Upset with Husband... Should I Be?

Actually, it doesn't sound like what you said was that bad. You know that she was offended and you immediately backed off and apologized. What the hell else are you supposed to do? It sounds like they have just decided that they don't want to be around you...period. That is their problem. I would expect my husband to stand by me as well....

Well, I agree that your husband should have told you who all he was having beers with but this situation is touchy. Family misunderstandings can get real ugly real fast. I think your SIL and BIL got so offended because they thought you were either insulting their child or their parenting skills (letting him play the video game all the time). What you said was not that bad, but apparently they took it that way. I think you need to sit down with them and clear the air. I think your BIL is being a bit of a jerk but I understand why your husband wants to try to keep the peace in the family. Call your SIL and ask her if the three of you can talk. Try to nip this in the bud before it becomes a decade long fued lol. Good luck. Navigating family relationships can be hard!

Ignoring someone who is ignoring you is not supporting you it is stooping to their level. Aren't you glad your husband is more mature than that?

If you could wave a magic wand and everything be peaceful wouldn't you? Doesn't sound like that is happening but for one evening your husband got to act like it did. Why would you fault him for that?

You sound like you have been trying to get past this and that is exactly what your husband was trying to do that evening. His actions were supporting you, you need to realize that. The only way he would have been unsupportive is if he spent the evening agreeing with them that you are a (whatever she was calling you), I don't see any indication that happened.

for starters, i think you handled the situation really well. i'm glad that rather than justifying and rationalizing, you immediately apologized to your SIL. she and her husband are being asshats. they need to grow up and get over it.
i feel bad for your dh. clearly he HAS supported you and i'm glad he defended you to his sister.
families are touchy beasts. i can understand the poor man not wanting to be forever alienated from his family over this, and also wanting to be on your side. i realize that the only ideal solution comes from people you have no influence over, so can you compromise just a little when it comes to your dh? maybe you can come up with a less confrontational way to say 'you don't treat my wife like that!'
yes, it's not okay for them to create a lifelong vendetta over a single thoughtless remark. but it's also unrealistic to expect your dh to be forever separated from his sister. surely this can be worked out, even the solution is less than perfect. maybe he ignores them and stays at your side at family functions where they're being snotty, but you relent and breathe through it when he meets them occasionally alone?
khairete
S.

It sounds to me like your husband has been supportive ... he did talk to your sister and it sounds like he's not upset with you (and from what you described, he has no reason to be upset with you). I think its understandable that he wants to maintain some relationship with his family, and I would support him in that. So, dinner at one brother's house, when the BIL also comes, isn't a big deal, I don't think. I do think you shouldn't have to tolerate overt rudeness, and in those cases, it may be reasonable to ask for his support, but otherwise I would suggest continuing to be the better person and letting their rudeness brush off you. It sounds like they must be deeply insecure about the video game playing or some other aspect of parenting for them to react like this.

Have you talked to your husband about the get-together? Did he know the BIL was going to be there ahead of time?

Your husband does need to support you (which he did already talk to his sister about it), but you also don't want him to come off like a jerk like your BIL.

You should ask your husband to support you more if that's what you feel you need, AND then you should let it go (regardless of what he does). Don't ask for a direct confrontation, but focus on him being honest with you and stepping in when he witnesses rudeness.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I fail to understand how people can treat their own family worse than a complete stranger. Don't let them have any more power over you, and definitely don't let them come between you and your husband.

It's been a year. Let it go.

You cannot control your immature brother in law. Nor can you control your immature sister in law.

STOP making it awkward. It's THEIR burden to carry. You pointed out that their son was playing video games a LOT - it offended them - you apologized. Big FREAKING deal.

STOP trying to make it up to them.
STOP trying at all. What they think of you doesn't matter.
IF you have to deal with them - be polite. That's IT. You don't HAVE to foster a relationship with them. You don't HAVE to have their approval. The BIL knows you want his approval or at least get along and he's a 2 year old holding a grudge. Stop.

Your husband is over it. You should be too. IF your BIL is rude to you in the future (since he's a 2 year old in a mans body, he will most likely be rude again) treat him like a 2 year old. It's okay. You can also choose to ignore him. I don't know your family dynamics. But you are holding on just like he is.

While I agree that your husband needs to say ENOUGH already. Maybe this is HIS way of saying ENOUGH already....I know my husband would've stopped the rudeness the minute he saw or heard it happen. But that's MY husband. Yours is different. If this guy is rude to you again - pull your husband aside and tell him what you expect him to do and say - stand up for you, etc. Communication is key.

You know, I remember people dogging me when my kids were little and pretty absorbed with their gameboy and such (even tho I usually yanked it from them during soical events), surprisingly enough they are now both IT specialists making 6 figure salaries. So to those moms that said my kids played video games too much----"WHATEVER!"

Unless there is more to the story than being revealed, it sounds like your SIL has other problems with you, jealousy, envy, etc. That comment you made over a year ago is not enough to warrant not speaking to you and shunning you for over a year.... good grief.

I don't think you should be mad at husband for this latest social event, it might be the tool to finally bridge this gap. You might say to husband "Well, you had a good time with Jack and Joe, do you see any signs that we might get back to being the normal family we once were yet?" Take this conversation and use it to your advantage by letting him know how hurt you still are that BIL and SIL are still not talking to you.
It's obvious your husband enjoys their company and they enjoy his, surely this is going to come to an end soon.

Does your son play video games yet? If so, you might use that as an opener to a conversation "Little Joey is taking after his cousin and is really good at __________ (name of game goes there); hopefully they both grow up to work for Apple some day!"

I can't help but think there is more to this tho, it can't just be from that one comment to make things go so awry.

I hope it ends soon, family togetherness is such an important thing, cousins shouldnt have to be suffering a non bond due to parental immaturities.

Isn't that lovely? My husband has an aunt who does this, sometimes she is fine and sometimes she ignores me to the best of her ability. My husband, honestly, doesn't pay a lick of attention. But, I will tell him when it happens. But, her can't change her and I learned to no longer care. I've learned to just avoid her if I can.

Don't get wrapped up in their games. Just roll your eyes and don't let it bother you. Honestly, do you want to feel like you are walking on egg shells all the time? I got very sick of it very quickly, boy where they in a shock when they found out I didn't give a damn what they thought any more. I sure as hell wasn't going to bend over backwards to make them happy. I am polite to them, but nothing more. I don't seek them out to talk to them, and all communications I have turned over to my husband.

Made life a lot easier for me, and opened my husbands eyes as to how she really is. I feel you.

You're mad, and your husband is handy.

You want him to hold onto a grudge to 'protect your honor', while he seems to be doing his best to smooth things over on all sides and rebuild some bridges.

It's "his" family (sounds like it's his sister anyway) - so let him go. He's obviously sticking up for you - but sheesh, maybe give him the benefit of the doubt anyway? :)

You keep doing what you're doing. If SIL and BIL want to behave like 4 year olds and have a grudge and pretend that they don't recognize your presence - let 'em. That's who you should be upset at.

The only healthy option I see is to talk to them - maybe a heartfelt email to SIL? One that has zero judgment or fight-picking words. One that says you really really didn't mean your nephew ONLY plays video games. One that says they are wonderful parents. One that says you misses your SIL.

But that's optional. Just don't get sucked into having your own resentment and grudge. Ain't worth your time. :)

You need to let it go, sounds like they are big babies and you can never fix that. Maybe life will help them grow up slowly. In the meantime You have to support your husband as he struggles to keep a relationship with his crazy sister, you cannot ask him to choose between his family he grew up with and his wife, it's just not a nice thing to ask of someone you love. Maybe you can think about something in their upbringing that caused his sister to be so touchy, maybe the BIL was raised by idiots and doesnt know how to handle people and society. You said it yourself" my husband is the "nice guy" Is that so horrible?

Men are chickens....especially with family. They will defend them or ignore problems til their deaths. You can't expect much more from him, although it would be nice.

Sounds like you are an adult and your SIL/BIL CLEARLY are not. You apologized. What the hell else does she want from you??? Your soul?

I would have NEVER taken offense to your comment. It seemed TOTALLY harmless to me. You just hit a nerve. It triggered something that someone else said, so she took it out on you. If she is really that sensitive - good riddance. Let it go. It's her problem.

MY SIL is a D-R-A-M-A QUEEN! She hasn't talked or seen us in 4 years to be exact and she lives a few miles away. We did see her with the kids at the fair last summer, so my kids walked over and said hi. She ignored them and her kids said hi quietly and then walked away from my kids. REALLY? An adult does that to a kid? Life is SO much better without her stressing everyone out. MY poor brother. What he got himself into.....

My 3 favorite words: NOT MY PROBLEM.

I’m sorry but I think everyone’s being overly sensitive about this silly comment; you said the wrong thing (although I don’t see the big deal to be honest) but apologized; BIL is behaving like the 8 year old and so is your SIL and you’re being too sensitive about your husband not standing up for you, when he already did and talked to your SIL. He probably just wants things to go back to normal and not throw more wood into the fire by talking about it over and over again and that’s why he behaved like an adult with your BIL. It would do no one any good to continue with this family rift.

I would cut him some slack. He HAS stuck up for you, he talked to his sister about it. Men don't want to be involved in drama the way some women do, and so he was just trying to have a nice time and not get something going again. He did stick up for you, you just didn't get the end result that you wanted. I agree that you sound more mature than they do, so just try to let it go, it is bothering you too much. We all have family members who think they are always in the right, and they do no wrong. They just need to look in the mirror, and sometimes it may take a while. Let it go. If you keep being mad at your husband, your SIL wins again. Let it go.

I don't think you should be mad with your DH.

This whole thing started because you screwed up. What you said wasn't nice and your apology was luke warm at best. You insulted her son, who made an effort to play with yours - not a lot of 8 year olds happily watch their 3 year old cousins. Calling it "easy money" and suggesting he would just play his video games and basically not do "his job" is pretty insensitive.

Now it would be nice if everyone could behave like adults and move on, but apparently your SIL and BIL like to hold a grudge.
I don't think that your DH's relationship with his family should suffer because of this. Your DH didn't offend them, you did, and maybe if he hangs out with them every now and then it will reopen some doors that where slammed shut over this incident. Someone's got to make the first step towards resolution here and apparently your DH is a very smart man for not perpetuating this stupid feud.
Since this started with something you said, maybe you can take some time to reflect how your words offended your SIL and BIL and try to come up with an honest and heartfelt apology to end this...

We have a SIL that lacks social sensitivity sometimes - it's really sad because she has alienated herself from literally the entire family on my DH's side (parents in law and all three sibs). Now her DH comes to all family functions either alone or they don't attend at all. Now there is plenty of blame to go around on both side (this started long before I met DH) - but it's really sad that we can never all get together and have fun with all of the cousins.

It's been a year, it will be hard but this can still be solved... if you wait another 15 years, it will be hopeless.
Good Luck.

Anne, you're not wrong. I realize your husband would like to have a normal relationship with his brother-in-law, but the way they are treating you is wrong and he should not allow it.

He should have a frank discussion with his brother-in-law and sister together, without you. And until they are willing to stop treating you badly, don't invite them to stuff.

If your husband won't support you, I don't know what to say. You aren't expecting too much of him. I wouldn't have anything to do with family members if they treated me like this.

I certainly wouldn't be taking my kids over there.

Dawn

Let it go. He goes with his family for an evening invite yours over or have friends over without the hubbies. don't let people who take things wrong eat at you. Its odd to hold a sentence about video games in it over ones head so long. Let it go.

Interesting to see all the opinions on this.

Ugh. The SIL & BIL both sound extremely negative, toxic, and immature.

Most likely, she got insulted about the video game thing because she is already insecure about it & knows it's true. If she were confident in her parenting, then she wouldn't have taken it so personally & then chosen to send you a weird email trying to prove & convince you of what a great parent she is.

If you apologized, and they are both continuing to hold on to something that really never existed, IMO, since they both way overreacted, then you can't do much more. Leave it alone & just keep being cordial, but don't put any more effort into rekindling the relationships, because it's not worth it and they are the ones that will be exposed as being catty & immature.

As far as your DH, yes, I would totally be hurt & pissed. It's a betrayal of sorts, really. My DH would never let anyone get away with treating me like that & he most certainly would not be commiserating with them.

i must be missing something, for people to side with your hubby on this one. i think i'd be feeling a little left out as well. it's great that he and his sister talked, cleared the air, and he and brother in law are a-ok now...what about you? why wouldn't he talk to you about what he and his sister discussed at lunch? why all of a sudden are they all buddy-buddy and you're left out in the cold???? it doesn't add up to hubby being stand up and supporting you, to ME...but maybe i'm reading something wrong.

you know what though, i was just going to say that all you can control is YOUR reaction to all of this. ignore the awkwardness, be as sweet and charming and friendly as you can possibly be. you apologized for the snafu, imagined or otherwise. YOU are in the clear. honestly if they can't get over it by now, all you can do is take care of you. make sure no one ever hears you bash them or say a wrong word about them. IF you feel it is important, reach out to them again, but it sounds to me like that was basically shot down. i think you have done what you can at this point

i would focus more on you and hubby. let it go and let him see that you've let it go. letting all the anger and hurt feelings go over it, will allow him to open up and hopefully have an open conversation with you about it. i do think his loyalty should be with you #1. YOU are his wife. yes his sister/family is important, but you should be first. just my opinion at least...he should be working WITH you on this. keep working (with him hopefully) to smooth this over. it's obviously important to him to be on good terms with his family - nothing wrong with that. but not at your expense.

If what you say is exactly the way it went down, then your sister in law and her husband are nutty. They are not even worth wasting your time on.

Yes, if they are being that rude to you over something so trivial, then your husband should probably tell them to lighten the hell up.

But, if he's like many husbands, he won't defend you, because some husbands are a little weak that way. They think that it's an issue between you and someone else, and not their business.

So --- have you asked him to stick up for you? Is your husband typically a little on the weak and passive side?

I have learned that you can't really change people like that, so maybe you should just let your husband maintain his friendships and when he is hanging out with them you just go hang out with some more worthwhile individuals.

Some things aren't worth getting into an argument and these people don't sound like they are worth fretting about.

My husband would stand by my side and I by his in a situation like this and I don't think you are out of line at all. You may have to let it go, however...I am unclear a bit whether the man in question is your husbands brother or not, which makes things a little sticky, or if the woman is his sister. Either case, family issues are always complicated.

I am afraid if it were me the fight would be on and I am seriously the one who likes peace in the family, but enough is enough.

You should just go to the sister-in-law and brother-in-law and ask them what their problem is and get it straightened out. If anything your hubby should be getting it fixed too since it is his side of the family and he seems to have the line of communication with them. And yes he should be on your side and be honest with you if there is more to it than what you think.

Family is a tough thing trying to keep peace all the time, but you also do not deserve to be treated like a second class citizen since you are trying to make peace with them.

Good luck!

I think the whole thing is stupid, NOT on your part, but on that of the sister and brother in law, they probably got upset because they know their kid is on the handheld game too much and are sensitive about it. It sounds that way to me since they had to point out all the other things their kid does. And YES I would be upset with my hubby too. I can understand him wanting to still have a relationship with brotherinlaw but since it seemed like he tried to stand up for you with his sis he should be doing the same with the BIL and at least try to get things on a comfortable level for the 4 of you.

Ask your husband to plan a movie night on Monday night and watch The Hatfields and McCoys on the History Channel. Have him invite his brother and SIL to watch too. After the movie, discuss how these families started killing each other. Point out that after a few generations of this going on and on, they did not even know what the reasons were anymore....over trivial matters.