Have You Ever Been Disappointed in How Your Life Has Turned Out? Vent

I saw a great quote on pinterest

You can't have a better tomorrow if you're always thinking about yesterday.

I think this is so true. I think if everyone looks in there past they can pick out things they would have done differently. Certainly....my life did not go as planned. But I have two beautiful daughters and a husband whom treats me like a princess. I think the key is to focus on what you do have and not what you always thought you would have.

I am not "depressed" right now and I have those days. To me it is common but in real life I would only tell maybe two dear friends.

My first husband barely graduated high school. It was awful. We did without any extras and still could not get ahead. We lived with my family for years and I was a grown woman. I lost friends because they thought I was lying about not being able to afford to eat out, go places, take vacations, or relax and just have fun like before.

We still could not get ahead with the medical bills, cars breaking down, gas, etc... People ask me all the time while I stayed so long. Truth be told, if I could go back, I would find another way but being so broke is stressful and depressing. No pill could fix how I felt.

You are not alone. Boy, do I struggle with the same thing. I came away from my childhood with a DEEP-seated desire to have my own family and be a SAHM myself one day. I think partly because subconsciously I felt it would let me relive my childhood in a way.

I made sure my husband knew when we were only dating that I would not want to work after we had kids. Well, he makes a pretty decent salary but thanks to a bad investment he made I had to go back to work full time. I too have struggled with *big-time* resentment.

One thing that helps me is reminding myself that the cost of living HAS gone up tremendously even since you and I were kids, and fewer and fewer moms can stay home these days (unless, like Tracy mentioned, they want to be washing out and reusing their Ziploc bags). And that's not our husbands' faults. Your husband's salary may very well have supported a SAHM and 4 kids just a generation or two ago. But things have gotten harder and harder on the middle class since then. I won't get into why I feel that is b/c I don't want to make this political, lol.

Good luck and best wishes to all of us struggling with these feelings.

ADDED: I know you are disappointed in your husband, but see this through with him. You are stronger together than apart.

Stop looking at the closed door and turn around and look for open doors and windows.
You are a young woman. Your life has barely just begun. The opportunities are there for you and your hubby. Both of you can go back to school, get a better education and better jobs. You are not stuck.

Everyone has made mistakes in their life. The point is do not dwell on your mistakes and work at making a life the one you want it to be. It is all up to you---move forward. Go to counseling and work out your issues. Go and talk to a counselor at a college or university and see what you need to do to make a better life for you and your family. No one will do this for you. It's time to take a deep breath and step into the abyss.

You can do this -- have faith in yourself.

You will cause depression in the mere fact you are looking at a closed door.

My ideal life was working full time, no kids, maybe a husband or lover, who also worked. A private jet. International travel. Authoring a few books.

My real life includes working part time, homeschooling 3 of my 4 kids, a very unromantic husband, but a great dad who works in my office. Both our cars are paid off. Rare international travel. No books, yet.

It is what it is. I'm enjoying each moment....or trying to. (I'm breastfeeding the 9 month old while I type this, thinking I need to go get ready for work.)

My best friend married a guy who made $60MILLION last MONTH and she's miserable. Yep, she is a stay at home mom, has a plane, a nanny, a housekeeper, 2 kids, a Mercedes and a Ferrari...and she is miserable. She wanted to be an attorney.

Our other friend wanted to be a nun and ended up with 3 kid and is a CIA agent. LOL

Find 3 good things about each day and be grateful for what you have. You could still be beaten by your ex. You have no idea what the truth is about your college boyfriend....and the truth is, as harsh as it is, he did not marry you. He might not have married you anyway, without the daughter. That sounds like a big fat excuse from him.

Money only makes you more of what you already are! So be happy and enjoy the wonderful man you have in your life....and 2 healthy children. Find something that gives you joy.

Oh the curse of "the grass is always greener" can be so evil, but the truth is, it never is better. You just trade one set of dislikes for another or realize life wasn't as bad as you thought.The only way to combat it is to realize the blessings you have in your life. You wanted 4 kids, but only have 2. What if you couldn't have any? You're husband doesn't make a lot of money, but it sounds like he loves you and works hard for your family. Some people will never know that kind of love. My point is God truly has a plan for all of us to prosper and live a joyful life on this earth, you just need to tap into that. Read the Power of a Praying Wife. If you want change in your husband it will help you by looking at what needs to change within yourself too. We can all sit back and kick ourselves for taking a wrong turn in life or we can say to God, I messed up on such and such, but I am asking for your forgiveness and guidance and He will lavish blessing upon you. It may not be in the form of winning the lottery or becoming independently wealthy, but you find yourself noticing the small daily blessings to big ones that knock you off your feet. The only part of the "made my bed, now I have to lay in it" mentality I agree on is the ownership part. Owning those mistakes is crucial, but you don't have to stay in a situation that is not productive. Just figure out how to make the situation better. There is always a way. God Bless!
A.

I truly wish I could be a 'wealthy' sahm. Not a one car, wash your ziploc bags out sahm.
I'm so envious! I would work out, run errands, be with my kids, join clubs, volunteer. It would be so great to make it to every event and school outing. But alas, I have a soft spot for a broke man.
My mom used to say it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one. I never knew what that meant, but now I get it!
I will always need to support our family. While I love the independance and having money in my pocket, I still wish I had a wealthy husband! It's great never having to ask anybody for anything, never having to justify my expenditures or my time, but I would love to try the other side for a while.

You say "I ended up marrying my best friend. And I do love him very much, he treats me well, and does everything in his power to make me happy and he loves my daughter like she is his own. And we now have a son together."

The rest is noise.

"Love" vs. "In love" is a childish comparison.

The fact that he loves you, your daughter and has had a son with you, alone, should speak volumes about his character.

Yes--I can pinpoint decisions/choices in my life that has "closed a door" in some regard. I'm 48, so I've got a fair amount of life experience on which to reflect--the breakup with a very wealthy friend, surely heir to a successful family business, a college major that I loved, but not necessarily a high-earning guarantee, waiting until I was independent and secure before getting married, and a late-in-life (39) pregnancy & delivery to name a few.

But, you know what I've found out?
Life is generally what you make it.

How does the song go? It's not having what you want--it's wanting what you have.

So--if you don't want what you have--YOU need to find a way to change that. I don't know you or your situation. It might be about debt, a high mortgage, keeping up with the Jones', or lack of additional education, lack of a plan--more the feeling that you are being "carried" down the river of life, drifting, without the ability to make a change. And that's simply not true.

There are MANY SAHMs with low household incomes that make it work. It's hard I'm sure. It might involve evening/weekend work for you or a second job for your husband but it CAN work. Sorry--I'm not a big believer in throwing my hands up and saying "I give." I am a believer in leaving the cave, killing something and dragging it home.

Good luck identifying what it is, exactly, that YOU (and your husband where you can work as a team) CAN DO to make the changes you'd like to see!

What if God's hand was in it all? What if you were meant to be in this moment? Whether you know it or not you are somebody's hero. Especially those children of yours. Your life is precious, and important. Never ever forget that.

It's so hard not to play the "what-if" game. But if you're going to do that you have to also do it in the negative. Things could have gone very badly in those other scenarios too.

You might like book "The Power of Now." It's esoteric and New Age-ish (not usually my thing) but very thought-provoking. Right now is ALL that we have.

Good luck and I'm thinking of you.

So many women nowadays wish they could stay home... You're definitely not alone. I have a friend who I can tell is a bit bitter bc she and her husband are "gifted" yet nothing has really materialized financially so she has to work and run around like crazy taking care of 3 kids. Another friend also kind of pines for an old boyfriend who is likely smarter than her husband though he hasn't done all that well professionally. But he is super smart and i guess herhusband isnt all that savy. Her ex boyfriend was a huge jerk though!! I think she forgets that... So make sure your ex would have actually been a good husband vs a good provider. Another thing is you're in a tough time of life. We're very well off financially but those early years were hard. It will get better. I was pretty miserable and my husband isn't always a sweetheart - he can be super selfish etc. So we fought a lot and all. Having money doesn't mean everything is perfect. But it's gotten way way better. Finally, we're really well off financially bc of my job. I always thought I'd be a SAHM too but I'm the main breadwinner. So I could be resentful of my husband too but I know he tries. And it's a tough world. He has a college degree and a masters yet we'd struggle on his salary. 4 kids is super expensive too btw! So i would suggest you don't really "blame" your husband for finances. He could wish you made more money too. Lots of men at my work say they wish their wives made the money I do and then they'd stay home. I don't think we're in the old world of only men can make lots of money and therefore it's their responsibility. I don't mean this critically at all. It's just somthing to think about so you don't blame your husband. I know a mom who apparently said in a bitter way she thought they'd be living in the rich town by now. She works some but her husband had lost his job. I thought - what a jerk. Why is it all up to him? But overall, it will get easier. Working at home with a 14 month old is super hard. He won't always be this age though. And I know lots of people have it easier than you but just keep reminding yourself that lots of people have it much much worse too. And lots of SAHM's are tearing their hair out!

BTW- how my life has turned out is one reason I really don't play up the whole princess thing very much... I think the vast majority of women had the fantasy of being taken care of by a big strong man and the same vast majority of women I know are not living that fantasy!! I am making sure my daughters never have the expectation staying home and being financially dependent. For one, it likely won't happen and two, some men exert an amount of control if they're financially in charge that I know I'm glad I don't have to live with. Knowing I'm totally self sufficient is nice.

One thing you need to remember is that life is ever-changing...as your kids grow and get more independent, you will have more time for yourself. Look at the positive side of the situation. I didn't get married until I was in my upper 30's and I had to work all the time to support myself, that wasn't any fun either. I had fertility problems when I finally did get married and spent many years and much emotional turmoil try to get pregnant. I wound up getting pregnant by surprise in my mid 40's. All in all, my life now is nice, but when I was in my 20's and 30's, it wasn't.

The grass always looks greener, but it may just be an illusion. Enjoy your kids now, you'll realize what you have when they graduate and move away.

I don't think I know a single person whose life turned out just the way they expected it to. Mine sure didn't. To me, it's all about perspective. If changing yours isn't doable, maybe you should consider a medication change before it gets to the point where how you're feeling really starts affecting every other aspect of your life.

I haven't read all your responses, but just wanted to toss out an idea - one you may already be doing, or one that many may find cheesy -

Try keeping a gratitude journal. Each day write down 3-5 things you're grateful for - and no repeats.

Like I said, some may find it cheesy or too simple to be effective, but I used to have adults in my company's classes do it and those who really DID it and didn't just go through the motions often commented about how much calmer and happier they were.

That said, I also struggle with depression and I know that outside of therapy and sometimes medication, nothing will work. But coupled with appropriate therapy, things like this where you force to brain to focus on the good can be very beneficial. Intentionally changing your thoughts can actually change your neural pathways and change your brain chemistry.

Challenge every negative thought. Focus on the good as much as possible - and a gratitude journal is one, concrete way to help you do that every day.

If it's any consolation, I made all the 'right' choices, difficult though they were, and the one thing that I sought to avoid has still happened all the same. I can't help but think there is something the Lord needs to me to learn from it, and it IS my life, so being miserable about it does nothing good for me, my children, or my husband. So, I trust that the Lord has a higher purpose for it and trust in him.
"Thinking about the past" is a vicious cycle; the more you do it, the more you'll do it. Get your mind in other places. Talk to friends that will offer encouragement NOT criticism, read books that help you work through your thoughts and emotions, focus on the good things in your life. Progressively, things will get better.

I could have held out for someone who was better educated and made more money and was more financially stable, but that is not who I fell in love with. I could have married someone with more income potential but he could have turned out to be a total jerk. We make our choices and we learn to live with them and sometimes as time goes on we learn to make different choices because we know better what we want out of life.

Not to sound critical, but what struck me in your post is how focused you were on being married and being able to stay home with your kids. It's almost like you just wanted to be married TO SOMEONE - ANYONE - because that is what life is supposed to be all about and that is all that mattered to you. Life is so much more than that. Don't get me wrong, being married and having kids and raising a family, for many people, is the most fulfilling thing one can do. I love being married and I love my daughter, but I also love the career I chose for myself. And having my career established first was more important than getting married and having kids. I wanted to be able to be independent and financially stable so that either I could support myself, and whatever kids I had, if the worst happened. Or I could contribute financially and carve out a better life for us than my husband could do on his income alone.

Think about what might be more fulfilling to you - not just now, but when your kids are grown and gone. Don't expect a man or a husband to "rescue" you - rescue yourself. Be happy for what you do have and realize that hindsight is 20/20. Be a role model to your kids and show them what a person is capable of. Realize that only you can really make yourself happy. Maybe when the kids are older and in school full-time you can go back to school and pursue a career that will give you pleasure and an identity beyond being a wife and mom - and will put more money in the coffers. And encourage your kids to get an education first too, and be financially independent, before "settling down."

Yes, I think about this regularly and can point out the exact moments that I made wrong turns, too. Hindsight is always 20/20!!!!!! I resent my husband for a number of things but am getting to a point where I am putting myself to blame as well - I made my bed, I need to lay in it!!!!!! The toughest lesson I have had to learn is that the expectations I had and the reality of our lives are so different - I struggle with this daily.

I think we all had different visions for our future and life did not turn out the way we hoped for, for the majority of us. I think since in your post you're pinpointing that the main trouble is your husband's lack of income, is there anyway he can go to school (even online classes) or is he just not into school? I think if going back to school is an option, you should maybe talk to him about it. Also, are you a college graduate? What about you going back? It doesn't have to be right now since you have a lot going on with your kids and work. But make a plan to go back in a year. I think once you have a proactive approach, things look better b/c you're working to fix the problem.
Good luck...things almost never turn out the way we wanted to or planned for.

I don't think anyone's life turns out exactly as they envisioned it; the secret is to revise the dream and plan today what you want tomorrow to look like. I always thought that I would be a stay at home mom and would of course have the perfect husband as my partner. When my perfect husband didn't come along and I approached the big 40 single and childless, my vision changed. I made the decision not to miss out on motherhood just because I had not yet met my Mr. Right. I never thought I'd adopt a toddler and be a 40-something single mom. When I read your post, I think "wow, she has a partner who loves her and is a good co-parent." There are days that I'd give my right arm for that. I'm grateful for the opportunity to be my daughter's mother and to have been entrusted with her. My life would be different if I'd made different choices, but I'm not sure that it would necessarily have been better. Your life could have been different, but it might not have been better. Take a look at all that is going for you...a loving husband, healthy kids, enough money that you can live without financial assistance. Perhaps see if you can work anything into the budget to send the 14 month old to preschool part-time for a few days a week to give you some time alone.

I think all of us feel like this at certain times. I thought I would be married right out of high school, a "secretary" and 4-6 kids. Uh, no. I didn't marry until I was 30, had 2 kids and ended up in insurance. My husband too was limited in his income ability so the majority of the income fell on me...no problem, but we couldn't afford the 4-6 kids I wanted either. AND...we ended up divorced after 9 years...not what I saw for myself...I had married with the intent to never divorce. However, I am now happily married and in a very good place. I have a step daughter, I work from home part time so the kids aren't in daycare and we have a very good life. Is it perfect? No, we rent and won't be able to buy for probably 3+ years and my hubby's ex loves drama. I mean, if those are our only "problems" we shouldn't be complaining! And really, the good outweighs the bad. Usually with age comes wisdom and when I hit 40, I realized how short life really is and it shouldn't be spent unhappy. That's when I divorced, got rid of negative people and things in my life and saw it turn around for the better. Try to focus on the good things and make the best of the bad that you can. Good luck!

I am emailing with my dad right now and am fighting the urge to apologize for some of the choices I've made. I would never give my kiddo's back and I love my husband, but it's been tough lately. I wanted to stay at home for a while and I did. He never was mean about it or withheld money from me. He was never mad when dinner wasn't made or when the house was dirty.

But nothing in life is perfect. Try to find some time for you. Even if it's locking yourself in the bathroom and reading for a while when he gets home. Something. It will do you a world of good. If I could give you a hug I would. Hang in there, mama!

I'm sorry you feel sad inside your heart. Our spirit can be so easy to be so easy to break. I read a book recently and it talked about finding peace and joy in the moments rather then the whole picture. My sister struggles with the same feelings you do. She is stuck supporting her kids as their dad cheated and left, decided never to work again and live with a new girl every year. We talk about that yes, some choices we have to live with forever. There are no real do- overs. She's working on prayer and yoga to find peace in the everyday and trying to stop looking back. I feel for you as I hear the same pain I hear from her. If you are a person if faith I hope you can find some peace in prayer. My old shrink used to say we all carry some burdens, no one gets through life with no issues. I think I say that just so you know you are not alone. Everyone feels as you do about something. A job we let go, a man we let go, a time we wasted. My tramps used to tell me always look beneath you never above you. I think it's the same as bloom where you're planted. I'm sorry you feel sad. I'm thinking of you. Sending you grace.

When I first married my husband, we already had a 3 mo old together and the rate we were going, I just knew i would be a working mother, which was fine w/ me. Luckily though, he was recommended at another job, by someone he had worked w/ previously. Then when that company went under, he got another job somewhere else for more $. I had always pictured my self being able to work, but w/ flexible hours so a I could be w/ my little guys (we have 4 now and are done.) When I get more time on my hands I am going back to school for massage. Could you or him go back to school to get a better job? Just a thought. I think all our lives never end up the way we want them. We just have to roll w/ the punches. P.S. my husband makes just enough for me to stay home, w/ very little left over to do the fun things.

You need to get a Mom's helper so you are NOT working and watching your kiddo at the same time. I also work from home and it's impossible to do both at the same time - something will suffer - and most likely it will unfortunately be both your work and your child.

Please look into this - even if it's just for the morning - I bet you'll get a lot more done work wise if you can really focus - then you can feel better about spending some real time with your son instead of feeling like he constantly has to be second to your job (trust me - I've been there and it's horrible)

As for the past - hindsight is always 20/20. You've made your choices and it sounds like you have a good man who loves you and your kiddos. SOmetimes what we think we want/need/must have really blinds us to the great things we already have. :-(

Good luck.

It sounds like you need a new game plan for both of you. You guys need to set some goals and work toward them a little every week and then every month and every year.

You must remember the only person who can make you truly happy is you. Look deep down and find that happiness. No one around you can be really happy until you are. Make up a routine or schedule of when you do your work and allow a bit of free time for you.

Really look at what you have rather than what you had wished for. Life changes many of our plans. Think of why you married your husband and what you felt when you first were together. Now work on getting that feeling back and go from there. Do show him that you do appreciate everything he has done for you and your family. You must remember that not every man will take on another child as their own -- the love of your life didn't.

Down the road there may come a time when you will have a better house and maybe more children. Live for now and the future and not in the past. The past cannot be changed but the future can. If you want to make more money than look into go to school for a vocation. Start now for a five year goal. Rome was not built in a day and neither is a good marriage. Communication is the key and it may be that it has to be put on paper and presented as a business document so that hubby can see what is going on and how to help.

Good luck to you. Remember for every rose that are a thousand thorns. Right now you are climing through the thorns in life but the prize is the rose on top. In other words, you have to pay your dues to get to the top. Always allow flexibility in the plan so that you stay on track.

The other S.

Yes I do have those days, but I remind myself that I made those choices and I also have the choice to change it or keep the status quo. Every choice I made and will make has a consequence and now that I’m a mother have to more than ever, consider those consequences.
But I do know where you’re coming from, I have days that I just don’t know how I got here and ask myself what was going on within me that made me take the road I did. How it happened that having the same education and opportunities (sometimes even more) that many of my friends, I ended up like I did and they ended up with many more successes. Then I tell myself that I have 2 beautiful children and that I don’t really know if the grass is greener on the other side because I’m not there and it may just be an illusion; but most importantly like I said before, I need to accept that I was an adult when I made the decisions I made, that I really can’t blame anyone and that I’m the only one responsible for the way my life turned out.

Life is about choices. So what you've made choices you regret now, the beauty of every NEW day is that it is new. You can change your tomorrow by changing your today.

It's fine that your husband doesn't make enough money for you to stay home. How much money can you earn outside of a job? What things can you do? What skills talents and abilities do you have that could be a blessing to many and bring in money? Stop thinking about the would have's, could have's and should have's of life. Start thinking about the things you can do to change things for yourself and your family.

I used to suffer terribly with depression for many years until I just grew tired of being tired of everything. You are in the drivers seat to your life. You have the power and ability to make the changes you need to make. Decide what that would be. WRITE IT DOWN. Define your new life with your huband and children and the steps that you need to take along the way to get there. Life is a journey.

Honestly when your children get to the teen years they will need you even more than the little ones. Trust me I have had 6 teens in my house at one time and it is interesting to say the least.

I would encourage you to start some kind of aerobic exercise program for at least 30 minutes a day in the morning and another 30 minutes in the evening. Get a journal and start writing what you want and how to get it. You will find that as you have a plan for your life, life is less likely to sweep you on a path you didn't want to go down. Be intentional. It is your life. Do what you want to with it.

im 23 years old and expecting a baby that was not at all planned.. im now engaged to the man who i love more than anything and i planned on spending the rest of my life with anyway however we were not ready for this at all .. i know we wouldnt be engaged this soon if it werent for the baby coming.. we have been dating almost 4 years but we just werent ready for all of this at this point.. we planned on getting an apartment in vermont where we had been living for a few months but we found out i was pregnant and then about 2 weeks later construction work dried up for him.. my father offered him a job workign with him back in jersey so we moved back home.. my salary in vermont was nowhere near enouogh that we couldve afforded to live there so no were back home living with my parents in my little bedroom, i dont have a job, we dont have much money saved up and the baby will be here in july.. i refuse to have any kind of wedding while im pregnant and huge.. my family and lso some of his are pressuring us to just go to the courthouse and make it legall sometime b4 the baby arrives and have a wedding down the road.. on top of all of that my mom just had surgery to remove a tumor will start chemo and radiation in about a little more then a month for 5-6weeks.. talk about bad timing.. believe me im thrilled to be engaged and having a baby with my man but this is not at all how i pictured it happening.. believe me youre not the only one whos life is not at all how u pictured it youre not alone so dont ever feel that way

I am glad that no one has beat you up for this. Find a TRUE friend that you can comiserate with in-person besides on this board. Babysit for one another. You take Fridays, she takes Saturdays. Or maybe you take 10-12 on Wednesdays and she takes 12-2. Stay home and just chill out.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I too work out of the house for 40 hours on the computer while caring for my 2 year old son. It is doing two jobs at once. Very stressful at times but I wouldn't have it any other way. I wish, like you, that I didn't have to work but that's not a possibility. Too bad you live too far from me, we could support each other as needed as far as the work at home with a child aspect. It's not an easy job to do but the alternative for me would be to drive to the office everyday which is over 50 miles one way and put my child in day care. With the cost of day care and gas, there's no way we could afford it so here I am. But on the plus side, even though I am working I get to spend time with him and not miss any of his firsts. For that I am grateful.

As far as feeling that your life hasn't turned out like you expected, I too feel the same way. But for me, it's that I am 40 and I have a 2 year old. Not that I don't love my son and think he's a true blessing - he is - but I never thought I would have another child at this stage in my life. I also thought that at this stage in my life I wouldn't have to worry about money but it's a constant worry. Sometimes we get this perfect picture in our head of what we think our life should be like and when it doesn't happen that way, we get discouraged. You have to remind yourself that even though your dream didn't come about, doesn't mean that you don't already have a dream occuring for you at this time. It is up to us to adjust to what life brings us not try to force our thoughts into the facts of life, make sense? We can't force what is not there. We can however accept and learn to love what is there.

I too, suffer from depression and severe anxiety. I am on a anti-depressant that helps with both but I am also on Abilify that just provides additional help. It is like a mood stabilizer. If I were you, I would ask your doctor about it. I've been on just an anti-depressant before and while it helped a little it wasn't enough. I'm finding that with the addition of Abilify, I am finding life easier to manage. Just a thought.

You are definitely not alone. Please feel free to pm me if you ever need to. We could support each other through here if you would like. We all could use all the support we can get sometimes. Good luck!

Try to remember that the grass isn't really greener "on the other side". I work full-time outside of my house, am highly educated, financially successful (outside of my husband's income) and have a high powered job. I was home last week with my son and sobbed on my way into work this morning because I would love to just be home with him a few days a week. Having said that, I really like what I do and while we could live on my husband's income, all of the "extras" that we LOVE would have to go. It's a trade-off.

If I had married the former fiance, I would not have to work (financial advisor for Anheiser Busch). Great. However, the reason I broke-off the engagement was simple- he worked an average of 70-80 hours per week and I NEVER saw him. Our children would have "things", but not a "father". Again- trade off.

This year for Lent, I gave up complaining. It's much harder to do that I thought. For me, when I have the "How the heck did I get here" moments- I remind myself of the people and experiences I have in my life BECAUSE of the choices I have made, not despite them.