Help! Aggressive Toddler!

The good news is this is typical two year old behavior pushed to the extreme, but you have to stop it now or it will get worse. Below is a suggestion that you many want to try.

When he pushes take him away from the play for a minute or two. Hold him firmly, gently, and tell him he may not push, hit, etc. If he cries, do not let him go until he is still and tell him you love him (in a calm voice), but he may not ____ . If he continues to push after you release him repeat the above behavior as many times as necessary. He may erupt in angry crying at you but hold him gently and firmly. Do this as many times as necessary and as many days in a row as you can. This is a teachable moment.

This is not punishment, but removal from activity. He will eventually learn that if he wants freedom, he needs to behave himself. Remember to stay calm.

Do not feel you need to remove him from the playground. If he were older that would be a possibility, but he is much too young for that.

What we did, was actually the opposite. We didn't using leaving as last recourse, it was FIRST recourse.

We had a problem both with throwing things and getting aggressive. Fortunately the throwing things (woodchips, sand, whathaveyou) came first.

When we parked the car, or got to the park, before I let him play I told my son that "remember, if you throw anything, we're going home." Invariably, he'd throw something. Sometimes within 10 seconds. And we went home. With tears. With yelling. With a hard next half hour. With mummy reeeeeaally needing a break. But we left. Sometimes, he'd get sneaky, and do the "test". Of course we talked about WHY we don't throw things...so he did it in the exact opposite way. He'd pick up ONE woodchip, or a pinch of sand (etc), walk as far away from everyone as possible and throw it away from them. And we went home.

Once we got home, he was on time-out, until we'd talked about it.

This went on every single day for a couple of weeks.

With being aggressive, it was the same thing, except that we didn't make him apologize & we didn't get specific. We said "Remember, if you're MEAN to anyone, we're going to go home." We didn't say hitting, because our son is Jesuitical. Elbowing I suppose is SLIGHTLY different from hitting. I was NOT getting into a debate about semantics, because I hadn't expressly forbidden "x".

We didn't make him apologize, because we apologized for him, saying in a loud voice "I'm soooo sorry he was mean to you!!! He knows he's not allowed to be mean, so he can't stay here and play and have fun anymore like you get to, HE'S going home."

This one got nipped quick. He'd already tested the going home bit, plus we laid it on thick about how much fun he would have had if he hadn't been mean and was still at the park...and did all the empathy stuff in private...so there was no rush, and no distraction.

Now with both we gave him options, and we did talk to find out what it was he liked about each. For the throwing things it was "Remember, you can't throw it, but you CAN make it rain, or dig reeeeeeaally deep holes, or or or (with demos)" ...and with being "mean" it was mostly reminders about asking. (Asking to get by, rather then pushing...asking or inviting to play rather then feeling left out...asking for a turn rather then grabbing and pushing...etc.)

We had him apologize (to other kids) for accidents...and for first offenses. We wanted to pound in that there is no recourse for doing something you KNOW you're not supposed to, just because you're angry...and to give him options of other things to do in those circumstances.

It's not easy...but it worked pretty fast.

Hi J.,

I know how frustrating it can be.. My son started this behaviour when he was about 18 months old and I would always make him apologize and sit in time out for 2 minutes. At the beginning though I would be at a playplace and the minute I heard a kid cry, my first thought was oh now, what did my son do now! I talked to everyone about this for advice. I'm a stay at home mom and the best thing that ever happened was to get him into a daycare 1 day a week... Great for me, Great for him! They said that boys really need to have that social interaction even more then just playdates.. I found a Wonderful inhome daycare a couple blocks from my house and she helped me work on this behaviour and he is now 26 months and it has made a huge world of difference.. Rarely does my son push another kid and if he does, immediatly he'll say sorry, give them a hug and if I think it was malicious, he'll go to timeout!

Good Luck, I remember leaving playdates in tears because I felt like the most horrible mother around! Be consistent and he'll grow out of it... Good Luck!

I personally beleive in spankings along with leaving or a timeout in the car and try to play again. He obviously doesn't know how to play. You could push him down so he knows what it feels like and that might help, you could do this at home so he could learn the correct behavior in a safe place for him. Oh and I beleive he should say sorry so he can hear the other childs response, kids can work out a ton of issues if we give them the chance. Whatever you do make sure you are consistant so you don't send mixed messages.

Sounds like you need to take it to the next level. We have several toddlers here and aggression is a territorial dispute usually. It results in immidiate timeout (this can be done anywhere and should be). The toddler has to go say sorry to the other person they hurt. Sometimes our kiddos resuse to do this part and it's back to timeout. We jsut couldn't have bullies with a new baby about to enter the home. Sometimes we have to loose priviledges to understand the consequences of what we've done. This time is going to be struggle since your toddler is trying to become more independant right now. It is a balance and only consistency will result in a behaved child later down the road.

Hi J. - You could have several different things going on & I will try to break this down into a few areas & hopefully this along with some of the other advice you have received you will be able to pinpoint the problem & help stop it.

Yes, kids at this age do that but this is when they start to learn that it is not acceptable behavior. Since you have been trying to curb that you may need to look at other options & asking for help is a great first step.

Does he act this way only when you are around or does he do it when other familiar adults (dad, grandparent, aunt, etc) are there too? Maybe he will respond to a different adult instead of mom??

One question is how is his communication skills? Is he able to verbalize his words into conversations? Or is his language a little behind the typical age kid? If his receptive or expressive language are lagging then part of this could fall under that. My youngest would act out because his speech & language was way behind & he could not get the words out to express himself so he would "act" it out. When you "talk" to him about his behavior does he respond to you with any correct actions? When you speak to him do you get down on his level & make him repeat the expected behavior back to you? This way he knows verbally what is expected. For my youngest he also has auditory processing issues meaning that it is hard for him to audibly understand what was verbally told him. So what we have done is photos as well as stories to prepare him for different things. Pretend play works well to. This may help teach your son about empathy, now granted at this age it is very hard for them to learn but you can start it now.

Another reason for his pushing could be he is figuring out that "he can do something" and he might like seeing the response he gets when he acts this way. If this is the case work with him (in a safe environment) at home to "turn" the tables and see if he likes being the victim. This role playing may help.

Does he watch TV or play video games? If so what kind? If he is being exposed to things in his environment he might be trying to act those out on the playground. If so then rid that from your home.

One of the other moms shared with you about sensory issues and I agree this is a BIG issue for more kids than we realize. For some kids they don't like some types of touching or fabrics. For others they "need" the big body motor movements that stimulate them. If this is the case check your local area hospital or private practice for an occupational therapist (OT) that specializes in pediatrics, they are also trained to deal with sensory issues. You can sometimes just call & talk with them over the phone & share with them your situation and see if they think he might fit into that category. If so then make an appointment (this is usually covered by most insurance) and the OT can work with you & your son to teach you both ways on how to help him with this. Sometimes it can be some specific exercises or routine or added pressure shirt, etc.

Also start a journal of his behavior and include his diet. You might find something in there that will contribute to aggressive behavior. Some kids it can be sugar, some corn, some milk and the list can go on & on. Plus you can then tell is something you are trying - talking, repeating, role playing, OT, nap/quiet time, etc is or is not helping. This will help you also get your frustration out on paper & not verbally around him. Take Care & you are doing the right thing by asking for help & ideas. You can do it!

Great question, J.- and you are handling it perfectly. Leaving after one warning is what there is to do---. Talking with 2 year olds is --------of limited use--- even if they understand every word-- they are processing their bodies need so fast- that --- words are'nt useful- The most you would want to say is '''' you push or hit??? - We're going!''' --- and this should be said while you are putting on your coat and grabbing his -. they 'hear '''''''''what we do BEAUTIFULLY - . Try going to McDonald play-places --- so it is less of a hassle to just up and go - .

This is a very natural stage - and it will pass-- I promise.

Blessings,
J.