Have You Ever..... - Las Vegas,NV

No, I can honestly say I have never done that...

Sending him to his room till he calms down or you do, seems a better choice.

Ok, I don't get it. Is it a sensory thing? Like he needs to feel water to calm down? Or is it punishment? Was the water cold or warm? I think if I put my son in the shower with his clothes on he would totally freak out. Can you explain the rationale? Sorry....really don't understand...

I have never tried that, but it sounds like a brilliant solution. May steal the idea from you. Ok, my kids LOVE showers so it wouldn't be a punishment, per se. Just a redirection from meltdown to fun. They'd eventually remove their clothes to enjoy the warm water.
=)

nope.
but i don't think it's an awful thing to do. in fact, it's pretty creative!
for acting out, it was time out. for hysterics (which was vanishingly rare), i'd be more likely to bear hug.
but i do remember a time when one of 'em was in the backpack on a hike having a meltdown and my ol' man dumped some water on his head! probably not one of our finer parenting moments, but it did shock the shrieker into silence!
:) khairete
S.

I have done that once or twice when DD was younger and refused to undress for her bath. In my case it was not a punishment (it was her regular warm bathwater)... it "shocked" her right out of her tantrum, we had a good laugh about being in the tub with clothes on ("how silly!") and it defused the entire tantrum dynamic. Not that I'd use it as a measure of discipline, but sometimes doing something utterly unexpected works wonders to defuse a situation that is spiraling out of control.

I try to be infront of the meltdown.... catch it BEFORE it gets so bad I would need to physically put my child somewhere against their will.

By 6 your son REALLY needs to learn how to self-soothe.

I have worked through self-soothing options with my daughter since she was 2 or 3... wow, you look upset. I know it's frustrating to not get what you want. But when you are angry you take deep breaths and then use your words.

when she got older it was do jumping jacks, or go into the other room and be alone to "sort it out".

By the time she was 5 or 6 she had the hang of it herself. but it was 3 or 4 years of constant, continual work and involvement on my part.

So, she's never gotten so upset that I needed to "jolt" her back to reality. Because we are able to catch it before it gets to that stage.

I might recommend Tae Kwon Do for your son. It's a discipline that is build on respect and character. it might help him learn to control his emotions.

I also might recommend swimming. like on a team. Because it burns more calories than almost any other sport. So, he will be tired. And won't have time to get himself so worked up.

Gulp.
I've never had a situation where my child was so out of control that I would even consider doing such a thing. Ever. Either of them. They are 14 and 11 years old. It would have never even occurred to me...
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Isn't he entitled to close off from you for a little while if he wants to? Why is he required to tell you his deepest darkest thoughts just because you want to hear them? I don't get that. I mean, I understand you wanting to hear them, but not why you feel you MUST or are entitled to. He's his own person. If he doesn't want to talk with you, he shouldn't have to. If you've recently divorced, it may be anger about that that he isn't comfortable expressing to you. Does he have a neutral third party he can talk to? That is what I would look for, for him. Someone who won't judge or try to change his thoughts/feelings if he is angry with you or with his dad over the divorce stuff. They are very real and valid feelings and he likely doesn't feel like he can discuss those with you.

I think you did exactly right. Tell him that either he will listen to his mother, answer his mother's questions, or he will have an unpleasant consequence. It obviously works for you, and it is NOT inappropriate.

If my son wouldn't calm down, I put him in his room and didn't let him out until he had, but if I had thought of what you are talking about, I might have done it.

Dawn

After your SWH. When he shuts down try telling him that it's OK to not talk now and to let you know when he's ready. When you keep pushing, I suggest that he builds higher and higher walls.

I also find that it helps to treat this behavior as you'd treat a tantrum. Walk out of the room, saying "I'll come back when you've calmed down." When we try to stop the anger a person usually becomes more angry. Talk about how to handle the anger when he's calm and able to hear you. When he's screaming he's not able to process what you're saying and he becomes more intense to show you how angry he is.

Sometimes it works best to just quietly wait until the child is thru screaming.

Think of yourself when you're upset/angry. What works for you? Does someone insisting that you talk about it help you? Or does it work best for them to be there for you, empathetic, while waiting for you to calm down?

With my grandchildren, ages 9 and 12, when they're upset I ask them if they want me to stay or go. The 9 yo always tells me to go. In 5-15 minutes he always comes out to me and says he's sorry and we have a short loving talk. The 12 yo nearly always tells me to go but sometimes she says, "stay." We talk about what happened, many hours later, if at all. This is OK with me as long as she becomes co-operative.

No I haven't.

What's the downside to letting him shut down and not talk to you? Maybe he just needs to be alone with his thoughts and decompress without talking?

My 15 year old son said something the other day that was pretty eye-opening. We were in the car and he was setting up the new phone that he got for his birthday. There was something silly not working - it's an iPhone and Siri wasn't giving him the answer he wanted to a totally inconsequential question and he was getting annoyed but in a playful way, was laughing etc. Then suddenly unbuckled and took off his sweater and said "I hate that I have to take off a layer every time I get annoyed." I asked why he does that and he said that he gets really hot really fast when something bothers him. I found that startling. I can probably count on both hands the number of times in my life when I've been so upset about something that I literally got hot under the collar and needed to literally cool down. This happens to my son ALL THE TIME. He has a visceral response to even mild irritation.

Anyway...my point in sharing that story is that every now and again, even after 15 years of parenting, I am struck by the stunning reality that my child is not me. He doesn't think like me, or feel like me, or react like me. I will NEVER be in his head or in his body. I will never really know what it's like to be in his skin for a day. I know that we all know this, but it's easy to forget. So I raise this to ask...do you know what he needs when he's melting down? Is he able to communicate that to you in a calm moment? Are the techniques that you are trying things that meet his needs or not?

I would suggest that the "telling you what's bothering him" expectation is unrealistic and counter productive in the midst of a meltdown. In a meltdown he has already lost control of his thoughts, feelings and actions. Asking him to identify those and articulate them is too much. Ask him, in a calm moment, what he feels when he does lose control. Does he feel hot? Does he feel tension or pain? Does he feel like his body is going to explode? Does he want to run, or hit something? Does his jaw clench, does his breathing get faster? Focus on what he is literally feeling in the moment when he starts to act up and find a way to channel that energy in a safe and positive way. Worry about why he was upset later. Diffuse the energy first. Talking and writing are not ways that many 6 year old boys will calm themselves. Physical ways to decompress (punch something, kick something, run around, shower, bathe, being hugged tightly, jumping on a mini-trampoline, doing some yoga, etc.) sound like they may be more effective for him.

These examples are on a smaller scale than what you're dealing with but when one of my boys was smaller and ramping up, I'd put him in time out down the hall and he would stand on his head. Standing on his head helped him calm down and snap out of the nasty mood pretty quickly. I have a little boy (age 6) in my Sunday school class who is a high-energy, charismatic, ants-in-his-pants kind of kid. Normally I can minimize his disruption level with gentle reminders and redirection but he was really off the wall this week. I took him into the hallway and asked him what was going on today, asked him how he felt. He said "I feel like I have a lot of energy and want to be really silly today. I think I had too much sugar at breakfast." So I asked if he wanted to take a lap around the gym and he looked at me like I was crazy but then said sure and off he went. He came back and said "that felt good!" and then was able to sit down and control himself the rest of class. My point is that in my experience with boys, they can tell you how they physically feel in the moment but asking them why they're upset just aggravates them. Let him shut down when he needs to.

I don't have a suggestion but I wondered if he has ever seen an OT (occupational therapist)? Is it possible he has some sensory issues? An OT might be able to give you some ideas too.

I'm also not a fan of making boys talk when they're upset. My two sons have told me that talking about something makes them more stressed sometimes, rather than less (which is different from girls). They do better if I let them talk when they're ready - and then it comes pouring out.

Just a thought . . .

No, I haven't.

I'd send them to bed without a shower. The natural consequence would then be they might still be dirty the next day, and want to shower that night and cooperate.

Ya know, we parents sometime resort to some pretty odd things when we get to the end of our ropes.

I wouldn't do it, but I don't think that what you did was abusive. You said you took the clothes off after about a minute--it is not like you made him sit around in wet clothes for an extended period of time. I am sure that you didn't have the water too cold or too hot, either.

So, an unorthodox approach to stopping a meltdown that seems to have worked for you.

When my kids have meltdowns (and I can't get them to stop) I put them in a safe place (like their bedroom, or for my youngest, his crib) and let them get it out of their system there. I've also been known to load all the kids into the car and drive around for a while to help calm them.

Well, I definitely don't do that.

Really, there isn't ONE other thing you can think of then that...umm..."parenting" choice? Come on! Your child will only learn to resent you. I really don't think throwing him clothed in the shower, will get him to not close him self off. In fact, I think he will continue to even more.

Just end him to bed dirty and he has to deal with that the next day. Leave him in his room with no privileges until he calms down. THEN talk to him. You can't talk to a child until they are calm. Talk to him the next day, later on, whatever. Let him calm down, send him outside to run off energy, then talk to him.Trying to do so when they are upset is not going to work. Ever. I think you could stand to get a little more creative, and a lot less...this. I think resorting to that makes you look childish. I think it shows your lack of discipline. Just my opinion. Sorry.

Sounds like you were the one out of control. I would not ever do that. I guess I am not getting why you would do that, why are you making him talk when he does not want to. Is he not allowed to get mad or express he is mad without you MAKING him talk. Its ok to just shut down someitimes, I do.

mine is 6 too, and adhd/high energy - crazy sometimes. i've never had to do this. we have always focused on, if an adult asks you a question, you acknowledge it. even if it is to say "i can't talk about it right now". something. he has a good history of telling me when something is upsetting him, when he's ready. but we have not had too many of these meltdowns like you describe - i can count on one hand and it's been several years. (and then, i resorted to sitting on the floor with him, holding him in my arms until he calmed down - but he was a LOT smaller then! not sure i could do it now...) we have also done deep breathing exercises which help some. i feel like there are holes in this story. is this "normal" behavior for him? is he on the spectrum or have some kind of other issue? i don't know.

Is your son in therapy? I remember last year all the troubles you were having in your marriage. Your son is most likely still struggling with the end of the marriage.

Some times, when they don't want to talk, it is best to let them not talk.

My son has always mulled things over and let them roll around in his head until he spouts off what he was thinking about. It may be a few minutes, it may be a few days. I learned that when I pushed him to talk about his feelings, when he was not ready to, that he shut down. Your son may also not have the words, literally, not have the verbal skills, to explain what he is feeling. So pushing him to explain would just frustrate him more.

Acting up (or out) is a different matter. Clear consequences for inappropriate behaviors need to be in place. Be consistent and follow through *every* time. It doesn't matter if he is mad at the world - certain behaviors are just not acceptable.

Also, watch for patterns. Are there certain things that trigger his meltdowns? Patterns to escalation? These are things, once identified, that you can help steer him away from before the melt down occurs. Thus, avoiding the meltdown.

Therapy really may help.

And for the record, the only time I have put my child in the shower with his clothing on was when we were playing around and he dared me to do it. Yup, he only dared me the one time :)

I had roommate that did this to her two girls. She did it to scare her children and would force them to stand in a freezing cold shower for several minutes. If you are not doing that or something therein close to it then I would say that if it works for you it works.

It is not something I would do but only because I would never want my children to associate negativity and fear with an activity they must do, shower.

No. Nothing would make my child flip out even more than the indignation of being thrown in cold water fully clothed.

I'm with Adensmamma on this one, but also with Suz. I have seen it done effectively on my brother, but a friend with a child on the autism spectum came to mind too.
His son is a kind, loving, intelligent boy, but sometimes he gets the same way. The difference is that he will talk about it, scream about it, yell, throw things and generally "go off" about whatever is bothering him. I don't think that the shower would work for him though.
I guess you have to ask how often this is happening and over what kinds of things is it happening.
At his age I would tell him, "I can tell that you are angry (or upset or whatever), and I care about you and want to help. When you are ready to talk about it, please come to me and i will help any way I can." If he is unable to calm himself down at that point and seems to have lost control over himself I would talk to the pediatrition about it. It could be that he is just struggling with his emotions, but you need to be sure it isn't anything that needs further attention.

Heck no! If I ever did this my kids would freak out. I don't think there is any benefit to putting a child in the shower with their clothes on. Sounds like punishment to me. We aren't into punishing our kids----just teaching and looking for teachable moments. I really don't see your thinking here~

When my kids are upset, I speak calmly and my body is calm as well. I help them calm down by asking them what they need, validating their feelings and helping them gain control of their body/mind etc.

I cured all my kids of their tantrums long before 6. They threw tantrums when they were told to do something they didn't want to do.

The favorite on in our home was screaming while they were jumping up and down. I solved that problem by waiting until they quieted down on their own, then I would tell them they weren't through jumping up and down or screaming yet . Then I made them jump up and down and/or scream until they begged me to let them stop. I would tell them they could stop for now, but I would have them jump up and down more if they threw another tantrum.

The next time they threw a tantrum, they had to do it all over again. I would get a chair and a book and pretend to read as they were jumping up and down. When they got tired, I would tell them they hadn't jumped up and down enough yet and went back to "reading". The next time they started a tantrum, I would ask them if I needed to get a chair or book. They would almost always stop and gain control of themselves and we could go on with life.

This worked with all 8 of my kids. But the youngest didn't throw tantrums near as much as the older ones because their older siblings would warn them not to do that around dad.

Good luck to you and yours.

Not sure if your child has specific sensory needs - my son is very active and when he gets "out of control" - i.e. has a hard time calming down - I can usually help by giving him deep pressure input - I will say "I think you need a hug" and while giving him a big bear hug I will give deep pressure to his torso, etc. Holding him and doing this for a few minutes usually helps. I have also resulted to putting him alone in his bedroom - sometimes time away from people, toys, etc. is what they need to destimulate themselves into a calmer pattern.

NO but hey sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. my kids didn't have meltdowns like that although still some which i consider historic, and at those times i have put them in their room, closed the door and took a few minutes to calm down.

Nope, never. Honestly, we've never had issues with tantrums or out-of-control behavior.

OMG~ Really??You do this as a form of punishment for his behavior

What about a physical outlet, like the park, at that age? Or drumming? Or running around, dancing wildly with loud music? I think the shower sounds like punishment. I would try to find some other physical way to act out. That sounds intentionally shocking. I hope it is warm at least?

Original question:

Have you ever.....

Have you ever put your child in the shower with all of their clothes on to get them to calm down? I can honestly say that I have done that to my son more than once. Today was one of those days where he was acting out/up so bad that he wouldn't tell me what was going on or what was bothering him. Normally if I turn on the shower he'll get ready to take one, mad and all, but today he refused to do so. So I put him with all of his clothes on, he's 6, and after about a minute or so I did take them all off and he eventually took a shower. I did try to send him to his room and that didn't work. I did try to get him to sit in a chair to calm down and that didn't work. I tried to talk to him and that didn't work. Eventually he did calm down, after he took a shower, and told me what was bothering him.
So what do you do to try to calm your child down if everything else you tried didn't work?

I have not read the responses...but heck no! I would never do that. Even when my daughter needed a cool bath to stop her seizures, we still got her undressed first. I can't imagine doing that. Sorry.

Yep, my husband & I have both put our child in a WARM shower, clothes & all because her melt down was scary out of control. Mamas--if your kids never reach that state, count your blessings! 0-100 in the blink of an eye, that's a perfect description of my girl!

Of course as a parent you try to defuse the melt down, but some kids are just MORE! Once that MORE state is reached, there is no "reasoning" going on in their little heads, they can't express WHAT set them "off", just that they are "off". And frankly, things like "go to your room" or "sitting in the time out chair" will require the parent to physically hold the child in place. That is hard to do, with the kid screaming in your face, fighting against being held. And if you have several other kids watching & crying too, well, it's just pretty much crazy-making. Holding down a child that is this upset just makes everything worse.

They need some gentle help to calm down, and what could be more gentle than warm water? You said that normally he will get undressed & shower once you turn on the water, but this time he was just too upset to even undress. And he did calm down & was able to talk afterwards. So this was an effective method to help him calm down. Well done!

For our girl the warm water also helped soothe her & helped her calm down enough to think & explain herself. She's 16 now & her favorite thing is a warm bath & a book. And now when she's upset she will take a nice, long warm shower to calm down. One mama said your child should be able to "self-soothe"--my girl NEVER took a pacifier--I bought & tried every kind out there! Maybe the warm shower is her self-soothing method, I don't know.

There are no "one size fits all" parenting techniques, because all kids are individuals, just as we parents are. Good Luck with your boy, love him & do what's best for HIS needs--& if it's a little unorthodox, oh well, does it get the job done without pain? Then it's the right thing to do at the time!

My oldest is only 3 and a bit and she tends to freak out and act up when she is tired, like most kids do. Recently when I cant get her to calm down and talk to me I have started to tell her that I want her to cry until X. Whether it be until dinner is ready, or Dada comes home, etc and then she usually gets mad at me for daring to tell her to cry and stops crying and then cools down after a few minutes and we talk it out
I did it last night and she got so mad that I started to laugh and then she burst out laughing so it was a win win because she finally calmed down and we all had a good giggle