Help!!!!!!! - Los Angeles,CA

I am so sorry for your pain and devestation. But 16 yrs ago i was in the same situation. I thought it better to stay with my kids dad, no matter what he had done. It took me 16 yrs to say, I love myself more than i love you. I can't make my children happy if I am miserable. I hope you think long and hard, before taking him back. My daughter turned to me 12 yrs later and said, Mom, why do you keep putting up with it? He's never gonna change. I wouldn't wish this decision on anyone, but if you stay with him, its for you not your daughter. He will always be her father, that will never change. No one can stand up for you, but yourself. Good luck.

Only you can decide if it's worth trying to work out. Only you know him well enough to determine if he will try to work it out and stop seeing the other lady! I'm sorry for your pain in such a vulnerable time of your life! I will pray for you right now... I know you will make the decision that is best for you and your daughter! Even if you leave him, KNOW that you will be fine and you will make it!!

I will say a prayer for you and your family. It is hard to say what to do, but if your guy has another girlfriend and you are not married, it seems like he has already moved on. The same thing happened to my sister. Whether you get back together with him or not, the first thing you have to do is to respect yourself and fight for your and your daughter's rights. My sister has not really done that and I can see slowly, slowly her daughter is going to be taken away from her. Reach out to your family, friends and church if you have one. They will be a good support for you and usually tell you the truth about the situation you are in.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know that you deserve better than this. But it is a hard call. Talk to him about this, see if it can be salvaged, if that is what you want. It will be a long, painful road. Seek pro help. Do not stay with him only because of your daughter. Your daughter can still have a father, even if you don't have him as a boyfriend. Or if he refuses to be a father to her if you leave than maybe it is better that she doesn't have him as an influance in her life. This will get better, believe me. Good luck...

Hello, V.. I hope some time has helped you to calm down.
Take it from a 50year old, time does really heal (lol). My first reaction is "why would she want someone who has cheated on her?" When the trust is gone, you might as well shut down
your emotional investment in that person. You stand to be hurt again. Your young baby will recover. She will also take emotional cues from you. You can have whatever it is you want out of life. If you want strength, then pray for strength. If you want a good mate, then pray for that. Ask for what you want and then believe you will get it. It works.
Best to you and I hope all the best for you.

Hi V.
Not marry and with a child? , not commitment at all.
It happen to my best friend right before I got married, which let me we doubt about giving a chance to my boyfriend now my husband in living with him without not commitments which is live together without being married.
I believe what is done is done so let’s said for now you will take this as a experience.
Many women and man said “married is just papers” in order to avoid commitment but married it is just not papers it is “commitment” I always compare married to this: when we buy a house we know there is in written that this house belong to us so we have no problem in invest in our house and upgrade it, work hard in the backyard, keep it nice and so on we are committed to our house in order to make our house look beautiful and in the future have my rewards by owning it. In the other hands if that house weren’t ours we wouldn’t put one cent in that house to make nice,and if we do there is nothing it says that we have rights to figh for it doesnt belong to us. we will take care the house and clean it of course, but not commitment at all because we know in the future we will found the house we can buy and we will leave this house and move to one that we will committed to it.
It looks to me that this comparison that am making it happen every day but with couples and the worst thing is sometimes one of the person involve in the relation is willing to make a commitment like in your case “you decide to have a child from this person maybe thinking that it is enough. But it is not, because it takes two.
I am sure he will probably marry her like my best friend’ ex-boyfriend and you will become the past.
I am not saying that when we married we have that person forever or the married will work but there is a possibility and big! That the person will think about his vows and think about all the promises throug marry before make any decisition like that,and is because he made a commiment and because it is in that certificate that says Mrs. And Mr. we don’t see it but when you married you can see it and feel the heaviness of that paper. My husband and I when we got married I will never forget the look on his eyes holding that certificate of married he said “now we are stuck honey! that is the real love, the real person who wants to committed to the love of his life and I know many guys like my husband “good guys “ willing to commit feel that way.
I will say let him go. He already show he doestn deserve you and your baby. In the future you will found somebody who will be willing to commit to you and your baby. He is losing more than you.
Sorry if I am too hard on you maybe you will found this helpful.
My heart is with you.
Josie

V.
I am so sorry that you are going through this pain!
How was/is your relationship.......honestly though, the deep down relationship? I would ponder that though long and hard, if you guys really have love, I meam LOVE for one another, than work through it. Remember to look for the love from both sides though. If the lasting love is there, the road will be hard, but well worth it. If the love is not there I would definatly not stay for your child, I would seperate for your child. They are very perceptive and the need to see a healthy loving relationship in order to form their own healthy loving relationships. I hope everything works out the way it needs to for you! I know its hard but smiling helps too! :)

i would say right away get yourself checked for STDs & if he wants to stay with you(if you want him)he must do the same. it is better for your daughter not to have a man around who disrespects her & her mother in this way. There are not enough seconds in the day to spend with your baby, and if he wastes this precious time with another woman, he does not love her. also the "other woman" ought to be informed about you & the baby if she doesn't already know. if she is a decent human being, she will be horrified & drop him. it might make no difference to her, but if she is a decent person & doesn't know, she is also being betrayed.

Hi Honey. My name is L. and I live in Montebello. I just now read your post and I pray things are much better between you and your partner. I agree that growing up without a father is lonely. My mami raised my brother and me by herself, but you know what? It takes a real man to be a father and if your partner cannot respect you for the loving woman you are to him ... then guess what? You don't need him! and neither does your daughter. It's better to say good bye now than to have your daughter growing up and seeing the manners in which he bahaves... They say a cheater is always a cheater, but with Christ Jesus in our lives all things are possible. Lean onto the Lord is my advice. Seek his guidance. MAN WILL ALWAYS DISSAPOINT US.. BUT NOT OUR LORD AND SAVIOR HE WILL NEVER LET US DOWN.. HE'LL BRING YOU JOY IN YOUR HEART.. AND FULFILL YOUR SPIRITS WITH MUCH LOVE AND HAPPINESS!

Have you brought this up to him?
His reaction should help you determine whether or not your relationship can be saved.
Even if you do split up it doesn't mean that your daughter will not know him. (Provided he's worth knowing) Regardless of what he becomes to you, he is still her father.
Truly, it's better you find out now that after years and years.
I know this is difficult, and I don't mean to add to it, but make sure you get yourself checked for any diseases.
Good Luck,
K.

Dear V.,
I did not read any of the other replys, nor your other comment, because I do not want it to influence what I am about to say. I am 49 yrs old, and have been there. No matter what they say. Once they stray - they will always have the wandering spirit and will never truly commit. It is better for you to get out now, before your daughter is so attached that it will hurt if you split up. Go fishing, there are so many nice fish out there, throw him back in the pond
Just being honest - I know it hurts, but it was the best decision I ever made, I have met the best person for me and we will celebrate our 25th anniversay next year. I have so much trust in him, I can't even explain it. I could have NEVER felt that secure with my prior fiancee.
M.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It would be best at this point to end the relaitonship as he is not being faithful to you and once they are not they never will be. I have never known a cheater that has cleaned up his act. I know, I have been there and done that. I was your age when I left my cheater and we have five children and he now has been with a woman 19 years his junior for ten years! I feel sorry for her, but she doesn't try to stop the pain! He is also abusive. By the way, forgive me for babbling on about my own problems when we should be focusing on yours...

On a positive note, I have met a wonderful man (yes, they do exist), it took me 9 years and we are getting married in May. I was not married to the father of my five children and after 8 1/2 years, I realized that he never would marry me, especially the way he treated me and he claimed to be a Christian and still goes through the motions of that, today. He is what the Bible describes as a hypocrite, so I really understand your pain.

You are young and, hopefully, will not have to wait nine years like I did. Keep your head up and if you need a shoulder or a hug, feel free to email me at ____@____.com, I looked at the date of this posting and it is about ten months since you posted this and I am finally responding!!! Well, I am new to this site. I am sure a lot has changed since then, so feel free to email me and let me know what has happened since then. By the way, where do you live? I live in Antelope, north of Sacramento and frequent the Bay Area, where I am from, a lot. Feel free to contact me, if there is anything I can do.

Love

Jenni