Figuring Out the Holidays When Your In-Laws Are Divorced?

we tell my parents that they are welcome to come if they get a hotel room. Most of the time they agree- as they are smokers and we dont allow it in the house.

forget all of the tricky negotiations. Forget trying to dance to everybody's individual tunes.

Make it ONE BIG HAPPY.....& embrace your family for what it is: a perfect example of how splintered/divorced families need to learn to focus on the children involved......& not the crabby/over-sensitive adults who are the root cause of the entire mess.

As harsh as this sounds, ....been there, done that. My parents divorced when I was 23/my sis was 21. After a few years of dancing around all of the personalities involved.....my sis & I said "FORGET IT!" We were still a family.....& we told our parents to "suck it up & act like adults.....or don't come". Each holiday was different from that point on. Sometimes everybody would be there.....sometimes not. BUT the whole point was: our children had happy holidays without the drama!

We have been blessed with multiple generations in our family. By doing the ONE BIG HAPPY, we were able to provide a meeting ground for all of the family & it was wonderful!

I have the holidays at my home. My kids can sleep in their own bed at their actual bed time without fuss and I get to see everyone on the holidays without having to gather whatever I am contributing, the kids and their stuff, getting bundled up like the kid on 'A Christmas Story', and only get to stay a couple of hours before the kids get sh*tty because they're tired.....

BUT I have everyone contribute something to the meals. That way I'm not doing everything and neither is anyone else. Like my mom will bring the ham and apple pie, I'll do the turkey, my ex mother in law will bring snacks and cheesy potatoes, my aunt will bring green bean casserole, pumpkin pie, and spinach dip, my mom in law will bring deviled eggs, I'll steam up some veges... And so on. All I usually do is the turkey and have it at my home. Everyone contributes to clean up and then I get the kids in bed and we play games like Euchre or a board game.

I usually have upwards of 30ppl or so at my house every year for both big holidays. My parents are divorced, my ex husband's family is still very much part of my family still, my husband's family is now part of it all, and everyone has a great time.

i was going to suggest what megan suggeted, host it at your place, "all invited" let who ever wants to be there show up..if not their loss

my family goes where ever we feel like going, family is too big to worry about "what they think" infact this year we're spending thanksgiving with an uncle i didn't know i had until just 9 years ago and still havn't had a holiday with him...christmas at home in pj's if they want to come they're welcome if not...o well. i've even thought about going on a family vacation with just my kids and husband....we'll do that eventually

I just posted about how to move all family parties to my house because I was sick of dragging everything to my moms! That being said, here's what we do. On the years that my hubby and I have either one of more of our kids at our ex's house for their year with the kids on the holiday, we simply have our "holiday" on a different date when we are all together. The only holidays this really doesn't work with is Halloween and July 4th. But works for every other holiday. So for example, last year our ex's had the kids for the day of Thanksgiving so we all went out to dinner as a family on the Monday night before. We have also had other holidays as well as birthdays with just the 5 of us. So have everyone over, the kids are young enough that the weekend before they can wake up and Santa could deliver them a special present early! I know it's hard trying to make everyone happy, but really, don't feel obligated, I really learned that this year. Good luck!

Yep, it's a puzzle. I'll tell you how we have ended up working it out for us...

My mom/stepdad and my MIL live 6-8 hours away. My dad lives 2 hours away. We stay at our house for Thanksgiving and invite my dad and any of my siblings who want to come (they are also 6-10 hours away). Sometimes it's just my dad, sometimes others come too, but I can't invite my mom for obvious reasons.

At Christmas we drive and are away for a week. Luckily mom and MIL live less than 2 hours from each other. We spend half the week with my mom and siblings, and the other half week with MIL and my husband's siblings. We usually make the switch Christmas eve or morning. We usually open presents at mom's on the 24th and at MIL's on the 25th.

We've set up our own tradition of Christmas for our own kids at our own house on the Sunday before Christmas. Sometimes my dad comes for that. Other times we wait and see him for New Years.

It has eased the burden to not feel obligated to see everyone at each holiday. And it's been wonderful to stop driving for Thanksgiving and then turn around and drive for Christmas too. We've done it this way for about 5 years now and it's been working just fine. Mom and MIL understand why we don't see them at Thanksgiving even though they wish we could be there.

I'm curious how others do it. Good luck solving your puzzle. :)

Tell them you have not planned anything yet.
And with 2 young children, it is hard for you to 'host' all events.
But that you are trying and will let them know.
Or, make it pot luck, as well.
Most families do that.
And just say, you also have to think about FIL and his step family.... too.
AND that you have YOUR family to think of too... and may go there to your Mom's house....
So you cannot give them an answer yet.

The thing is, IF SIL and MIL will be at your home for Thanksgiving AND Christmas... then I assume they will also be there AT your home on Christmas Eve too???? Because they all live out of State. So are they going to be staying AT your house too??? If so, then you can't really tell them to just leave, when FIL comes over with his Step family.

Will FIL and MIL and SIL be fine with being in the same home at that same time... and with your family?????

Just do NOT agree with having MIL and SIL at your home for the holidays, until you get it organized.

The thing is, this will probably happen EVERY year... with YOU being the person to 'host' these holiday events. They will assume, you will do it every year. ?????

What does your Husband think?
Can you talk to FIL?
Its gonna be real hard... to separate ALL of them.... and you should not have to be stuck in the middle of it, all.

OR just say you are going to YOUR family's home... for the Holidays. Whichever Holiday that is.
I am sure... YOUR family has its own traditions too.... and your Mom will put on a holiday meal too???? So, you have to see what HER plans are too....

all the best,
Susan

I would offer to have them come stay for Thanksgiving, but let them know that the other family members need time as well, so that if they get Thanksgiving you must split Christmas among the others, while also saving some time for yourselves.

If you think this is complicated, I would love to have you at our family get togethers on my dad's side of the family.

I wouldn't host both. I would do one or the other. You could also stagger the attendance. Some can come from 1-3 while the others can come between 4-6. Keep on top of your timing though but the hour in between helps for you to guage the timing of this all.

My family is older so we have been through this for years now. When we get together for major holidays, reunions, weddings, funerals, it is an interesting experience. My grandfather remarried a much younger woman (she was in her 40's while he was in his 80's). Most of his 8 kids with his original wife (my grandmother) freaked out but after they were married for nearly 10 years, the kids gradually accepted her. Meanwhile most of the kids were divorced, some remarried, some even had extramarrital kids or kids prior to getting married and even some kids from the latter marriage and we all get along for the most part. We have too, we are such a large family and the last thing you want to have happen is to be seriously dating a cousin. So we have a group of in-laws and out-laws and every other combination under the sun. It is very interesting to see and experience but not so much of a big deal. Just keep thinking that you are in this for the long haul. As long as everyone can be civil or even more than civil, it should be fine. Besides, it is imporatant for your children to know who they belong too. Don't want them crossing any lines by accident down the line.

The people who would have issue with being around each other are adults. They need to act like it. They have children and grandchildren together.

If you are talking about your MIL & SIL staying with you over the holidays and you have room, go ahead but make it clear that you have other places to visit to. If you are talking about hosting the dinners...invite them all but let them all know whho is invited. I do it all the time...they all come.

P.S. I travel for all the holidays, including Christmas Eve. I stay home w/ my kids Christmas day...all are welcome but must come to us if they want to see us on 12/25!

L.,

They all know the score, I would say Thanksgiving for one, Christmas for the other. Next year reverse order for divorced parents.

I have a large, growing family, the grown, married children with children like to have Christmas morning at their homes so the kids can open and play with their gifts. (It's their personal family time).

The large family gathering is on Christmas Eve and we alternate houses. The host house usually provides the main course and everyone birngs side dishes and drinks (but there is no hard a fast rule to the food assignments). We have adopted the rule of presents for kids only and one Pink Elephant gift brought by each adult. It will take some getting use to by those adults who turn into children during the holidays, but its really fun and so much easier on the budget.

Christmas Day is so who ever came to Christmas Eve has the time to go to the other side of the family's homes. Thanksgiving is alternated between family every other year.

Everyone is entitled to start their own family traditions.

Blessings.....

Tell them you would love to have them either/or and let them choose which holiday they'd like to come.

The way that I would approach it is to go ahead and let the MIL and SIL come. Then host Thanksgiving/Christmas at your house for the MIL/SIL/your family. For Christmas, I would arrange to have Christmas Eve with the FIL and his new family.