Having Trouble Being a Single Mom

You don't have to be a single mom to feel that way. My 5 year old has had such a hard few years that I always felt that having the baby was a mistake and I have a husband to take the load off.

I have to go now but I will write more later.

You are not alone...and you are a great mother! I agree that you may have some postpartum blues going on, but I am sure there is more too it than that. It is so hard to be everything to everyone...when is there time for ourselves and our wants and needs? There probably isn't going to be for a while...sorry. Use the daycare as much as you can, to help yourself and the kids. Eventually they will adjust, just keep your chin up and stay firm with your 18 mo old. My daughter who is now 2 did the same thing, but now she is upset on the weekends when she doesnt get to see her friends at daycare. It is so hard to be a mother to a toddler and an infant.

Maybe you are having some issues with having no time for yourself and your wants and needs...I remember that too. Sit down make a list of what you want. Then plot the steps of what it takes to get there and go for it! If you work on something for yourself just a little each day, you will start seeing progress and feel a little better about yourself. You can still do it all! My mother always told me "your only as happy as you let yourself be"...I never completley understood it, until this year. Control the things you can and learn to deal or let go of the things you cant...just smile and go on. Find humor in the things the kids do that annoy you, it helps....shitty diapers dont stink near as bad when your laughing inside or outloud!

Good Luck and If you ever need to ____@____.com

Hi M.! You are doing great ok? Sometimes we single moms just need to hear that. It IS tough, but it also IS VERY worth it. I have been a single mom since conception, my daughter is 2 1/2 and i had to move several times with her by myself. There was always this blank space you know? Where the father should be...Oh well! He didn't care so he misses out, it is his loss and the more you think about it the less you will be able to see what a great thing you have and what a great person you are for trying and caring. I know you care because you are on here looking for some advice and maybe someone to talk to? You can call me anytime if you are feeling lonely or need to vent or just want to swap ideas, ###-###-####. No one should have to be alone, there are 6 billion people on this planet. Also, I think if you looked toward God in your heart and ask Him what He thinks you should do I think you might be surprised to know that if you let Jesus and God into your heart you will no longer feel helpless, alone, or incapable, and God WILL bring the joy back to your life and some confidence and make being a single mother the best thing that ever happened to you. It worked for me! Say I don't know where you are but if you would like I am at home all the time I have been fortunate to be home with my daughter, I may have to go back to work very soon but if Rock Falls is anywhere near you I can babysit for cheaper than daycare and I guarantee they won't hate it! Kids love me and if you want to e-mail fro any reason feel free to do that also, ____@____.com keep loving your kids and doing the best you can that's all you have to do, and don't worry there are people who have it way worse than you too, like your exes and other mom's who don't even love their kids. You are doing fine M.! Hang in there!!!

M.,

Hello Sweetheart! You are not alone. I got married for the third time with two little girls and my family literally torn apart, I feel like a horrible parent. I have been fighting a deepe suicidal depression for the last month. My youngest dad and I were together for 3 years before we got married and pregnant with her. Her older sister has a different father but loves her none the less. She at the moment s staying with my birth mother which is a fight all by itself. Please keep me posted at ____@____.com. I will continue to pray for you and your situation. After being with the hubby for three years I am all of the sudden faced with being a single parent yet again and having to learn how to live on just my income when I have had his for over 3 years now.

I too am a single mom. I have a 3-year-old and a 6-year-old. It was hard at first but I became a stronger person dealing with everything I had to deal with by myself. I've been dating a man now for 9 months but he just got sent to California with the Marines so I feel like I have to start all over again. It was VERY hard at first. I was depressed for about 2 weeks but then I thought to myself "You are stronger and this and you need to act that way because of your boys!" It took a LOT of adjusting on both our parts but we're a MUCH happier family now then we were when we were with their dad.

With the babysitter situation. I have gone through that too. I went through 3 sitters with my younger son. The first one REFUSED to give him naps because she said he told her he didn't want to. I talked to her MANY times about making him take naps to no avail. So I switched. That babysitter he enjoyed going to but she decided to take a job outside of home that had benefits (I couldn't blame her for that). The third one he would cry whenever he found out he was going there. He'd come home with bite marks, black eyes, the whole 9 yards and she would pretend like it just happened even if the marks were obviously from a few hours earlier. I switched again and now have the absolute BEST babysitter for him in the world. Every day he asks if he gets to go to her house. On weekends he wants to call and talk to her and tell her what he's been up to. SHe is a sahm who didn't intend on picking up any kids but I asked if she could help out for a week and loves having him so much she asked if he could stay. I would recommend looking into the daycare situation and see if there is a reason your little one doesn't like to go. There's not always a reason, just being apart from you is enough to make some kids upset, but some kids (like my son) had a reason to hate going to daycare. He is a much more polite and happy boy now that we've found him someone that cares and loves him and can spend time with him.

I hope this helps and good luck.

B.

Hi M.,
I wanted to tell you that you are a strong young lady. I know exactly what you are going through. You are not alone. I agree with what the others have posted. Keep your head up. This is a normal thing, stage, you will get passed this. If there is anything I can do or if you want to have a playdate, I live in Pacific, and I am a single mom with 4 kids, two boys, 13, 11 and two girls, 9,4. So if you ever need any one to go meet or chat with call me or email me. You will be ok. I have been and felt what you feel, and you will be ok. KEep your head up.
J. ###-###-####

Hey M.. I just wanted to say that you are a very brave and strong woman. You are doing this because there isn't a choice. You just must do. You are a mother. Maybe you are suffering from depression and being overwhelmed. It will get better. Do you have journal? Start writing all those feelings down. It will help you find some relief. (I second the Relacore! I am taking it for weight loss. Still trying to drop a few extra from the baby! BUT, it makes me feel great and less stressed!!)My husband is away for work at least two to three weeks out of the month, and we just moved from out of state...so I have been going through a period of adjustment. I find that I just have to be brave! Trying finding a mom's group to get out with and talk with or just a group of women to hang out with, even a book club would be great. And take some time for yourself. YOu are not superwoman and some days are going to be harder then others, so don't be afraid to reach out and call friends and family and ask for help!
(and no, your 18 month old is not going to hate you! It's just mom guilt and we all suffer from it! ;o) )
Feel free to email me if you want!

M.,
I may be way off base but just by reading what you have written you MAY have a mild case of postpartum depression. I would explain the situation with your OBGYN and see if there are any single parent support groups in your area. I know first hand what an overwhelming experience being a single parent is. It is one of the toughest jobs you will ever encounter! You do sound like a wonderful mother and I commend you for your exhausting efforts.
As far as the daycare situation, there are two possibilities for the "tempertantrums" one being that she is going through the typical seperation anxiety of you leaving her with someone else. And believe me (I do home daycare) I see it everyday. It is not fun at all for the parent's, but rest assured that as soon as you are out the door she is most likely playing and having a great time with the other children. I have two little girls in my care (one is 21 months and the other is 18 months) they both have fits when their mom's first drop them off but by the time she has opened the front door, stepped out of it and closed it, the children are fine. Another and less desireable situation is that the person running the daycare isn't actually in the right profession and shouldn't be doing child care at all. I'm not saying that she is mean to the children but maybe disorganized and everything is chaotic which causes some stress in little ones. I would speak with other parents to see how their children react. But no matter what, trust in the fact that your daughter will never hate you for having to hold down a job and leave her in child care. As she gets older she will actually see all the sacrifices you had to make in order to provide for them and keep them safe and happy.....she will commend you for a job that is more than perfect for her. You can feel free to email me anytime at preciousangels5 at sbcglobal dot net if you ever just need to vent about something. I pray that all gets better for you.

I just wanted you to know that in the past i was right where you are in your life only i was younger. i was engaged at the time with my youngest boys father and when he decided to try some other woman the marriage was broke off and i started getting into major depression and drinking. I lost all my children because i wasnt strong enough to stick it out and be there for my children. I have now my duaghter back but i never get to see the boys and i regret it everyday of my life. sometimes its hard to look at my daughter without feeling not worthy to be her mother and hope that she understands that i tried to get the boys back and for her to be in their lives. So know matter what happens dont make my mistakes and look towards others to help you out when your at your worst, and remmeber that god does not give you something he does think you can handle. ( something I wish i would of relize sooner)

Hello! I can't say I know what you are going through but I can relate a little bit... I am 23 years old my husband is 26. We have 2 children of our own and then we have two nieces living with us. Also I am a foster parent. It is very hard at times. I don't have grandparents for them to go to on my side and his side see them when they want to. We have NO time for nothing or each other. You can do it!!! Just keep your head up high. If she doesn't like daycare try another one, just because she throws tantrums doesn't mean you are a bad mom.. Sometimes they do that, I am sure it doesn't last long after you leave. By the way I go to school for childcare and I work full time. If you ever need any body to talk to I only live in Noble, OK. Let me know...

M.,i was married to my ex husband for 12 years i depended on him for everything he was a great husband he cooked,cleaned helped take of the kids then the day after thanksgiving 2003 he left us for a younger woman.all of a sudden i have 3 kids to care for a job and he left me a stack of bills.but what scared ne the most wa being a single mom i never had to do that alone.i was devistated.it was hard at first i was so depressed and cryed all the time i didnt know what to do.i eventually got used to being a single mom and it opened my eyes to a whole new world i knew those kids depended on me and me alone to care for them my divorce was awful for my kids.i felt i wasnt and couldnt do enough for them i also felt like a horrible parent.it takes time for kids to get used to a new routine.for 12 years they a stable life and a father and overnight it was taken away from them they are fine now my youngest son still has not adjusted to it completly he misses his dad even tho he see's him often.i remarried this june and my son and new husband do not get along i feel like i'm a referee more then a mom and wife.so i still struggle a little so just hang in there hon.keep in mind you are not a bad mom you have to work to care for your children.your kids know you love them and they love you.

Hi M.,
My heart really goes out to you and I just have to say that you are a brave woman, even if you don't feel like it right now. You have been blessed with three beautiful daughters and I'm so glad that you recognize that. You are my hero for being the Mom you need to be and just know that you are not alone. I will pray for you and please just know that God is just waiting for you to reach to Him and He will respond. I know this because I have experienced it in my own life. I encourage you to find a local church with a Mom's group or a community Mom's group that will help you connect with other Mom's. Sometimes it helps just to know that other women are going through the same thing, or just to have someone listen. As far as the daycare situation, my daughter went through a stage of separation anxiety at around 18 months also. I think it's just a stage that they are more aware of your absence and they need a little more reassurance that you will come back and get them later in the day. And you may consider a different daycare provider. Now my daughter is going to a larger daycare with more organized activities and she loves it. The tantrum throwing is probably a stage as well. She may not have the words yet to express her frustration so she's acting it out the only way she knows how. My daughter did the same thing until she realized that when she threw herself on the floor and started a tantrum that I would just walk away from her and not give her the attention she was wanting. (Except when this happened in a store and then I just had to pick her up and leave!) Actually I did that largely to control my temper because I didn't want to react to her out of anger. I would tell her as calmly as possible that when she was ready, I would hold her and talk to her. Now when she is getting frustrated I ask her to use her words...and you will have to teach her the words to say, like, I'm mad because...or I'm sad because....and eventually she will learn that she can communicate her emotions without the tantrum. I've also learned that when I respond to her calmly and not out of my own frustration that it helps to dissolve the situation before we have a meltdown! I don't think she's going to hate you for taking her to daycare:) I know it's rough and there have been many times when I left crying myself. But it did get better. It really helped me to talk to my daughter's preschool teacher who is trained in early childhood development and very experienced in teaching that age group. I know that my daughter's other in-home babysitters had good intentions, but didn't necessarily have the experience or training to know how to best address her needs. And not that one solution will work for every child, but it helps to have a teacher who has the resources to offer different solutions or who knows that if one approach doesn't work with a child, then maybe something else will. I'm sorry this is so long, but I hope something helps! I think a lot of Moms have moments when they question their competence or when they feel guilty for just wanting a moment away from it all. It can seem overwhelming, and that's when it's good to talk to someone, even if they just listen and empathize. I usually find that after I talk out a problem with a friend that it doesn't seem so impossible, and usually they are more than willing to offer help in some way.
I hope that you will just experience peace and reassurance that you are a great Mom, a real hero, and that you are making a huge impact in your daughters lives.

I just want to tell you that you are my hero. All single moms are. Even though I can't relate 100% to your situation, I feel for you and will pray for you and your girls.

you're a mom. Moms have more contact with the kids than dads n any given day. Give yourself a break. The kids have to get use to being away from you just like you have to get use to being away from them. Don't change anything, let it all work itself out. Believe me, it will

In my opinion, being a mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Being a single mom without a good support network is practically impossible! I highly recommend meeting local moms with children around the same age as yours. You can frequently have play dates, or respite times when you can take turns watching each others kids for a few hours.

This allows you to do your shopping, chores, or even just take a nice long relaxing soak in the bath without helpers or an audience! :-) Every mom needs a break from the kids and a chance to talk with adults.

Your children are quite small and you may have post-partum depression. Talk with your doctor and see if they can prescribe medication to help you get back on track (I highly recommend Lexapro!)

You also might consider checking with your church or local mom's groups about classes where you can organize your family and set rules and guidelines for your children and their father. You don't want your daughters to grow up thinking it is acceptable for the men in your daughter’s lives to be untrustworthy and undependable. It is never acceptable for men to behave in that way.

As for your daughter not wanting to go to the babysitter, is it separation anxiety or does she just not do well with the babysitter's style of interaction? You may want to consider changing providers if you think it's the interaction and not separation anxiety.

Hello M.... I would just like to tell you that you are not alone when you have these feelings. I am 18 yrs old, and I have an 8 mo. old son. I know you probably think I'm too young to understand, but I have been through a lot in the past 2 yrs alone. I am still in high school, and my boyfriend of 13 mo. has recently been kicked out of my parent's house. His priorities have become different since then, and I'm in the same boat with you now. Just know that you are never alone and that it is okay to cry, but there is such a thing as too much. I don't know you, but I bet you are a strong woman, and you can make it through. If not for yourself, then for your children! A lot of times problems get worse before they get better, but it will get better. If your negative feelings don't go away with a little bit of time, and your youngest 2 are still seeing their father when he comes around, maybe he shouldn't come around at all. A man might be nice every now and then, but if he causes more problems than you feel he should, just let him go. Making yourself sick over him isn't worth it. I wish you the best in whichever path you decide to take!
M. J.

Its normal at that age for little ones to have trouble adjusting to daycare. I've been a preschool teacher, and daycare provider, and have a 3 and 5 year old of my own, so I've been there. Just hold on, hopefully she will outgrow it. My younger son had a horrible time going to daycare at that age, (and I worked in the building!), but he does fine now. As for the single mom thing, I'm married, but my husband was in the military and has been on deployments and currently works out of town on construction jobs throughout the week, and it is rough sometimes. The only advice I can give there is just to stay strong. Focus on all of the wonderful times and the memories you are making with your kids, and on how much he is missing by not being there. God bless and I hope things get easier soon.

I am a single mom as well and believe me I know how hard and overwhelming it can be. I have a 2 and 4 year old and their dad only sees them when he feels like it and if he knows it's going to make me mad. I truely believe that being a single parent makes you one of the strongest people I know. It is so hard but it is also so rewarding. I am sure you are the best mom that you can be and your kids see that even though there are problems but they are kids and don't always know how to express themselves. I know you feel horrible having to leave you crying baby. I have been there with both of mine but she will adjust. It will take time but it will happen. It took my son probably 2 months to not cry when I left him at daycare now he shoves me out the door. LOL Well I hope this has helped even a tiny bit. Feel free to message me anytime you need a boost, I am more than willing to give you one.

{{HUGS}}
J.

Hi M.,
I have 3 kids also. My oldest is 10, then I also have a 3 year old and a 2 year old. With my oldest I was a single parent. And believe me, I understand your feelings about your ex. I felt the same things. I was so angry, and depressed, I couldn't go out and have fun anymore..I had a child to take care of by myself. I had alot of mixed feelings on whether or not I could do it on my own, and actually thought seriously about adoption..I was only 18 at the time. My family helped get me through it, and now looking back I wish I'd had this sort of website to help me. But, I have to say it helped make me who I am today. I'm stronger, more independant, and found out that you have to take care of YOU before you can even think about taking care of others. That includes your children. See a doctor, ask about a temporary course of anti-depressants. I had post-partum depression with my youngest, it will help and it doesn't mean you have to take them forever.
I had issues with daycare also, with my youngest two kids. I thought it was just seperation anxiety, but it wasn't. The daycare they were going to just wasn't the one for them. Too many kids, not enough supervision. Now, they love where they go. They always ask when they get to go back to her house, though my youngest had a little of the seperation anxiety even with this one. She eventually outgrew it. So, my advice is to make sure the daycare you're using is right for your kids. They may just need another one where the providers will pay more attention to them. It could be just seperation anxiety, but it might be something worse. Check them everytime they come home for marks, diaper rash (that would indicate they aren't changing them enough), and behavior changes. If there's no telling evidence, give it a week and see if they calm down. If they don't try another provider. It's always better to be safe than sorry. You are not alone, we're here for you. Whenever, for whatever. E-mail me if you want to talk, vent, advice, anything: ____@____.com. I'm never too busy for a friend in need. One last thing...pray. I promise there is nothing more comforting than hearing from our Lord that we're doing a good job. Hang in there, it gets better.

S.

First thing I would recommend is to find a Mother's Day Out group in your area. Even if you have to drive a bit, it might be worth it to have some adult contact other than family. Check the churches...sometimes they have programs like that.

Second, get Relacore. They have it at Wal-mart and it's the best all-natural antidepressant I have ever taken! Believe me, I have been on several antidepressants. They've only made it worse for me with side effects and I became so forgetful that I forgot to get my daughter at school one day. By all means, talk to your doctor first but tell them you want to try Relacore. Most doctors won't mind.

Relacore is shown on T.V. as a weight loss pill but I take it solely for depression. It helps relieve stress. I feel better than ever! :) Just be sure to take it as directed and don't take your last dose too late at night or you might have trouble sleeping. Relacore has NO dangerous chemicals or herbs (no Ephedrea, caffeine, etc) so you can feel safe taking it.

I know I sound like a commercial but I can't stress enough how much of a positive impact Relacore has made in my life. I only hope it works as well for others.

I am 28 and I am a single mom of a five year old boy. I completely understand your frustrations. Feel good about yourself I got so down and out about being a single mom I sent my child to live with my parents for about a year. I missed him so much I was so happy when he came home. It is very hard and I still struggle with it. Friends and family are the best things you can have, and someone just to vent to occasionally.

I don'tknow you so I don't know exactly if this applies but just from reading your email, I believe it sounds to me that your trouble goes beyond single momhood. It sounds to me that you are depressed and should concider some therapy.

If you can find a support group, live, of other single parents it also would help.