Help... 9 Mo Old Was Sleeping Through the Night, Now Sleep Is a Disaster

Hi E.,
Is there any chance he might be cold or want a snuggly blanket or stuffed animal? My friend's baby went through this at about the same age, and that was what they finally came up with.
Jennifer

I couldn't stand to let my son cry it out, so I would stand over his crib and pat him and sing to him till he drifted off. maybe sorta hold him in the crib, but not actually pick him up. after he got comfortable with that, then i moved further and further out of the room, about a week at a time. it did take longer, several months, but i couldn't stand the crying. i remember one night about 2 am. i stood over his crib as sang, patted etc. for 2 hrs. he didnt cry unless i moved away from the crib. the next night was about 45 min. and the next night wasn't anything. good luck, i know that with lack of sleep, nothing makes since!

Around 9 months was when my kids started really noticing that Mommy was sometimes Gone (like, if I went to the store and left them with someone else). Daytime clinginess and nightmares/sleep fussiness (I was cosleeping with each of them) both resulted--and were phases (which go away--and repeat whenever the kids reach another stage when they need reassurance!).

Secondarily, boys need Mommy more than girls do, to help them believe dreamtime is OK. My girls do not fear going to sleep. My boys both want me to be there--literally physically in contact with them, so they KNOW I am there (no reassuring voice from across the room!)--at the moment they are going to sleep. Both of them have now had this very funny baby-phase where they want to be "independent" of me, so they kick and puch me away ... but if I actually move beyond the reach of their foot, they scoot down so they can "push" on me ... rejecting me while needing me ;). (SIGH.) Or they push me away and stay separate right until they are about to crash, then the scootch aroun d until their head mashes into me, and then go to sleep!

Remember everything is brief at this age--even when it seems never-ending!

--K. :)

Hi E. -

I feel for you. We struggled with similar issues with our first baby, but I would never let her cry it out. I too felt "guilty" when I comforted my child at night because I had people, books, etc., telling me that a dependent child=miserable parents and that if my child was dependent on me for comfort, then she would forever stay that way. Now, after 4 babies and lots more confidence watching them grow and seeing the results of our choices as parents, I can assure you that comforting your child will only prove to strengthen your relationship with him and built the security that true healthy relationships are based on. He is an infant, not an adult, and in his little immature/underdeveloped mind, all he knows is that mommy=safety. He is most likely going through the very necessary stage of separation anxiety and is waking up at night alone and realizes that your not there. When he can't see you, it is to him as if you have vanished without a trace. He cannot comprehend that you're just in the next room. As parents, we need to put ourselves in our child's shoes (which it sounds like you're trying to do) and do to them what we would like to have done to us (the golden rule). What my husband and I finally decided was that 1) Breastfeeding is a comforting tool, a nourishment tool, and a hydration tool and to pacifiy our babies that way will not harm them in any way (it is ALL good!), therefore, we need not feel guilty for utilizing this tool at night if our child needs it and it helps us all get a better night's sleep. 2) We want our children to know that they can DEPEND in us. Our society has had too much of the "independence" ideology and we have lost sight of the benefit of inter-dependence (NOT co-dependency), where we have relationships that are strong because we help one another and we accept help from one another. Children naturally, yet graudually, desire healthy autonomy when the time is right. Sometimes they need a little encouragement, but what we have learned is that forcing independence before they're cognitively/physiologically ready creates more problems and stress for everyone than peace and security. When a child is forced into independence, it is an unnatural independence and problems will resurface later on. Letting your child develop healthy independence naturally (w/o force) does require you to be patient, but for me, this has been a benefit and has built my character as a person/mother.

Trust your instincts, love your baby, and try to quiet the voices of the "experts" who don't know your child or your family. If the expert isn't concerned about the emotional needs of your child and is focused mainly on the parents' desire for sleep, then this expert is not a good/balanced resource. Doctors should be aiming for helping both the needs of the parent and the child (and sleep isn't the only need a baby has).

I do recommend the No Cry Sleep Solution book as well as the Dr. Sears Baby Sleep Book. I do *not* recommend Healthy Sleep Habits (this is an author who says that a baby who falls asleep hanging over the side of his crib or laying in his own vomit from sheer exhaustion from CIO-crying it out--is normal.)

Oh, and one last note about CIO - There is a myth (or misunderstanding) out there that if you can just make your child CIO, then they'll learn to sleep throught the night and "self-soothe" forevermore. The truth is that may work for some babies, but since all babies are not the same temperment and handle developmental stages differently, often (and more likely) babies who have at one time slept "through the night" will begin waking again and if you adhere strictly to the CIO theory, then you'll be back to square one again. A friend of mine had been convinced by a friend that she should let her son CIO, and he did learn to fall asleep on his own for a while, but when he relapsed after an illness, she was shocked and disheartened that she would have to live through all of the pain of hearing her son cry it out night after night until the phase past. She decided it wasn't worth it and brought him to bed with her. CIO is not a "magic" sleep cure and it often back-fires. Is it worth the agony on both you and your child? Many working mothers LOVE co-sleeping because they can just nurse the baby back to sleep when they wake up and babies typically settle back to sleep quickly and peacefully when they are near their mothers and this helps them have more time for bonding, since they cannot be together as much during the day while mom's a work. I have found that if my baby wakes in the night, I just roll over, latch her on and we both drift back to sleep nearly effortlessly. No need for me to get up and fully awaken to go and check in the baby. No need to set an alarm to go "reassure" the baby that she's OK (which a baby doesn't comprehend--babies only know security through your presence and physcial touch). No need for your husband's sleep to be disturbed when you're so tired from getting up and down that you have to enlist him to take over. My husband and I LOVE co-sleeping because we ALL get a better night's sleep and there were no tears, agony, or suffering for anyone involved (and we have experienced this with 4 babies now)!

Blessings to you and your baby!
J.

It's a phase. He'll get through it. Go in and briefly provide enough comfort to calm him, but don't pick him up. My oldest is 4 and he still isn't a great sleeper. We'll go through months of every thing being just great, and then all of a sudden we'll go through a phase where he wakes up crying for several nights in a row for weeks (sometimes months) on end. It's frustrating as the parent, but is a normal part of childhood for lots of kids. Hang in there, you all will make it through this.

Hi E.,
I really feel for you.... I know how hard it is to be exhausted and worried about your son and not know what to do. I have two kids and the first was a great sleeper. We did sleep training at about 7 mos and he rarely awakens and almost always puts himself back to sleep on his own. Our baby, however, has been very different. He is now 10 mos and has had several times on and off where he has needed a lot of attention in the night. Because of my experience with my older boy, I thought I would "undo" all of the sleep training if I started going to him, but it seems that he quickly goes back to sleeping through the night if I go to him when he wakes at the unusual times. He routinely wakes between 4:30 and 5am for a feeding and goes back to bed awake, talks a bit, then sleeps for another hour or two. But, when he wakes at 2 or 3, he'll cry differently and I know I need to go comfort him. I always give him about 10 min to see if he'll settle, but then I go pick him up and rock him a little-- not back to sleep, just till he's quiet. Then I'll put him back in bed and he often cries for 3 or 4 min, then back to sleep. He sometimes wants to nurse, and then I know he was hungry. So I feed him. My guess is that he is hungry or having teething pain. I don't think going to him will undo the sleep training. If he knows he can go back to sleep on his own, he'll get back to it. I know that as exhausted as I felt, it felt better for me to do something to help my baby. I hope you get back on track soon! I think you will! :)
-A.

You are clearly a very responsible and sensitive Mom-- you have a lucky little boy
( and that some parts of attachment parenting didn't work for means -- it didn't work for you-- just like different jobs--- there is nothing virtuous about trying to be a secretary if you are a better preschool teacher--- see what I mean?? -- you get to be YOU- and you'll be a happier and MUCH MORE SUCCESSFUL Mom if you allow yourself to be YOU. sorry,lecture over lololol) --
How to handle this??? --- it has come up because he is getting older -- they change so fast - so many times in the first 2 years- I promise - stick it out - My preference is ask yourself a couple of questions- and then let him realize that he CAN go back to sleep--- no shadows or pets disturbing him? - is he about to learn to stand, pull up or walk?? ( these developmental leaps sometimes throw childrn off) - if nothing seems wrong- then set the kind of pattern you can live with--- maybe set your ''snooze' feature on your clock to tell you---- ''it's been 15 mintues-''' go in and softly tell him he's ok, and everything is safe- ' gently lay him down and leave - and cold turkey has the kindness ( yes, I said kindness) that it is crystal clear '''you are safe and you CAN handle this''''

Blessings,

J.
aka
old Mom

is he starting to crawl or pull up to stand or perhaps some other milestone? Is it the same with naps in the day or just at night? I think the fact that he sleeps in your arms means he is at a stage where something is going on and he needs to "recharge" and reassure himself with you at those times..
Like all these things it will no doubt be a short lived phase.
I am mum of a 7.5 month old who varies with the ease he goes to sleep. Usually I stand over he crib and pat or rub him whle he fusses. i prefer not to leave him alone while he is crying. He sometimes goes for longer than others before falling asleep. i know this hasn't really helped but i am almost positive it will be short lived.
Good luck.

I think maybe its okay for you to be patient. Kids sometime go through sleep disturbances, and they often sort themselves out. If your little guy has just learned how to stand (for example) he may be going through that new knowledge at night and having a hard time lying down. As he internalizes it he'll stop having to go through it at night and move back towards his nice sleep schedule. (I wonder if 9 months is a big age for this type of thing - my daughter back slid at 9 months, too. but now, at 11 months, she's sleeping better than ever.)

I don't think you'll undo everything you once did if you comfort your child before putting him back in his own bed. I think it would be a mistake to give up on the 'rules' you've set for your family - he should still go into his bed at night, and you still expect him to sleep during the night. But comforting him to help him get back to sleep doesn't seem so bad. Just comfort him, and then when he's calm, put him back in bed even if he is not asleep. Perhaps thinking of it as a modified cry it out, if he fusses more once he is back in bed. (We basically use the same 'rules' that we use at her bed time if she wakes up at night.)

(It seems like after a few tries you'll get a handle on whether hugging him makes things worse by waking him up more, or better.)

mmm... we had luck with standing next to our daughter's crib and 'holding' her in a lying position by keeping a hand on her back until she calmed down.

And, hey, don't feel guilty. If you are a better mom well rested then you did the right thing by figuring out how to get your rest.

Hi E.,
Well, I admit I'm not a cry it out person, though sometimes I've felt so helpless I didn't know if I could do anything else. But my husband and I had committed not to do it, so we supported each other when we felt at the end of our ropes. Our son was a terrible sleeper. But, to be honest, we were always able to find the cause (even when it was too much feeding in the night, which took a long time to figure out, and then a couple of weeks to work out of). If this is kind of sudden, you might want to check ear infections. Our son just had one last week, after none for 6 months. It's extremely painful when they are laying down (and the tylenol doesn't always work). So if he's better when upright and being held, that may be something. The other thing that pains them when laying down is reflux, so you may want to look for that. Best wishes, I know where you're coming from, we had a rough first year ourselves.
There is nothing wrong with cuddling and rocking your baby, and it is not just not bad for him, he needs that.

I feel for you as we're going through the same thing with my 13-month old. She's always been a terrible sleeper and finally I switched Pediatricians to get some help because I was at a loss as to how to get her to sleep more than 1-2 hours at a time. I haven't fed her at night since she was 5 months old. Here's what the new MD told me. He said any attention at night is going to perpetuate the problem because that's what she wants. He advised me to let her cry it out and said it would probably be close to 4 hours a night for at least a week. I used to go into her room, lay her back down in bed, and make sure she had her paci and blankie. Now I peek at her through a crack in the door at first, but after that I ignore her which is very hard. But like you, our marriage and lives are suffering. We need sleep, she needs sleep, and her brother starts preschool next week and he needs sleep. She is a terrible self-soother and the MD said she needs to learn these life skills before she gets any older, and she should have learned them at about 6 wks old. Now I feel bad for coddling her but she's just been so difficult!
So every night she's cried for about 2 hours so far, but we're hoping that with no reward for waking up, she'll figure out how to get herself back to sleep and keep herself that way. I can't fix this problem for her. She's going to have to learn this by herself. I think part of parenting is teaching them to have some independence slowly, and sleeping is such a basic necessity for the whole family.

Good luck, and know that someone else is going through the same thing right now.

First, I want to remind you that you're not a bad mom - I wish that was something we didn't ever have to feel (wait until he's in the "terrible twos") as mothers. Five quick things:

1. I STRONGLY recommend the book "Healthy sleep habits, Happy child." It breaks down the normal sleeping stages for babies and toddlers by their age. It was a life-saver for us when our little girl was a baby. Skip all the scientific info (at least for now) and get right to the section for 9-month olds.

2. He could be getting sick (or teething). Our little girl never sleeps well when she's sick or just before. She's almost 3 and this still happens. As for teething, those little teeth are tricky little buggers. They can affect them differently each time and the older they get, the weirder they are. They can pop through one day and disappear the next and not show up again for months.

3. He might be hungrier than usual and having a growth spurt. Even though he could be nursing or drinking as much as normal, it just might not be enough for right now.

4. Sleep disruptions can lead to big breakthroughs! :-) He might be getting close to crawling, standing on his own, walking, etc. (I don't know if he does any of those things yet). Different ages mean different skills, so he could be getting really close to a major milestone. YIPPEE!!

5. It might be time to adjust your bedtime routine. Keep it 30 minutes or less and make sure everything is physically leading towards the goal - his crib. Meaning, if it's bath night, do that first, then move towards his room. Do PJs, diaper, teeth-brushing, etc. Read and sing (or whatever you do do calm him). And finally make it to bed. This sounds simple, but that was a HUGE breakthrough for us when our daughter was around 8-9 months old. We had a routine, but were all over the place: bath, bedroom, back to the bathroom for brushing hair and teeth, living room for story, finally to bedroom, etc.

I hope the book helps you some. It supports different ways to support healthy sleep habits so it's great for everyone one. Hopefully it will be a quick phase and you'll be back to sleep in no time. I know how hard it is losing out on sleep when you're finally used to having it back (not to mention hearing how upset your precious guy is). :-)

Around 9 months is when children develop object permanence, that is, they realize that when objects or people disappear they still exist. This stage is often called separation anxiety. He's missing you! He may have already learned to sleep through the night (when in fact, what he most likely learned was that if it's dark, and he cries, he is not going to get a response, so why bother) but that is the problem with the "cry it out" approach. Quite often, with a new developmental stage, or a new location, or a temporary illness, all of that learning goes right out the window when baby realizes that he does need you at night. The fact that he IS calling out to you in the night is good. He's showing you that he can still communicate his needs.

So now you have a couple of choices: cry it out again (and most likely *again* in the future), or be responsive to his needs like your mama instincts are telling you to.

Make sure to discuss this all with your partner at a time when baby ISN'T crying (who can think rationally when that's going on?!) and try to get him on the same page, or at least compromise so you guys don't bicker. In my opinion, only one "no" is a dealbreaker in co-parenting. He shouldn't be able to force you to let him cry it out, and visa-versa. Communication is key. (And don't worry. I think in most households, there is a lot of bickering going on for the first year as you learn to parent together. It's a huge change for the both of you.)

Also, attachment parenting isn't about doing it all. You can pick and choose which parts to follow, whichever parts work best for you and your family. I know many folks who attachment parent without doing a family bed, or without wearing their babies frequently, or without breastfeeding, because that wasn't what was right for their baby and their family. I recommend browsing around Dr. Sears' website (I think it is askdrsears.com) for some advice on sleep and fussy babies. It sounds like your son may just be a little higher need than other babies who decide to sleep through the night just fine (my son didn't sleep 5 hours at a stretch regularly until about 13 or 14 months).

Hang in there. I know it is so much easier to be a parent when you are sleeping, because you actually feel more human. He's only little once, though. Keep in mind that before you know it, he will be kicking you out of his room and asking you to leave him alone. I send you many well wishes for the best...

E.,

This too shall pass. I went through (and still do on and off) with my now 16 month old. He does have reflux so I don't even leave him alone to cry it out at night as, having reflux myself, I know the pain of lying flat and having an empty stomach. I have found that this is always worse when he is growing. So we do a small snack at night when needed (he is an awesome eater and WILL NOT eat when it isn't what he wants) usually a jar of 3rd foods fruit.

Another thing I found was reading Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solutions. Some of it worked for me and some didn't but she writes in a manner to give lots of options.
One of my pediatricians recommended the Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child as well but I still haven't had a chance to read it. I have seen lots of posts on here for that one though.

You are not a bad mom. We went through a period that all I had to do was rock him for a bit and put him back down. When it got really bad though I would put the wedge back in his bed to keep him propped up and that usually seems to help.
Good Luck. T.

It'll pass :) Most of the time I find my little guy will go back to sleep with a pacifier, although a few times mommy just had to sleep on the floor of his room for a while and creep out later. Somehow just knowing I was in there eventually worked, sometimes humming or shushing. I too found that he'd pass out in my arms but wake up the instant he hit the sheets, and didn't want this to become a habit. Hope this passes for you soon!