Half/equal Parenting Responsibilities

Updated on August 30, 2011
E.H. asks from Minneapolis, MN
5 answers

Is there anyone else out there who does not believe in half/equal parenting responsibilities?? I am a 23 year old single mum to a now 10 month old baby girl. I broke up with my ex due to domestic violence and it seems so unfair to find out now that he can get our little girl for half of the time.. He is going for half/equal, mind you that before I got served with these courts papers, I had not heard from him in over 3 months. He wants her four days on and four days off as he works in the mines! I have been told by a solicitor that he will not get awarded this straight away but it can work up to that! May I ad that if this were to happen that my child support would get cut as its equal, I would not get as much assistance from the government and how the hell am I supposed to find a job that will allow me to work four days on and four days off! Now I have qualifications and prior to becoming pregnant I worked in Real Estate for four years but this line of work will not allow this. Not to mention the fact that I personally do not think this would be a stable enough environment for my little girl. She is in a routine and is going through a mummy’s stage and wont go to anyone she does not know, she will not even stay at her nanna’s house for the night. To get her to sleep anywhere else but her cot is impossible! I have tried rocking her to sleep for long periods of time being at someone else’s house and she will be asleep, I put her down, she wakes looks around and notices that it’s not her usual place of sleep and cry’s, I have tried letting her cry for sometime but this too does not work. At home all I have to do is place her in her cot and she will go straight off to sleep, she has been very good with sleeping like that from when she was a new born, thank goodness! But to get her to sleep anywhere else but home in her cot is not nice! Two different parents, two different environments, how is this supposed to work? We are obviously unable to agree on things so how are we supposed to come together and work on rules and boundaries if its equal we are only going to continue to disagree and fight over our daughter and I do not think this is healthy for not only our daughter but both of us as well. The thought of not having my baby girl for four days kills me! I find myself missing her and wanting to wake her if she has had an extra long sleep during the day, don’t get me wrong I love it when she does go down so I can get house work done and relax a little but if she stays asleep for what she normally does I find myself missing her and wanting to wake her up for cuddles! I have spent every day and night with her since she was born and the thought of only having her in my life half the time kills me! I became a mum to become a mum, not a part time parent and I strongly believe the children should be with the mum the majority of the time, I’m all for the advocating for children to have a relationship with their dad and for them to spend time with the kids but half/equal I do not agree. I am so scared as well, his mother is very involved and I think it’s her that is the one pushing him to go for half/equal, and I’m scared that they will get in first for everything, for example: giving her first hair cut, starting her on toilet training and stealing all the what normally would be the mother’s thing to do to simply get at me. If you think about it, animals: the young stay with the mum and the dad goes out to hunt, or the mum stays home with the kids and the man goes out to provide an income, this may be old fashioned but I believe in this and don’t agree for so many reasons in this half/equal non-sense! Please can people offer their advice on how to get through this difficult time/ opinions/ and stories. I am not coping with the fact that he could end up getting half/equal and right now I’m going through the whole it seems so unfair, as I did leave the relationship due to domestic violence and now I could lose my daughter half the time, it seems the male now gets everything, he gets to work four days getting a generous income then gets to still have his daughter on his four days off while mum is left struggling to feed herself, pay bills and support the child on her four days, and not being able to find a job as it will be worked around his work roster! If I had of known what I know now I would of stayed with the guy at least then I would of been able to be with my daughter 100% of the time!
I live in Australia so laws here may differ.. You would also think that domestic violence would help my case but considering there has been no incidences since our daughters arrival or towards her then yes... I have also been told about a professional coming in and watching him with our daughter to see if he poses and physical or emotional threat to our daughter... I am doing this, but to me, anyone can put an act on for half a day and my ex being one of them, he had me fooled for a little while until his aggressiveness and anger started to come out??

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L.M.

answers from Dover on

I agree w/ equal parenting but I do not agree with equal physical custody. Let me explain...I believe that both parents should be equally involved with raising their children, parenting, attending events/activities, and sharing all the responsibilities but if the parents aren't together I don't think that means equal physical custody. I believe that in an effort to be fair to both parents, courts have started awarding equal custody orders so each parent gets equal time and no one has to pay child support. In theory, it sounds great because neither parent gets more time and neither feels they are paying the other's bills but realistically it is short changing the child/children. The child is never settled and their environment never stable. The child gets shortchanged and forced to do what is best for mom and dad rather than what is best for them (and many times the parents don't like the arrangement either).

You can have shared legal custody with one parent having placement...that allows equal say but the child has a home. The parents have to learn to step up and co-parent for what is best for their children. In my opinion, that means that if mom has placement and dad has visitation, dad can still attend school functions or sporting events even when it isn't "his day" and mom can do the same even when it's "dad's day". The visitation schedule just dictates who has the child at a particular time and is the responsible party. It does not mean they can not swap or work together and it doesn't mean they have to be cut off from their child at that time.

I have seen kids get bounced around every other day, every third or fourth day, one week at a time, one week at a time w/ one day with the opposite parent each week, and/or any combination of this. The kids suffer and the juggling act is difficult.

I would think the domestic violence would definately weigh in your favor but I am in DE so your laws may be different. My advise is always make everything about doing what is best for your child (not what is easier for you or him) and be realistic. Ask for more than you want so you can compromise without losing too much ground. Also, think ahead and plan....she's an infant now but what happens when school starts (are you in the same district? if not, who decides what school she attends? How will you handle extra curriculars etc? Religion...is it important to either of you? If so, are you on the same page about the religion she is raised in? If it is settled now, you will likely have a much easier time.

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R.H.

answers from Boston on

I have no idea if this would work, but... what if you agreed to receive no further child support payments from him? What if you cut all ties financially and relied upon government support until you can find a part-time job and some part-time help with childcare? It is there to be used as a safety net until people get back on their feet. I wonder if cutting financial ties would lessen his interest in battling for custody. Just a thought. I am floored that a known abuser can gain custody of a child, even for one day a week. It doesn't make sense to me. That sort of encourages mothers to stay in abusive relationships, doesn't it? Wow. I'm really sorry you have to go through this.

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L.

answers from Minneapolis on

It doesn't make sense to me for the courts to allow a baby to be alone that much with a person who is so out of control and immature as to use violence on a woman he is supposed to love. But that is what the courts do. Often times I think the fathers only intentions for being with their children is to hurt the mother. Not always, of course. Hoping for the best for you and your daughter!

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T.N.

answers from Albany on

Hi E., I really like Shane's answer. I have something to add.

Based only on what you say here, and previous posts, I suspect his motivation for wanting 50/50 custody is not to be a good parent to his daughter, or even to save himself some money. Rather to continue his control over your emotions. Clearly, it's working.

I also suspect once he realizes how much work it will be to actually have physical custody, and if he sees that he is no longer controlling you, he will lose interest. Or until he has another girl to control, whichever comes first.

Sending you strength to remember what's best (or least worse) for your daughter, to no longer allow yourself to be a victim of his control. And hoping the courts will see through the ploy as well.

(Although frankly, I would like to cut his balls off, sorry)

:(

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L.S.

answers from Lincoln on

I'm sure your ex has issues, but don't we all in some way or other?. I have to say that it is your daughter's right to know her father and to be able to spend time with him. You're going to have to get a job...why don't you start looking? And you're going to miss out on some things with your daugter...but such is life. You're going to have to get over the "Life's not fair" attitude.

Routine for your daughter is great and all, but I think it is great when kids are more adaptive and can handle life's little curves.

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