Help... Attitude Changes Before/after Spending Time at "Daddy's House"

Sounds like he is probably "learning" of this agressive behavior while at dad's. He must hear that talk...are there other children at his dad's house?

I had a similar problem with my son when he was growing up. His father and I divorced when he was five and every other weekend he went to his dad's and after awhile he would give me attitude when he came home. My friend has a term for it - "switching trains". With a different environment and possibly rules, kids sometimes have a difficult time adjusting back but I just gave my son some space to "come out of it" and he'd return to his normal, loving self in no time. If you have good communication with your ex, maybe you two should discuss this to make your son's "transition" from one household to another less stressful for him. Another thing that may help would be a special activity you both could do when he comes home like play a game together or read...anything that is just special for you both. Good luck.

I am in a similar situation with my daughter, she is only 2 though and her father and I have been separated/divorced since she was 8 weeks old... I have been reading a FANTASTIC book about all this that I strongly suggest any parent who is divorced should read. It is called, "Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way" and it is written by M. Gary Neuman (a licensed mental health counselor). It details each age group (Infant/Toddler, Preschooler, 6-8 year-old, 9-12 year-old, 13-17 year-old) and covers just about every issue you can imagine that you may need help dealing with and if nothing else it really helps you understand what your child may be going through. But this exact issue that you are having is covered in the book and I an more than happy to summarize what the author has to say about it if you are interested, just let me know... :)

I too have a similar problem...or had this problem with my sons grandparents(His father passes away.) He woud get very aggitated, cranky, have outbursts and was expecting me to spoil him beyond belief. For a while I just dealt with it and hoped it would go away with time. I have to say some of it did. Yet I did have to get very stearn with him and let him know what was acceptable and what wasn't. Some of it was just that it was his only time to spend with them and his 1/2 sister. They would stay up late and wake very early. Even now we occassionally have to make him take a nap after coming home. My best advice is to make sure he knows what is and isn't acceptable. No babying just because you feel you have to make something up to him. That will just feed the problem and create an even bigger issue as he gets older.

If your and your son's father have an amicable relationship, perhaps it's time to get together and sit down with your son to chat about what's going on. Approaching with open ended questions (what's up? everything okay? as opposed to 'you're being a bit of a turd lately and I don't like it one bit' :)and lots of listening on your part might bring out something that's bothering him. If this isn't workable - you may wish to consult his teachers (wondering if his behavior is showing up in school) and guidance counselor to see how you can draw out the issue that's bothering him and help him work through it more constructively. Best of luck to you all! B

I deal with the same thing with my 5 year old. It feels as though I have to "reprogram" her when she gets back from her father's house. I know that he has a more lax attitude and really is a free spirit, where I am more serious and need to have plans, routines, and schedules. If possible, I would speak to your child's father and see if he notices the behavior as well and both of you combined can try to form a plan to try to get your son off this track. In our case our daughter acts out and backtalks and I truly think she does it for the attention and I just have to give her the stern talk and let her know that rules may be different at her dad's house but that doesn't mean it's ok to treat us poorly. It's so tough when you have a situation like ours, you try your best to help your child through it and make the "best" of it, but then we have backtalking and snooty kids coming back home to us. Please just don't assume your ex is doing or saying things to your son to make him act out this way. Talk to your son and see what is going on and if he can't talk to you guys about it, find someone he can talk to. There is obviously something going on with him (not saying anything bad) but he it sounds like he is going through some emotional issues so I would see if he'll talk to someone. Always let your child know how much you and your ex love and care for him! :) Good luck.

I went through attitude changes with my daughter when she had to go to her father's as well, but she was only four at the time. My daughter would be a real snot for the 24 hours before going to his house, and then it would take me two days after she got home to get the backtalking out of her. It took me over a year to find out why, and it turned out to be caused by the most horrid of reasons - he was molesting her. I am not saying that anything like that is going on at your ex's house!! I simply want to tell you this to demonstrate how serious I am when I ask you to get a professional involved (a therapist or psychiatrist). The truth of the matter is that you do not know what is going on there because you're not there to see/hear it ... and most of us don't suspect the people who harm our kids of being capable of doing so. I knew her father was an abusive jerk - that's why I left him - but I never thought he would ever harm her in any way!! Please, get someone professional to talk with your son.

Dear E.,
I am a single mom of two boys ages 4, and 6.
First I want to say that your son and you will be okay, it will be challenging, parenting is.

Transition from house to house is overwhelming. Most children go through what your son is experiencing.

Plus he may be hearing different message from both of you that are stirring things up a bit for him. You both are doing things differently.
If you and your ex have not been able to reconcile deep rooted emotions (between your past relationship w/him) then maybe you two are passing off subliminal (energy) messages through your son.

Your home life is different from his father's home-life.
You may have a routine, structure, and expectations that his father does not have on him.

Your son may have unstructured time with his dad and with you he has to remember to wash his hands, clean up his toys, read and do homework.

You may want to use a big calendar...to help him visually see when he goes and when he comes home.

You might want to have him earn a reward during the week when he is with you that he gets when he goes to and comes home from his dad's with good behavior. Like reading 10 books = a new toy or out to ice cream when he comes home.

I hope this helps and I hope I was accurate.

May Peace, Light and Love be all around you and your family,
~A. Owens

Hi E., I got divorced when my kids were 4,2, and 1.  They are now 12, 11, and 9, so I have been doing this a while.  I am not an expert, but my kids were pretty insightful to their feelings and I learned alot from them.

Your son may have a fantasy about his mom and dad being together, and feels angry because you aren't together.

He may really just want some down time with you.  Consider keeping him for a weekend sometimes, or split the weekend with your ex.

He may just want to stay home after going to school all week, or be able to see friends on the weekend once in a while and not have to go to daddy's every time.

If he feels bad for any number of reasons, while staying with your ex, he probably thinks he 'hates' you for making him go there in the first place, then of course needs time after he gets back to 'get over it'.  A counselor or psychologist can help get the root of the problem.  I believe children act this way when they can't tell you what's wrong because they either are afraid, or just don't know how to explain their feelings.  While trying to discuss it with your ex might seem like a great idea, it could make it worse for your son if the ex is part of the problem.

Hopefully things will get better soon.  Good luck.

I am a divorced other iof two boys and have yet to face thism, but can feel that eventually I will. I ahve a friend ihn the same boat as you whio ahs a seven year old who acta exactly as you describe. Its actually a normnal response to streee ans strain around transitions and trying to figure out what limits are in both households and what commitments are from both parents. Based on the advice my friend has gotten from her son's child psycholigist the best you can do is be reassurung with him about your voe for him and his palce in your life and in your home. Also the language that you use about the different houses is very important. rather than calling it daddy's house and mommy's house, letting him know that these are 'his' houses can be important. Even calling them something like Grey Street and Blue street (naming them by address) is better than giving the impression through words that neither house is actually 'his' (obviously not intentionally, this is just something rh psychiatrist brought to my friends attention). The other important thing is not to let guilt get in the way of keeping routines and rules in place. This is the testing time where your child can really learn to take advantage of both parents in this regard. What they raelly want to know is that there ARE hard and fast rules that they can depend on and feel secure about, that you ARE unwavering, and that indeed this is a sign of your steadfast love.

Good luck!

Have you ever aksed him why he says these things? Alway respond with I love you. Your daughter lives else where maybe he thinks you are going to send him away.