Help Dealing with a Smoker Husband

My husband also smokes...... I knew he smoked when I married him, but he said he would quit.

He has tried to quit smoking MANY times over the 30 years we've been married... he's tried the patch, nicotine gum, lots of things. He's quit smoking for various lengths of time, but always went back.

I also realize that there is NOTHING I can say to make him quit smoking, and have come to realize this.

He has also been diagnosed with emphysema.... that hasn't been enough to get him to quit smoking.

He doesn't smoke in the house, or in my car, but yes, his clothes reek. There have been times when I truly didn't want to kiss him, either.

One thing to remember.... the more you nag him about it, the more stressed he will be.... and the greater will be the desire to smoke.

I don't mean this to sound harsh - imho it's not fair to date and marry someone who smokes and then get mad when he/she can't or won't quit.

With my allergies I can't tolerate any smoking which is why I've never dated anyone who smoked.

It would be great if he would quit (good for you that you did) but I don't think the nagging "you let me down" attitude will help him any. Men tend to resist and resent that approach.

I would insist that he do it outside your home (including the garage) and then try to use positive reinforcement when you see him making progress.

JMO.

You ARE nagging him. He's an adult and knows what he's doing. Sometimes the person most sensitive to smoking is the reformed smoker. Sounds like that's what's happening here. You need to come to terms with the fact that *you* have changed. You knew he was a smoker when you married him and you were too. It's great that you quit - really, that's amazing and something to be proud of - but that wasn't what you two signed up for when you married. You can't change the rules mid-game and then be angry with him when he's not on board.

If I were you, I would start with an apology to him and let him know that you are laying off about him quitting. Let him know that because you no longer smoke, that you are extra sensitive to when others smoke. That is a physical response from you and not something you can control. But that you also understand that he has an addiction to cigarettes that he can't control and doesn't want to battle with right now. Then come up with a plan together to minimize the effects of his smoking. One thing might be to have him smoke only outside and use an effective toothpaste and hand soap. Smoking outside may minimize the smell on his clothes and hair because the smoke dissipates in the air, but if his clothes smell smokey after laundering, you need a better laundry detergent. Another thing may be to have him reduce the number of cigarettes he smokes in a day. It's not quitting, but certainly fewer cigarettes is a step in the right direction.

Smoking doesn't explain his being lethargic or unmotivated. Not every problem you have with him is related to smoking, so stop framing all of your concerns that way.

My husband smoked a couple of cigarettes a day (maybe a pack a week at most) when we were dating and first married. I knew him for over a year before I ever knew that he smoked - the smell was never on his clothes, hair, hands or breath. He never smoked indoors or in his car -so if your husband can't quit entirely, if he can greatly reduce the number of cigarettes and frequency of them, it can really minimize the effect on his health and how he smells. He did quit for good several years ago with no nagging or prompting from me.

Good luck with this.

Boy do I have a lot of anecdotes for you!

My WHOLE FAMILY smoked when I was growing up. Lived in a house with my mother and her parents and my uncle lived nearby. ALL smoked. When I was about 10, my grandparents quit smoking. My grandfather picked it back up and for the next 20 years, it was a bone of contention between them. She complained about the smell and he complained about her nagging.

My parents have tried quitting several times, but one of them usually falls off the wagon .... dragging the other off with them.

I smoked for 15 years. I was a smoker when my husband and I dated. He is a NON-smoker, has never smoked, and HATES smoking. His mother and father both smoke and he's grown up around it and seeing relatives die of lung cancer. He married me anyway. However, I will say that I was pretty upfront about my plan to quit smoking before ever deciding to get pregnant.

So we got engaged and married and moved in to a house.... and I was a smoker. Then I had a few irregular Paps and had to have a colposcopy and my GYN told me I was high risk for developing cervical cancer and that quitting smoking would diminish my risk. So, I decided to quit. It was time to get my "house" in order so that I could start having children anyway.

It was NOT easy, and as with any addiction, relapse is a part of recovery. When I had to have another colposcopy six months later, I had a cigarette in protest. It made me sick and I haven't had another since.

So, I share all of this to make several points. You married a smoker and you were OK with it then. YOU changed and he hasn't kept up. You can't force someone to quit. You CAN, however, make him miserable and unravel the very fabric of your relationship. I don't think you want that either.

My suggestions are: Go to http://www.ezquit.com/ and get him a "fake cigarette". Ask that he limit his actual smoking to the workday and use the falsie at home. Perhaps talk about getting him a hookah with shisha (which has no nicotine and actually a more pleasant scent.) Those are both things that helped me get over the cigarettes. Ask him if there are any incentives you can help give him. (I became somewhat of a nymphomaniac during my quitting. My husband did not complain at all.)

A final note: I do not believe his lethargy has anything to do with the smoking, but more a response to the tension between the two of you. Find some way to connect as a couple again, make your house a home, and I'm pretty sure he'll perk back up. Especially if you're offering special Sexcapades as reward for his quit-smoking efforts.

Good luck to you both.

He smoked when you married him, you are being unfair.

I feel your pain. My husband, God love him, is a wonderful man, father, husband. However, since he's been a smoker since he was 12 years old, I worry constantly about his health. I quit about 4 years ago now. I wanted to set an example for our son, as well as change my own habits. My grandfather as well as his grandmother died from lung cancer.

My husband is not lethargic or unmotivated, he works too much, and is to goal oriented. He doesn't stop. Not to mention that he hasn't seen a physician in 15 years.

I have learned to accept the things that I can change, and understand that their are things out of my control. You can't force anyone to change, it's their ultimate decision. You can encourage, support, set an example, etc, but if they aren't willing to do it for themselves, you can't help.

I pray about this every day, and ask God to be with him as well as myself. I know it isn't easy to quit. It takes enormous will power and strength. You have to be ready and willing. He just isn't their yet.

there's this huge misconception that anyone can logic anyone else into giving up an addiction. and smoking is one of the hardest addictions with a ridiculously high recidivism rate.
i know it's crazy-making, but you can't make him quit, and certainly no one here can 'help you empower him to be the man you know he can be.' NO one quits until they're ready, and not quitting is NOT due to lack of love, or motivation, or sloppiness, or weakness.
if you're repulsed, tweaked, disgusted, turned-off and that's all you talk about to him, then YOU'VE reached a point of no return. you can do whatever you need to do.
but you can't nag him into quitting. or shame him. or threaten him. or logic him. if you can support him, do that. if not, learn to live with it or leave.
i know it sounds harsh. i'm sorry. it's a very tough truth.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Perhaps look into an e-cigarette for him. Still gets his nicotine fix but no smell, no carcinogens, no second hand smoke- none of that disgusting stuff. Sure he may get addicted to the e-cig, but it's way easier to bear than a tobacco cigarette. I know you think- "Well I did it, so can he!" But maybe a he just needs a new approach.
Hope this helps!

Tell him that you love him and want him to be healthy for himself, you and the kids and that when he's ready to quit that you will be there to support him however necessary and then LAY OFF it altogther. Fighting about it and nagging about it does no good (and can become a passive-aggressive control issue). Besides, he's apparently always been a smoker, and you were too. The leopard didn't change its spots. It's great that you've quit, and it'd definitely be the best thing for his health and the family's. However, it's also a personal thing that he has to be ready to do on his own without being guilted and nagged into it; Otherwise, it will never work . His last attempt at quitting wasn't a failure, it was a starting point. What did he like about it? What did he learn from it? Is he smoking less? He is not a failure for falling back into a habit/addiction that he's had for many years....he at least attempted to quit and may do so again in the future. He probably feels guilty that he didn't quit on his last ttempt, and it only makes it worse to be regularly reminded of that. Unless you consider that time as a learning rather than a failure, he's less likly to try it again and go through this again.

My husband smoked for most of our 20+ year marriage & stopped just over 3 years ago. I've NEVER been a smoker and am asthmatic, so you can imagine how "happy" his addiction made me. He was always considerate and didn't smoke in the house, still there was no getting away from it. Can you tell how I TOTALLY get your point? You are absolutely correct in wanting him to stop.

That being said, you need to back off. The smoking/not smoking thing is HIS, not yours. Trust me, he knows how you feel. How exactly is you nagging him going to help?

So, what is YOURS in this situation? Your own behavior and attitude. Fix it. Really. If you want to be a happy family, you need to work on you. Not sure if you participate in Lenten sacrifice or anything but, as my Catholic mom says, "offer it up." ;-) So, let's totally take the religion out of it. Each morning, think of one thing your husband does or did that you love about him. Is it his sense of humor? His easy-going nature? His energy? What? And then stop yourself before you say how it should be better or how he doesn't do that anymore. THen, each night, think of one thing he did that day that was good. And again, slap yourself if your thinking goes to how it SHOULD have been better. Look for the good.

Look at yourself & without being righteous about it, give yourself a pat on the back for what YOU did well that day -- regardless of how someone else might have let you down.

Let the smoking go. You are not helping your husband. You are not helping yourself and, really, you are not helping your boys.

Sorry, mama. You are awesome that you've been able to give it up and that you want the man you love to be healthy and happy. Once my husband made that choice for himself and for us I was (& still am) so very, very happy -- but it needed to be his choice. Pressure makes us resist. Lack of pressure helps us go forward. Let your husband go forward on his own terms.

Hug, sweetie. I know this sucks.

Updated

My husband smoked for most of our 20+ year marriage & stopped just over 3 years ago. I've NEVER been a smoker and am asthmatic, so you can imagine how "happy" his addiction made me. He was always considerate and didn't smoke in the house, still there was no getting away from it. Can you tell how I TOTALLY get your point? You are absolutely correct in wanting him to stop.

That being said, you need to back off. The smoking/not smoking thing is HIS, not yours. Trust me, he knows how you feel. How exactly is you nagging him going to help?

So, what is YOURS in this situation? Your own behavior and attitude. Fix it. Really. If you want to be a happy family, you need to work on you. Not sure if you participate in Lenten sacrifice or anything but, as my Catholic mom says, "offer it up." ;-) So, let's totally take the religion out of it. Each morning, think of one thing your husband does or did that you love about him. Is it his sense of humor? His easy-going nature? His energy? What? And then stop yourself before you say how it should be better or how he doesn't do that anymore. THen, each night, think of one thing he did that day that was good. And again, slap yourself if your thinking goes to how it SHOULD have been better. Look for the good.

Look at yourself & without being righteous about it, give yourself a pat on the back for what YOU did well that day -- regardless of how someone else might have let you down.

Let the smoking go. You are not helping your husband. You are not helping yourself and, really, you are not helping your boys.

Sorry, mama. You are awesome that you've been able to give it up and that you want the man you love to be healthy and happy. Once my husband made that choice for himself and for us I was (& still am) so very, very happy -- but it needed to be his choice. Pressure makes us resist. Lack of pressure helps us go forward. Let your husband go forward on his own terms.

Hug, sweetie. I know this sucks.

This is such a hard one. You are indeed nagging him, and that's truly all he hears. You have children; you know how a person's hearing easily becomes selective!

On the other hand, you're nagging him because you love him. On the other hand, he doesn't hear love - he just hears nag.

On the other hand, you know how bad he smells and he doesn't. On the other hand, a man who feels nagged is likely to dig in his heels and not budge for love or money.

I sound like Tevye in "Fiddler on the Roof."

You were able to quit, but that was because YOU were determined to, and you can't make anyone else determined to - especially with an addiction like this. It's impossible to do. All the words and tears and scenes are not moving him; however, they are threatening your marriage and teaching your boys that marriage is about fighting and bickering.

What you may have to do is quit again - the arguing. You may have to say, "Bill, I hate the smell, and I despise the fact that you're killing yourself because I'd like you around for another fifty years or so. But I'm telling you now that I'm not going to say another word about it to you, ever. I'll tell the boys what I think of smoking, but I want them to respect you in everything else, so I'm shutting up." Then you'll have to give up the words, the looks, the eye-rolling, all that communication - completely. If it's too hard for you to do, talk to a counselor about how to do it.

I know this sounds as if there's something wrong with you and your husband is perfectly fine, but it isn't really. Sometimes this is the only way to give a guy a chance to turn around, IF he will.

I married a smoker, too. He's been nicotine-free for almost twenty years now. He has several other medical problems, and I'm glad that he decided for himself to ditch the cigarette one before these other, um, adventures started coming on.

This is hard because YOU are the one who has changed and given up a very unhealthy habit/addiction, which is a good thing of course, but you can't make HIM change.
He KNOWS smoking is bad for him and he knows how much you want him to quit. Stop nagging and set some ground rules together.
I was a moderate smoker for a few years in my early 20's, but having grown up in the home of a heavy smoker I knew how nasty the smell could be. I only smoked outside, never in the house or garage, and I never smoked in the car.
So instead of trying to get him to quit, use this approach:
"Ok, if you are going to smoke I need you to do it outside, AWAY from the house....also, I don't think I can be intimate with you anymore, the smell is just too much for me. We may need to consider sleeping apart for a while."
See what he has to say.
Work something out.
You can't make him quit, he needs to do that himself.
I know smoking is a nasty habit but if he's a good husband and father I'd hate to see it cause the end of your marriage and breakup of your family. Since you can't change him it is up to YOU to decide what you are willing to live with.

Time to have a renegotiation.

Be calm, and non confrontational with him.
Be honest that you love him, but not his smoking.

Then see what the 2 of you can come up with to get the smoking away from your home and your children.

We have very good friends and the husband smokes. He is our only friend that still smokes.

Once his wife was pregnant, they decided he would not be allowed to smoke in thier home or the car the children travel in. This means he smokes in his own car and the children never ride in that car.

They ave a garage with a little work room out there, if it is raining or late at night he will smoke in there. Otherwise he has a place he designed and built in the back corner of the yard.. He goes out there to smoke. It is a nice flat spot with chairs and ashtray and a fire pit..

The saddest thing is that when his children were in school and learned about the dangers of smoking, they were so upset with their father. They begged him to quit, but he just could not.. They also saw how he became such a grumpy angry bear when he tried to stop.

Now that his children are grown, they are now realizing that their father is the age, HIS OWN FATHER died of lung Cancer!!!!

I have not spoken with the girls in a few years, but i do remember his eldest was upset that her father was always having to "step out" during important events.She hated it was because he was smoking.

All I can say is that I feel your pain. I don't have any advice (I'm sorry!), but I cannot STAND the smell of cigarette smoke. I used to have to get up and move in college if a smoker came and sat next to me, because the smell gives me migraines, and I felt terribly rude about it, but I wasn't going to suffer through intense pain, lack of concentration, flashing auras and that awful smell for an entire day just to be polite.

But you were a smoker, so you probably already know that quitting any addiction needs to be self-motivated. What about a patch or an e-cigarette? I agree with the other posters that you are nagging, but I also agree with you that you shouldn't have to. He should do this for you. I'm sorry I can't help, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone.

I couldn't personally stand it -- see my question on husband smelling. I got together with a smoker friend yesterday, and noticed how bad she smells. She doesn't want to know about it, but everything about her stinks. I would never be able to have sex with her.

I don't have a good solution for you, just wanted to empathize.