Two Year Olds

Who is in charge here would be my first question. Trying to teach a child no with no consequences is really asking for trouble. This behavior is totally unacceptable and if you don't get ahead of this situation, you'll soon have two kids out of control.
Trying to reason with a two year old is a total waste of time. Use a time out and if that doesn't work a spanking. This behavior has got to stop.

A.,

I have a five year old boy, and a 22 month old girl. What you are going through is not uncommon. If you don't already have it, there is a great book called the Girlfriends Guide to toddlers, it is funny and very true to life. Don't worry, toddlers were not meant to play together, they generally just play in the same area, and hope that no one gets in their way. Since they do not have great communication skills, if they are frustrated they act out in any way they can. Good Luck, this is the stage where we Mom's learn patience from our children.

No child should be allowed to tackle another child.....and as far as her listening to 'no', you have to make sure she complies......the old saying 'say what you mean and mean what you say' has served me well.......children have to be taught polite behavior and it should start early.......if I can help with specifics, please let me know....I am sole parent to two now teens.......and, yes, Alison, they were 'typical' in that they tried things but it was not allowed....my daughter tried biting, my son never did, he was the one that shoved, she didn't.....aggressive behavior is not acceptable....and if that kind of behavior is not corrected at a young age, you will have huge problems later...as to the other parent, her job is to protect her child by not putting him/her in situations that could be harmful.....

Wow, I highly doubt that Bev has had a typical two year old. Sure, you try your best and you are consistent but your child is her own person and let's face it, sometimes they don't do what you tell them! Or have told them one million times, or have punished them for one million times! My son is 2 and a half and isn't always minding his own space. We don't "allow" him to bite or push but sometimes it happens faster than we can help. So we do what good parents do and we talk to him and give him adequate consequences for his age. He's the most polite two year old with his "thank yous" and "pleases."
One more thing, two year olds seem to understand for brief periods of time but may not carry that to future situations. My son may understand today that pushing his friend hurts him, but tomorrow he may forget and push again. With time he has learned to think about his friend's feelings before his own. Gosh people, that's hard for adults! Kids are focused on themselves until they are a little older. Haven't you noticed that they do parallel play right now, and not cooperative play? Biting, hitting and pushing are developmentally appropriate, just not socially appropriate. I promise, you can look it up.
A., coming from another A., you are not alone. You are doing a great job. Since you didn't specify that you weren't doing something other than saying no, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and think you probably are (removing her from the situation, redirecting, giving feeling words, etc.) Your child will grow up. She probably won't be a teenager who tackles. The other parent doesn't seem too understanding, though we all have our own child to protect and that's her decision to make. I just hope she said it in a polite way.
God Bless!

I agree with a lot of the other mamas on here, and also agree that you can't always stop a two year old BEFORE the damage is done. What I did with mine (of course, after I learned from trial and error with the first one), that if she hit somebody, I could stop her and say, "We don't hit." "We don't..." can be used for anything from hitting to writing on the walls. Say it EVERYTIME it happens, not just part of the time. Then, if she doesn't stop (give her a chance to stop, because she might), take her away from whatever it is that she is doing. I don't advise putting a two year old alone in a room, though, because that is dangerous to herself and whatever you have in that room. If she is the kind to throw a tantrum when you stop her from playing or even the offending activity, then let her have her tantrum, but you don't throw one with her. You be very quiet, calm, even open up a book or magazine to show her that you are not listening to her, and you are going to peacefully read, sew, whatever until she stops. This might be unnerving at first, but it really will work. After all, why throw a screaming fit, if nobody is going to watch, right? I don't know if my kids were typical two year olds or not, but we went through the hitting, biting, mouthing off, etc. and now both of my girls are a wonderful 8 and 12 year old that are a joy to have around. Don't worry about what other mothers think. If they don't want to bring their children over to play, don't worry about it. She will learn more by playing with you at this age anyway. We learned our social skills from the adults in our lives, NOT from the other children, and now is a good time to teach those skills. Then, when she enters school or your local homeschool group (whatever you choose), she will enjoy being around other adults and children, and they will enjoy being around her. Be patient, Mama....there's more to come, but they don't stay babies for long.

I would seperate her from others when she tackles them and tell her she can join the fun in 1-2 minutes if she can keep from tackling people.

(I see someone said don't remove her to a room alone. I have to edit my answer because I did not think to add--when you do time out it is most effective if they are in the same room as you. They are sitting in a corner where they can SEE the action, but not participate. You don't discuss things with them, you don't interact, just say 'when your time is up, you may come over here. We would love to have you play with us!')

You also need to show her the proper ways to show her affection, irritation, or other feelings. She just is not sure how to play with other kids and doing what she can come up with.

But now is the time to get this taken care of--before she goes to preschool/kindergarten. ;-)
btw we had 2 kids 1 year apart and one of our rules was no beating each other up at all--verbally or physically. Our kids are now 21 and almost 20 and best friends. ;-)

Just the opposite - if your daughter does not respect you when you tell her "no", then "no" will never mean anything to her from anyone. You are your child's light in the world. She learns from YOU and what she learns from YOU, she will pass on to her children (Your Grandchildren!) Think about that for just a minute! I found that taking the role as "mother" also meant I had a role in, and to society, to raise my children to be jewels in my crown - not thorns in my side. It's up to you to make that difference :) Good luck and God bless you in your journey.

A child must learn to mind his/her parents at a very early age. If they don't, you are in for a very, very frustrating time for yourself and the child. Once you say "no" or any other correction, carry through with it so that the child respects you when you say something. Children love boundaries even though they kick against them.

Teaching or training a child is much different than "telling" a child. It requires a lot more time and patience, but the end result is much more satisfying for both mother and child. Good luck. R.

I send my children to their rooms. I have a four year old and a two year old. I tell them why they are in trouble and take them to their rooms. I have a long established rule about leaving your room before time is up. My four year old got in trouble for something similar and I just removed all the things in his room he holds dear.

hey A.,
I also have a very energetic girl(now 3 1/2). I think the big thing is accepting who they are and what they do well, but also teaching them how to behave so others enjoy them like we do. My daughter does well when I explain to her the rational behind things/rules. Of course, she also gets a million time outs for her bad behaviors. Time outs in the beginning were extremely difficult (so hang in there) but after a few months she caught on and they are extremely helpful! We started time outs around age 2. As for the other mom, did she see you addressing the situation? That often helps things.
good luck!

Two year old do what two year olds do,and that is play. What a pity the other mom is making such a big deal of. If at all possible, have lunch and talk about it. Does your two year old have other siblings? This is the age where they are finding themselves and exploring the environment in which is around them. Two year olds are naturally curious, as a mom, maybe you can be around when the tackling begins and gently remove your child so that she won't hurt herself or the other children, but most of all let her be a two year old. The other mom should not be so judgemental. if this does not work, she wasn't much of a friend to begin with. What is going to happen when her child starts school and they have to go outside for recess?

I agree that the other mom may not understand, and also that you must teach your daughter what is and is not appropriate behavior. If you keep letting your daughter get away with behavior that isn't appropriate (hurting other children, throwing temper tantrums, ignoring no)- you will only have a bigger handful when she gets older. It all starts early!!!!
A great technique to use is to give her a choice: Tell her" we dont' tackle people- you can choose to play nice and not hurt others, or you can choose a time out" Then follow through- if she continues to tackle (or do any behavior you don't approve of) use the other mom's techniques of time out. Or take away a toy, don't let her play with the other children (she mush play by herself), what ever is an immediate consequence. After a while she will get the point and letting her choose will help improve her decsion making skills, her self-esteem, and teach her appropriate social behaviors (kids who choose to beat up on others end up without friends- they either change, or don't have friends).

Good luck

It is not unusual for two year olds to be rambunctious in nature, however, it is up to you to help guide her in regards to what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior when playing with others. I'd say tackling other kids is not appropriate behavior as she could hurt someone and the other child is probably not percieving her tackling as fun. You need to let her know that it is not appropriate to tackle at the time it occurs and you should designate a place to put her in time-out. After a couple minutes in time out you need to get at her eye level and again repeat that she is not allowed to tackle other kids because it hurts them. If her language is developed enough, have her repeat back to you "I will not tackle." Be consistant when this behavior occurs and nip it in the bud. "No" is not usually enough and kids at this age are testing their boundaries.

Another thing that comes mind as you describe your daughter tackling, as I have one child with a Sensory Processing disorder. Kids with Sensory Processing disfunction sometimes are super sensitive to sensory input, and sometime they crave them. My son can be overly-sensitive to certain textures such as sand etc. But on the flip side also craves other types of sensory stimulation - My son loves to and needs to run, jump, swing, spin etc, more than your average kid. I have heard of some kids who crave sensory stimulation enough that they often bump into walls, people etc. I don't know enough about your daughter, but if she she is extremely active and you often find her bumping into things (people, walls etc) it may be something to consider and you may want to read more about it. If this is the case, you can help her redirect and find appropriate ways to get the stimulation she needs. (Maybe jumping on an inflatable jump-o-lean or on a bed supervised, playing in a empty kiddie-pool filled with balls, having a bean bag for her to crash into, etc.) Anyway - just another thought. Wishing you luck on this.

Read the book 'Toddlerwise' by Gary Ezzo. It will DEFINATELY help and explain things!!!

Even 2 yr olds need to know the limits of boundaries and how their actions affect another. It would help to initailly say, "Kim, that hurts Jennifer and if you continue she's not going to want to play with you." Allow her to show empathy and apologize. If the behavior persists then I would adopt a 2 minute time-out (1 minute per year of age is appropriate--just remove her from the room where there are no distractions, toys, etc.). Have her sit there and tell her she can come back to play when she can apologize. If she tackles a person again in the same instance you could again put her in time out and ask the friend to go home. Your daughter can try again the next day.

Play is wonderful and if your daughter gets carried away with joy at seeing her friend maybe you can help her show it in another way that is less "rough"--clap her hands, jump up and down, a hug...otherwise yeas, play IS part of what kids do but unless a limit is set it can become a less desirable behavior and negatively affect her relationships later on.

Wishing you much success!

Two year olds can understand just about anything you tell them if said in simple terms. There is no reason your child can't understand that it isn't okay to tackle another child. She needs to understand that what she is doing is hurting other children. Telling her "no" with no consequences to follow (such as timeout), will not get you very far. You need to start adding some discipline to your routine. She is old enough to start learning consequences. If you don't know how to properly use a timeout, I think there is some information about it on the Focus on the Family website: www.family.org. You could also use other forms of discipline such as taking away toys, etc., but timeout at this age tends to work well for most kids because they hate to be separated from the action.

Also, when she does something she isn't supposed to (like tackle another child), you can't just say "no". You have to tell her "no hitting" (or no biting, no pushing, etc.) Be more specific so that she can learn exactly which behaviors are unacceptable. When she tackles a child, she may just be playing, but you should tell her "no pushing...be gentle" or something of that nature and then explain that she has hurt the other child. I know my daughter is very sensitive and gets very upset when she thinks she has hurt someone.

I'm sure there are other books out there (or the Supernanny show) that can help you figure out what discipline is appropriate for a 2 year old, but I can assure you that she is not too young to understand and you probably aren't being hard enough on her.

It is time for time out and punishments that will teach her on her own to change. If something she loves is taken away that may help. You do not want a law suit on your hands and this mom sounds like she would be one to do it. I would not want her back. Kids have to go through things and learn by our continual repremanding. So hang in there is will go away. G. W

I think the other mama is over reacting. Two year olds don't understand that tackling can hurt another. She should understand that in order for children to develop they have to socialize and sometimes that might entail a little tackling! As far as teaching your 2 yr old, I think all you can do is tell her no, then if she continues set her in a time out spot even if it is for 5 seconds. I did this with my 2 year old she hated having to stop play.I would always warn her first and count to 5, if she hadn't stopped then she would sit on her timee out chair for about a minute.Now I start counting and before I get to 3 she usually stops the behavior I don't want her to do.

Hi A.,
At two, the child is more than capable for firm boundaries. Something that is wonderful for us is Love and Logic. If my child (almost two) pushes our now three year old, which she does, we pick her up, sing "Uh Oh, need a little room time...soooo sad. Throw a little fit, and call me when you are sweet." That is it....shut the door and wait til she is quiet or asks to 'be sweet' (this they learn quick). Then, I have my child sit on the floor and wait for her timer. If she gets up, cries, etc. we start over. She can play where she is....that is not the point...the point is to stop the behavior and separate her from you (and the other child). Once she completes her time out or 'room' time as we call it, we give hugs and kisses and DO NOT rehash the issue....children get it. As long as your response is not an angry one (that is why we sing) then she will not go into fight/flight mode and she will focus more on what she has done without you pointing it out. This has worked great with our lil' turkey...the main focus of Love and Logic is putting responsibility on the child and taking care of yourself....no power struggles, no screaming....

We do 'room' time anywhere...the name changes to "wall time" or "cart time" or "stroller time" or "wagon time", wherever, but as long as you are consistent at home with it...the child will generalize it across environments and situations. I also say things like "I will be happy to play as long as you play nice" or "I will let you play with susie as long as you play with gentle hands" etc.

Also, a few responses have encouraged saying "no" and that is fine, but instead of leaving it at that, tell her what to do. Children at this age do not have the cognition to figure out the better behavior at the moment....tell her "no tackle, give hugs" or "tackle bear". A lot of the time toddlers tune out the NO and DONT's and hear just the ending of your phrase. Tell her what she can do....

Hang in there...with two so close in age...you have your hands full...it gets easier....mine are 14 months apart and things are starting to slow down some.

I think for serious things that could hurt her or another child have to be dealt with firmly. Every time it happens she needs time out or a spanking(if you do that, I do). Not just a NO. She needs to know you mean business when you say NO. If she is 2, she is old enough for a "if you tackle him, you will sit in time out". Then, if she does it, she sits in time out. You dont want her hurting herself or anyone else.

If you have a line backer, you have to play interception. Seriously. Watch her and when she's about to charge, grab her. If you believe in spanking (I DO), this would be a good time to use it.

Otherwise, find someone bigger to intimidate the snot out of your kid.

S.