Guilt over Not Breastfeeding

Danielle,
You can get the same closeness from bottle feeding. I was unable to breastfeed due to no milk also. I realized that doing what was best for my daughter was what mattered. To this day my daughter (who is 2 1/2) climbs into my lap and asks me to feed her like a baby using her sippy cup. I love it!

Danielle,

I got so upset reading your message that I had to write. I wish that the people who push mother's to breastfeed at every opportunity would read your post and your responders. Many women think that the idea of breastfeeding is wonderful, but can't do it themselves for a whole slew of reasons. You should never feel guilty for giving you son exactly what he needs (for his health) and you need (for your health/sanity).

My daughters were both adopted through the foster care system. The youngest was only 5 mos old and still on formula. I will never forget being forced to sit through a "class" at WIC holding my now daughter and being told (directly to ME) that I needed to be breast feeding her. It made no difference to the "instructor" when I told her that my daughter was in foster care and couldn't be breastfed for both ethical and physical reasons. She had her mantra and was going to force me to either breast feed or feel guilty despite the circumstancees. I already felt like a failure on one level because I couldn't "make" any children myself, and she just added an extra level of insult to injury.

Do not make the mistake of feeling that you are letting your son down by not breastfeeding. Where he is living and the environment in his home (security, love, health) are the key issues, not where he gets his nutrition.

I wish you well. I promise you that your son will not point his finger at you when he is 18 and say, "if you only breast fed me, I would be a better person."

S.

You can't stress over this! You can't beat yourself up.

I am a breastfeeding mother, and quite the breastfeeding proponent, and yet I see your dilemma, your anxiety, and the bottom line is... your child will be FINE. He will be Loved, he will grow, he will be healthy, and thrive. He will be smart, and funny, and he will love his mommy!

At this point, I think, the only disservice you are doing him is not letting yourself truly enjoy your time with him.

It's sounds to me that your children are blessed to have caring parents, I wish you the best of luck!
KATIE

you poor honey! you can check out my question with low milk supply to hear my story but I've been supplementing up to 20 oz a day & I can totally sympathize! when I first started, dh gave bottles since I had just nursed & later when I held him & smelled formula on him I would get so angry at myself & jealous -yes jealous- of the formula. It took time but I told myself over & over that the formula was good & I should be grateful for it. I was slowly able to come to grips with it. now when i give him a bottle, we cuddle in the rocker as though nursing. you were right to do what was best for your son!

Danielle,
I had the same problem and felt the same guilt you did with my firstborn with one difference. I got over it. Sorry that sounded harsh but look at it this way - your son was screaming, crying and uncomfortable (as was my daughter) because he was hungry. How much bonding could you do during all that? Not to mention the stress you felt by not providing enough nourishment to him, then getting more stressed because he was so uncomfortable! I remember that and relived it reading your email!
When I finally gave my daughter a bottle with formula was when we started bonding. Looking into her happy eyes while she ate without being stressed, crying etc. was what it was all about. We bonded so much more that way! She's now almost 4, my son was bottle fed and is now 1 and NEITHER child has allergies or has ever had an ear infection.
So, look at your situation this way...what's better bonding than looking into your childs eyes while he's comfortably eating, at a healthy weight, nourished and fulfilled? Ease up on yourself and know that no matter what way you end up feeding your child, you are providing a healthy life for him.

Wow! You are doing NOW what is best for your son. That's the important part.
As a mom of O. who (listen closely) DID NOT WANT TO breastfeed, it really upsets me when I read of a situation like this. All of those hardcore, soapbox shouting, bf-ing moms should read your post. It's scary and it makes me sick the way moms try to make other moms feel bad about their OWN PERSONAL choice. I'm sure there was a shadow of that in the back of your mind while you were trying so hard to BF. I'm sorry you felt that way.

As a mother who wanted to breastfeed and couldn't (for many reasons) my advice is to just let it go.

I can PROMISE YOU the bond you establish with you child has NEXT TO NOTHING to do with whether you pop a bottle or a boob in their mouth. I have an EXTREMELY close bond with all 3 of my children and the longest I nursed was 8 days.

What is more likely is that because you've convinced yourself the bond isn't as close, it's not. There is also clearly depression going on here that needs to be addressed by a professional ASAP.

You love your child and are giving him the nutrition he needs. THAT is what is most important, not the recepticle it comes from. Let go of the guilt and the stress and just go with it. Love him, cuddle him, snuggle with him while feeding him, etc etc (and I never did the take my clothes off while bottle feeding thing either ... I just wasn't comfortable with that) and the bond will be there.

Love is what bonds you to your child ... NOT a boob or a bottle.

Danielle,
My heart goes out to you as I had the same problem. If my husband had not snuck behind my back to feed our son, I am afraid he would have been in serious danger. I just refused to believe the BF wasn't working. At least you can see that.
I think my main problem was not having enough good nutrition. Shortly after that, I started taking Shaklee vitamins and had a dramatic turnaround in health. I had a serious undiagnosed health problem. If I had not been taking those vitamins I probably would have died.
I doubt that you have any serious problem like that, but I think you could also benefit from these vitamins. They really are very different from others. You can check them out at http://www.shaklee.net/healthforlife
I became distributor because everyone wanted to know what I had done.
I hope this is helpful.
Victoria

I'm a big advocate of breastfeeding. That being said, you really tried and for some reason it wasn't working out. There could be a million reasons (and I always say to check out hypothyroidism-look it up online. I was diagnosed with it a year ago, and I'm certain it was to blame for me not really being able to nurse my son.) The whole "breast fed is best fed" thing doesn't apply, and I know you miss the closeness, and I know it's hard to deal with not being able to do it, but you're doing the right thing! You're making sure your son is getting the nutrition and calories he needs, and you obviously feel like you're missing something, but you're sacrificing for him! That's so WONDERFUL! Formulas these days are very close to breastmilk. They don't have ALL of the immunity benefits, but they are really wonderful. We had to give formula to my son, and we did occasionally supplement with my daughter. They're both fine, they still get sick from kids at church, and probably from us some, but they're both very intelligent and healthy and most importantly happy. I know it's hard to give up on something you wanted to do, expecially when you love the closeness, but it sounds like you made the right choice, and when you're doing the right thing, there's no reason to feel guilty. Give yourself a break, realize it's okay to be sad and miss it, but don't feel guilty for doing what's best for your child!

This is SO not worth stressing over. It's fine to miss breastfeeding, and I know you do, but there's nothing magical about breast milk that helps with bonding. Bonding is the love you feel for your son, period, end of story. PPD can have the effect of drying up breast milk; it causes a rise in cortisol (the "stress" hormone) which interferes with the production of prolactin and other hormones which make it possible for the body to produce milk. You had an illness which prevented you from breastfeeding--exactly as if you'd been in a coma or had a contagious disease or had to have a radical mastectomy. Quit beating yourself up and enjoy your baby.

You did a great job, you tried all that you could, you should not at all feel depressed or disappointed in not being able to BF. Things happen! You did great, and realizing it wasn't working and finally getting formula, adn now he is fat and happy not crying like before...that was the best thing you did...putting his needs before your guilt. I mean this in the kindest way, I hope I am not coming out wrong.
So don't beat yourself up....you could have skin to skin time until he is too old to want to stay that way. There are other ways to bond.
Good for you for trying soooo hard and so much!
Good luck and God Bless!

I just wanted to tell you that I completely understand what you are feeling. I tried to breastfeed my son but he refused. He had jaundice when he was 3 days old and we had to put him on formula to make sure he was eating enough (and thus passing enough). He was already resistant to BFing but once he had the bottle it was all over. I pumped and gave him both breast milk and formula for a month. But then I was so exhausted from having to both feed him and pump for 20+ minutes that I stopped pumping. It was horrible. I cried when I returned the breast pump (rental). I felt SO guilty. But in the end I realized that a non-stressed out Mommy and happy, healthy baby were more important. My son is 16 months old and, so far, is healthy and perfect. You have to let go and know that you did all that you could. Forgive yourself; it's not your fault.

My guess is that you're not bonding as much with your baby because you are having the feelings that you are having. I breasfed and formula fed my babies and I know from experience that you can look into your baby's eyes just as easily while you're bottle feeding. Try not to beat yourself up about this...you ARE doing what's best for your baby.

Good luck!

This is such a hard and personal thing, and I think it's great that you're reaching out. I haven't had your experience, but I know that the Atlantic had an article last spring about breastfeeding that might make you feel better, might give you the intellectual support you need to move on from here, so I thought I'd share it with you:

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200904/case-against-breast...

And I certainly agree that your relationship with your child does not hinge on how you feed him. Your relationship with your child hinges on your ability to pull him close and show him the love and the mommy attention that he craves and deserves.

Good luck!

Easier said than done, but you just have to let it go.

When I was pregnant with my twins (and my first pregnancy), I was determined to breastfeed. I too am a woman who believes in choice, but I planned on breastfeeding nonetheless. I met with a lactation consultant at the hospital and while one of the boys didn't latch as well, they both did and fed but then also followed up with a bottle and ate the whole thing. I pumped every couple hours and got about the same as you. I consulted my OB-I asked him how was it that every now and then you hear a story about an adoptive mother who breastfed her new baby? He said there were prescriptions that help induce lactation - so I went on that as well. And still.....nothing.

I admit, I wasn't as upset as you sound, but I was disappointed. What little breastfeeding I did touched me on a very deep maternal level, but in the end it was just evident that it just wasn't going to work and I could either be upset about it (I do believe we all need a mini-mourning period for something like that however) or get over it and let the hubby enjoy feeding his boys as well.

My husband thoroughly enjoyed being able to feed the boys and told me later that when I was breastfeeding, he felt a little left out. So in the end, the boys are 7 and healthy and both my hubby and myself have a great relationship with each. We bonded even without a boob as mediator!!

I know it's a bit sad, but the best you can do is keep it in perspective and realize that there is so much more going on and just being close while you feed and change diapers and snuggle will take care of any scare of not bonding.

Good luck
J.

I think we all spend too much time trying to do what people tell us is the right way to feed our babies, and forget that millions of us grown folks were fed formula, and we all turned out just fine and we love our Mommas! Sometimes our bodies just won't cooperate with us, so don't beat yourself up and focus on the two words that mean the most, your son is "fat and happy". You still feed him, your face is the one he sees and your smell is what he smells when you feed him. Don't worry, you'll bond just fine and he won't remember how you fed him, he'll just know that you are Mommy and the most important person in his world and he loves you!!

Have you continued to try and pump? If you have, and your milk finally comes in, perhaps you could donate it to a milk bank that would help other moms?

breastfeeding is best only when....erm....it WORKS. fortunately we live in a time and country where not being able to doesn't mean baby starves. you're not slighting your baby by FEEDING him. i do hope you figure out how to move past this, i know it's easier said than done. the thing is, you do have choices about how your baby is fed. you don't have a choice about getting back this precious time that's being lost to angst over a situation you can't fix. when you're giving him his bottle, don't think about how awful it is that you're not nursing, think about how amazing it is that you have him, you're holding him, you're gazing into his eyes, you are his entire world, and how lucky you both are.
good luck.
khairete
S.

now that he's thriving and growing, why don't you try putting him to breast before you give him the bottle -- him pulling on it might start the juices flowing again. i have read that even adoptive mothers can breastfeed - they set up a small tube that flows to the babe's mouth while he's sucking on the breast and it gets the milk going again. kellymom.com has some stuff on it's website about 'relactation' :http://www.kellymom.com/bf/adopt/index.html

Danielle,
You tried and you had already successfully nursed one child, so you know it wasn't because you didn't know how or gave up too quickly. Beating yourself up about this is not good for you or your baby. You can still feel close to him by bottle feeding him in the same way if you were nursing him. Specifically, hold him close when you are feeding him, alternate the side you hold him near. This also gives Dad a chance to bond by giving baby a bottle occasionally. Give thanks that your baby is happy and healthy and feel good about the fact that he is this way because he has a loving successful mom.
My first son didn't even like breastfeeding and as soon as he could eat food, he wanted no parts of nursing or bottles. it was hard to get breastmilk or formula in him by the age of 9 months old. I mixed it with cereal to get the nutrition into him. His almost 15 yrs old now and he still loves food and only drinks water - no milk, juice or soda. He's very healthy - and still loves cereal!

from a mom of 4

Aw, don't beat yourself up. Benefits from breastfeeding are not just about the milk--you can get still give him a lot of the touch benefits through babywearing (try moby wrap and as he gets bigger, ergo carrier), baby massage (try shiva rea's postpartum yoga dvd--baby massage demo there), taking a bath with your son in the tub for skin to skin contact, feeding him lovingly, and just talking to him and making eye contact.

Enjoy your boys!

Danielle, you did the best you could. I was in the same position -- I simply could not produce more than a trickle of milk, despite pumping, herbs, and even a prescription medication that increases milk flow SOME but can't be taken for more than about two weeks at a time. Danielle, for weeks I even taped tiny tubes to my nipples, hung a special bottle full of formula around my neck and attached it to the bottles, so my baby could "breastfeed" even though what she was sucking was formula. But after a certain point I would have been denying my child essential nutrition had I tried to stick to breast milk only. You would have injured your child had you not given him formula, plain and simple.

You made a huge effort. You cannot, cannot, cannot blame yourself. In fact, you can be proud of the effort - you didn't give up because it hurt a little, or because you weren't willing to get lactation advice, or because you were inconvenienced. (And please, don't start to blame yourself for potentially poor nutrition as another poster seemed to indicate!)

It is a big concern to me that you say you feel you are not bonding with your second child as well because you did not breastfeed. Breastfeeding is not some kind of mandatory ingredient for the mother-child bond, wonderful as it is. If you see the lack of breastfeeding as some kind of barrier between you and the baby, you should talk to a counselor about why that is and how you can get past it, for your own sake and his. You use the terms "guilty and depressed" which are red flags - you could have postpartum depression that is manifesting itself as "I feel bad about not breastfeeding" when there are larger depression issues happening and triggers that have nothing to do with breastfeeding itself. Postpartum depression can mean feelings that you and the baby aren't bonded, which is just what you're describing. Please don't try to handle these feelings on your own. Call your doctor tomorrow for a referral for help and see someone this week-- don't put it off.

Finally -- have you talked to your husband about this in exactly the terms you have used here? Let him read your posting and then talk to him and ask him to help you help yourself; he needs to be on board, to support you and to watch the kids while you get help and a break. If you feel you're not bonding with the baby, that affects your husband too, and he needs to understand this is more to you than just a wistful "I miss breastfeeding" emotion. Take care of yourself, don't let anyone make you feel guilty, and get help from someone professional. Mamasource advice is great, but cannot replace a trained listener's help.

I tried breastfeeding both of my kids and was not successful with either one! The first time I felt so horrible because I thought I was depriving her of the best and was afraid that we would not bond because I was bottle feeding. What I learned was that there are MANY ways to bond with your baby. All the time you spend holding him, talking to him, snuggling with him and even holding him while feeding him a bottle CAN be times of bonding. I learned to love the fact that I could look right into my daughter's face when I fed her a bottle and that really helped us connect. Once my daughter got older and I realized that I had a wonderful relationship with her and that we really had bonded, I realized that I didn't HAVE to breastfeed to bond with her.

When I had my second child (my son) I tried again to BF, but was not successful again. Only this time I was able to give up after trying for a couple of weeks without feeling so horrible about it. I was disappointed because I know BFing is best, but I knew that bottle feeding wasn't going to ruin my son or my relationship with him.

Hang in there. Having a new baby in the house, whether it's your first or your fifth or more, is very stressful. You've been through a lot, but if you give it some time, you're going to find that you will bond with your son just fine and, I'm willing to bet, you'll have a great connection with him too!!

B.

Hi Danielle- I know how you are feeling. I tried to breast feed both of my kids and it just didn't work out and I felt so terrible about it. When I felt really guilty, I would remember what one of the great nurses said to me, "If you don't breast feed, it doesn't mean that your baby won't grow up to be an einstein. He will be just as smart and content as a breast fed baby." There are other ways to be close to your baby, cuddle him when you bottle feed him and be easy on yourself. You are going to be a great mom regardless.

I can definitely understand where you're coming from. I haven't experienced it myself, but I feel the same way about bfing that you do. I think I would likely feel just as bad about it as you are. I think the way you're feeling is very natural and normal. That being said, try not to beat yourself up about it too much. You certainly did your best and worked your hardest at it and your body just wasn't cooperating. It's not your fault. These things sometimes happen. Just keep telling yourself that you did everything humanly possible to try to make it work and the most important thing is for your son to be healthy. If he needs formula for that, then that is what has to be done. Your bond with him won't suffer because of it. Especially if you continue to cradle him, make eye contact and let him hear your comforting voice during feedings. What creates the bond is loving care and I'm sure you're not stinting on that. Focus of what you CAN do for him and stop yearning for what you weren't able to do this time. He knows you love him.

Best wishes with your new little one.

In your case giving him formula was so much better than trying to breastfeed him. You totally made the right choice. I totally understand the closeness you feel when breastfeeding and I missed that too when I stopped breastfeeding my son but you have to admit that feeling those fat little cheeks and thighs is just so amazing:-) He's healthy and that's what counts. You gave him the best whether it comes from a bottle or your breast. And if there is just even one thing to stop stressing about, that's a good thing. There will be tons of other things to start stressing over:-) Good luck.

Hi Danielle... I am so sorry things didnt work out with your second! But I understand the feeling completely! I wanted with both of my lil boys to have completly "natural" births and NO formula! Well my first son was born 9.5lbs and I tried breast feeding him in the hospital and my milk was not coming out but I kept at it and refused the formula. We were released 2 days later and had his 1st check up the day after that, his dr. had his blood tested that day and called me and sent us back to the hospital b/c of severe jaundice. He said that because my milk hadnt come in yet Caleb didnt have anything to get his body going and his liver was showing me. So while in the hospital the 2nd time around he was getting IV fluids but I still refused to use formula for the first day, the second day I gave him a little bit with a syringe and he was a different child, he pooped for the 2nd time (on day 5!) and he was just so much more calm so gradually I stopped pumping and by the time he was 3 weeks old he was totally on formula. My 2nd child has most the same begining... I refused formula for him but his jaundice was getting bad before he even left the hospital from being born and ended up on formula the same way.... it was pretty tuff for me not to be able to "provide" for my children but I feel great that we live in a time that science has made something close to help us. We are planning to try for a 3rd child soon and I am set that that child will get NO formula but if the baby is sick and needs something different than so be it! :-)

Dear Danielle,
My heart goes out to you, I know how you feel. I was unable to produce a lot of milk with both of my babies, and I had to supplement with formula. My oldest son lost so much weight the first week, because he was so hungary, and I thought I was feeding him. We had to give him formula in the hospital before we even left to come home! He put the weight back on, and I continued to nurse, and do formula. After I would nurse, I would pump trying to produce more. I did this for about 16 months. Formula was his main diet, and I was the supplement. I drank about a gallon of water, took Fenugreek, tried everything to produce milk, but couldn't. The same thing happened with my 2nd son. I started pumping in the hospital trying to get the milk to start flowing, and it did in small quantites. I gave him formula on the first day, and supplemented with breastmilk. I did this for about 24 months.
I became the pacifier, the comfort. I would feed them a bottle, so I knew how much they were eating, then tried to breastfeed for more milk, and for comfort. After I nursed, I would pump for about 20 min on each side trying to keep the milk flowing.
I don't know why we don't produce a lot of milk, and some mothers can produce a lot. The bonding can still be there with just bottle feeding. You have good intentions, and tried to breast feed, and that is what counts.
I know this is bad, and a complete mommy no-no, and can be dangerous, but I had both of my son's in the bed with me, just for that extra bonding and comfort. I had the hardest time getting them out, and they both finally did, but that extra time together and holding them really comforted us both.
So, you are not alone. And please, if you ever need anything, this is a wonderful network of mommies that are so supportive!
Best,
J.