Ok Need Help with a Dilemna!!! Am I Wrong for Feeling This Way???

We need a few vital questions answered:

1.Why do you think he's their dad? It doesn't add up?
2.Where the hell is she going for 2 weeks when she should be home with her kids. 3-5 days for business, ok. A week maybe - but two weeks?
3. Where is this distrust coming from?
4. They do sound very close - when do they see each other? Work?

I don't have much time right now to answer but I will tell you this scenario is all too familiar to me.

My dad's gal pal friend was introduced to my mother and our family. The woman's two daughters started to become close friends to me and my siblings. They were included in alot of our family events. My mom helped take care of the two girls since their mother had to work. We all got very chummy and close.

The woman who was my dad's friend is now my step mother.

My dad swore up and down all along that they were just friends when my mom questioned him. He snowed us all into thinking she was a friend,just single and needed friends since her family lived a couple hours away.

It ruined our family. It has ruined relationships within our extended family.

You are not responsible to watch this woman's two girls. She should hire a babysitter or enlist her family.

I am so sorry that another woman has caused a rift in your marriage...even if they are just friends. Another woman is coming between you and your husband. Your husband is putting the blame on you...sooo not right.

Also, I have seen this same scenario play out in a couple of my friends' lives. Dang..the story is so fake. I can't believe men still use it!!!

You've already gotten a lot of good feedback.

I just wanted to add this: You and your husband clearly have differing philosophies when it comes to marriage. He believes that he should be able to befriend anyone he likes, and you believe that he should avoid someone who could end up in a place that emotionally infringes upon your marriage relationship...which could lead to a physical infringment.

I agree with you on that. We should work hard to ensure that hedges of protection are maintained in our marriages, and that includes not putting ourselves in potentially questionable or dangerous situations. It's not because we're untrustworthy people, but because we place our marriages on a level of higher importance than any other relationship we might have. And all those other folks in other relationships need to see that.

I think that you should look into some marriage counseling. Start going alone for a while. Seek out guidance on how to navigate this situation. And when you have been going for awhile, try to talk your husband into going as well. You philosophies don't match up...that that is a big problem.

As for the situation with this other woman, I would make it very clear that you do not approve of a friendship with a single woman. And I would say "absolutely not" to these girls coming to stay at your home under your care. Furthermore, I would question why this woman has no friends or support system other than your Knight in Shining Armor husband. That kind of gives me the heebie jeebies. She is NOT family...he just enjoys the "big tough savior" feeling that comes with helping her. And he doesn't get to say no to family coming to stay. That's NOT the same as basically being in an emotional relationship with someone outside your marriage. Not at all.

ETA: Oh, and the fact that he's demonizing you to her, telling her that you don't think their relationship is appropriate, is very telling. A committed husband would NEVER demonize his wife to another woman. He's buttering her up, making you look bad, and making himself look like the innocent, put upon, poor husband. The line is crossed, I'm sorry to say.

Also, some good stuff here: http://marriagemissions.com/protecting-your-marriage-marr...

And: http://marriagemissions.com/tag/opposite-sex-friendships/

N.,

ETA: Just thought of something else: Can any moms here even imagine dropping off your kids for two weeks with a stranger, while you're a world away? This woman knows the husband works and that it will be N. taking care of the kids. No way would I just dump my kids with someone I met a couple of times, especially knowing that she doesn't really care for me. There really is something very off here.

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ORIGINAL:

There seems to be some missing information here, so I can only respond generally.

I do think men and women can be friends IF they both respect their marriages and boundaries and as long as it doesn't cause problems in their primary relationships. When mature people have their priorities straight and respect the boundaries of their primary relationships, it can be okay. However, that doesn't sound like your situation.

I think it's utterly insane for your husband to expect you to care for two teenagers, who are complete strangers to you, for two weeks. Sounds like they are young enough teens who can't drive yet, so you'd be carting them around to school and activities and social events in addition to taking care of your own children's needs. I think that is beyond too much to ask even if you weren't concerned about the nature of the relationship with this woman. I think it's disrespectful that he didn't consult you and ask about YOUR schedule and what you have going on during those two weeks.

There is SO much going on here beyond that obvious problems of distrust and disrespect. If you want to preserve your marriage, it's time for a talk with your husband and some professional help so you can both sort this out and decide where your priorities lie as a couple and a family.

Wishing you the best with this.

J. F.

Hi N., since we don't know you or your husband or this woman, it's hard to gauge the dynamic. I think this could be a perfectly normal situation for some, and a totally bizarre concept for others.

I'd like to say though, your saying you "suspect he may be their Dad" is a pretty heavy statement. Can you clarify for us what would lead you to think such a thing? I mean there must be some basis for this suspicion.

Also, is this someone he works with? How did he meet this person?

I just feel like there is more to this story, you know?

:)

I have a family member who was in a similar situation as your husband. He had a friendship with a woman who was married, and he was married. Both had kids.

The problems began when they both developed a need to help each other. She created situations where he "needed" her expertise or advice. Everything they did seemed very nice to the casual observer. She helped him learn to balance his checkbook. She needed help with a particularly needy foster baby. They began doing some volunteer work for a very worthwhile cause, and they met together sometimes to plan a helpful project.

Everyone else was very uncomfortable about the situation. But if someone had asked "what are they doing wrong?", what would I have said? "Oh, they served side by side at a soup kitchen." "He helped rock her foster baby when it was fretful." "They met at a coffee shop to plan a book drive for homeless kids." Ooooh, awful stuff, right?

As they created needs in each other's lives, they became more intertwined. Still it was all seemingly innocent. But they grew bolder and bolder. She let herself need him more and more. They fed each other's needs. His wife and her husband realized that they had each been pushed out of the picture, and my family member and this woman became lovers, divorced their spouses and ruined two families.

I, too, believe that men and women can be friends, even if they're married. But they don't depend on their friend for more than a true emergency (for example, if this woman was hospitalized, I would hope that both you and your husband would help out with her kids or bring a meal or something like that). They don't create situations where a favor has been granted and so must be repaid. It just builds from there.

I hope that your husband will realize that a healthy friendship with a woman who is not his wife can be pleasant, with boundaries, and not the kind of relationship that inserts itself into the family. Because that's what I think she's doing: inserting herself into a family situation, and your husband is opening the door. Watching two teens while their mother is out of the country (what if they got into trouble, or had a medical emergency?) and telling you that if you won't have these teens you can't have your own family members over is a huge red flag. Boundaries have been crossed.

If he has known her for six years and her kids are teenagers, how could he possibly be their dad? The math doesn't work.

I would not have a problem with my SO having single female friends.
I would never demand that he cut off contact with a friend unless I was certain beyond ALL doubt that he was having an affair. Actually, not even then. Because if I knew he was having an affair, I would leave, and she could have him.

Your reluctance to babysit is understandable, and would be even if they were family.

N., the only answer for you is for you to get this man to marriage counseling. Without counseling, I believe your marriage is doomed. He can be irate all he wants, but you will never trust him without some real communication, and there isn't any right now.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you will both get in there and work this out.

Not knowing you, your husband or this woman it's hard to know what's really going on. But for sure I would not take on someone else's teenagers for two weeks unless it was a family member or very good friend. At the very least your husband should respect THAT. When my husband and I leave town we arrange for our teens to stay with their friends (of course that's never more than a few days, I wouldn't ask ANYONE to have my kids that long unless there was a very serious reason, like a terminal illness.) The real issue here isn't so much what may or may not be going on between them, it's that your husband doesn't respect your feelings, and that's a huge red flag to me. It's also a red flag that you "don't trust most women." My best friends are all women, and I trust them absolutely. Why don't you? Has he cheated on you before?

Marriage counseling. Make an appointment ASAP!

You two are talking at each other, you two need to learn to speak with each other and how to listen. If he will not go, you go on your own. I am sending you strength.

No, I would not watch her 2 daughters. If I did, I would be taking hair from their hair brushes and sending them off to see if he is the father.

Gah! This is tough.

First, your post tells me that you don't trust your husband--or his friend.
That may be your own insecurities (although it seems that only THIS woman really bothers you, right) OR it could be because, on a gut level, you know something's up. You'll have to be honest with yourself and figure out which it is. I'm a big believer in "where there's smoke, there's fire."

As for watching the teenagers? Look, I'm a busy person. It infuriates me when someone else decides how to spend MY time. I don't like anyone else to commit me to anything other than what *I* already have on my plate.
If your husband wants to provide care for these kids so badly? Have him alter HIS schedule or take HIS time off to do it.

I will say that I have/watch kids all the time. Kids of MY friends and I offer to do so. You say you've "met" this woman a few times and are not friends. I'm sure you would not be balking at doing this if it was for your friend for whom you offered.

Gotta wonder why your husband is SO upset about this. Surely this woman has other options. You're right--who makes plans like that without a 100% plan in place. It's not your fault she had few friends. And this isn't YOURS problem.

Good luck!

ETA: at the very LEAST, this woman is disrespecting you AND your marriage by going behind your back talking to him, crying wolf for his time & attention, etc. your husband NEEDS to realize that, even if he is 100% innocent, that's not appropriate for a married man.

1. Giving ultimatums is never the right approach. You can tell him what you want or need, figure out if his response works for you, and then make a decision that's best for you. period. You are in control of you, not him.

2. Of course a married man can be friends with a woman. At least if everyone involved is a mature adult.

3. The favors being asked of you are huge. You have every right to refuse them based on your needs.

4. You might want to let him know that you might be more willing to help out if he made an effort to include you in the friendship. Maybe if you knew her better and were on friendlier terms, you'd be more willing to do favors.

5. And finally. One is never "wrong" for having feelings. It's how we choose to act on those feelings that tends to go wrong.

I don't think I can answer, or anyone, because there is a whole lot missing here. You think the girls could be his but they are teens, and they have only known each other for six years. You said you have been married for 16 years, ya know, math doesn't work. That and you would know if he was paying child support so why do you go so out there?

It sounds like she is going catting around and asked your husband to watch the girls yet you think there is something else going on? Why else would you not take teenagers?

I guess this just looks like you are trying to convince yourself something is going on and that screams insecurity.

Well, this is just weird. It sounds like there is a lot of distrust on your part. You think these kids could be his? That's pretty huge.

Personally, and I know this might go against your thinking in this moment, but no, I don't think that all women are out to steal my man if they happen to be single. I have a few unmarried male friends who move in and out of relationships-- and we are just friends. My husband would be fine if I went out to lunch with them-- I choose not to do anything without my husband present. That's just how I am.

So, I don't think you are wrong about how you are feeling, necessarily, but I think you've focused on the softer discussion-- the girls--- as opposed to the harder discussion, which is that you don't trust him and you believe that he has been unfaithful. So, instead of focusing on what we strangers-- who really don't have your situation, or might have in the past and may only fan the flames, sorry to say-- instead of that, focus on having the hard talk about your distrust. If you feel his priorities are so utterly misplaced, it's time for marriage counseling so you can both get back on the same page with each other. I can tell you what I think about all of the information you have shared, but ultimately, it's what YOU think that matters. I hope you can be brave enough to have the hard conversation with him and get whatever it is out in the open. Knowing --and being disappointed, angry, hurt-- is still better than not knowing and just suspecting. Suspicion is like cancer in a marriage. It's only harmful and it changes everything around it.

I agree with you - this is not a healthy friendship. If your husband had a normal healthy friendship with her then she would be invited to your house for dinner. He would hang out with her WITH you at his side. You would all be friends. She would talk to the BOTH of you about her problems and you could offer solutions together. But because she only goes to him, and he talks to her one on one on the phone, it shows that both of them are keeping their friendship their own private thing. Yes they are probably just friends at this moment. But they are headed down the wrong path. My husband has some women friends...but we will all hang out together. They will bring their kids over for dinner or we will go to their house. We once went camping together. There is something very strange about this. If I were to leave the country for 2 weeks, I would never leave my kids with a family where I am not even friends with the mom. That is so odd. That right there shows she is desperate, really has no friends, family and help, or is trying to keep a connection with your husband. Who leaves their kids that long with someone she hardly knows? She should be asking a family member or one of her daughter's best friend's families.

I think you should explain to your husband that he should cut her loose for her own good.
She's not finding single suitable mates by calling a married guy.
She's using him as a crutch - and he's enjoying the attention.
If she is EVER going to build a social network - your Hubby has got to kick that crutch away as a kindness to her.
The best help he could offer her is no help at all.
Her kids are her problem - not his and not yours.
I'd find something to do with your husband to take up his free time so he has none to spare for her - bowling, fishing, take a cooking class together, etc.

I couldn't read your whole post, I'm sorry.

Tyler has plenty of male and female friends. I don't tell him who he can and cannot be friends with. Yes, I think it's okay for Tyler to have a platonic relationship with a woman. I have platonic relationships with men. We aren't scheming on how to get into each other's pants. We drink beer, watch football or baseball, our kids running around and laugh.

You honestly believe that your husband is the father of her teenage children when he's only known her six years? How is that possible?

You do NOT trust your husband. I'm laughing at you being raised by the TV and not trusting women. You know that the TV is for drama, right?

I agree that you need counseling. You say you are not insecure? Sorry, your post screams of insecurity.

You are ready to give up your marriage because of another woman? Yes. that screams insecurity.

No. You should not babysit her teenagers. It was rude of your husband to ask that of you. If this were my post? I would show this to Tyler and let him see my words, let them sink in. And I would also let the words of the respondents sink in to my head. It's obvious I don't trust my husband, believe that he is the father to these teenage children, and don't know how to have a meaningful conversation with him without letting my jealousy show through.

Counseling. Not just marriage counseling, but counseling for you alone.

I have no issue with my husband having female friends, and he has no issues with my male friends. That said, we alway respect each others comfort and well being first so if a friendship makes the other uncomfortable FOR ANY REASON, or even no reason at all, that friendship is limited or ended. The mental well being of the one you are making your life with comes before any outside friendships. There was one time that I expressed discomfort about a friend of his, and he got really defensive, not wanting to end his friendship and saying I was being unfair. Turns out they were having sex. If he is unwilling to limit contact with this woman for you it does not mean he is cheating, but it is a huge red flag that he is so willing to put her feelings above your own. I get the feeling he is being less then honest with you about something concerning all of this, but I could not tell you exactly what.

That said, even if none of that was on the table and you felt totally fine with this woman and their friendship, he was still WAY out of line to volunteer you to watch her kids for 2 weeks (that is a really long time, even if you were friends with her) and to get mad when you refused (which I would have refused to, the request it ridiculous).

I would seriously consider some marriage counseling if I was in your shoes, and I would insist that he distance himself from this other woman. And if I thought for even a second a kid was my husbands I would ask him to get a paternity test done.

Your problem is not that your husband has a woman friend. My husband has women friends - some are married and some are not. I have male friends - some are married and some are not. He has lunch with his female friends, I have lunch and even have traveled on business with my male friends. Their status is irrelevant because people can cheat or be faithful regardless of marital status. But the difference in our case is that we have a strong marriage and a trusting relationship. We tell each other who we talked to and what they said. Neither of us would dream of telling the other not to talk to someone.

Another person NEVER breaks up a strong marriage. It's always a fault in the marriage if things fall apart. The 3rd party can be the temptation that causes one partner to cheat, but it's the partner who does it, not the other woman. So your jealousy is way off on that. I also think your comments about her appearance are irrelevant and petty. In that sense, you would help yourself if you were more secure.

You say you are secure but you don't trust other women - that's a contradiction. You don't trust your marriage and you are constantly worrying about it. You've been taught to keep your man away from single women and your girlfriends? Someone who was very hurt has passed that on to you, and it's crippling you. It's not healthy, and it's not normal. What's more, you're going to pass this on to your children, teaching them to be suspicious and letting them know that most people are cheaters if they aren't policed and watched all the time? That's not going to work out for your kids in the long run.

In that sense, I can't blame you. Your husband is giving you lots of reasons to not trust HIM. Your husband is out of line because he doesn't seem to tell you when he speaks to her. When people keep secrets, it's the sign of a breakdown in the relationship.

And I'm really alarmed that he asked you to "do him a favor" by watching the 2 teens for 2 weeks. Why is this a favor to HIM??? That's a huge red flag. He had absolutely no business even discussing this with his friend - he should have said no, but if that didn't happen, he should have gotten all the details and then said he would discuss it with his wife since 90% of the responsibility would fall to you. That didn't happen - and that's a huge problem. I agree that no one should be leaving the country for 2 weeks without having made 100% arrangements for the children, and that would involve sitting down with you, not just your husband.

But the biggest problem is that you and your husband don't communicate. You can't speak without someone getting angry. You don't trust him, and he doesn't consider you enough of a friend to even level with you, let alone consider your feelings.

You need marriage counseling, but not because of this woman. It's because you and your husband don't respect each other.

Is this for real? There is no way I would be babysitting for her at my husbands request. There is no way my husband would continue to be in any kind of contact with her. And there is no way my husband would be telling me my family can't stay with us anymore.

No, it is not ok for him to be "friends" with single women. Even married women for that matter. I am "friends" with all my girlfriends husbands. HOWEVER, I do not talk to them one on one or see them without my girlfriends being there. I don't even have any of their phone numbers. IF I need to tell them something, I text my girlfriend and say, hey, tell your husband I need blah blah blah. My husband does the same.

There isn't any reason to be friends with the opposite sex and see and talk to them one on one. That is my opinion but my ex was a cheater and so was my now husbands ex so we know how quickly one can be tempted and we decided not to even open the door to it. You play with fire, you will get burned. Simple. Good luck.

Even assuming there isn't anything between them, he is basically expecting you to be responsible for them, as you are the one at home. I'd be livid! Because your husband is not listening to you, go talk to the "friend" yourself and tell her you are not willing to take on responsibility for her teens for 2 weeks while she is out of the country. You have your own children to focus on and that is beyond what you will help her with. Be firm and direct. What is she going to say to that? Something is really off about this whole situation. What would be the purpose of her traveling so long and so far? It just smells. Your husband already committed to it? Oh well, I'd be thinking long and hard about packing up your kids and letting him have 100 percent responsibility to care for the teens.

I think you sound petty and jealous. I have single guy friends and I'm not interested in them in a sexual way at all. I would tell my husband to take a hike if he told me I can't be friends with them. He does NOT have the right to tell me who I can or cannot be friends with.

If you are so worried he's out screwing around with this woman because she's single let me tell you something, married women screw around too.

SO regardless of her marital status she might or might not be screwing your husband. Fact is either you except their friendship or move on.

By the way, why DON'T you want to be friends with her too? Because you show no interest at all in being friendly with her. Why?

It sounds to me like something is fishy. Have you not met her enough to know what's what between them? Why did she not talk to both of you about her children? Why is having her kids at the house so important to him that he will also demand that non of your family stays ever again? At the very least, your marriage is not based on mutual respect if he treats you like that. It is NOT your job and keeping someone else's teenagers for 2 weeks is only something I would do for very close friends or family or in a true emergency, not a vacation. He did not ask. He is telling you that you must take care of her children vs talking to you respectfully and acknowledging that you have reasons not to take them. I would frankly wonder if she would ever come back, since it all seems sketchy. And then what? I had a coworker who would constantly leave her kids with everyone (including other coworkers) and she knew better than to ask me, ever. I was NOT watching her kid when I knew she was making poor choices. It makes me wonder what her full story is.

Sounds to me more than anything you've lost trust and what matters more is the state of your marriage, not this friendship. You even wonder if he's their father. If my husband threw out "if you don't watch these kids, no one can ever stay that YOU want"...well, it wouldn't be pretty.

Maybe time to get a lawyer or counselor instead of playing these games.

I have a friend who went out of her way to be friendly to her husband's friend/secretary including her and her daughter on vacations,etc.Friend is now single and her ex is married to the secretary/friend/ previous single pal. Even if that doesn't turn into your scenario, you are wise to protect what you have.And just say no. They are not your relatives. Get him to get a DNA test if he is possibly their father. Continue to have your own family members if you want. It's not just his home. It is true there is nothing wrong with friendships, but apparently you have a reason to feel so strongly that this is possibly more than a friendship. And get some counseling, should the y ou know what ever hit the fan, you need to be able to handle it.

This whole situation is chaotic, childish, and damaging. Especially for your children. I am more concerned for them then anyone else involved. Family counseling is needed. Spousal counseling is needed, and individual counseling is needed for all.

I do think it is okay for my husband to have friendships with single women. He does, and they also have children. Why not? If his friend needed a safe place for their children to stay I would accommodate. I wouldn't turn my back on kids ever. It's not their fault or choice. I'd suck it up and help out. My partner's friend needs help. No questions asked.

I also trust my husband completely, and would never become as paranoid or jealous of any relationships he has with others. I have my own friendships too.

It seems that this situation isn't the only problem, and their probably is a lot of other underlining issues. Get to a counselor. If not for your marriage- for your kids.

This whole situation is extremely unusual.

I would trust my husband, because I believe in trust. You can't force someone to be faithful if they don't want to be. I would also support my husband in whatever friendships he had.

Your husband should not be demanding that you care for someone else's children. He should be aboveboard in all his communications with this woman.

The woman sounds weird.

All of the players in this scenario are in the wrong. Good luck with it.

Probably best to separate the two issues. If you knew for sure there was nothing at all going on between them for any number of reasons - she's hideous or obese or something you know would keep him away - then how would you feel about taking the daughters? Has he explained why this woman needs to go away for 2 weeks? That is really long. Hey - maybe she's dating someone long distance! So that's one issue and sometimes maybe it would be ok to watch teenagers. Not like toddlers. Second issue is whether or not they can be friends. I have good male friends. They do happen to be married and I knew them before I met my husband. So if my husband told me I couldn't be friends with them any more, there'd be an issue. And same goes for old female friends of his. New friends are a bit different. It can be done though - a friend at work is super pretty and is very good friends with a rather unattractive guy. The guy asks if her husband is jealous and to me she chuckles bc her husband isn't jealous at all. So there's no blanket rule. But I doubt they have a lot of conversations outside of work... Can you get to know her a little? Is she his type potentially? Is he the cheating type? How did they meet? We do need more info...And yes, she should have asked you but do you ever speak to her? Her going out of the country for 2 weeks is very odd but doesn't mean anything in terms of your husband. Again - two different things going on here. Try to separate them.

Well, it's out respect the he should terminate the friendship, not total jealousy. He doesn't respect you, first of all. He has no business getting mad that you don't want their free loading kids for two weeks. No, no, no. They "say" you can't break a strong marriage.. but men are hormonal dogs.. and all it takes is a little extra attention sometimes (not every case, some). why the f did he tell OW about your feelings on this? How rude. Bottom line- no to her kids there, dna test, and your family can come over because you two are married and your fam is his too. Those kids aren't.

I would have issues with this also. For starters, if I was leaving the country and leaving my kids I would make sure I knew the person keeping them. And I would make sure they were okay in my book. You said that the only times you've talked to her was when she was picking up her kids, but even then it was short and sweet. I wouldn't like that at all. I agree with you, there's more to the story. Best wishes.

umm, no, she needs to find someone else to watch her kids, you husband, her friend isnt going to be around to watch his friends kids, therefore..she needs to find someone else to watch them or your husband needs to stay with them..since he is her friend, not yours. since she knows he is not going to be around to watch her kids, she is assuming that he is going to pressure you to watch her kids..not much of a friend. is she willing to pay you? how much? if she isnt willing to go to the effort to talk to you about it, then tell her..NO...sorry, but i am not going to be available. i wouldnt worry about her being involved with him, but i would be concerned about her taking advantage of their friendship, which she is when she just expects you to watch her kids for 2 weeks while she is out of town and he isnt available..the less you make yourself available to be taken advantage of by miz freeloader, the less time your husband is going to have available. K. h. bottom line, she is a "mother" , not a "mom" who has no problem befriending married men , if only to convince them to get their wives or girlfriends to watch her kids for free..no wonder you dont like her!!talk to miz freeloader face to face and give her a cost per child, per day, it will cost her if she leaves them with you for 2 weeks..no breaks, no exceptions, no checks, no iou's..every time she tries to leave her kids with you, hold out your hand and say, SHOW ME THE MONEY..she will very quickly find another married man to use as a free kid sitter.