Help! I Need Advice About My Sister-n-law

Wow! I know you feel betrayed, my best advice would be to forgive her, but not forget! In the best interest of family, you need to try to be civil....just don't trust her anymore.

I would just let them stew in their own juices and ignore them. Be civil but not involved. It will hit them sooner or later that you do not want to see or be around them if this is how they will behave toward you. Been there it may take years but hopefully it will get better for everyone.

I personally think this is way to much drama. Debra did what most in laws do which is to stay on everyones good side (neutral). You should follow Debras lead & let it go. If you cant forgive them then just be cordial at family events & thats it. But I suggest you and Debra should go out to dinner/drinks & just let her know you were hurt & dissapointed but you want to put this behind you and move on & use this as a learning lesson. And MOST importantly NEVER send any emails that you could be embarrassed about or that can come back to bite you in the @$$. I suggest letting it go, this is very high school. You will probably be angry at my response but you posted this question for honesty so I hope I helped.

The Bible says that when someone asks you to forgive them, you are to forgive them (whether you believe they are sincere or not). No matter how many times they have to ask, you are to forgive. So, you need to let this go for your own sake. You will become bitter and this will hurt you and your marriage and your family. You need to let it go for the family's sake. Some personal issues aren't worth splitting up the family. Let it go.

But, if she persists in showing herself to be not the friend you once thought she was, then you have the right to have reservations. Be courteous, forgiving. But, you don't have to be her best friend. Don't do to her what your SIL did to to you. Be the better person. But, let it go. We get so worked up sometimes and it isn't as bad as you think. Your pride has been hurt and that is something very hard to get over. But, you need to get over it. You have to humble yourself, or you will never find peace. So what she may think you're an idiot. Who cares? Really! Lots of people think I'm an idiot, and you know what, sometimes I am. Maybe you weren't a total idiot, but maybe you weren't as great as you thought you were either. Maybe, she is and was scared of your evil SIL and didn't want trouble coming her way. Selfish? Yes. OK, she's not as big as you are. Give her a break. She did apologize. If you harbor resentment, I promise you, you will be the one to look like the fool. You will be the one who hurts the most. Let it go. Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle. Give her benefit of the doubt. Humble yourself. You will win in the end.

Of course it would feel horrible to be the "family joke"! But the best defense you have IS to let it go. People who get enjoyment about treating others that way are just trying to get a rise out of you. Are those women so fantastic or smart or sophisticated that you REALLY care what they think? You don't have to be FRIENDS with any of them...just family...and in-laws at that! Keep a distant, cordial relationship and find some new friends that aren't family!

As for your husband...be honest...do men ever do the "right" thing in these situations? They don't understand because they aren't women and they don't process slights in the same way. Men, in general, are not as emotionally attached to secondary realationships...ie. in-laws. As long as he isn't fueling the fire, I think you need to cut him a little slack.

Good luck. I know how hard it is to make friends as an adult...you would think the least you could do is count on family. But, remember, y'all didn't choose each other!

Someone once told me, at a very difficult moment in my life, that forgiving someone doesn't mean that you are saying what that person did was okay, nor is it giving that person permission to hurt you again. Forgiveness means letting go of the hurt and not letting what that person did ruin the rest of your life. If you think of it in that way, maybe you can find a way to forgive your brother- and sister-in-law. You will be much happier that way, and even though it may take years, you may find that you can reestablish a relationship with them. It may not be what it might have been otherwise, but it doesn't have to be full of bitterness and anger, either.

You seem to be so terribly hurt because you were disrespected by people you trusted ..... and this went on for a long time. Well, what to do now?

I would say, rise to the occassion ... don't be vindictive and forgive all involved (ok, except Jan). At least do NOT hold any grudge against your husband. He believes in harmony and that is fair enough.

Try to erase the hurt from your mind. Don't live with that toxic memory for too long. Time will heal your hurt. Time will lend you a more balanced perspective on this situation.

But learn your lesson -- do not share too much of yourself with people over an email. Do not give too much of yourself to somebody that you start expecting too much from them as well. Thats not fair to them, nor to you. Live life in Moderation. Feel anger & frustration in moderation as well.

Moreover, this action of Jan reflects very poorly on herself, not on you or any of her email recepients. The only one you could be directing your anger towards is Jan, but she is gone.

Years later, people will forget most of this .... and in the meantime, if you can set some great example for them to be inspired by you, they will only remember the good in you. Channelize your anger constructively. Promise yourself that in the next year, you will do something amazingly inspiring, that your relatives will have to rethink their image of you.

Don't let this incident let you believe that you ARE an idiot. You should know better.

You need to forget about it and move on.

Hopefully a few lessons were learned that you can carry forward:
- Your SIL's are not your friends. They are family - not friends. Remember the rule of thumb that whatever you tell a girlfriend will most likely be repeated to their husband / boyfriend. Confide and hang out with friends - but polite and cordial to family
- You should explain to your husband how you feel about the situation and how you feel about him being friendly with them again. Although he most likely will not understand - he should understand that he should support you and try to understand your position on the matter.
- Stop referring to yourself as an idiot. You repeatedly said this throughout your posting. If you continue to tell the story and refer to yourself as an idiot....people will start to see you in that light.
- You're only the "family joke" if you allow yourself to be. Hold your head high, brush it off, be yourself, and enjoy whatever. Don't hold a grudge - let it go. If you hold onto to it, it will only grow and fester and take on a life of its own.

I know you've received a lot a good advice. I just want to add something about forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mena forgetting. You can forgive them all, but that does not mean you have to be friends with them, like them or socialize with them. Forgiveness is for yourself so you can let it go. It may take some time, because you have a right to be angry but I'm sure eventually you can forgive.

That said, you do not have to be friends, email chat on the phone or socialize with Debra. Just be civil and polite at family gatherings and that is that!

I'm having similar situations with my in laws. I just keep telling myself that I don't have to like these people, I just need to be respectful of my husbands relationship with them and be polite. I don't trash anyone if I can help it and I bite my tongue A LOT!

Hang in there, in time it will get better!

M.,

It's not what they did that matters, but what you do from this point on that does. At least you know them now. Your husband is just being the typical man. Let that one go. Devote yourself to things that make you happy. Take care of your family and let all those people carry on with who they are and what they do. There will be times when the family gatherings will bring you together. Forgive them and move on. Believe me, you will feel a lot better!!!

What was the full extent of the crime?

Did she delete the e-mails as soon as she realized what had been sent? In which case, her only crimes were being on her SIL's e-mail list, and not telling that SIL to stop. And she has apologized for that. They probably felt awkward, apologizing for something you did not know about. Give them the benefit of feeling awkward about both apologizing to you, and being probably a bit afraid to confront someone like Jan, who sounds like a vindictive and intimidating individual.

If Debra did read every e-mail, and join in on the jabbing jokes, that is something else entirely, and I would talk to her and tell her you feel hurt by this, and see what comes of it. You do have to live with these people, though, so there should be some sort of conversation with Debra about this.

BTW, if your e-mails are as well-written as your post, you have no need to worry.

I can tell from your letter, that you feel totally wronged and that you don't believe that any of the apologies were sincere.
The bigger question is "Do you love your husband?" Because you are putting his square in the middle of having to choose between your hurt feelings and his family. Clearly, you feel that you have been a "family joke" - and you feel that his whole family is treating you thusly. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAVE HAPPEN? Do you want him never to go around his family again, ever?
Perhaps, you are wearing your feelings on your sleeve and it is clouding your dealings with this family. I don't know. Trust is something that you earn and clearly they have betrayed yours. With that being said, if they have apologized, there is not much more that they CAN do. You clearly will not ever trust them again. They really can't do anything else; because nothing they do will signify to you that they are sorry. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS TO DECIDE TO LET IT GO OR TO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BEING MISERABLE AND MAKING YOUR HUSBAND MISERABLE TOO. At some point, you have to forgive them or this will eat at your joy and ruin your life. Forgiveness is supposed to be part of apology. This decision is YOURS to make, not your husbandsnf not his families. Pray. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. If you believe in yourself, then what others believe does not count. TALK TO SOMEONE - a professional - about your self esteem issues - I am not a psychologist; but even I caught the idea that you are not happy with something about yourself in your life.
There are other people involved in this issue and you need to get over this and get on with your life. Perhaps YOU are making more out of this than what it was. But I do know this - you can live on in misery and continue to let this color your life for the rest of your life; or you can CHOOSE to get on with your life. This is not to say that you trust these people - you don't send them e-mails; but you are civil to them & you quit nagging your husband about how YOU feel that he didn't support you. THIS IS YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE.

I really think you need to grow up a little here. How do you know what she’s thinking? You need to have an adult conversation with her. And don’t do it while you’re pissed off. Wait until you can have an adult conversation. Be calm and tell her how it made you feel when you found out she didn’t stick up for you, and that you felt like she was your friend. If she knows how you truly feel (that you’ve lost a good friend) it will probably open her eyes to her friendship with you. If you just hold a grudge (and your husband doesn’t) then you’re likely to destroy your marriage in the process of keeping your sister-in-law and brother-in-law at arm’s length. I think that harboring unforgiveness just lets the other person have control over you. Please try to let it go. Also, I think you need to stop saying in to yourself that they think you’re an idiot. I mean, is this something they've said or just what you think they're saying? My advice is talk to the source(s).

You are doing what she did by talking about in on a public forum. How do you know what they are thinking. How do you know she didn't tell you because she thought it might hurt you feelings and didn't want to deal with the other sister-in-law because she didn't want to continue to add fuel to her fire. Currently if you read back over your post you sound like you are in Jr. High- if you are old enough to be married with kids then you need to be old enough to let it go- yes you are hurt and it will take time- but for the sake of family you mend fences- it will take time- you don't have to be her best friend instantly but you deserve to not be miserable and it takes way more energy to hold a grudge and be angry all the time. I can say these things because I am not the favorite of the in laws at all- but I have put my bitterness aside for the sake of my husband and kids and have taken on an "oh well" attitude. One that says "if they can't see how great I am then that is their loss" - I have turned my energy to my kids and my husband and when we are with the in laws I just remember it is about my kids building memories with family and watch them have fun and focus on them and not me or the other individuals that have caused hurt. I am polite and kind as I have always - I haven't changed who I am I just lowered my expectations of them and boy has that made a difference. Build a bridge over the mess- walk on over and live for your kids!!

M., put yourself in Debra's place please. You receive a forwarded email which is hurtful to someone close to you. Do you laugh along (how do you know she did?), warn the person knowing it will cause hurt feelings, or do nothing. Many people will choose to do nothing in hopes that it will all blow over. That may well be what Debra did.
We're all human and make mistakes. Families created by marriage can have misunderstandings and different ideas.
Forgive her and put this behind you, for the sake of your husband who is trying to make peace in his family, and for your own. You're dwelling on past hurts too much, and that can only be harmful to you.
Don't ever put anything in an email you don't want the whole world to read!
Please make peace with your husband's family, even though they don't have to be your closest friends.

I, too, have dealt with feeling blind-sided by members of my husband's family. I want my battles to be his battles. That's just not reasonable, though. This is your battle to deal with as you see fit. They are not actively doing things to intentionally hurt you, so your husband need not avoid them or be ugly to them, though you want him to come to your defense. I do get it, M., and am learning even now how to stand up for myself and manage my own relationships and not depend on my husabnd to deal with them for me.

You have been dealt a blow, but you don't know the role that those two actually played in it. Maybe they ignored the messages that they got. Maybe they felt divided, not wanting to choose either side. You don't know their rold in it, so do not make assumptions. Do be careful, though. if it's such a big deal, tell them how you feel, that your trust is not strong with them but you want to work toward getting that back.

Also, you've learned a lesson in what to put online. Because you never know whose hands it can fall into, don't say anything online that you wouldn't want to come back to you.

Good luck to you. I keep my husband's family members at bay in my life because they have shown me what they think of me. I'm still trying to figure it out, though.

Two situations have happened in my life that give me a different perspective of your situation.
1. The boyfriend of someone I considered a friend was seeing other women behind her back (married ones to boot). It was one of the "other women" who told me in confidence. I was left in a quandry not knowing what to do so I did nothing ~ not a good idea. This continued for quite some time until she (friend) found out from another person and walked away from the relationship. It was at that time that I told her about my "keep in confidence" knowledge, how horrid I felt and how I had not known what to do.
Gratefully she opened up and told me I was one of the persons the other person said the man was seeing (NO WAY!). She realized it was not true and we actually became friends that day.

2. I spoke up in a group situation. Groups had been chosen and kept together throughout a university interpersonal communication class. When a person was missing from out group one specific student would talk about the missing person. No one objected. In fact, converstations were carried on as if the remaining group was in agreement with the one student. I was silent but became more and more distressed throughout the semester.
Finally I went to my professor and asked her to help me state my feelings to my group and she did. It took a great deal of courage and huge private hysterical tears before I arrived at class prepared to share how I felt about talking negatively about a person who had not showed up for class that day.
I did not point fingers at the person, I did not accuse anyone of anything. I stated my feelings and that I no longer wanted to be part of talking about someone when that person was not there.
The student quit the class and moved out of town. I continue to remember the situation even though it happened several decades ago. The funny part is, the rest of the group were relieved ~ they didn't want to do it either but did nothing. For me, I remember how powerful doing nothing is.
So this is my point. You are choosing to see Debra as a "bad guy" who only sees you as someone distasteful but hides it by being nice to you on the surface.
The lady in my first situation was nice to me and I had no idea she thought I was seeing her boyfriend behind her back. Both of us were withholding and that very well could have destroyed what has become a long wonderful honest relationship.
In the second situation all of the group members were chicken and just went along with the "gossip". Have you thought that, maybe, Debra felt caught in a lose lose situation and didn't know what to do? I had help and still became hysterical just thinking about sharing my feelings about talking behind another person's back.
Try stepping back, taking a deep breath and seeing the part you are playing in this situation. What I read was a very nasty picture of a sister-in-law, a nast picture that is full of suppositions.
Have you asked her to sit down to share feelings? It is the only way I know of to create a space for healing. Anything not feelings will usually feel like an attack and close down any possibility of communication. "I feel like it's a slap in my face" is not a feeling but a thought. Consider finding a list of feelings and then read the letter you wrote. Devastated is one of the few feeling words and it is attached to a personal belief that you are a family joke! That is your belief.
A book I have learned from is Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol Truman. It's an intriguing book worth reading.
I wish you well, Lorraine

It sounds like your self esteem is low. It does not matter what anyone says about you. The important thing is if you are happy with yourself. Life is way too short to make enemies of your family as you might need them in times of trouble.

First of all....grow up and act like an adult. You didn't mention you age or just how many years this went on, but if you have a 5 year old and this is the first time in your life you have been dissappointed by someone you trusted, consider yourself lucky. Jan is no longer in your life so forget about her and anything she did. Is she still in the lives of your husband's family? If not, then she is really old news. If for some reason she is, then just distance yourself from any contact with her. If she attends family gatherings, nowhere is it written than you must go too. As for the other two, it's always nice to have harmony in the family but you don't have to be "best buds" and be with them all the time. Get yourself a new set of friends and get on with your life. When you do have to email, or contact in any fashion, your sister-in-law, just watch what you say because if she enjoyed reading what Jan sent to her (which obviously she did or she would have stopped it) she will do the same thing to you. If you need someone to tell your utmost secrets to or just a shoulder to cry on sometimes, if you can't do that with your husband, then find a new best friend that doesn't have a connection with your family. Just remember, you married your husband, not his family, and altho you have to be with them sometimes, don't make them your life. I'm sorry your husband doesn't see fit to defend you. You two must be very young, still in the maturing process. Someday you will be able to get over this and hopefully be friends with the rest of the family, but in the meantime, don't let this eat away at you as it seems to be doing. Life is too short and your mental/emotional health is too important to let what others do or say ruin it. You want your children to grow up knowing and respecting their relatives and if you let this eat away at you it will flow over to them. Go out and make some new friends, communicate with your in-laws on a friendly basis, and do it only when necessary, and live a good life.

Forgetabouthem. Don't let their mess interfere with your marriage, by making it weak. If you already had problems, this could be the straw that broke the camel's back. Which may be exactly what they want. You can't stop anyone from thinking anything of you. Just stay true to yourself and your God. Don't ask your husband to choose you over his siblings. Just pray and ask that the trust be revealed to him. Remember, vengance is not ours.

I feel you...Here's the deal. You do not have to forget, but you must forgive. There is nothing saying you MUST be friends with your husbands family. Just paste a smile on your face and hang out with them when required. Keep everything on the surface. Find some friends of your own that do not have anything to do with the family. No matter how long you have been married, blood is thicker than water. Now you know what kind of people you are dealing with and can adjust accordingly. I will pray for your peace. CB

M.,

I feel for you having had my share of family drama. Talk to Debra and explain how this made you feel. If she is any kind of person, she will tell you what went on in her mind. If she doesn't, I would just write her off. Yes, she is family but that doesn't mean you have to seek her out. Be polite, but nothing else at family events. Your husband knows how you feel. He is in a tricky spot also. But if he starts pressuring you to be "friendly" with these people just explain that while you have forgiven them, you don't want toxic people in your life. You are going to have to let this go for your sake not theirs.

Hi M.
Well, you really do have an issue. It seems to me there are a couple of things you can and should do if not done already- first change your e mail address and keep it private...never again e mail to either one of them or any member in the family who could receive something from you. Anything that needs to be said should be said either in person or over the phone.
secondly- I would avoid being around any of them if possible.....if the situation is not possible to be away from them and something is said- just laugh with them- and when someone calls you the "idiot" simply reply- "well, it takes one to know one" smile and walk away.
This kind of betrayal hurt never heals but time will make the hurt less painfull. Just remember, never put your trust in man (or woman) because humans will always disappoint you.....guard yourself closly- be polite but distant......... just remember, it takes a very insecure, small minded person to attack another person that way- just shrug it off and consider the source and know you are a better person for it.
good luck and blessings

Wow! What a soap opera! Remember "hurt people hurt other people" It might be very hard for them to change that about themselves.
Sometimes the real negative, toxic people in our lives have to be stayed away from. Or reduce the number of times you need to be near them or around them.

We are closer to some of our neighbors and church friends than we are to some of our family members. We spend more time with the people who are enjoyable to be around.

In-laws, don't cha love em? :))
I don't like my MIL , she's extremely manipulating. Our personalities just clash big time. She's hurt me in the past and I just don't deal with her anymore. I married her son , not her. It would've been nice if we got along, but however the pieces fell, I don't have the energy or the desire to let it cripple my life. My husband supports me .He deals with his mother as he sees fit, but does not expect me to feel or do any different. When I see her at special functions I may say 'hello' and thats it. I go on my way and on to other things.
My advice to you, no matter the hurt, no matter the person who did the hurting, put your head up- count your blessings, love your kids.
Don't let your days be consumed with what other people do. Make it about what YOU do.
~~huggss~~

Hi M.,
I see you have a ton of responses already and I didn't read them all, I just wanted to send you a quick note to say that I think you should put the past in the past and forgive Debra for the sake of family harmony. Jan sounds like an awful person, and sometimes that kind of person brings out the worst in others. Also, from what you wrote, my immediate thought was that Debra felt caught between a rock and a hard place...she didn't want to start a fight with Jan by defending you, even though she knew what Jan was doing was wrong, so she did nothing. I'm sure in her mind she was just praying it would all blow over and you would never find out and therefore never feel the hurt that you are experiencing right now. You didn't say that she actually participated in the forwarding of the emails, just that she was a recipient, so honestly I think she could be seen as one of Jan's victims too. I think we've all been in a situation where we have a choice to make...do the brave thing and step up and defend someone...or, take the easy way out, and do nothing. In this case I think Debra just took the easy way out, not intending to harm you. The best thing you can do is take the high road, hold your head up and never bring it up again. The pain you feel will ease over time, and hopefully, you will eventually be able to have a relationship with your sister- and brother-in-law again. Be strong! Good luck! :-)

Just going to throw this out there, you may not agree with it: Let it go, it doesn't matter.

There was probably a time long ago when I would've been so upset about what others thought of me...it's just wasting energy. Somewhere along the way I decided to treat everyone with LOVE and KINDNESS, regardless of what they have said about me in the past. It really freaks people out...like they will run the other way because they feel weird that I am being so kind to them. That's with a GENUINE LOVE, not just saying i love. It took a very real decision on my part to choose to do that.

Anyhow, ultimately what any of them say or don't isn't of any concern. Your email shows you are spending WAY TOO MUCH TIME on it. Just let it go. Forgive the sis in law you have left for not saying whatever it was you wanted her to say. The reason you are angry is because she did not react the way you wanted her to react. That's life, she's not you and she's not perfect. I want to reiterate that fact, you are mad at her for not responding as YOU thought SHE SHOULD...which is not something you have control over. You do have control over the way you choose to respond to the events in your life and that's about it...

Is stewing over a past event going to help you in any way? No. It will just prevent you from growing further. If they are mean to you, just don't spend a lot of time with them. Be kind and respectful when you see them and forget about them at other times. You have your own path to worry about. You don't have time, energy, and resources to steer everyone else along the way you think they should go. Care for yourself and your family and they can sort out their own lives.

Move on.
God Bless.

i too have lost friendships and been absolutley CRUCHED when i found out that what i believed to be a close friend was not. It is humiliating. You ware your heart on your sleave and they just keep their game face on.
it is cowardly and cruel.
but holding a grudge with people you are forced to have in your life will only hurt you, and fuel their mocking fire.

You have to let it go. NOT for their sake, but for YOURS! Trust me! you can spend years letting this hurt you!!
Stop re-reading the e-mails, stop rehashing the conversations in your mind, stop telling other people about it, stop looking back at thier past behavior for clues.
Let it go.
you don't have to forget it, or even forgive it. but you HAVE to get to a place mentally where this cruel joke does not still have the power to hurt you!!!!
then, be civil, even pleasent, (or better yet, even charming. they will miss having you as a friend in thier lives and might just learn something from their childish behavior.) but keep your distance from them mentally and not let them be in a postion to hurt you again.

loseing 2 friends is a big loss. are you sure they were making fun of you? or did they just not know how to respond to your other idiot sister in law, so they didn't respond at all?
if you are convinced they were also being cruel, then the loss of 2 friends is a big hole and one you will need to fill. join a class or a gym, make new friends. I know this is easier to say than do, but it will happen and they will be better friends.
as for your husband. he is your partner, and your best friend. he is just tring to make the situation liveable. cut him some slack. He is on your side.

Remember being HAPPY and living well is the best revenge. Do NOT give them the satisfaction of dirty looks or sulking in their presence!
BE the Bigger Person, and They will feel like the Fools!

Wow! That truely stinks. I am sorry for how they've treated you. I can imagine you feel embarassed and humiliated, not to mention angry, and really hurt. I need to preface this by letting you know I have had my own difficulties with my sister-in-law (husband's sister)(her disrepectfulness is more based in making lies up about me and my husband and spreading them to my mother-in-law attempting to get the whole family to turn against me and break my husband and I up- which has never done anything to my husband and I except make us loose a great deal of respect for his family) so I have a vague understanding and lots of empathy from where you are coming from. I do think you need to forgive them. First off- they have apologized. Yes, I understand their motives are not what you would've liked, but they did apologize. To hold hurt and hatred against them would be to hold venom in your own mind and soul. It does nothing to them, but eats you alive. I would forgive them for yourself and your kids and move on. No, you don't have to be best friends with them- it won't be comfortable like it was before, but it can be civil and warm. Secondly, you don't have to glaze over it like it never happened. You can tell them (verbally or written) that, "I thought you were my friend, not just my in-law, and when I found out you'd been saying these things about me it broke my heart. You made me feel embarassed and disgraced. I appreciate your apologizing now, but as you can imagine, although I forgive you, it will take a long time to build any trust for you again. I am ready to move-on, but things won't be the same." I think this is the mature, responsible thing to do. Bonus: They won't be able to say you handled it like a big baby- they'd be called out on their own mistake in a very civilized and humbling mannor.
Best of luck and God bless

M.,
This may not be what you want to hear but I think you need to let go of all your anger toward these people and focus on yourself. I can't count how many times you wrote the words "I am an idiot" in your message. It sounds like there are some pretty big self esteem issues going on here. You also called yourself "the family joke". As long as you are directing all of your energy toward these other people you will not have the energy to search yourself for what it is in you that seems to actually validate these statements. Best of luck to you.

I am so sorry you are so upset over your family's behavior. They did not treat you well, and certainly did not act like true friends to you. I can understand why you are hurt, and I would (and have been) be upset as well.

With that acknowledgment, I would add that at the very least now you know they are not the friends you thought they were. It is possible and adviseable to forgive them and move on with your family's life. You can let go of all your anger, which only seems to be hurting you, and be civil with people whom you don't feel close to, or even like. This family situation calls for someone to behave like an adult, and you could easily be that person. You can be the hero of the situation and the bigger person all at the same time. In addition, you can maintain the family peace, rather than start a family fued, dividing brothers. In the end, they are your family, and none of us gets to choose our family. We just learn to live with them and accept them for who they really are, rather than who we think they should be. Ultimately, since they have apologized, it is up to you to forgive or not to forgive.

Hope this helps rather than hurts.

I would forgive (only for myself) and then I would keep my distance from these people. Related or not I would not re-establish a relationship with either of them. Being cordial is one thing if you are in a situation where you have to be around them, but I wouldn't go out of my way for them either. Your husband should be more supportive and more sensitive to your feelings because you are his wife and he should be the one person without a doubt that you can turn to for emotional support. I'm sure he wouldn't be so chummy and forgiving if it were him at the butt of their tasteless behavior! It sounds like they are more sorry they got caught rather than sorry they hurt you. I wouldn't give them another chance because once the trust is gone there is not much left after that.

Family drama is the worst!! I have my share of it and it really stinks. My husband's cousins wife is someone I thought was my really good friend and then she just turned on me. It really hurt me. The worst thing was I confronted her, nicely of course, but just asked her what was up and she assured me that there was nothing wrong between us and that she was just very preoccupied with life etc. Then I find out she went to my mother-in-law and talked about me and my MIL did not stick up for me. Even when my MIL talked to my husband about it all she really defended her. We were pretty upset because that is my MIL and my husband's mom and honestly we didn't do anything to her. We felt my MIL should have stuck up for us. Anyway, we totally forgave my MIL because hey, she is my husband's mom and as the previous poster said we felt that she was trying to keep the peace and the other girl has no problem tearing the family apart where as we love my MIL so much and would never want to hold her responsible for the bad actions of another family member. As for the cousin by marriage and my husband's cousin, we are totally friendly with him and cordial to her. We don't go out of our way to reach out to them nor do we exile them from our lives. You can forgive someone without allowing them total access to your heart. I will tell you, that you will have to forgive them to move on, but you don't have to be as open in the future. Like if you feel Debra isn't as trustworthy as you thought you can just use more wisdom in your relationship with her. Be nice but careful. Now for your husband's part, that is his brother so they have had stuff come up their whole lives probably and worked through it so it is probably just the natural thing for him to let it go. Also if I were you I would evaluate what I did do to contribute to the whole situation. In our situation, I didn't feel I had done any wrong and I really hadn't but I could have used a bit more wisdom in some of our conversations and just kept some things to myself. I hope that helps, sorry you are having a hard time, family is a blessing but sometimes things do get out of whack! Best wishes, it will get sorted out, give it some time:)

I am really sorry that you have been hurt by your SIL's betrayal of your friendship and trust. You have every right to be hurt and angry. Not knowing the extent of what was emailed out: I don't know exactly how to advise on Debra, other than: have you had a sit down talk about, explained how this really hurt you because her keeping it from you added to the sting? Did you ask her why she didn't tell you? There are many possibilities, none that jump out that are noble, but consider maybe she isn't strong enough to stand up and say hey this isn't right. Possibly she was afraid to hurt you and just kept quiet. And then there is family harmony. Maybe she didn't want to be the person that ruined that. My bet is it was a little of all of it seeing as how you found out after Jan was no longer in the family. None of it is cool but people don't always act on the way they should now-a-days.
I did also want to point out your husband sounds like he is supportive and was hurt also by this, but Debra is family-married to his brother. Sometimes we just have to let it go even when we are hurt. It doesn't take away from his loyalty. I have been down this road with my own two SIL's. I had my Jan-now divorced from my brother and my Debra-still married to my younger brother. We fought for ten years (getting along for family sake but not really deep down) then something happened and loyalty stepped in, mutual love and respect. Never would have seen it coming. If we can do it, you can one day get there again with your Debra. I hope this helps :)

This is a tough situation. I am trying to put myself in your shoes and think about what I would do. I tend to hold a grudge for a very long time. On the one hand, if you just get over it and still be friendly with his family, are they going to think you are a doormat and they can do whatever and all will be forgiven? On the other, they are your husband's family and aren't going anywhere. My husband and I have been together for eighteen years, I have barely spoken to his stepfather in all that time. He came on to me when my son was a baby and I have never forgiven him. My husband knew the situation and still speaks to him regularly.We do have an understanding about it. He understands how I feel and rightly so. He has never pressured me to maintain a relationship with him. I spend as little time as possible with him and even then, I pretty much ignore him. Good luck with this situation.

Hi M.,

I have had problems with my in law's also. I usually just realized what type of people they are, and dealt with them in that manner. Never spiteful or hateful. Always respectful, and polite. In my opinion that is all that is expected.

Anything else just keeps hurting you and your family, while they have all moved on passed it. They all know how disrespectful they were, and so do you, so why keep rubbing salt into the wound. Do not ever put yourself in a possition they can do that to you again. Move on to teach your own children how to respect others no matter what.

Hope this take on the situation helps
Blessings
J. M

Hi M.,

I am sorry you have to deal with this. Sometimes, inlaws can be a real pain. I went through something similar years back. I took the easy way out, I just stopped spwaking to them in a confidential manner and when I saw them, I would say hi to them IF they said hi to me. We rarely ever saw them anyhow and when we were in each others presence and IF they said hi first, I would be cordial, nothing more. I did not start conversations or get into any they were. Honestly, I think they prefered it this way also because in doing this, we did not make it uncomfortable for anyone else. It's just one of those things that you respect everyone else's space by just choosing to leave one another alone. Sure over time things got more relaxed, but I chose to do this because my in-law had to ALWAYS make her way right and our ways wrong, I got tired of it! As for my husband, he too always sees things in a light way. Sometimes, we have to just ignore them and creat our own situation. Once we do that, everyone can follow suit.

ask yourself this if today she got ill and tomorrow she got worse and the next day she died. would it matter? what if you got a call and she was in a car accident would you go see her? people do dumb things, no body is perfect. why do people do them for all sorts of reasons, but its what you do today, that will make the difference. some people have a change of heart some dont, but what you do with yours is the most important, it will effect those around you. so what are you going to do? forgive and move on? or do nothing? which do you think will make the difference in your life? and hers?
Mrs. C

Would you believe that my own 'wonderful' husband does that to me w/a former lover...an adultress at that! They constantly email bk & forth about me. This girl 'eggs' him on about me. Making fun of me & he does it too! He tells her the MOST intimate details of our marriage & has even had the gall to tell her the most deepest, darkest secrets about some past things that's happened to me! I could NOT believe what I was reading when I found out. I was able to print some things off but not everything. Somehow he's caught on & deletes everything before I can read it. I haven't yet come forth but stupid thing is if he knows I know, then why does he stay w/me if I am all these horrible things he's said about me. I wonder that everyday. I also had a friend who did me the same way. We were great friends til we met in person (met through an internet 'group') & when we got together, it was awful. She treated me like some dumb hick that was so stupid & ignorant. I didn't do anything to cause this, this was just her 'issue' not mine. Apparantly, I've come to realize that those who make fun are just jealous & insecure & really immature. They obviously don't feel good about themselves so to bolster their ego they hafta pick on someone they think is beneath their 'standards' to feel an ego boost. I'd just let it go & chalk it up to immaturity, jealousy & insecurity on their part. You've lost people who you thought were your friends, believe me, I've been in your shoes & just come to accept the fact that they aren't afterall is hard but something you just hafta do. You don't have to be their friends but don't stoop to their level & 'make fun of them'. It only makes you look petty & childish yourself (not that you would do that, I just thought I'd mention it). Just try to continue w/o them & just tell your husband, point blank, "there's something I need to get off my chest & I need you to sit & listen" then tell him that you expected him to support you & be on your side when they made fun of you & don't appreciate the fact that he wasn't. Then ask him how can you two get through this feeling that you have that he wasn't supportive. Then tell Debra & Eric the same thing, tell them they should've been supportive & the fact they weren't has caused a feeling of distrust between you & although they apologized, you can't fully trust them again. You can try w/Jan but realize she'd probably just roll her eyes & say 'whatever'. After that, I'd just keep any type of person info to yourself. Sometimes just being 'civil' is hard but necessary. Good luck!

I would sit down with her and talk it out or write them a letter explaining how you feel and why. Yes, I would forgive!!! Who is this bothering??? YOU!! Holding a grudge, while I admit what they did was wrong, doesn't hurt anyone else but you. Work on letting go of the past and moe forward.

Just because your sister n brother in law did not stand up for you does not mean that they were laughing n enjoying the joke. Maybe they wanted to keep the peace or not tell you to spare your feelings. I understand your hurt and that sucks, but what's done is done and now all you can do is be the bigger person. Being cordial and being friends are two different things and maybe you shouldn't be friends with Debra again but fighting with her and your husband is not going to go over well in the long run. Men get over things so much faster and don't seem to be get their feelings hurt as easily, he probably just really doesn't get it. I really don't understand how someone can be so mean to someone and sleep at night. I am sorry this happened to you, surround yourself around your kids, count your blessings.

Hi M.,
That is just wrong! You are so justified in how you feel. I would be cordial when necessary, but for your best interest, stay away and only "tollerate them" and their "stupidity" when you have a family gathering! Move on with your life and enjoy new friends and your family. You have 3 beautiful boys to raise, so if the husband feels its necessary to keep connected since its his side of the family, let him. You don't have to be a part of that triangle any longer! You probably feel better just getting it off your chest! Good luck! You can do this!

Dear M., I'm so sorry for the hurt you feel. You certainly have a right to be upset, but I fear that you may be putting words in your SIL's mouth. Did she ever actually call you an "idiot"? Perhaps her actions were the result of awkwardness. I know that when my own SIL says something inappropriate to me, I don't usually respond. I just chalk it up to her personality and go on with my life.

For the sake of peace in your family, I believe you should swallow your pride and give your good SIL the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps the other Moms will not agree with me, but hate, anger and bitterness are a poison that will make YOU sick, not them.

once my sis inlaw got divorced they sent mean e-mails back and forth and then forwarded them to us. i really didnt do anything but say oh please and deleted them. i did not take sides (although one was clearly in the wrong and reason for the divorce but i forgave her because i did not want to carry that hate around) its not effective to carry a burden around. i would actally talk to debra and call her on it ask her if she thinks your dumb if they were laughing behind your back. it really drives me nuts when people think i am conspiring against them. please dont put words into there mouth and build a hate based on what you think might have happened and if you find out they were laughing and saying your dumb just forgive them. they will have to face God for there actions...so will you. so chin up there are better people in this world that you can be friends with and love your husband he loves you and wants you to be happy...and at peace.

Wow. I don't know all the details, but do you know how hard it is to stand up to a bully? Most people have a hard time doing it. It sounds like Debra and Erik didn't stand up to Jan. That doesn't mean it's because they agree with her. Now, IMO, adults should be able to think for themselves, but they so often don't. Perhaps when they received the emails, they deleted them. Do you know that they were laughing behind your back?

I think you do need to be the bigger person here and let go of your bitterness and resentment, esp. at your husband. You will feel much better in the long run if you can truly forgive. Hating hurts the hater more than the hated.

This all sounds SO Junior High. Certainly you have better things to do than concern yourself with the childish antics of your sister-n-law(s). Rise above all of it! How disgraced could you have possibly been with someone sharing your emails? What did you say in those emails? Put it into perspective....don't sweat the small stuff, it's all small.

Seriously?! Get over it. People are mean. All too often they don't stick up for others, especially to family, because they are intimidated. Chances are that's the case with this sil. (You really shouldn't broadcast all the dirty laundry on the net, they may not read mama source, but are you any better for doing the same kind of thing to them?)

Take her apology at face value, she said she was sorry. And don't count on her being a 'besty' from now on.

Be nice, be civil and leave it alone.