Hi my son is 3 and the last year has been tough in terms of disciplining him. He absolutely hates it when you say "no" to him, he tries to break something or throw something when you say no to him. The only time I can get him to do what I want him to do (and he is pleasant about it, not like when we say "no" to him) is when I turn it into a "game" and say "pls, do this or do that" with sad face. He looks at me as if he feels bad and so much empathy for my sadness, comes over to hug and kiss me and then does what I ask him to do. Sounds so sweet and great that it works, right:? (most of the time this really works like magic but there of course some times he is just plain stubborn and won't budge) but I can't be the "pleading parent" forever to get him to do what I want him to do, I want to instill discipline on him, that's my role as a parent but it's so dreadful the tantrums that happen whenever we say no to him and we still do but I just wanted to know a better way. I know that with each child since all children are different, one technique works and another does not. What disciplining technique have you done with your child who hates to hear no and throws a tantrum whenever he is told he can't do something? Thanks for your thoughts and answer.
Read the Happiest Toddler on the Block for great insights into the mind of a three year old and avoiding tantrums. Read 1 2 3 Magic for easy great discipline advise, I think three is the hardest age!
I always liked the book "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk". It works for kids ages 2-22! I think most of the recommended books mostly say the same types of things so maybe try reading about some different techniques & try to apply them.
Love and Logic. Check out the book at your local library. It has helped in my household with our 3.5 yo. We struggled with NO for a very long time, and now it is easier on all three of us.
If I'm reading your post right, you're wanting to instill discipline means that you want him to do the right things. If that's so, yes, having him do things because you're sad isn't the way to go. You want him to do the right thing because it's the right thing to do.
His reacting to sadness could possibly be teaching him to make choices based on how other people would feel. Yes, that's important, but it's not always the indicator of the right thing. For example, one day could a teen friend who is sad because your son doesn't want to stay out past curfew sway him?
Getting him to do the right thing is important. Some use punishments. I use logic and fun. It really does work! And now I'm giving examples of compassion (and cleverness) to solve problems instead of 'whoever is strongest wins'. He 's learning from how you're doing things just as much if not more from what you're doing.
When you aren't raised with logic and fun as your motivators, figuring out how to do this is tuff. A great help was the "How to Talk" book mentioned below. "Playful Parenting" by Laurence Kohn is excellent as well.
I also think that reading books from people who have been trained, have studied, have seen countless examples of what "works" and what doesn't is a great idea. You then have something to think about and can choose what will apply to your family.
I also recommend the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk". I wish I could memorize the whole thing b/c there are so many helpful ideas! Also, the thing that has worked most for me with curbing my 3-year-olds behavior is... prevention. Making sure that I don't over-fill his days, that he is getting plenty of rest (a nap or downtime is important), and that I always have a supply of healthy, filling snacks on hand for when he gets hungry. It doesn't mean that he never acts out, but he acts out a lot less often when he isn't hungry, tired, or over-stimulated. Good luck!
D M all children hate to here the word NO but they are going to hear it the rest of their life. We had a "No Tantrum Policy" in our home. It's great to play games with our children, but not to get them to obey, obedience needs to come from love and respect to you and your husband as his mom and dad, NO parent should ever beg and plead with their children, however children learn respect by listening and watching their parents, for example can you pick that up for me please, that's showing your child respect, oppose to pick that up, saying please to your child in this form is not pleading, it's respecting and saying please and thank you to your children teach them to do the same. Now we never full fledged spanked our children, but when needed and we picked are battles, my husband would give 2 good swats on the butt, (God padded it for a reason) and it was a rare think if my husband had to discipline any of our 3 children for the same thing more than once, our children knew they were loved and respected, but they also knew that we were in charge we were the parents and they were the children, I know this was the right way for our children, cause we have the results right in from of us. J.
Hi, D. What does he need?
Check out the book, To Listen to a Child, by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D.
Good luck. D.
http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/
BEST HELP EVER!!!!!!!!!!
1-2-3 Magic worked for me.
You are right, you can't be the "pleading parent" forever, and the results you get from that will begin to diminish as your son becomes aware that you're playing on his emotions. (Or, as Liz A. mentions, he may become so "playable" that he won't develop a strong enough internal compass to guide his future choices.)
I'm another fan of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The positive wisdom in this book will make it a resource you reach for again and again. It's my current favorite with my 4.5yo grandson. The "parenting tools" taught by the workshop leaders who wrote the book are mutually respectful, run on positive emotions, and they work brillliantly.
These techniques are easy to understand, and you can begin to apply them immediately, as you have finished the first chapter. They appear to be uniformly successful with "normal" kids. And I've recommended this book to a couple of young families with seriously challenged kids: neurological deficits, defiance and rages, violent behavior. The parents were relieved to see an almost instant change for the better in their children's behavior. They are not going to see perfection, of course, but they had learned that punishments, time-outs, and emotional manipulation were only creating worse behaviors in their kids.
I haven't read them, but I've heard nothing but good things about the books 1-2-3 Magic and Have a New Kid By Friday. My 3 year old is very difficult and has insane tantrums. I tell her no and stick to my guns about it and I tend to ignore her when she's having a tantrum because she doesn't seem to respond to anything else. She's learning that she's not going to get her way and her tantrums have been less frequent, but she still has her difficult moments. I'm thinking I need to start reading! Good luck.
Just about all children melt down at the sound of NO coming from a parents mouth. Comes with the nature of the beast you can say. My 4yr old goes though phases where he'll throw himself down to the floor or run to his room when he doesn't get his way and I let him. I ignore it and that's that. I've explained to him that he looses out on a different choice when he does this too and he ends up getting nothing at all. For example he'll ask for cookies for snack and i feel it's too close to dinner time so I'll tell him not right now. If he throws a fit, he gets ignored and gets nothing till dinner time. If he stays there and lets me finish talking, I may compromise and let him have them after dinner for snack and may offer him a cheese stick before dinner and there is no wiggle room for him either. It's cheese stick or nothing at that time. Now if his fit involves hitting, kicking or anything of that nature, we get sat in time out for 4 mins and we don't get what we wanted or we have to do what mommy/daddy asked of him and there is no compromise.
It's a huge thing for kids to understand and it can be really hard for a parent not to just give in so you can get them to stop carrying on in a bad way but to me, it's part of growing up, we don't always get what we want and acting out isn't going to get it for you either. Even my 10yr old has to be reminded of this sometimes when she doesn't get her way about something.
Just ignore him for now, don't talk or look at him till he is done and then start back at square one-pick up your toys please. Don't pout or act like you are crying to get him to do it either but maybe offer to help him for 1 minute and the rest is up to him. And then give him big hugs, kisses and high 5's for doing it.
Good luck!
S.
Here's a great start, check out website and if you like it, get the book:
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com
You say that he likes it when you make things into a game, so do that. Be creative. He's reallllly little still. 3 is so young.
