Hearsick Confused Mom - Adult Daughter Issues What to Do??

Her behavior was NOT because you were late. I suggest finding a quiet time after the holidays, just the two of you, to talk with her calmly about what is really going on in her life. She's the only one that can tell you "what gives". Don't bring up any of this, or make any judgements, just listen. Only you know if she is prone to this type of behavior, but if she's not, I would be concerned about the stress level in her life and would express that concern to her.

(Really, if it was normal or OK to scream at a person and call them a psychopath for being late to come over to a family member's (or friend's) house, I'd be screamed at constantly... )

I am a very prompt person. My close pal is not. She told told me last week that she feels boxed in when she does outings with me because I always set meeting times and make it seem like 'work'.

I thought that is what adults do.

How late were you? Honestly.

Exactly how late?. You said a few minutes but was it really longer? Do you have a track record with her of being late and/or unreliable? I don't think you were wrong to assume to bring the present later, considering it was an adult get together and you live so close. But there is def more going on here to get that kind of reaction.

ADD: In the SWH, you're complaining about her..."she's not the only one with stress". I don't know how long you stayed with your ex, BUT if you stayed for any significant amount of time - if you didn't leave immediately - she has emotional scars from that. SHE was a child at the time - you were an adult. She didn't have coping skills, which is obvious since her teen years were horrible - "I had issues with her" - well guess what, SHE WAS HAVING THE ISSUES herself. Were they dealt with? Did she you get her any help?

She's an adult and responsible for her behavior, BUT there's a whole lot of stuff going on here.

ORIGINAL: OK - you KNEW she had plans for the day with her ex (stress) and extended family (more stress), she has an active 3 year old (traveling with a kiddo is not simple). You were LATE because you were having fun opening YOUR presents, and you didn't call her until AFTER you were late.

Then you wanted to hold her up so you could see your grandchild open presents - WHEN YOU KNEW SHE WAS ALREADY STRESSED AND RUNNING LATE.

Yes, she overreacted and freaked out. But you know what? You had a part in this. It's not all poor you. If it's always all about you, this might have been the last button pushed.

If you don't get to see your grandchild alone, even though you live close... that tells me there's more to this than "poor heartsick me".

I feel like this story is very one sided. How late WERE you? What else was going on in her life? Do you have a history of being late or disappointing your daughter or grandson? Did she and her family have other plans that you were holding up by being late? Does she not get along with your husband? There's a lot to this story that doesn't make sense. People don't just do what you're describing without a little back story without true mental illness, which your story does not suggest.

ETA: I agree 100% with Tracy - in a split family, she needed to get her son to his father's house, or her father's house, or wherever else she was supposed to be, and your "need" to see your grandson open his gift and your lateness was probably holding them up. My inlaws give a TON of gifts to my children, but not to make the children happy but because they love being praised for their gifts. It drives me nuts, because it's not true generosity. If my kids don't gush enough about the random socks and hair ribbons they send (which I always make sure they do), they will continue to ask, repeatedly, what they thought of them. It's sad, actually. Your "need" to see him open the gift is similar, and it's what threw off her whole day. Christmas is stressful enough, but I have to say, even without hearing her side of it, I can see why she'd be angry.

ETA again: and by the way, if you were supposed to be there at 10 and you were late enough that she called you, remember that three year old was up at 5 or 6 and they may have needed to be somewhere for a mid day meal. That's a long time for a little one to wait around for late grandma.

Considering this is a first question I am having a bit of trouble with the details. You gave him the gifts while your daughter was in her bedroom but then you go on to say you didn't see him? The other odd thing is most grandmas would have more concern about how the poor child is reacting to all the yelling rather than their own feelings.

Seems to me this is either made up nonsense or there are far more serious issues going on here than you have conveyed in this post. Nothing about this sounds like any of the actors are emotionally healthy.

The more I read this the more I wonder if you are the toxic person. She lets her step mom watch her son but not you? I had to cut my mom out of my kid's lives for a while, that is not something daughters do without a lot of thought. Based on nothing but my history with my mom it sounds like she has had it with your toxic drama making and is putting her foot down.

You act like you were a few minutes late but that isn't possible. You opened gifts to the point you were already late enough she called, then you got ready? how long did that take? You were at least an hour late and on top of that left your husband at home to create more drama, more time wasted.

All of this is about you.

ETA: Per you SWH, OK your daughter is difficult and has been for many years. You still haven't taken ANY responsibility for your part in this whole fiasco. Yeah, she totally blew it out of proportion. However, YOU were still late and inconsiderate of her time. At the very least, you need to apologize to her for your bad behavior.

Truly bad behavior all around.

There has to be way more to this story all around. You sound like my MIL to an extent...she refuses to ship any gift to my kids (she lives about 2 hours away). If she does not get to see them open the gifts, then she does not give gifts at all. She will tell them about gifts and then almost hold me hostage to set up a meeting.

Obviously, your husband is not her father. Is there bad blood there? If so, then why the heck would you want to bring your husband to your daughter's house? It doesn't make sense.

And why were you late? It WAS inconsiderate for you to be late considering that you KNEW that she had at least TWO other places that day. Haven't you ever been pulled in a million different directions by multiple people? I suspect that was your daughter on Christmas. Have you stopped to consider that maybe their divorce is not easy and you might have caused a problem between them because YOU made her late to his house as she agreed? This was not a problem that she needed that day.

If your goal was just to see your grandson open his presents, why didn't you schedule it for a day before or after Christmas knowing how crazy busy your daughter was that day? It seems like the entire hassle could have been avoided this way.

Like I said, I think there is a lot that you are not saying here...is there a history of you being late for things? Lateness is my personal pet peeve and it would absolutely drive me batty if you did this every time that we got together.

That being said, your daughter was nasty and so were you. I don't know how late you were, but she should have probably just told you that she was due to be somewhere else at x-o'clock and you would have to meet up later or sometime else. Neither one of you exhibited nice behavior in front of that little boy....

Welcome to mamapedia!!

I don't feel like we are getting the whole story.

1. How late were you? If you were to be at her home at 10AM and didn't show or call by 1030 - she has every right to be pissed.

2. Why does she not like your husband? I take it, he's NOT her dad?

3. Did you KNOW she had other places to be and what time she needed to be there? You stated that he's a tad excitable....so she probably needed time to get him ready, in the car and out the door??? So were you rude about her time/schedule?

4. Has your relationship with her been acrimonious for a while or did it just happen?

5. You obviously get along with the other grandmother. Does she treat her this way as well or is there another problem you didn't tell us?

So tell me why you aren't concerned or didn't mention your grandson's reaction to all of this? did he notice his mom's tirade? was HE upset?

How much respect do you show your daughter? Do you realize how hard it is to raise a child on your own? I guess I don't think we're getting the whole picture/story.

Maybe you should suggest family counseling for you and your daughter to have a mediator help the two of you learn to communicate better and get along?????

I agree that there must be more to this story than a one time incident. What is the relationship like between you and your daughter other than this incident?

It sounds like your daughter's behavior was over the top for you coming late this one time, but was it really about this one time?

Why is it all about your grandson? What about your daughter? As others have asked, how late were you really? If you wanted so badly to see your grandson open his gifts, you and your husband could have done yours AFTER being at your daughter's at the agreed upon time. It sounds like she had a full schedule for the day. It might have been better, if you were insistent on seeing the little guy open his gifts, for you to have seen them the day before or after Christmas.

I can only know and comment on what you've told me in your post, and your post seems very "all about me." Everything was about how you wanted to see your grandson open his gifts on Christmas, no matter what else your daughter had going on. Is this how your relationship is defined? Is so, you may want to change your outlook on the situation, and be more considerate of your daughter, who is a single mother raising an active child while trying to balance the custody issues and both of the grandparents getting time with him.

This may just be the strangest post I've ever seen. A few missing pieces (as others have mentioned) are exactly how late you were, how you could justify opening your presents as being more important than being there so see your grandson open his, the lack of consideration for your daughters other plans that day, and most importantly, if this is a recurring issue. You were BOTH dead wrong having a screaming match in front of a baby. On CHRISTMAS. forget about your Christmas being ruined, or hers being ruined. I'm more sad that you both ruined it for a 3 year old. That spells bigger problems than one incident, and you both need to fix THAT first, and immediately.

Your daughter had a very stressful day packed with being at several different places at different times of the day. You agreed to be at her house at 10 and when you knew you weren't going to be there at 10 you should have called to let her know. Instead you waited until after 10 and by that time she'd already picked up the phone to see what was going on. Sorry but I think the blame for starting this is totally on you.

So at this point I guess you can either stand your ground on how out of line she was (and yes she was out of line) or accept that you played a major role in this by imposing yourself into Christmas day, not showing up on time, and then screaming back at her. In other words you can either be right or you can eat a little crow and see your grandson.

Call your daughter and start off with 'I'm so sorry for everything that happened on Christmas day. I should have called to let you know that I wouldn't be there at 10 as soon as I noticed the time. I know you had a very stressful day planned and I should have been more considerate. I am truly sorry and hope you will forgive me.' Better to be humble and remorseful than to stand your ground when you are wrong too. She may or may not own up to her part. That's ok if she doesn't Be the bigger person and get that relationship back on track as quickly as possible so the hurt doesn't fester and keep you from having that close relationship with your grandson.

It's impossible to give you specific advice when the story is told completely from one side. It sounds as if you have NO insight into why she would act that way and that seems strange, there must be some history here.

Maybe you and your daughter could speak with a professional. At the least try scheduling a time to speak with her privately after the holiday stress has passed.

When you do speak try not to:
a) be defensive
b) induce guilt
c) pass judgement
Listen more than you speak and try to really hear what she is saying.

Good Luck!

I have just one question. Is this the first time she's acted this way or is this typical?

One observation not mentioned thus far is that your focus seems to be your grandson. Your post sounds like you were disappointed that your grandson was' nt at lunch. I wonder if she feels that you don't care about her as muchas you do your ggrandson.

If that's the case I would ask for more time with her. Let her know that she is precious too. Be interested in her. I suggest if you cared about her and her day you would've not gone over on Christmas day.

Wow. I skimmed a few of your responses and am shocked that some people think this is your fault. From what I'm reading, it sounds as though you just wanted to see your grandson open his gifts. It sounds like you didn't care what time. You sound flexible. I don't have any advice, but I do have a thought. Based on what you're saying your daughter sounds bipolar. My SIL was diagnosed with bipolar about 6 years ago, at the age of 40. What you describe your daughter doing is EXACTLY what my SIL used to do, especially to her mother. She would scream at the people she loved most. I married into the family (when SIL was 28 years old) and always felt I was walking on eggshells with her. None of us knew what it was at the time, but it was stressful and uncomfortable. What finally happened was my SIL was pushed over the edge and disappeared for a week. She left her husband and 4 little girls, and disappeared. They finally found her and got her into a hospital. It's been a LONG road since then, but things have gotten a lot better. I actually enjoy being in her company now, when she is on her medication. So I don't know what you should do in your situation. It may have to come to something crazy like it did for us before she'll get help. I imagine if you try to bring it up with her she'll just freak out and say nothing is wrong with her. Mental illness is so hard. I'm sorry you are going through this. Of course, I could be completely off base here. But from what you've said, that sounds like what it is. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.

Depression does not mean that a person sits around crying.
It can make some people impatient and short tempered. It presents itself sometimes very suddenly,totally out of the blue.

I was in denial about my aggression and impatience and scattered needs.

Here is the deal, I would not listen to anyone that told me I was not acting myself. I would lose it with the people I was closest to. My mom, my husband, my close friends.

But I could hold it together around others.,
Mental illness sounds like a person is crazy and I was not crazy, I just felt out of control of my emotions..

It took me realizing I was not myself, that I was upset with everyone. When I began to not hold it together with our daughter, I realized this was out of control.

I finally went to the doctor and broke down crying saying I was just not myself. He looked at my age, that I had given birth about 2 years before and there was a lot I was dealing with. He sent me to a Psychiatrist and thank goodness, I was able to drive myself. I had told my husband if I could not do it, or made an excuse, to push me in the car and drive me myself..

What a relief to realize this was normal and there was a way for me to work through this,.

Your daughter needs your compassion (which will drive her insane at this point, no pun intended) and it may take a few people mentioning to her that this young mother blues hits many many women, especially at her age..

If she will not listen to you, think of a person she is super close to like a friend, that maybe has had this experience. It will help her at least consider this chemical imbalance in her brain is causing her to act out. But there is help.

I feel like there was something significant left out.
At the beginning of your post, you describe your daughter as rather rational and thoughtful. She chose to honor her time with you and your sister by not bringing her son to a restaurant where it would be challenging to keep him settled and busy.

You make some remark about being late, but don't say "how" late.

And then the drama. Sorry, maybe my life is a bit sheltered, but there's just something that doesn't quite figure into this story... most people I know who are regularly thoughtful, rational people do NOT go off like this.

So, I have to wonder-- how late were you?
The reason I ask is that you seem to feel your lateness shouldn't be of consequence to her. And you contradict yourself-- first, you say that you got to give your grandson his presents, then you say that you didn't get to see him?

All I can think is that either this is a really tall tale written by a kid on break (because, again, most usually rational people don't go off like this unless it's on some weird "Housewife" reality junk) or that there's a piece of critical information missing.... and until we have ALL of the information, I have no clue as to how to advise you.

or, perhaps you are just very, very manipulative and self-centered and trying to make yourself look like the wronged party? Please see Patricia G's answer above mine... that actually makes sense!

I will repeat what others have said...

This is very one-sided and all about you. You sound a lot like my mother. Are you the youngest child?

First, you should have taken the gift to the dinner. The gift was for your grandchild. It isn't about you or the reaction at this age. He's 3. The gift shouldn't be about how it makes you feel.

Next, if you tell your daughter you are going to be some place, you should try to be there 15 minutes earlier than you state so you will be there on time. She has a 3 year old. She is a single mom and it's already stressful! She needs to be able to count on you, not make excuses for you.

This was your fault... Take responsibility! You are 60!

Hi, E.:

It's a New Year. Contact the Co-Dependents' Anonymous support group in your area.

It's time for you to take care of yourself. Let Go of the past.
You made your parenting mistakes. We all do. Learn about
yourself, what you want for your life, and love your husband.

Volunteer in a homeless shelter with women who need a woman who cares because of her experiences in life.

Good luck.
Happy New Year.
D.

Based on your SWH - you are saying that she had been a difficult person since the age of 11 and has almost no friends left. If that's true, why are you here? Why ask "what gives" if that's her history? I'm not buying it. it doesn't make sense.

Pretty much every person saw this the same way, stating that you were out of line and responsible, at least to a certain extent. Your response to that is to say we all misunderstood you and jumped on you? Really? Or did everyone just tell you something you didn't want to hear? It's obvious you accept no responsibility for anything. Again, why are you here?

I remember a time when my parents wanted to watch my kids open their Santa gifts. Try holding a 4 yo and 2 yo off until 9am when they are ready to open. My point is that 3 year olds are excited and they can really pluck your nerves Christmas morning.

I think you and your daughter should have made arrangements about time and place to open gifts long before when you actually did. I don't think it is wrong that you want to see him open the gifts. But maybe it doesn't have to be done on Christmas Day when everything else is crammed in.

If you are describing your daughter correctly, she sounds bipolar. Having a bipolar relative, I can tell you that they can flip personalities at the drop of a coin and you never know what you are going to get. Hopefully someone can convince her to get help before she looses everyone.

As others have said -- the progression of the events is a bit confusing. Maybe you can clarify.

As you describe it, it sounds as if she veered very suddenly from angry to OK to furious again within a span of just minutes. I guess that could be stress as some posters say, and if she actually had to drag her poor, super-active little kid to THREE holiday "things" (you at her house; taking him to ex's house; taking him to other grandma's house) in ONE day, I bet she was indeed stressed. Next year I'd plan with her far in advance for your holiday visit to take place in some other way -- see her Christmas Eve if that works for her, and not Christmas Day, or see her on the day after Christmas (little kids just do not know or care!).

It is still worrying that she veered so swiftly from one emotion to another -- and the huge red flag to me is when you say she "left a threatening message that if I went to lunch with the other grandma she would take off work and give me major problems." That's....stunning. Why would she try to control your seeing the other grandma? Why would any responsible adult and parent talk about leaving work to hassle her parent? What does she mean by "major problems"?

Is there a lot more going on here than you are saying? Because this kind of behavior sounds unstable and irrational. Do you think she could be either so stressed she needs help, or possibly -- sorry, I have to say it -- on drugs or drinking to relieve that stress? Does she otherwise try to control you? Does she have issues with the other grandma? Does she think somehow that you and other grandma are plotting behind her back, or talking about her? (I have a relative who believes everyone spends all their time talking about her and plotting to do mean things that do not ever actually happen. She is mentally ill but won't get treatment.)

What's really going on?

There is a WHOLE lot more to this story. This is almost impossible to answer without background on your relationship. I'm wondering why, if you live so close, you didn't have any real Christmas celebration together as a family? Plus your comment about her being divorced seems very disapproving so I suspect there are issues there as well. Maybe this was the last straw for your daughter. I doubt you are an innocent party in all of this.

I gave this a lot of thought over the past couple of days and this is what I think; the day your daughter grows up and realizes how very fortunate her little son is to have two living Grandmothers that love him and care for him and have the ability to provide gifts and their TIME for him-she will be a better person and mother. She should also be grateful for the fact that her mother has married a man who clearly loves her mother and wants to be a part of his wife's , daughter's life and his step daughter's son's life. You have this family, such as it is, and it is loving and caring and way ahead of most families-God bless you and good luck.

Could she be p.m.s.ing? It sounds like maybe hormones?

When she first started screaming, I would have asked her what the real problem was. Obviously something was bothering her. What was she anxious about?

It sounds like she's super on edge. Something must be going on in her life. I wouldnt rule out drugs or alcoholism. Normal people dont act like that.
Sorry you had to go through it, it's not your fault tho I'm sure--- sounds to me as if she has major issues.