Hey Mama's!
I need some help. My Aunt's daughter (my cousin) died 10 weeks ago and my Aunt is just a mess. She is feeling very alone, sad and just devastated. Recently, I was told that my son would need Open Heart Surgery and so I get, more than most people, the pain and isolation that she is feeling but I still don't think that I can help her. If you have been through this, could you e-mail me? I have a few questions and need some guidance on things that I could say, do and give to her.
Update: My cousin was 39 and died unexpectedly. She was relatively healthy but did struggle with a minor case of Cerebral Palsy and so she had health issues all her life but we never expected her to be so sick so quick and die. My son is 7.
My sister died suddenly from a gun accident. We were all a mess. It took a lot of time for us. Grief counseling and a support group might help...
often people avoid talking about the deceased, not wanting to cause more grief. but what most grieving folks want to do is to talk about their loved one, and hear others talk about them to, with laughter and love.
call her when you have time, and follow her lead. if she wants to be left alone you'll know, but probably she needs someone to listen. and reminisce with her.
good luck with your son's surgery, please update!
khairete
S.
Look up Compassionate Friends on-line- they are a support group for parents who have lost children or have disabled children. I have very dear friends who were very active after they lost their 2 year old daughter. It was very helpful for them. So many people in not knowing what to say, say things that are hurtful. So to be with a group who knows exactly what you are going through can be of tremendous comfort for some people.
All my best to you and your family!
I haven't been through that particular tragedy. I am sad for your aunt. But I have two friends that lost immediate family members. My best friend lost her mom to cancer and my other friend had her two sons in a bad car accident, one son died and the other was very injured.
They both told me that no one wanted to talk to them because no one knew what to say, so people avoided eye contact and avoided them. So maybe even in you don't know what to say and don't know how to help, just tell her that and ask her if she wants to talk. My friends said they wanted to talk about it but felt like people were too freaked out to talk because they were so worried about saying the wrong thing and seeing them cry.
Everyone deals differently, my son died when he was 8yrs old in an accident. He was my only child. I went through shock at first then just being numb like you can't see anything or feel anything just like being a robot, then anger and sadness also denial. my sister had some people from compassionate friends come to the house to talk to me, but it only made me mad. I was not ready to share with strangers. Some people do memorial things for people in the name of the person who passed like volunteering for the issue she had, some retreat into just wanting to be alone, some need family around alot so they don't feel so lonely. You never get over the death of a child its the worst thing in the whole world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only thing I could say is you learn how to live without them and that takes the rest of your own life. If I could have him back for just one day I would do anything! I am sure your son will be just fine, please let us all know how everything went! Take care A.
I agree with the person who said to call her every day to say hi and ask how she is doing. Losing a child is never easy--and I don't think people "get over it". My son is 2 and has a heart defect as well (already had 2 OHS and need one more). Unfortunately we know too many families who lost children (most under the age of 5) with heart defects. My mom always said, "You should never have to bury your children". I am so sorry for your family's loss.
Wow, you're in some tough emotional circumstances. I really feel for you. I agree that Compassionate Friends is a good personal resource for your aunt. There ususally are some people in the group whose child died years ago and they have a lot to offer a newly grieved person. Checking in with your aunt is a good idea but it will probably be difficult with being preoccupied with your son. If you could manage an e mail a couple times a week just letting her know you are thinking of her would probably be greatly appreciated. If you want to give her something, find something personal and lovely. Many people like to wear a necklace with a heart, birthstone or other meaningful thing. Others like to have a flowering tree planted or a stone lamb or angel to put in their gardens. If you have any photos of your cousin, copy them and send them along with a fun or endearing memory.
Unfortunately, grieving people can't ignore grief, they have to go through it and that takes time and energy. I pray all will be well with your son and you and your family.
Go to www.hopeingrace.org and email my SIL Jaclyn. She created the organization after the loss of her daughter (a triplet) Grace in July of 09. She has been walking through the mourning process and knows all to well what your aunt is feeling.
Not to mention, Grace was born with a congenital heart defect. This organization was created in her memory. Jaclyn will reply to you. She is very compassionate and more amazing and strong than I could ever be. Blessings to you!
D. (Tell her D. suggested you contact her)
I would imagine your Aunt needs to hear from you every day. "Hi, just called to tell you I love you".
You didn't say the circumstances about how the child died or how old, but no matter what grieving is grieving. She will be a mess for a long time no matter what and only itsy bitsyteensy steps back into the world will help her. You can love and love her and give advice but she will need to sit alone, with others, whatever, and scream and cry. It is unfair, sad and horribly lonely. There are groups to help through hospitals and I am sure NAMI (National organization for mental illness) but I am sure she is reacting normally. And that means she will be a mess Break this into two parts: you can help by doing everyday things for her, if that is possible or if you are geographically close enough, cleaning, cooking, encouraging. You can let her vent her feelings. Now, you are facing something that can be terrifying and of course brings up the what ifs? Again, I do not know how old your child is, but if there is a way to be optimistic, despite your what ifs, there are many skilled doctors out there and while you are worried they do amazing things. They have been trained and specialized to deal with open heart surgery and there are social workers ready to work with families. You are both going to get through these things with time. And you can open up to her and let her open up to you about your fears, your heartbreak and sadness. I'm not sure if time heals all wounds, but it will pass and there might be others out there who will benefit from both of your experiences and determination. Prayers and God bless you.
My cousin died unexpectedly at 36. My best advice to you is to BE THERE. i know that sounds generic, but I mean it. Call her, frequently. Stop by, send meals, cards, give her your time. Two years after my cousin died, we found out almost two late my aunt was losing it. She was so heartbroken, and sad and lonely that she wasn't coping. Just because they seem okay 6 months later DOESNT mean they are! If you want to message me personally, I'm open. I've seen alot of unespected deaths in my time :(
