Having a Tough Time with Putting My Baby in Daycare.

Gosh I can not imagine how you feel. I have been blessed to stay at home with both kids.I have one suggestion though. Have you tried to find a SAHM who would be willing to watch your baby??? I have a good friend who has one son and she watches one other child. She has early childhood ed degree, first aid and CPR certified. She put her ad on Craigslist and had moms come and meet her.Now she has a line of people who want her to watch their child.In the past 3 years she had 3 kids come and go due to mothers becoming SAHM ,so she calls other person on the list, they pull their kid out of the day care and bring to her.Yes she is that good:)
Why am I telling you??? There are many more moms like that everywhere. Who have 1 child and would give your baby all the attention that they need(of course it would not be you, but still) and you would be surprised how much cheeper it would be too. Just an idea.

May I ask what daycare you are using? I can recommend a great daycare in Suffern, NY. It's where I bring my daughter. Granted she is 3 but I also have a 10 week old and while he is not there because frankly I just can't afford 2 kids in daycare and she is in the preschool part of it now so she needs it. She absolutely loves it there and so do I. It's a privately owned daycare and accreditted nursery school and it's really like a little family. They do children from 6 weeks to 5 yrs. If you have any questions about this place, let me know!

Hi K.,

My first child went into daycare at 8 weeks too. We went to the daycare before she was born to check it out, and I cried the entire way home... mind you, this was before she born and I actually loved the facility! Leaving your baby in someone else's care is one of the hardest, saddest, and most stressful things you'll ever do.

The changes in your babies habits and moods since daycare may be due to being a bit stressed... after all, she is in a whole new environment too, with different voices, sounds, lighting and smells. It is an adjustment for her as well as for yourself. This is normal and she should be fine shortly. Daycares seem to prefer working on a schedule even if your child really doesn't have one (mine didn't), because it helps them plan/schedule their day (changings and feedings) with the other children they are caring for. If you child isn't used to one, this can sometimes cause a bit of stress at first, until they settle in.

However, it sounds to me like you are unhappy with the care she is receiving and the staff at the daycare. If that is the case, I suggest you start searching for a new facility right away (as some have waiting lists). Being satisfied with and trusting of your daycare provider is of top importance. No amount of time will change this and it will continue to stress you out. You HAVE to be comfortable with the person/people taking care of your child or the stress will consume you. Of course, you will always have little worries, but overall, you should be able to live your day normally and be happy your child is having fun, being social, and is well cared for. Perhaps a daycare with a webcam would help ease you... you could "check in" occasionally without having to go into the daycare.

Also, to me, it sounds like you have may have a bit of post-partum depression (the sadness and crying a lot). This DOES NOT mean there is something wrong with you or anything like that. Most women get it to some extent just simply due to the havoc that changing hormones cause on your body after childbirth let alone additional stressors like daycare! I definitely experieced it to a degree myself. It is important to be aware of it, because if it gets beyond your control, overtakes you, or causes a lot of interference in your relationships (like with your husband, who you need on your side for support), you should talk to a doctor about it.

My last bit of advice... if you continue to use the daycare and end up being happy with it or even if you switch, try to work around the schedule they set for your child, it will end up being easier for your baby since she is spending most of her day there, she will adjust shortly. Also, it actually helps not to constantly contact and visit the daycare. I used to do that too... the daycare was right across from where I was working so at lunch, I'd pop in to feed her, to play, to visit... her daycare was great about it, and of course, it was my right to do so... but I finally realized I was really doing it for myself (making sure she was OK, just looking at her and holding her)... in actuality, I was disrupting her day and causing more stress when I left her again for a second time as if leaving her once in the morning wasn't enough.

I had to face it, I felt guilty for leaving her and I felt that by going to see her somehow made up for it a little. I had to come to terms with the fact that she had to be in daycare because I needed to work and that was how it had to be. I came to terms with it and learned to embrace it because as time went on she thrived there, made friends, learned a lot, did fun things and liked being there. It wasn't a substitute for the care that my husband and I gave, just an alternative during the day.

Sorry this is so long, but it is a topic near to my heart. Good luck with everything!

K.
(I am currently a 34 year old stay-at-home mom of three blue-eyed beauties... a 5 year old daughter, a 3 year old son, and a one year old daughter)

Hi K..

I'm so sorry that you are going through this and are feeling so stressed. It's very normal for you to feel this way. I didn't put my daughter into day care until she was two (2 months ago) but I had a lot of the same feelings and concerns.

It seems like you've only been going to your current day care for a few days. Unless you feel that your child is not safe and is being mistreated, then I’d give it a little more adjustment time. One thing that I did was give them a document listing what I want and expect from them and listing how I wanted my child fed, etc. I felt that by writing it down, they can refer to your child’s specific needs very easily. And remind them to refer to it. And keep updating it as she gets older and has different needs.

At 8 weeks a baby’s needs changes almost daily! I agree with the poster who said it will be easiest to have them set the schedule and for you to follow it. But I agree that they shouldn’t be waiting to feed her if that’s not what you’ve said to do. Keep reminding them and make your wants and desires clear. Remember – YOU ARE THE BOSS!!

And you SHOULD be visiting as often as you’d like. Especially if you’re nursing and have the ability to take a break and do so. Don’t tell your husband if he gets upset. It’s a mommy/baby thing that he’ll never understand. Enjoy your time together. Remember, both you and your husband (and baby) are adjusting to this new situation. It WILL get better and you all will find your routine!

And ignore posters who tell you to find ways to stay home. You are working so that you can provide your baby with what she needs and that makes you a fantastic mother. Don’t forget that. Just continue to do what feels right to you. Switch day cares if necessary and hang in there. Your baby loves you!!

He says neurotic, I say mother's intuition. I was where you are, and totally understand where you're coming from. I too struggled with different type of daycare for at least the first year, if not more. Initially my mom was going to be watching my son, but things changed and I had to be flexible. I enrolled him in a daycare at 7 months, and never thought I would have a problem with it, but I did. He became withdrawn when at daycare and wasn't his happy go lucky kid, so I took him out within a month and even lost the tuition for the following month. It was not easy, and I had to piece together who would watch him when. After trying out a couple of people at my home, which was more nerve wracking than anything so I ended up staying home for a while to spend time with the care takers to see how they were with him, I did find someone through family recommendation and life was good again. By then he was 14 months, so the first year I stayed home a lot, worked from home whenever possible, and pieced together between myself, my husband, and my mom. This meant that I always was rushing home to relieve someone, and affected my work as well but I didn't really care about that so much anymore. My priorities had changed by then. Depending on one person has its challenges, and you are at their mercy. It was the only thing that was going to work for me, daycare at that age was not an option. Around the time my son was 21 months I enrolled him part time in another daycare, and he loved it so much we slowly transitioned to full time. I think you need to re think the daycare situation, or at least research and visit some other ones close to you. Daycares are not for everyone, and were not for me when he was that little. I truly think the center I used back then was the main reason he was unhappy, and some daycares are not a good fit. You can also look into in home child care, either your home or someone you can trust. You are in a tough place, and have to be creative with your child care options. I really feel your pain; I used to cry everyday dealing with this issue. I hope you'll be able to find a better situation soon.

I am crying with you right now. If it helps, you are not alone in how you are reacting to this. My son started daycare at 10 weeks. I cried sooo hard when I handed him over that morning, I angrily ran out of the daycare center and then SCREAMED and Cried to my best friend in the car on my way to work. I truly felt like I was going to die those first several weeks. I ran out of work soooo fast that day to 'rescue' him. I hated the world. I hated the daycare staff. I called the daycare nonstop. I made my husband go in almost every day to be with my son - b/c he was closer to the daycare than I was. I had many conversations with my sons teachers, the director and the assistant director EVERYDAY. If I didn't like something, I made it known. I left detailed notes in his bag every morning. My son is 16 months and I am still the same way - although I don't call all the time (I still call sometimes) and we don't stop in anymore because he's to old now, he knows when he's being left. My only suggestion is to be respectful when you speak with the staff, don't be condescending or belittle them in any way (not saying you are) If you are respectful, then they should be respectful about you (even if you are being neurotic - its your RIGHT!) Dropping off at daycare was the WORST feeling I have ever had in my life and I still hold on to that feeling every morning now. What you are feeling is normal. You do whatever you are comfortable with so that you get through your days. The daycare staff should expect you to be "neurotic" and if they can't handle it then you should change daycares. As far as taking it out on your baby - if its a respectable facility they aren't going to take it out on your baby. They know how we feel. you aren't the only new mom doing these things. They should actually welcome it and encourage it. If you stay involved and in open communication you will know if something is not right. They should also respect any wishes you have - if they don't- again, change daycares. No one knows your baby better than you. No one will ever take care of her better than you. However, we mothers need to allow others to do our jobs sometimes and it can be a horrible thing to do. The men, they don't always get it and some men are afraid to "rock the boat" but this is your baby your talking about and YOU KNOW you would do anything for her so just keep doing it. Its this deep instinctual feeling that starts to take over at any given moment when it comes to your child. This is all TOTALLY NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hang in there. Follow your instincts and do whatever you need to do! As for your husband - just talk to him about it and tell him you need him to support you and understand you. My husband and I are still working on it - but again, it gets better. Another thought on your husband - he may never fully understand you so just realize that - you may need the support of other women - I find that no matter how much my husband tries I dont think he can fully understand my motherly neurotic thoughts/behaviors - but other mothers definitley can! ; )

K., pretty soon websters will put a new meaning for Mom in dictionaries mom-neurotic.
:)
it's normal what you're going through. but i have to say if your gut feeling is telling you things are not right at daycare, take her out and find another place even if you have to pay more. don't worry about feedings. eventually babies have to get on a schedule. 2-3 hrs is fine. unless, like you said, she's crying.
also, in meantime, have hubby drop by there unexpectedly to see how things are going. just for the time being. if i have learned anything during 4 years of motherhood is your gut feeling is never wrong. i ignored it just once and i still regret not following my instinct.

Hi K.!

Please know that every mom putting their child in daycare probably feels the same way. I put my little girl in daycare for an hour the first day and built her up to full time by the end of two weeks and I cried my eyes out that whole time leaving her. I will say 3 things though 1) please check out the NY Child and family website to ensure no citations or violations against a daycare http://www.ocfs.state.ny.us/main/becs/looking.asp 2) go with your gut no matter what your husband says :o) You may be neurotic but you have mother's instinct and 3) it isn't the quantity of time you spend with your child - it is the quality :o) (that little saying helped me get by each day)

I had an issue with the first child care and after putting my girls in another, I couldn't ask for anyone better. I was being neurotic for good reason at the first place and I didn't know about calling to find out about violations, etc. Definitely speak up if you feel something doesn't sound/seem right.

It will all work out and it will get easier too!
S.

I sympathize with you...I'm a SAHM, so I haven't been through this, but maybe you can find an individual to watch your baby....or maybe if at all possible, you and your hubby can sit down and find a way so you can stay home, even if it's just part time. My heart goes out to you, I can't imagine what you're going through.

Best wishes,
J.

Hi, K.

I feel your concern and I don't think there is nothing wrong with what you are doing it is your child. For me having met so many meet and greet daycare providers they tall said you can call anytime you want to check up on your child and some ven allow you to come see him/her. I am looking for a daycare for my son as well and he is 7 weeks. I to don't have the family support and I have been out of work since Nov. of o8 but prior to that i wasn't working due to being pregnant in 07 but I had a miscarriage at 4 1/2 months and then it took forever to find a decent job again then when i did find a job that's when i got pregnant with this child and i was high risk and the job i was doing wasn't suitable for me so after just 2 months into the job i quit because they couldn't replace in a different department.

I think when you told the provider to feed her if and when she cries because at this young age you don't know what it could be and if she tried everything and it didn't work then that's a different story, (and i mean tried everything such as fed her changed her wiped her down and if all fails then just hold her) for my son he only cries after all is done because i believed i spoiled him from early on in his first few weeks of life and they do get use to it, but eventually as he/she gets older you/we can change their pattern because we know providers don't have all day to hold one child that wants all the attention. I know my son and if he's cranky that's because he like's attention and i don't mean you have to hold him to give it to him he like's to be talked to played with just because they are that small doesn't mean they don't want attention.

As far as your husband he has to show more concern as well and not leave it up to you all the time if he see's that you haveing a problem with it he should step in. Kim have to tried talking to the provider and let her know your not doubting her (even if you are) but your concern because your child has never stayed up for that long while being fussy, you have ot voice your opinion and don't worry about what the think you are a parent now and your supose to be concerned.

My son pattern has changed a little he went from drinking 2 ounces every 2-3hrs when he was born and in the first and second weeks of being born he was drinking 3 to 4oz every 2-3hrs and now his new thing is drinking 4oz but instead of drinking the whole thing at once he breaks it up in half an hour increments after the first 2oz, so he will drink 2oz fall asleep and i thinking good i have 2 or 3 hours to sleep with him then he wakes up an half an hour later wanting more milk and then he goes to sleep for 2 to 3 hours. Maybe your little one is still hungry i started putting rice ceral in his milk on in the late hours of the morning so will sleep. some people said i should do it but i'm from a carribbean background and it has not proved my family wrong and hopefully it won't prove me wrong for doing it so early, but as a parent you have to use your own judgement and commonsense. Every person will have their own opinion. As long as he doesn't get sick or if it doesn't mess with his digesting system i'm ok with it, his doctor told me i shouldn't give him water and i was like why not if i don't let him acquire the taste he won't want it later and i refuse to give him juice all the time, i don't see why when we put water in the formula to begin with so how will it affect him??? long story short i give him a ounce a day.

As for your daycare situation if you don't like the way the provider is working with you and you baby fire her and get someone new just keep her there until you find another one who actually listens to you. GOOD LUCK

That's terrible! I would talk to someone in charge there- and try to find a better place. Our husbands never understand! You are not nuerotic, The staff may not know a lot about nursing babies, I would find out if you can educate them at all.
I am having the same issue with feeding, but my baby is 8 months old.

Find a copy of "Primal Mothering in a Modern World". While the author did some crazy and hairbrained things, a lot of what she writes addresses digging deep into ourselves to find that primal mother who will do WHATEVER she needs to do to work out a situation that meets the needs of her and her child.