Help from Any One Would Be Well Received.....

Hi B., i agree with the other responces start with changing the foods in the cuboards and refridgerator. then speak with the dr. where is the biological mother? maybe there are some supressed feelings for him inregards to his mother and his way might be eating. but what a mother you are for dealing with this. its nice to know there are step moms out there just like you ,it sounds like you got some great advice. but just start with one thing and work from there but dad should get involved. i wish you good luck and thanks for being such a great mom.

growing boys do eat alot. But if he's getting pudgy at all I'd take him to the dr. to see if there is a physical reason for eating so much. And then the dr can talk with him about his weight and the need to keep it down. He'll probably listen to the dr more than he will to you. I'd also ask the dr for a nutrition handout and if there is a nutritionist who works with kids. And then make an appointment with the nutritionist.

If there is any possibility that he's eating for emotional reasons I'd start him with a counselor. The school counselor is a good place to start.

And I'd keep only healthy foods around. Foods that are close to their natural state. No chips, candy, processed food. You could stop paying for the breakfast at school.

Have his father sit down with him (I'm hearing more and more that the birth parent in the house needs to be the one who presents and enforces rules. You should be involved but he needs to know that this is what his father expects) to let him know that in this house we eat 3 meals and have 2 small snacks. He is 11 and you can control what he eats. In fact it's imperative that you do for his health's sake. Not only to prevent obesity now but to help him learn good eating habits. How he eats now will most likely the way he will eat for the rest of his life.

There is nutrition information on the internet which can help. The school nurse may be able to help too.

You step-son sounds like he eats in a was similar to my step-son. His father wouldn't get involved. My step-son is now 19 and definately over weight.

i ate like that when i was his age, i had a fast metabolism. minimize the portions but allow him to eat often during the day. also healthy up the snacks, apples, cheese, jello, crakers, also drinking more fluids can help too (juices and milk) my mother took away all my snacks and made me only eat 3 times a day so my meals were gigantic. also, is he in sports? if so hungry boys need to eat, and just like babies when boys hit a growth spurt they eat like crazy!

They so totally overfeed the kids at school these days. But they realized that alot of kids don't eat at home for many reasons. Schools had to start feeding them so they would get some nourishment during their day. Drug parents rarely have enough food in their kitchens to feed a mouse... These kids would not eat at all, if not for the school meal programs. I would give him a choice like either eat at home in the a.m. OR at school~ but you cannot do both as you are overeating then. He does not realize what is happening at his age with calories. So you have to teach him if his dad is too busy or uninformed himself. If he was in sports , he would burn it off. Maybe you could not only teach him about storing calories like a bank account does money, or get him signed up for a sport he enjoys doing daily. If all else fails, he is doing emotional eating or just making bad choices for meals and snacks-- I assume while he is at school. At home feed him fruit and low fat drinks after school . Washed and cut up raw veggies/fruits with low fat ranch dressing are good choices. Teach him at home about good foods vs. bad ones. We could literally eat all day and "graze". It is just about WHAT you eat when you "graze". If it is more deep seated and he is doing emotional eating, that is going to be a life time curse! He will always have a weight problem if not corrected now. There is a saying:"It is not what you eat that is killing you , but what is eating AT you". Kids sometimes overeat when they are abused, feel unloved, emotionally abandoned etc. If he is trying to fill a void in his heart with food, fill it with lots more love, affection, attention, Just you and me times & talking openly. I did what my grandma called a personal first name(fill in the blank)Day. ie:Today or tomorrow we are going to have a "Johnny Day". He gets to be one on one with either his dad and or you for a few hours a day or one day a week or every 2 weeks and HE gets to choose the activities of the day or half day. Just time alone with this hurting child. His dad needs to pick up the pace in this area also. Some parents are available physically just by the merit of being in the house. Being "emotionally UN-available" to the child at any age is devastating to them emotionally. It will only get worse if not addressed. Soon it could be drugs or alcahol or illicit sex he tries to fill the void with. You are a wise woman to recognize he is not happy with his weight either. Try counselling and/or Weight Watchers. Both will deal with and heal the emotional eating (if dad is still unavailable should that be the case). Good Luck!

All the boys in my family went through that when they were around that age, and they got kinda chubby by the time they got to be 13-14 they grew tall and skinny. It may just be part of growing up process. You also don't need to worry a ton as long as his calorie intake is going out also. Just make sure he stays active and not just sitting in front of a game or something. Make sure his snacks are good snacks that fill him up, like peanut butter or cottage cheese and crackers. Just make sure that you your husband and your son are on the same page. See if your son is worried, and if he is eating unconcously. And if he asures you that he is just hungry than make sure he is active enough to work off as much as he puts in.

I don't understand how his school food isn't in your control. My son's school serves breakfast prior to normal school hours, and if I don't bring him early and/or pay for breakfast, he doesn't eat it. Perhaps if you can't stop him from eating breakfast at school, you can not offer it to him at home. When serving meals for dinner, serve a reasonable portion and put the rest away right away so there are no seconds or thirds. Include more veggies for bulk, and if he's still hungry, offer fruit or veggies for snacking. Don't have snack foods in the house that are empty calories. Offer specific foods that are allowed after school (maybe a specific shelf in the pantry or in the fridge). On the flip side, by specifically telling him you're cutting back his food because he's eating too much, or making him "diet", you can really cause some serious issues with food, leading to worse problems later. Just peg it on "having read some cool nutritional info, and you've decided to include a wider variety of body and brain building food."

Dear B.,
In my food - minded ness, I recently discovered some tricks that may help your son.
*Diet canned drinks are delicious with fresh lime or Lemon
*fresh vegetables with a HANDMADE dressing (like yoghurt-base dip brightened with herbs and a small amount of FRESH garlic paste) are irresitable!
* soy milk is great in an icecream maker and can be artifically sweetened and mixed with endless combinations or choices of fruit, dry fruit, and spices. (I recomend ripe persimmons!)
* unsweetened granolas and hot cereals are delicious with artificial sweeteners.

I hope you can get him into a athletic team of some kind! All my best!1

Hi B.,
It's great that you are aware and concerned!
I went through the same thing my daughter when she was in 1st grade, she ate multiple snacks a day and all three meals, at dinner she would eat more than I would then she would want dessert before bed.
She had just started a new school and I knew that she was having some trouble fitting in and trouble with a bully. I'm also a single mom and we have a wonderful relationship but she doesn't see her dad that often and when she does it is usually a very stressful time for her. I found out later that she also had other stresses in her life.
I wanted to talk to her but didn't know how to start a healthy dialog without triggering guilty eating or even a starting of an eating disorder.
So I took her to the Doctor and I spoke with the doctor in private. The doctor said the this kind of eating in children is often their way of dealing with an emotional problem and suggested she see and therapist. We went to the therapist (which we called the talking doctor) and my daughter loved it! I was able to learn how to talk to my daughter about her eating which turned out to be not that big of a deal at all. The problem was that my daughter needed to get in better touch with her feelings and learn how to open up and share them. She saw the therapist for over a year and it was the best thing I ever did for us.
I know your son is older than my daughter was but it is crucial that you help your son now. And remember that it is most likely not about the food, he is using the food to cover something up or make himself feel better. Get him help before the food turns into something more harmful.

Hope this is helpful.

Concerned mom,
Steph

B.,

My daughter went through something very similar. She ate as if she thought someone was going to take food away from her and she ate huge portions at every meal. She put on a lot of weight over the course of a few years and I didn't want to nag at her because I didn't want to make things worse.

It wasn't until she went in the opposite direction and became an anorexic that we realized she had had an abnormal relationship with food and eating for years--basically, she was a binger but not a purger.

Please get your step son some help. Start with his regular doctor and ask him for recommendations--a nutritionist with experience in food-related disorders, a psychiatrist to help him understand what the food really represents to him.

It's going to be hard but just the fact that you realize there is already a problem is significant. Take care.

J.

Hi B.,

As mentioned in earlier responses I agree that you should pay close attention to;

What kinds of food is he eating all day? I would assume not real good if its from the school. It is not always how much food he is eating but the types of food he is choosing to eat. And drink, soft drinks are huge and these kids spend alot more time drinking that than water. Encourage drinking alot more water. At his age I would not limit his food, nor sound discouraged about his weight or eating habits. Try to turn it into a positive thing and focus on the healthy habits side of things.

What kinds of activities (sports, chess club, etc) do you have him involved in physically and socially as an outlet for both the pysical stimulation and the mental /emotional stimulation. It is so crucial for a growing boy to be able to balance the quick growth spurts some go through, and with all going on in their heads about fitting in and making friends, etc.

What kinds of eating habits and social activities are the rest of the family (including mom & dad) involved in? This is important too, because as we grew up learning 'do as I say, not as I do' by our parents. It has now been proven that has no bearing on changing the mind of whether a teen decides to smoke, drink, eat excessively, etc. But, that they follow our lead by example. We are their role models in all aspects and they will more than likely follow in our footsteps unknowingly, because that is what they see and know. Not saying we should shoot to be perfect parents, its not possible but if your going to be teaching certain life principles to your kids, make sure your following them yourself.

How well do you or your husband communicate with him? Girls have a tendancy to want to talk, and have an easier time of getting out how they feel. Boys, (i have a 17 yr old myself) to get them to discuss how they are feeling or why they do certain things is like pulling teeth. But, keep it up.. the more you show that your interest in his health (not the lack thereof) the more he will begin to come around and slowly open up to you Communication is key.

Good luck hon.. raising kids.. aint it fun tho! It really is a challenging and very rewarding thing for us as parents go through. We learn just as much if not more about ourselves as we do about the little people we bring into this world. It is THE hardest job on the earth, and there is no training prior to, we just learn as we go. I would lastly recommend maybe to open things up, say you are going to start going for a 30 minute walk every afternoon and ask if he'd like to go so YOU dont have to do it alone. Then he thinks he is helping you out, and it will give you a chance to talk one on one plus get your excercise. Take care ~

Hi B.,

I would be concerned too. Once on the trail to obesity, the road coming back is a very difficult one. I wish my mother would have figured out how to help me at a young age. Body image and self esteem are very sensitive areas and are difficult to figure out how to get to the goal without damaging him emotionally. He needs to be a very large part of the decision making here. But he will need specific guidance from you and you may need professional guidance to help you provide him with what he needs. Reinforcement is a must, but be cautious with punishment or ridicule. His siblings need to be supportive, but need to be instructed not to tattle tail, because this could be detrimental to his success. He needs to learn how to control his intake and activity. If you do it all for him at a later date he will not know how to do it himself and the problem may reoccur.

I started on the road to obesity when I was young. My weight has come off and back on a number of times in my life. And each reoccurrence of the excess weight is related to a stress event in my life, i.e. change of schools, car accident, change in activity level such as participation in sports, relationships that have gone bad. And as I’m regaining the weight the people around be who love me don’t stop me or make me recognize the weight gain, because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I sure wish that they would before it gets out of the bounds, and the road back is a long one. So I do encourage you to help him at this stage, since you have recognized a problem. Get him turned around as soon as possible.

Any doctor that I have talked to about diets and weight loss states that the only way to lose weight is to burn more calories than you eat, period. All of the diet fads in the world are not the solution. There is not a miracle pill or quick solution of any kind. I would recommend Dr. Phil’s book The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom. He talks about reasons why there is a problem and how to step though resolution.

Good Luck.
TRUDI

Have you had his thyroid checked out? Thyroid problems run in my family and I have a 17 year old nephew who no matter how much he exercised he could never loose the weight and suffered it dearly. After years of just blood test finally a doctor did a scan of his thyroid and found that he has an enlarged thyroid gland. He put him on meds and it's working miracles. Get him active sports, dance, YMCA anything but keep him active. Hope all goes well. GET HIM CHECKED!

Have you ever heard of OA, it's a twelve-step program to treat overeating. Have a ____@____.com free to email me, too, ____@____.com's open to all, even children. There's some child-specific literature. I have eaten to medicate my feelings in the past and OA has helped me gain new coping tools rather than turning to the food.

My first reaction or question is have you taken him to a pediatrician to see if he has an eating disorder?

The other question is, did he just recently arrive to your home? Does he have a very close relationship with his mom or is his mom no longer here?

The reason for these questions are that my husband and I adopted two boys over the years who had very strong emotional problems and had previously been in several foster homes before coming to us. They ate more than my husband and couldn't stop eating either - we were told by different therapists and doctors that the boys "think" this home with us is "temporary" also, even though they've been adopted for a long time. Over the years, the desire to eat too much dwindled, and I think it took a few years for them to realize that this is a permanent home and not a temporary one - but it took a long time ! If he doesn't have a physical problem, then I suggest you find a good doctor who deals with young children with emotional problems. Watch out for the doctor's that want to treat him with "drugs" when there are much better ways out there to treat them. I wish you and your family the best of blessings in your endeavor to get him the proper help he needs. Aloha, Frances M. Kalaola

I think by 11 he ought to be making his own choices about how much he eats. You can control what he's offered, make sure it's nutritious. And then ask him about it. Ask him if he's got concerns or if he thinks he's going through a growth spurt. An annual check-up would probably not be a bad idea. You can teach him about good nutrition, but he's at an age where you can't control him or what he eats, he needs to learn to decide for himself. And you can explain what the various choices he has mean for his life.

When did this change in eating habits begin? I'm not a psychologist, just a mom, but it seems to me something devasting has happened to this boy and he is crying out for help. He may not feel safe enough, maybe. My heart goes out to him. I really don't think this is purely an eating issue.

You know what? I'd question his social life at school ask about his friends ask if he gets picked on. I went through this as a child. I got teased alot in jr high. My mom never knew because I never told her. I'd eat breakfast at school because I woke up too late to eat it at home and 2 snacks usually cheetos then lunch and after school the ice cream trucks were waiting so I'd get one or 2 for my walk home. then I'd get home and eat like 2 bowls of cereal. anything else sweet in the house then I'd eat dinner with my mom becasue I did'nt want her to think i had been eating all day and I wasnt hungry because of it. This went on all the way till 10th grade. I was about 240 at 16 then I grew and thinned out. This ws all because of the mean hurtful things kids can say or do to you. He might not know why he's eating so much. I did'nt realize it until just recently that that was the reason for my weight gain. Don't attack him with diets. just get him involed with social activities. kids his age he can relate to. Maybe bring him to psycology. I'm pretty sure this is the reason all obese kids are obese. they have no friends to go out and be active with so they stay inside bored and eat.
I hope you guys can help him. check out the local boys and girls clubs. maybe big brothers big sisters. he needs a better outlet.

Do you think that it could be an emotional problem? There's nothing like feeling different or that your not really part of a family when you're a step child. I come from a family with many step chilren on both sides. And my parents made extra effort in making sure we were all treated the same. We where never referred to as "my step". Ask him how his feeling in gerenal. It could also be a problem with school or something else.

Maybe just try to make sure his meals and snacks are healthy. I know boys this age tend to eat a lot.

Okay I read some of the other responces...I don't think you have to worry about thyroid problems. With thyroid you gain weight no matter how much you eat. I think he's getting ready for a growth spurt...my son will be 13 in a couple months...and he did the same thing at 11, and then again when he turned 12. since he is obviously getting enough to eat at school, go head and minimize his dinner intake if it makes you feel better. But i really don't think you have to much to worry about. You could also try increasing his activity...15 minutes a day of bike riding, running up and down the stairs, push-ups...whatever just get him moving. My boy really chunked up at first, then all of the sudden he was 2" taller...hahahaha...good luck!
L.

You've already got some good advice, but I just wanted to add that you should be careful about limiting his food. Stick to healthy foods, sure, but if you limit him and he is growing, that'd be bad. Plus he's going to resent you if he's hungry all the time and you won't let him eat. I would advise against ever limiting intake at a sit-down, family meal. Nobody should leave a dinner table hungry, because that encourages snacking later.

Furthermore, be careful about mixed messages. What are your eating habits and your husband's? It used to drive me crazy when my mother would pull stunts like buying a dozen doughnuts, and if I didn't eat any she'd freak out because they were going to waste and she'd bought them special and blah blah blah, but then she was also always telling me I was too fat (she was fatter than I was) and needed to diet more. I couldn't win.

So be careful that you're not urging him to clean his plate at one meal and then limiting him at the next, or any other conflicts like that.

Also, overeating in and of itself is not a sole cause of obesity. Lack of exercise is much worse. A skinny person who doesn't exercise is often less healthy than a fat person who does. So make sure he gets out in the fresh air a lot, especially now that the weather's good for it.