Having Trouble with New Step-daughter

hi R.
i can relate to you in away...when i met my husband he had 2 sons and 2 daughters...the one daughter that was in his life already came over all the time and we got close i dont know what happen but she turned on me and dont want anythign todo with neither one of us,,,it hurts she is 14 and i loved the fact of having a girl cuz my son is all i had...my husband informed me shortly after we got married that he had a teenage daughter out their some where,,,it bothered me but i wa glad he told me we then found out that it was true, and she wanted a relationship,,,well i guess after a year of being in touch with her seeing her...etc...she decided she dint need us in her life,,,she is now 18...back to the 14 yr old...she didnt like the way things were around here...which they were not bad i just dont get it...i guess it is normal to feel the way wd do, but we have to go on for the rest of our family...hope to talk to you and you willbe ok
L.

You getting on your son has nothing to do with her and is no reason for her not to visit. If he is not listening you have every right to to get on him. You need to set your rights up legally so there will not be problems. Her mother also has no right to deny visitation.

Welcome to step-parenting 101. She'll get over it eventually. The thing is that she's young and the rules that you and your husband have may be different than the rules or lack there of that she has. If she doesn't have many rules to follow or no consequenses for breaking the rules and your son does, then chances are that yeah she feels like he gets in trouble all the time. Not to mention the fact that if she has no other younger siblings then she's not used to the fact that you son is 2 and does get in trouble all the time because that's what 2 year olds do. Most 2 year olds don't listen and they get into everything because that's how they learn about the world around them and they have to have consequenses for their actions...at that age especially or they'll never learn right from wrong. Also kids from divorced families usually...not always but usually tend to want their mom and dad to get back together again and the step parents are viewed as a threat because you're in their mind preventing it...that alone will make her stand off ish about things. My step-daughter ran me through the ringer. But once she got used to the idea that I'm not going anywhere and she's stuck with me, she settled right in. Now she talks to me more than she does her own mom and dad. And when we have her on the weekends, she spends most of her time hanging around with me. I don't treat her any different than I do my own kids. But then thing is...unlike her own parents, when ever she needs me, I'm there and I always have her back. She tells me that atleast I care about her...and she's mentioned a few times that she would rather live with me and send her dad to live with her mom. But I have rules and consequenses in my house and kids actually like that.

Hello R.:

I do think it is important to enforce the visitation order. You can not change your values or the way you discipline your son to meet her speciations. I see you work in a day care so I am sure your discipline is within reason.

Kids say things and I am sure your son is not in trouble all the time, even so, he is only 2 and I remember the terrible two's, lol.

I think at any age it is important to talk to them about what is going on and why your son is in trouble at that moment. I also wonder if you have been calling her by phone. This is all new to her being that you have just found out about her after 6 years, so that is surely scary to her as well.

Maybe she has not been around many other children I don’t know, seems that she would not just come back due to that, are you sure the mother has not intervened as well. Of course I don’t know your situation, but I would try calling her and also sticking to a routine of the every other weekend visitation that way she can experience the way you and your husband live.

I think after a few more months she will be more comfortable, but we are creatures of habit, so the more time she spends with you and your family the better I feel. I don’t know if this has helped any and it is just my opinion as well. I do wish you the best of luck.

If know how you feel and it is normal. My sugestion to you is let the attorney handle it because if you or your husband tries to do anything on your own then more trouble will become of it. Just hang in there.

I have been and am still going through what you are. I am 28 years old and I have a 15 year old step-son and 14 year old step-daughter, with different mothers. My husband and I now have a 2 year old son. Kids will always try to get the upper hand by pitting parents against each other. They're not bad kids, they are only testing the limits. You have to communicate with her mother, whether you get along or not. The first thing I would do is set up mediation and get your visitations put in writing. That way her mom has to bring her over or let you pick her up, whether your step-daughter wants to or not. This will probably be a never ending battle, and trust me, when they become teenagers, it gets 10 times worse because they have social things they want to do instead of come to your house. Don't give up because she needs all of you in her life, and it will all be worth it in the end. Most kids say they "Hate" thier parents at one time or another, but they do grow out of that. Good luck and don't give up.

Kids are great aren't they? It is common for kids to say things that they believe is true even when it is not. For example; My youngest says she is always last when we do things. This is not true. We take turns and everyone has to be last sometimes. To her, she feels like she is always last so she says it is so. I wouldn't worry about it. As far as everything else, I'd let the attorney handle that. Email me anytime. ____@____.com