prepared to host everyone and hate to invite some siblings and exclude others.
What do you think about MIL both asking me about and then telling BIL about dinner? My first thought was shock because I didn't think it was her place to ask but rather our place to invite those we planned to invite (unless we said to pass the word).
How do you handle choosing who to host?
Just wanted to elaborate that we often host everyone...Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, summer BBQs, as well as parent's birthday parties, and even allow BIL to utilize our home and pool for his daughter's birthday and our siblings NEVER host anything so our parents would not be choosing us over our siblings. The siblings may go to their inlaws or have dinner on their own. Once in a while, I just think it would be nice to host some without having 40 people. I also don't get how someone can invite others to YOUR home or event.
I can't add anything to what Luna said---I feel the same way. We would let it be open to "whoever" (and assign whether they are bringing an appetizer, side, additional entree, salad, dessert, drinks, or whatever). Some will show, some won't. I wouldnt want to say "you're invited, he's not" or whatever.
We have a strange family "setup" too. We don't host every holiday, but when we do, at our house, everyone is welcome. We have that policy because family politics can quickly take over otherwise, and too much drama can make it not fun anymore. Everyone understands that everyone is welcome at our house, and so when people do come, they tend to be on their best behavior.
This year, we are hosting Christmas, and we are planning a Christmas open house weekend. That means family/friends can drop by any time between Friday and Monday, and we are planning a big dinner Sunday evening. But with 4 different "sides" of the family, not everyone can make it. So, we say make it when you can, we will have lots of food, fun, games, gifts, and relaxation. So far we've had a great response. We'll have a houseful the whole weekend,lots of people in and out, but not everyone is coming to the dinner. It'll be great!
I have a family that is so mingled and criss-crossed, it could make your head spin. Literally.
If you're going to host a gathering for the holiday, the only way to make it work is to be prepared to invite everyone. If you're not prepared to host the entire family, then you can have a dinner a couple of days before or a couple of days after if you just want some one-on-one time with certain family members, but on Christmas Eve, or Christmas, there really isn't any graceful way to say "We are only prepared for a few people".
In my family, EVERYONE is welcome to the holiday gatherings. In fact, if someone has a friend whose family will be out of town and they will be alone, they are welcome too. I have a single friend who couldn't get to his parents because of the bad weather, and my sister said "Bring him with you".
In a huge family, it's very difficult to keep things a secret. It's best to invite everyone and then be very gracious as some tell you they have other plans and can't make it.
A get-together is also different than a gathering so that should be outwardly expressed.
If you are going to only invite the parents, then that lends to them choosing between having dinner with you and any other the other million kids that are involved.
In my experience, you can't do either or unless you choose a different day to do it.
That's just how it is in my family. And admittedly we are weird by virtue of how extended we are and still come together.
Best wishes.
We also have a large extended family and handle it the same way as Luna. Everyone is invited, or no one is invited. In our family, different branches of the family take certain holidays every year. I always host Christmas and Easter. My brother hosts Mother's Day. It's divided up throughout the year. Most of the time everyone shows up, and we all have a great time.
Oddly, we all do our own thing for Thanksgiving. I'm not sure why it happens that way, but we all enjoy the calm peace and quiet of our own homes on Thanksgiving; well, some branches of the family choose to travel then. All of the other holidays we spend together. :)
Well it sucks that your MIL totally called your BIL and told him about it after you said you had to talk to your husband. If anything, she should have called your husband and talked to him about it. I'd be irritated about that, and I have to say it's kinda ballsy of the BIL to text you about it too!
But, that being said, I would have just invited everyone in the first place. My BIL and I are usually the only ones who "volunteer" to host. It's ridiculous, but that's a whole other story! Anyway, he asked me today if I'd be willing to do Christmas since they just did Thanksgiving. They usually do Christmas so I'm a little overwhelmed, but again, another post all together! ;) Anyway, I'm also the only one on my side of the family who does most of the hosting so Hubby and I agree that if we're doing Christmas (or any other holiday as it's been in the past) then both sides are invited if it's at our house. I have a normal sized house with nothing fancy but we counted this morning and our starting number is 18 adults and 11 kids....ugh. Anyway, my point is, you just can't exclude families and although it might be difficult, in my opinion, it's just the right thing to do. Ask people to come and help youclean or bring a dish or whatever, don't feel like you have to do it all, just consider including all next time! Good luck, though, family dynamics can be difficult!
ETA...I hear you loud and clear, sister!!! It seems like maybe we could share some stories b/c that is exactly the way it is here. So, after reading that I don't have much advice but I can certainly identify with your anger/frustration!
I don't because of the very thing that happend to you. It's crazy thinking to expect to invite some family and not others. These people are related to each other and think of themselves as a family unit. Just isn't going to happen. Who needs politics on Christmas day?
If space is the case...do what I do; If you don't have a table that can seat every one, shove the table you do have against a wall to open up the room, and set up a buffet, and serve a meal of heavy hors d' ovres, crockpot goodies, or elegant heat n' eats so people can eat without needing a table per se. Get a bunch of folding chairs and use the chairs that come with the table and set them up around the room. Also get TV trays and reserve these for the elderly and let them sit on the couches and chairs in the main sitting room to eat. Anyone young and able can fend for themselves and try to nab a chair or sit on the floor picnic style.
If your table can hold quite a few people you can do a sit down, but put some people at t.v. trays or card tables in other parts of the house. If you're blessed enough to have a heated garage, do like my in-laws and set the party up in the garage. They roll out an indoor-outdoor rug, set up the ping-pong table and cover it with nice linens and put up all the folding chairs, thy hang nice curtains in front of unsightly garage stuff, and they set a buffet up in the kitchen. People put together their plates but eat in the garage.
Deep fried turkey, a ham, a roast or BBQ are all good for a big shin dig, even in the winter.
It gets complicated, doesn't it? I come from a pretty big family, 6 kids and we all have kids now. Plus there are step kids, siblings of in-laws who are visiting from out of town, cousins....
Occasionally, we all get together but the last couple of years we've started splitting up. So this Christmas, I'm going to my sisters house with my kids and parents. Another sister is having my brother's family over. A couple other siblings get together with close friends or their in-laws. It was a little awkward the first year, worrying about someone feeling left out. But it's working, and we find that we can visit better when we are in smaller groups. I think what makes it work is communication... to make it clear that no one is being excluded but that with our family being so big, it's more practical to divide up so no one is overwhelmed.
I had a miserable day on Thanksgiving.
I was invited by a very good friend (friend A)to join in their family get together. We usually meet my FIL and eat pot luck at our old church, which did not have a dinner this year. So, when my friend's (A) husband invited us I told them no thanks, we usually spent the day with my FIL. They live next door to him so they invited him too. My FIL and my friends FIL are both retired Navy and would have some interesting stories for sure to entertain during the day.
I called my FIL and he said no, he did not want to leave his dog unattended all day. When we have attended the thanksgiving pot luck dinner at our old church my FIL would leave her in the car for a maximum of a half hour. The dog is very very old and all he has left of my MIL, so I let him dote on the........dog. She is annoying to say the least.
FIL said for us to go ahead and eat with my friends family. I felt horrible. I knew he would be all alone on a holiday meant for family but he was rather blunt when he said for us to go, he said he was not going to cook and was going to sew and do some other stuff that day. Basically he made other plans.
I also have a friend (B) who is also a friend to the friend (A) who invited my family. This friend (B) is very poor and is handicapped. She (B) does not own a car and cannot walk even half a block. She (B) did not get invited to this other friends family get together. I felt horrible all day thinking about these 2 people who who had no one all day, they didn't have the banquet of a meal, they didn't have any family around to be thankful for, nothing.
Since you are family, and sort of a "daughter" and not just a friend I might have asked too. Just because I know what my day was like thinking of how much I enjoyed these people and the food I got to partake of.
