I had a really good friend years ago. We were practically best friends. I was already in a relationship when we met and he was close with my SO as well. A few years went by and then my friend got into a relationship. At that point, he stopped talking to me from often/always to rarely/never. He explained to me briefly that his girlfriend (subsequent wife) was jealous of me and didn't want him talking to me anymore. I respected her decision even though I know I never gave her a reason to doubt my intentions. Fast forward 15 years, and in that 15 years, if we said 5 sentences to one another, that may be an exaggeration.
He goes through a divorce. He starts reaching out again, only as friends, of course. He apologized for not having contacting me over the past years, explaining that it was out of respect for his wife's decision. I suspected initially that he was trying to get even with her for her having an affair and wanting to leave him and/or even make her jealous that he was talking to me again.
Anyway, now he is divorced. She left him. Now he wants to be friends with me again as though this never happened. I am having a hard time with investing anything into this relationship again. I guess it is perhaps because if/when he meets another woman and she says, "You are not allowed to have her a friend." He would say "okay.".
I haven't told him the reason. It doesn't really matter anyway does it? What's in the past is past. But relationships take time in a way. I like to consider a relationship like an investment of sorts. That I won't be left just holding an empty bag going "Huh, what do you mean you can't be my friend anymore?"
Thanks. He walked away from me a long time ago. I will just let our friendship progress from there. My husband isn't worried about me having guy friends at all, and vice versa, because we trust each other. If a spouse is going to cheat, they will find a way. Anyway, we have changed and I do feel that he was using me in a way to make her angry. Who cares though. He did apologize but you know how you really feel it when someone is remorseful or they missed you...I didn't feel it here. So I'm just gonna let it go. I don't think his "future" person in his life would act so insecure as to treat him as though he has to ban a person from his life solely on their gender, but I can't say that I am overly eager about being friends with someone who could drop me (and my husband) that easily (he was the best man in our wedding).
Stop responding.
This man isn't your friend. Real friends don't drop you and pick you back up when it's convenient.
It will happen again because I would not want to marry and have another woman be close to my spouse. Spare yourself the heartache. Don't be his old standby. It hurts and I get you miss him, but it is NOT worth it.
He sees you more like "the back up plan" - you are there so he won't have to be alone.
You are comfortable and know him. he expects you to be there.
if you are not married and want things to progress with him - then state so. If not - then tell him exactly how you feel. That there is no sexual attraction between the two of you and you only want to be friends. Figure out what he wants.
Good luck!!
If you decide to contact him at all, I'd stick with nothing more than putting him on your Christmas card list and leave it at that.
He is water under the bridge and that ship has sailed.
Move on and move forward.
Don't look back.
The odds are pretty damn good that you have very little in common anymore. People grow apart over time, especially when you spend that time apart and not communicating.
I would keep the relationship casual and distant. He needs a person in his life to depend on emotionally. He had that in you and walked away for another person when he got married. She left him and now he needs to fill that void again. The next time he gets involved in a relationship, he'll fade away again.
Don't ignore him, but there's nothing wrong with focusing your time and emotional energy on your husband and children. That shouldn't leave much time left for this "friend".
I have a very close male friend. Our families are close and we've been part of eachothers lives for nearly 30 years. We talk regulary and he's my daughter's Godfather. His wife has become a very dear friend and we talk even more often. In our case, we grew closer as adults because our lives were able to merge. Our spouses like eachother, we have common interests and enjoy spending time as couples. What you are describing sounds like a romantic relationship gone "bad"... he comes back when he wants you in his life.
You don't owe him a reason.
Sorry. I hold friendships very high as well. You invest so much of self, like a relationship. And to lose it is devastating.
I understand his decision. You made her uncomfortable, and because you knew each other so well, like he would his buddies, he probably talked about you quite a bit, which made her fear that she may lose him to you, subsequently her discomfort with you spawn from her own inability to be faithful, as she was probably messing around with the person she left him for, and therefore thought that he too would do the same. Even if it was an unrealistic thought.
His job was to take care of his wife. Period, and if your husband asked you to do the same, you would have to respect that it is for the good of two, and not just because. You have no way of knowing if the request is valid in their minds. Just that you want them to be secure in their feelings of you.
I would explain to him your position. What it did to you to loose him as a friend. And if you honestly can not invest that time again, as you are now two completely different people, and your pain individually as well with each other, has played a part in that change, I would tell him that too.
On the other hand, it was bad that he let you go. Men are silly sometimes, and do not see the signs. She was a harlot, but probably really attractive. So he didn't pay attention to the fact that she still had male friends whom she spoke with often, or that she had unexplained phone calls, etc. And he based his friendship on something superficial, that did not even last? Slap in the face! But, he was a good friend, who was stupid, and now he needs you. A good friend would be there, and I suppose he still sees you as one, since he thought of you.
Also, I doubt he is calling to get back at her. You never dated right? He just wants someone who will understand him. And he thinks that is you.
I sort of understand her point! I don't condone what he did but women friends are an odd thing.
I'd also take into account how your husband will feel about this guy coming back into your lives.
Often, when you find an old lost friend, you are in different places. Catch up and see if your lives even have time for this friendship. You might find that catching up is all you do - and like photos on FB and say happy bday!
Almost all of my best friends have been guys. Not one was a sexual partner. IF we had wanted to be friends with benefits we could have easily done so. In my way of thinking if we didn't have rampant sex when we were free and single then why in the world would we have sex or an interest in having sex with that friend when we're married to someone else.
I have traveled all over with my guy friends and had a blast. SO if one of their wives had an issue with our friendship and wanted the friendship terminated then I'd have to tell them off at least once for saying I was a cheating slut, because that is what she'd be implying I was.
If I had wanted them when they were single and we'd had that kind of relationship then yes, she'd have a right to be jealous but still should not make a declaration that he can't be friends with anyone.
I think that in this case I would limit the time I spent on this friendship to a minimal, maybe once or twice a month go have a pop and visit but not much more.
His next wife/girlfriend probably won't want him to be your friend either. Very few females are comfortable with that.
Make your decision.
our opinions don't count, it's your husbands that do.
Have you ever heard the phrase "You can never go home again?" Basically, it means that things change and people change. Therefore, if you leave for awhile you can't expect to return and pick up where you left off. Your friendship may turn out to be completely different this time, so I'd just see how it goes if I were you.
I think at this point, it's your court. If you would like his friendship but don't want to get burned like that again, then say so and be willing to walk if he says he hasn't learned from it. I had a boyfriend who I later found out told mutual friends not to talk to me anymore and it totally ruined my friendships. I had no idea why they stopped talking to me. I didn't stay with Mr. Insecurity but the damage was done. I no longer trusted the friend to treat me like a friend (as in talk to me about my boyfriend!).
So...bottom line IMO is you need to put it out there. Maybe he was in an abusive relationship and there was more than just "she's jealous" and if he can articulate that, then great. But if it bothers you, it needs to be said. Reboot the friendship with mutual respect or it's not worth rebooting.
I am saying this also with the assumption that your DH is cool with it and you aren't hiding this friendship from him, either.
I wouldn't open the door to his friendship again either, KK. I agree with your assessment that he used you in regards to his wife's affair. Just tell him that you consider a relationship an investment in another person, and he quite frankly, makes you feel that investing in him to actually be a friend to YOU instead of using you, is a poor investment.
Dawn
