How to Calm the Subject

He's a nicotine addict and doesn't see it as a problem.
My husband and I consider smoking to be something we'd divorce over if one of us took it up - we both can't stand it.
Plus we've been to way too many funerals for friends, family and co-workers who died before their time due to tobacco related illnesses.
Lung cancer, lung cancer, heart attack, emphysema, heart attack, mouth/throat cancer (he liked chewing tobacco), liver cancer, lung cancer, COPD, and one more lung cancer.
We're tired of watching loved ones wheeze to death in agony.
Either you're going to have to accept the smoking and live with it or you're going to have to leave him.
Which it will be is entirely up to you.

Well unless he took this up after you got married him...you married a smoker. You knew what you were getting into and married him and had kids with him anyway. Kind of unfair of you to now decide that it's a problem. Because you are so offended by the smell I wonder...are you a former smoker? I only ask because in my experience, no one is as intolerant of smokers as former smokers.

If your issue really is the kids, then have him come to an appointment with the pulmonologist and hear directly from the doctor that for a child with asthma, the airway is overly sensitive. A cigarette odor on clothing means that some of the chemicals from the smoke are still present on the clothing. Those chemicals could irritate the airways of someone with asthma. See if there is a way for him to change and thoroughly wash up before getting close to the kids. Has he tried an e-cigarette? A friend who got tired of spending $10 a box recently is using those and really likes them. Perhaps that would be a better option when the kids are around. That might be easier for him to consider than quitting entirely.

You married him, and he's a smoker.
For better, or worse, right?
Unless he is exposing your daughter to actual smoke then he's not doing anything to trigger her asthma.
That's just a smell you don't like, and something you need need to deal with.
Or not.
Like a spouse gaining weight...can you still find them attractive? Is it a good enough reason to break up a family?

I would never even date a smoker because I really dislike the smell. Having said that...you married a smoker. You may not like the smell but I don't see why smelling smoke on someone's clothes would trigger an asthma attack. As long as he is not smoking near your kids, I just don't see the problem. Unless your husband started smoking after you were married or you had a prior agreement that he would change his clothes after smoking it seems to me that you are the one that has changed the rules. Please be fair to your husband.
Another thought... If he is lying to you about his smoking habits it may be because he does not want to hear you nagging him about it. You are his wife not his mother.

I truly think you're over reacting. You don't like the smell of smoke, that's okay.

BUT you married him. YOU had children with him. He smoked when you got married? You have to let this go. The more you focus on it the more he's going to dig in his heels. He's not a child. He does not smoke inside his own home.

He's already making concessions.

Almost every one of my grand kids had asthma when they were younger. I carry a portable nebulizer with me all the time. Their mom smokes. She smokes outside and her "smell" has never triggered an asthma attack.

I have the highest allergy to tobacco that my allergist has ever seen. When he did allergy testing on me they roughed up the cells on my back then paint the allergen on my skin. I reacted so badly to tobacco that I made a blister the size of a salad plate. He gave me a shot of eppi and Benadryl after the tests.

I do not, nor have I ever, had a reaction to my daughter's smell. Does she have tobacco residue on her clothes? Yes. Do I react to it? No. Not at all, never.

So, your issue can only be that you don't like how he smells. There are no other issues. His smell will not trigger anything in anyone.

You have to decide how much you want to stay married.

He's going to get tired of you nagging at him that he smells. He's going to dig in his heels and start staying away, going straight to the bedroom or home office and lock himself in all evening only to come out at bedtime. He'll still not shower so you'll start making him sleep in another room...

So, decide now. Can you live with his cigarette smell or do you want to live on your own. If he gets visitation then he'll still be smoking around the kids. So you'll lose all control of what he does.

It's up to you. I'd just get over the obsession with his smell.

Why is your daughter off her meds when she is still being exposed to cigarette smoke? She probably still needs an emergency inhaler or preventative coverage. Why don't you take him to one of her doctor's appts for the asthma. Let the doctor discuss the impact of smoking on regular lungs and asthmatic lungs--they are both bad, but for an asthmatic, it could be the difference between life and death. Perhaps he could shower before visiting with the kids when he gets home from work. I think that smoking status is also a determining factor in custody arrangements for parents- that is how serious this is. You might consider marriage counseling to learn how to communicate with him better. Good luck!

What about having him come home and take a shower to get rid of the heavy layer of the day. Then he can put on clean clothes, and when he has to go outside, hopefully he can wait until the kids are done for the day, he can put on a "smoking jacket" that covers his clothes and maybe even gloves...and he can leave them in the mud room or where ever so that his clothes remain relatively smoke free and his hands do to. I'm sorry to say that his breath will still be smelly. Maybe he should eat garlic? :) Anyway, my sister stands outside the car with the windows down all the time and then leans in to put it out in the ashtray. So, it is possible he is telling you the truth, but....only you can be the judge of that.

I hope that helps. Tell him in advance that you want to have conversation later about how to compromise with the smoking so that you can let it go and be done with it. Then, give him time to process that and agree to a time later. Then, focus on I statements. I am concerned about our daughter's breathing, and I need you to help me decide the best course of action for her.

you know, when my teenage son started smoking....I knew immediately. I am highly sensitive to the smoke & it makes me sick.

When he went in for hip replacement surgery, he had to quit. The surgeon refused to touch him while smoking. Sooo, my son quit. This was in August of 2010. Prior to this time, I used an inhaler about 2/3 of each year & used Singulair and Zyrtec daily.

With surgery, we moved his room to the guest room. I gutted his old room & redid it. Within the 1st month, I was off the inhaler....& also was able to limit the Zyrtec to occasional use. I was happy!

& even better, he still doesn't smoke.....& I'm able to limit my inhaler to just seasonal. We burn wood for heat & that triggers me. The rest of the year I don't need my inhaler. Only bummer....now he chews. Gag.

Whoooops! My answer: are you using emotional manipulation to get him to quit? If you are, then you are part of the problem. His issue is both his addiction + the need to make an adverse choice based on your own behavior. My DH smoked from childhood to age 45 or so. He tried to quit a couple of times & it didn't work. Zyban worked wonders for him & only because HE was ready to quit. With my son, auriculotherapy (the ear technique) worked very well for him....& on the 1st try. :)

You've made your point with him. He knows how you feel. He can't, or won't, quit right now, maybe not ever. He's also lying to you , or you think he is, or a combination.

You can't control him. You can control yourself and your own reaction. You have some control over your children, especially the asthmatic one.

First thing: join a support group for those with addicted spouses. Learn how to deal with, and not deal with, these habits. There are things to say and do, and things not to. They can help you develop strategies, and also give you support.

Next, give him a separate, sealed laundry hamper - most hampers have some air circulation, but that's a problem in this case. It might even be one of those step-on trash containers that are fully sealed. Put it in his closet and put your clothes in another closet, even if it's in your kids' closets/rooms. Don't share a dresser with your husband. And don't do his laundry. Not one pair of socks. Label a laundry basket "Dad" and tell the kids not to go near it. If you can't stand being around him because of the smell, then keep your distance, even if it means sleeping in another room. Don't be passive-aggressive about it. Just say, matter-of-factly, that the smell is really strong and you need your rest.

Don't let the kids ride in his car. There's residual smoke in there, and there is probably tar residue on the inside of the windows. When my parents sold their house, they had some professional cleaners come in. You cannot believe the filth on the inside of the windows. It was so pronounced that my mother quit smoking in their new house.

His doctor cannot talk to you without a signed release, but you can talk to his doctor. Write him a letter about your husband's habit and the extent of it. Insist that his next physical include some additional testing for smoking-related illnesses so that cancer and emphysema and asthma are caught earlier. Most health insurance plans will pay for smoking cessation programs.

You probably should increase his life insurance coverage because he's shortening his own life. Make sure those premiums are paid off. You might take the same amount of money he uses for cigarettes and channel that into something else positive - a fund to take your children away for a smoke-free weekend (without him), or a cleaning service to come in and remove the smell from the rooms he's in the most often.

Talk to your pediatrician about other steps to take. If you can take your husband to the next few appointments (or even better, send him with the kids and without you, and ask the pedi to ask questions directly of your husband about anyone smoking in the house or car). If you're not there, your husband might be more honest, and your pedi can identify the smell of smoke in the office, confronting your husband.

It sounds like your husband started smoking as a reaction after the devastating loss of your daughter 9 years ago. Grief is a terrible thing and sometimes needs some specialized counseling. Ironically, your husband's habit is endangering the other children you have. He needs help but not from you at this point. It's also possible that, having lost a child, you are panicked about losing other children to breathing-related illnesses and even your husband due to smoking. That can be very anxiety-producing and make you hyper-sensitive to the smells, the sights and the very thought of hazardous behaviors.

There are things you can do to strengthen your daughter's immune system - I'm not sure why you have her off her meds. Did she have a problem with them or has she been free of attacks lately? You're coming into the winter with houses (and cars) closed up - so those things might flare up again. I'm not a huge proponent of medication when other things will do, but there is a use for them and perhaps you should have an inhaler or nebulizer on hand for her.

There is a new anti-inflammatory measure (all natural, well-researched, made in a US plant overseen by the FDA) that help with a lot of things including the inflammation in asthma-affected lungs. I also work with a fellow who quit smoking by boosting his immune system - he got rid of colds and flu symptoms, and felt so good he actually forgot to smoke.

So, I think, as with all addictions, you can't get the person to quit. But you can stop enabling and in a more assertive but less confrontational way.

Since he isn't willing to quit, and you obviously can't make him, would he consider alternatives? Chewing tobacco comes to mind as well as electronic cigarettes. Neither are any better for HIS health but at least there is no smoke residue stuck to his skin or clothes that will trigger your child's asthma or reek.
I would also suggest you seek counseling, I cannot imagine that this would be a situation I could tolerate for years.
Good luck.

My husband and I are in this same position, except I am the smoker and he is not.... my Husband knew I smoked when we met, I quit when I found out I had thyroid cancer, then (like an idiot!) I started back up.... quit again when I found out I was pregnant, and swore I wasn't going to start back up. Well, then I hurt myself at work and didn't know when/if I was going to be able to go back to work, so on my way home from PT, I (again, like an idiot!) stopped and bought a pack of smokes. What I'm getting at, is I kept it from my husband until recently when his mother passed,. and I couldn't hide it anymore, the stress of keeping it from him was too much.

We talked about it, I know how he feels and how much he dislikes it, and I try not to smoke around him.

My suggestions, are hand sanitizer - it will remove a lot of the odor from his hands immediately, mints, and maybe a small bottle of febreeze by the door for when he comes in...

So sorry for your loss. I'm assuming the pressure, stress and everything that comes with such a tragedy would drive a person to smoke and then some. With that said, my husband was a very heavy smoker for almost 20 years. Last May he tried the e-cigarettes and that was it. There are different brands and different tastes and it may take a while for him to find the one that suits him, but worth a try, don't you think? My husband likes the Logic, and it's cheaper than buying cigs these days anyway. It doesn't give off any odors, his clothes don't stink and niether does he for that matter.

smoking's pretty awful, yeah. and this from an ex-smoker who smoked most of her adult life, kids begging me to quit.
nagging doesn't help.
you quit when you're ready to quit, period.
i'm more concerned about the utter lack of ability to communicate. you have been together for a long time, have survived the worst loss any parents could ever face together, gone on to have more children together- and yet you still can't communicate in a healthy fashion.
you were both smokers when you met. he's never been a non-smoker. so your inability to discuss it with him rationally is doubtless just as upsetting to him as the smoking is to you.
i don't think you can 'calm the subject' at this point since it seems to be absolutely brimming with other issues that have become all tangled up inside it. and i don't think you can bully him into quitting. what you can do, with time and the right counselor, is figure out how to address the underlying stuff, and come to some sort of a reasonable compromise on the smoking.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Time to go to marriage counseling. If he would lie to you about smoking in the car, he will lie to you about other things. At least in marriage counseling, you two can put all your cards on the table. The first issue is the LYING, not the cigarettes. The second issue is the cigarettes. You two need to come to a meeting of the minds about the cigarettes and what he needs to give up in order to not make your child sick. That means smoking OUTSIDE where it's not in an enclosed space that will make him reek of it.

One thing you need to make him understand is that even though HE can't smell himself, you can. It is infuriating for someone to lie to your face about something that is RIGHT THERE. Little kids do that - they break something while you're watching and just flat out say they didn't do it. But little kids have an underdeveloped brain. Your husband's brain is NOT underdeveloped. He has no excuse for lying.

If he won't go to counseling, I wouldn't sleep in the same bed with him until he faces this issue WITH you, and not against you.