Heeeeeeeeeeeelp!!

Have you thought abould holding the party someplace public for kids? Those parties are generally shorter and I doubt they allow alcohol or other "adult" substances around.

I do know how you feel. We tend to separate things. We do big gatherings with my family, and his family will give cards or just drop by to give birthday gifts. In the last few years we have adopted a vacation for birthdays policy. We go camping in the summer for the youngest one's and get a hotel room for the oldest. The only present they actually get from us is a cake and a card. Big birthdays never seem to work out for us. And honestly, don't feel bad of how they think of you. I have been accused of thinking I am perfect, simply because I don't allow these things in front of my kids. I just laugh to myself anymore. I do tend to bite my tongue a bunch, and limit visits. This Christmas is going to be at my house to say the least. haha. Just thought I'd let ya know you're not alone. Good Luck. :)

Shannon, you're doing the right thing. Good job taking a stand!

Don't worry about your 16 mos. old and the b-day parties. He's too young now to ever remember what you did on his 2nd, 3rd, 4th birthday. Just make a cool cake and get his pic blowing out the candles. My first son was 6 before we were able to adopt my daughter. He got lots of stuff, being the first and only kid that my other two didn't get - but they're getting some things he didn't. As long as you show lots of love and listen to them, everything evens out over time.

Sounds like you're in a tough spot with your inlaws. Give your hubby some extra snuggles for supporting you. He's in a tough place too.

That's crazy!!! Maybe you should just invite your side of the family and see how they like not being a part of your sons' lives. If they can't let go of the drinking and drugs for the kids then they do not deserve to be a part of their lives. When the kids get older they will ask and you can tell them. They will understand. Besides do kids at this age really rememebr their birhtday partie? All they care about is cake, ice cream and presents. If I were you I would just write them right out of the family until they were willing to change. Hope this helps.
H. F.

This is such a hard topic to deal with. My situation is very similar...except for the drugs and drinking. My issue with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law are as follows. They always seem to ruin family get together's. My sister-in-law is very rude and just out right mean. My mother-in-law has a problem with everything. They are both very jealous people, so I think they are always bitter about something. I've gone as far as not talking to them for long periods of time. I've tried to confront them about this, but that got me nowhere. After I confronted them they both were extremely upset with me. For what reason I still don't know. I was just being honest with them about their behaviors. I've tried writing them a letter. Also went horribly wrong. And I've tried to be as kind to them as I possibly could. In the end nothing has seemed to work out. They are extremely difficult people, and don't really seem like they want to change.
So with that, I've just decided to be up front and honest with them when I have a problem. Even if I know that it won't do a whole lot. That way I know that I at least tried to make the situation better. How does your husband feel about this? Does he back you up 100%? I know it's tough for the guys to stick up to their side of the family when their are issues. I dealt with that as well. I am happy to say that my husband and me are on the same page finally. It just took a little while to get used to dealing with a completely different family.
At some point if things get really bad and they are not willing to change. You have to do what is best for your family. IF that means not inviting them to family functions until they agree to shape up. Then that is what has to happen. Maybe reality will set in for them and they will change. It's worth a shot.
Good luck!!

I just wanted to offer you some encouragement to stay firm in your beliefs to protect your kids! It sounds like you're doing the right thing, though I would say that anyone who came around your kids with drugs or even while on drugs or who drinks irresponsibly around them (leaves cups at their level, gets drunk, etc) simply shouldn't be invited to events you host. This may even get you more "on the outs" with the in-laws, but it will be far better for your kids in the long run to be raised in a healthy environment with only part of their extended family and in an unhealthy environment with all of them. As for not wanting to short-change your little one, you could do some mommy-and-me classes or mommy and kiddo groups while your older son is in school (or just go to places like the park and the library) to meet other mom with little ones. That way your son would have some of his own friends that you could invite to his events and you would meet some new friends as well! I'm sure this is tough to go thru and to feel like you're being shunned, but it doesn't sound like your in-laws are all that nice to begin with. It sounds like you need to have the "better off without them, at least while they continue to act like this" mentality.

Shannon,

I have a similar situation with my family too. So our parties have been limited to 12-3 in the afternoon and we do not have alcohol in the house at the parties. Soda, juice, milk and water. This is time to be focused on the kids not adults! I plan activites for the kids, have lunch/cake, open presents and done! Leave it at that. The birthday boy/girl only needs that. I also understand not wanting to be the bad guy in other people's eyes. But these are your kids not theirs, you do what you see fit for your kids. My husband has no choice in that to me. I plan the parties and he helps on that day. He may complain he'd like a beer with pizza, but he has a soda instead. My in-laws are alcoholics as well! Then the other set are extremely religous. So I have all angles to consider. One offends the other and so on! At least my parents just go with the flow, and watch the silly behavior of the others.
Stick to your guns and don't back down. Your kids will have the best day ever regardless!
K.

your 16 month old is not going to know the difference. have the party for him when he is old enough to know the difference. As far as your husband and his family at the parties.... At least drinking is legal but drugs??? Its illegal. I would be the first person to call the police. I am fortuante the the deputy sheriff lives in my neighborhood so I would just invite him to make people feel uncomfortable. I can partially relate- my family drinks to much as well but we typlically have the parties earlier in the day so its not an issue. when I was younger we were allowed to drink at social gatherings and of course I didnt see anything wrong with that but now that I am grown with children of my own- 7, 5 and 19 I do not accept that. its not ok. I was snubbed becauce I wouldnt let my 19 year old nephew drink at my sons party. oh well.... my house, my rules. Who is right? If you believe you are right then dont feel bad or guilty. stand by your morals and values.

I would also like to add- what about the parents who allow their children get you a beer? I have gone to these parties where a 6 year old is asking me if I would like another beer? I am appauled! My sister was guilty of this- her ten year olds would fix you a gimlet if you asked them too. needless to say they are older and have trouble with alchohol.

Hi Shannon: When my son was little, we had parties for him that were just our friends. Adults, some kids. Kids that age don't really have friends, and they're excited by the crowd and the attention. Also, cake! Give him some candles, balloons, have everybody sing, and he will be thrilled. You're doing the right thing to keep your kids away from drugs. Don't be too hard on yourself.

L. (mom of Ian, 4)

You have a primary responsibility to your children and the children who attend the party. If you feel your family members will be either on drugs or using while at the party, they have then lost the privelege to join in on the festivities. If they shun you, so be it. Your children and the children attending your son's birthday party are your first responsibility. If your family members cannot respect that this is a child's event they are not welcome. I can tell you as a parent, if I found out my children were at a birthday party with such guests I would be furious and honestly, would probably give you a good piece of my mind. (I'm just being honest!)

My husband and I have had to keep a very close family member out of our lives since our second daughter was born 20 months ago. She puts us in similar situations and we decided that our primary focus is protecting our children and to prevent them from seeing or hearing things that us adults oftentimes fool ourselves into thinking they don't see/hear. It was very rough at first, very combative. However, she has realized over time that she was the cause of the distance we put in place, not us. Her behavior and lack of respect for the boundaries we wanted to set in place for the sakes of our chidren were what caused us to refuse her the opportunity to see our children. An understanding has slowly been reached, although it was painful to get here, and we are even more slowly working toward a trust and building a new relationship. When she will see our girls we don't know, but she also knows that the trust needs to be earned.

Good luck!

Don't worry about your 16m old's birthday yet. He's too young to really understand anyway. You can still make it special for him by having a big cake and balloons etc. with just the four of you. When he gets a little older he'll be able to have a few friends over as well. At his age now, the parties are really for the adults because he doesn't even really understand the concept of birthdays yet anyway.

Shannon,
I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. Do you have close friends that you can invite over for the younger guys party?

We don't have the same issues as you, but there are issues, so we did a big party for my older son's first birthday party and kept it just immediate family for the rest of the years. With my younger son (also 16 months), we chose to do immediate family on my side and good friends of ours.

I know family issues can be hard, but stand your ground and continue to teach your children good values.

As for the "cheating" the younger one, perhaps you can make a rule that "when you are 5 or 6 (or however old you decide) that's when you can have your friend parties. That way, its not as big of an issue.

Hope this helps!
B.

Shannon, first of all, & I know this wasn't your question, but you stated "He isn't in school yet and I'm a stay at home mom so he doesn't have any friends." There are several local playgroups on meetup.com. I'm a sahm & belong to 2 great groups. Just b/c you are a sahm doesn't mean your son can't have any friends. Joining these groups has been wonderful for me!

Back to your question...there is no way I would let my in-laws in my house if they insisted on doing what you're describing. A little social drinking is fine, in my opinion. However, one cannot leave alcohol around where kids can get it (the baby or your 9 yr. old, as he's entering the age range where kids want to experiment). Either they follow your very commonsense rules, or they're not invited. That is how I would feel. Your children's safety & environment come first, your in-laws wants come 2nd. This may cause a lot of tension in the family, but your husband should support you for the sake of your children. Good luck!

I dont think you will be cheating your little one. I would have a little party with your husband, yourself, the two boys and maybe one or two others eg friends, other little chidren on your block etc. The little fellow won't notice much yet and once he goes to preschool, he will have his own friends to invite over.
Exposing your kids to lots of alcohol and drugs is definitely not good. I would steer well clear of that and create your own christmas and other celebrations. The family are not likely to change any time soon. They likely enable each other but you don't have to be a part of that.

Dear Shannon,
You are doing the right thing.
Your 16 month old will not know the difference, and I would definitely stop having the family gatherings.
You, your husband, and his brother can make his birthdays special by doing something special with him.
There is no reason to expose your children to such behavior.
You might consider going to Al-Anon to get support for your decisions.
It is appalling that these people go to such lengths in your home etc.
Addiction is genetic so you have every right to limit contact with relatives who do not choose to seek treatment.
You are showing backbone in your determination to shield your
family from such behavior.
Your example is a beacon for the others who are also fed up.
Your children come first.

Wow. It sounds like you are in a terrible position. Wow.

Would any of your family be willing to come over for a little shin-dig for your youngest? Or even some of your friends come over for a little shin-dig for your youngest? I would probably worry about the same. Honestly, they won't know but probably when they are 16 yrs old they'll give you a hard time about it. But it sounds like it might be best not to have a full family affair because of the issues going on. Or what if you and your youngest have a party with just your family but make it a really, really special day and that was "his" thing. Sorry to hear of your situation. Good luck.

Dear Shannon,

I'm honored to pray with you and for you. Your 16 month old will be fine without the same parties the 9 year old had. God gave those boys to you and your husband, and as hard as it is to NOT have the family support, they are YOUR boys, and you have to do what you feel led to do.

I'd also love to recommend a website that I like:
http://4-womenonly.com/
The book "For Women Only" had some great advice that I applied to my marriage, and I'm still learning. It wasn't about the parenting so much, but I felt led to share it with you!

Blessings,
D. B.

hi - i'm proud of you.. really. that's a tough spot to be in. you'll later be respected for putting your children first. regarding the big blow out party - your little one will get loved on just as much by those that decide to come 'under your terms' - remember, these little ones are happy playing with pots, pans and spoons - the size of their birthday party doesn't matter to them (only to us). keep up the good fight!

Is it his entire side of the family? Is there any way you could invite the ones that don't drink or do drugs? I find this behavior appalling!!! I have family that drinks in front of the kids, but it's not left lying around for them to pick up. I can't stop them from drinking, especially since the large family gatherings are not in my home, but I do insist on responsible drinking. The underage drinking is not acceptable either. It sounds like you'll have to have the party at a public children's place if you want the whole family to attend. Since they're nasty and disrespectful to you, I wouldn't even worry about inviting them. I know what a tough situation this is for you. Thank goodness your hubby is supporting you.

I have to deal with this type of situation too. But I have never had anyone do this in my house. If that is happening where we are we leave...end of story. My husband is in the National Guard and can be randomly drug tested at any time and I am a child care provider and chose not to be around it. When people come in to your home they must follow your rules! Period. But it is up to you to enforce it. My husbands family thinks I have my nose stuck in the air. So what. I don't want my son to be around that. If these people aren't going to follow your rules, tell them to leave. But also, put it in the invitation that there will be no drugs, no alcohol, etc. Even if it is just saying "using alcohol resposibly." Spell it out for them, then they can't say "well I didn't know." Hope all goes well.

They are your children and you make the rules. If they can't abide by them.....they're not welcome. It's being disrespectful to you and your family and CERTAINLY not setting any stellar examples for the children. They should be asked to respect the wishes of YOUR family. If they say they will and you find out later.....they WON'T get an invitation next time....PERIOD. Sounds like some pretty immature & disrespectful adults, to me.

Dear Shannon, Please be assured you're not the only one out there that has had such an experience. You are not cheating your younger son out of anything, infact you are being a great mom and protecting your children. There have been many advertised instances of children getting hold of such substances by accident and ending up in hospital or even dead. I'm surprised your husband would argue the case. If there is ever any suspicion of such activities taking place around your children it's better to be safe than sorry. Also, to be honest, your 16 month is too young to even remember the birthday parties at this stage and once he starts going to play group/school and meeting other children you can thrown him equally large birthday parties with other children - invite the whole group!! That's mainly what's important to children. Not having drunken stupid adults around. You shouldn't be the one feeling bad in this situation - it's your husband's family who should be feeling bad and embarrassed. They're lucky you're not reporting them.

Chin up - I know it's hard feeling isolated by his family but what's the alternative?! The energy you have around you would only be negative.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I think it is up to your husband to talk to his family. If he doesn't, than plan parties at places that don't allow drinking or plan a party early in the day when they may be less inclined to want to get drunk or high.

Do what is best for your kids. I'm sure your sons will love a party no matter how big or small it is.

I just wanted to respond with some supportive words. It sounds like you are doing the right thing. You're the mom and you have the right to not have your kids around alcohol and drugs, no matter how "casual" it is, even if others don't see it as a big deal. Good for you for standing your ground. Also, if you feel that your 16 mos old need more social interaction, have you thought about Gymboree or The Children's Museum of Indy? I believe the Children's Museum has a free program for babies every other Wednesday. Good luck and good job : )

Just to pop in here...While I find your family's behavior just off the charts, your question was how would this affect your youngest son...would he feel cheated?
So I ask this, what if you allowed them around and something happened? Which pictures would you rather share with him later in life, a picture of him with his cake and presents with is mom and dad and sibiling and explain to him that his granparents/uncles/aunts/etc were not good people to be around at that time so we didn't OR explain the picture where there are mad people who are aruging....
As the second child - I felt I was shafted alot on things. Mom didn't fill in the baby book, joint parties (my sister and I have the same birthday 3 years apart) joint presents...
there was never a reason for it other than it was easier that way...but as an adult, if it was explained to me that money was tight maybe I wouldn't be so bitter about it.

Hi,
You seem to be in a hard place and I assume you want peace and don't want to rock the boat anymore than you have to. You can opt to have a birthday party at a kiddie place that does not serve alcohol and invite both sides, it would be their choice to show up or not and you would alleviate the problem all the way around. The family members that really want to celebrate your child's birthday will be there. fyi - Chuckee Cheese serves beer.

Did I read it right that the family is drinking and doing DRUGS in front of the kids? Don't feel bad about not having a big party. Your baby is too young to know and I think as long as there are people who love your kids, who don't do dangerous and illegal things near them, they will have a great birthday no matter what. Why would you want this around your kids, anyway? Your husband has a responsibility to protect his family, which is You and Your Children. His loyalty should be with you. If you feel shut out from the other part of the family's lives, are you really missing anything? Be strong.

Well it is nice to see someone else that feels the same way I do about drinking around children. I don't think it sets a good example and is even worse when they drink until they do silly things. That is not how adults should behave and it bothers me that some of my relatives haven't grown up and accepted responsibility as an adult. I live in an area where drinking is a big thing and people around here will often drink to a total stupor in front of their kids and then make the kids suffer through their hangovers the next day. It is ridiculous.

I think being snubbed is not such a bad thing. You are protecting your children and trying to teach them to be responsible adults...so if you don't have big family gatherings, so what.

You children are young and one is not going to feel like you love the other more because you did'nt have a big party for them. They won't remember much about these days at all.

Honestly I don't understand how we got a point in this society where we think we have to have a big blow out for every birthday. It's just silly to spend that kid of money when if you ask them later what they liked the most it is typically the part where you made a cake together or did some fun game. They don't care about the piles of food, the drinks, the balloons or any of that. I have a cousin that threw her child a $2000 1st birthday party with clown, icee machine, popcorn machine, and a pony at a park....Do you think the little guy remembers? No but my cousin does because it took him many hours of overtime trying to pay for it. It is just silly and I wonder what it teachers our kids....the world stops for you, everyone must remember your day, you must get lots and lots of presents or you aren't loved and thus aren't worth anything, ...the list goes on. I do believe it teachers our little ones to be pretty ungrateful. I often go to birthday parties where the kid tears through presents, doesn't say a word to anyone, no hugs, no nothing and will sometimes even make ungrateful remarks like "I got more last year" or "that's not what I wanted". It is pretty sad that we are teaching our kids to be so self-centered and no one realizes it....The other message we send our kids is "I love you because I spend so much money on you."

At any rate you are perfectly justified in not wanting your boys to see grown adults acting like drunk teenagers and doing totally irresponsible things.

Your boys will love the effort you put into their birthday whether you have a million guests or it is just your family a few neighorhood kids. You are being a little too paranoid.

You love your boys and that is apparent and they will love in return for caring so much.

Shannon,

What if you were to have your youngers sons birthday party someplace else instead of your home. Like a pump it up or something in this same childrens entertainment. These places do not allow liquor or drugs. By having it within your home the in-laws can do the wrong things then laying their mess around your home for the younger children to pick up.

J.

The only advice i can give you is for the 16month olds birthday....Maybe take him somewhere for his birtday and just invite the kids in your family....like maybe chucky cheese or something like that...so that way he has pictures to see when he is older that he went to the fun places to when he was young...I also try my hardest to keep things fair for birthdays...it is hard but it will get better...good luck

This is a situation in which it's sad that you've even had to make requests for reasonable behavior around the kids. You are totally justified in wanting to keep your kids safe from this dangerous behavior. Stick with it, please!! It may be difficult to no longer have huge family gatherings or big birthday parties, but your little one won't remember the parties anyway. Parties for tiny people really are more enjoyable for adults.
You certainly are entitled to your own house rules if you throw parties in the future, and if adults can't follow them you are entirely justified in not inviting them back. Any mature adult should understand this; if you're given trouble, it would be by someone very self-centered. If you choose to attend a get together at someone else's home, have a preset time limit for staying (even if only an hour), and if you notice any of the undesirable behaviors, leave. You need to do what's best to keep your kids safe.
Your example in being responsible may cause friction with extended family, but you're really showing them more love through your example than you would be if you kept attending with the current trends.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with such unpleasant situations.

Just wanted to drop a note of support and let you know that i think you are doing the absolute correct thing as a mom! I really have no advice but when I read your letter I just felt as if you needed a hug! Keep up the good job at being a great mom and always putting your kids first! I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.