HELP!!! Is My 3 Year Old Out of Control?

I would put him in his room when he starts and close the door. Get one of those child proof handles on the door, so he can't get out. Then when he calms down go in and talk to him about it.

I understand most people are against hitting. Because hitting causes them to think its ok and blah blah blah....but it works in my house. Neither kids have hit me yet!! Ones 9 and the other 2.

E.,
First please do not feel that you are a failure as a mom!
Sorry to say this because I know it's about your mom and dad but it's normal for a 3 year old to go through this stage. Maybe they just forgot. :) I know that I'm going to try!
I too have a gentle, sweet little three year old and he sometimes turns into another little boy that I do not know! I cried many nights after a hard day and wondered what has happened and what did I do wrong? I found alot of relief when my friends told me that it's not the two's that are so trying but the threes! When they are three they are testing alot of bondries and are really just starting to learn how to control their frustrations. It's a VERY hard time for all concerned. It WILL get better. Till then I will give you a secret that always helps me. I have noticed that when I feel incompetent his behavior gets worse. When I have my eggs all in order and I know what I am doing and have a plan laid out for me when things get hard he responds a lot better. They can sense when you are not in control, don't be fooled. Children depend on you as a parent to be in control even when they appear to be applauded by it! Important: Have a plan when the hard time happens. How are you going to handle it? Take control of it or take it personal? If he hits, have a plan of discipline and stick to it! Be consistent and calm and I promise you will get results.
Hang in there mommy, this is the time to pull up your boot straps!
I'll say a prayer for you tonight. :)
C.

E., I am sorry you are going through this, but it is not just a phase. You need to find some answers, now. My niece was very much this way. It started at about age 3 and she is now 9. It has been a long row to hoe, but things are much better now. She would be fine and less than a minute later she was out of control. Very quickly, I discovered that she knew who would let her get away with it. It turns out she had anxiety and anger management problems and she knew how to use it. My husband and I begged them to not tolerate this behavior, but they did. Soon, we were the only ones that could keep her, because she did not do this with us. However, when her parents were around she did even though we were there. (My point is be firm, caring but firm.) These are the steps I followed and have really worked wonders with her. Although, I do reccomend counsiling, as I did with my niece, but she was not taken on a steady basis, so I don't know that it did any good.

Step 1 - Let them know this kind of behavior is not acceptable and you will NOT tolerate it. Be consistant.

Step 2 - Be supportive but firm. (I explained that I knew it must be awful to feel that mad, but that I still expect to be respected.)

Step 3 - Give him another outlet. If he feels like he needs to hit, give him a punching bag and explain that this is the ONLY thing he is allowed to hit. (We eventually got away from hitting all together, but it was a starting point.)Explain that there is no punishment for hitting the bag, but if he hits anything else or anyone that he will be in trouble. (We also established some ground rules such as even if she is not hitting she is not aloud to scream and rant all over the house. She must go to her room and calm herself down.)

Step 4 - Give him time to calm down. (My niece would try to get away to calm down and they would chase her around still discussing the problem. As adults, sometimes we just have to walk away. Give them the oppurtunity, as well. They do have emotions, and my nieces were raging out of control.)

Step 5 - Don't lose it. When he gets out of control, don't lose your cool. (This is the hardest part, because you have to stay until you get the point across. I would be 20 minutes, redirecting her, before she would start to calm herself, when we first started. I would have to say things like, "I know you are mad but that is not an excuse to disrepect me or be mean to me." or "Would you like it if I screamed at you or hit you? Then don't do it to me. I don't like it either." She would scream for me to leave her alone and I would tell her that as soon as she stopped screaming and hitting I would leave her alone for a while and let her calm down and then we could talk. ( I found it was important to let her know that a fit would not get her out of the situation all together.)

I am no therapist so I can't say this will definately work, but it did with my niece. I also not against spankings but in this case it did not make since to do that. Your son may not have this same problem but it sounds very familiar to me. I wish you the best of luck. God Bless.

Wow, I cannot imagine having my child hit me. I am totally shocked that you're having to deal with this! It is NOT acceptable behavior and you are right to put a stop to it IMMEDIATELY! I'm sure you've considered how he'll treat other children when he gets to school if nothing is done about it now.

It may not be popular with most of today's parents, but I see nothing wrong with instilling a healthy dose of fear into a child. I was WAY too scared of my mother to ever even CONSIDER for a tiny little millisecond that I may possibly think about hitting her. And I think I've given my children just enough of it that they feel the same. This mother is way too strong to accept that type of behavior. I don't beat my children, but it's okay that they fear my reaction if they were to ever hit me.

Here's a book you may want to check out. I'd also speak with his pediatrician. I wish you good luck; get that little guy on track now!

http://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frust...

**I've gone back and read the other responses. I cannot believe that a child hitting his/her mother is considered "just a phase." This has never happened in my home and the first time it did would definitely be the last. Yikes!

Maybe the book "Easy to Love: Difficult to Discipline" will help you a bit

Please don't feel like a failure - you are already taking that first step to help your child by reaching out for information.

You can have your child assessed through the school system for his behaviors. I do need to let you know that you would be introduced to many terms, and many professionals.

You will either be told your child requires a new type of behavior plan, and the committee will offer you suggestions - or, if there is an issue that requires direct intervention, your child will be offered the opportunity to receive services through the school system. There is also the private option, which is often quite costly. For this route you would need a child psychologist.

As many of the mamas on this site have said, mothers have excellent instincts about their children. If you have a deep concern (and if you have been brought to tears, this is most likely the case) about your son's behavior I strongly suggest that you seek an assessment. This would put you in a proactive position (you are obviously the type of mother who wants to do the best for her child, and not sit and watch a situation worsen), and your son could only benefit.

Good luck! How fortunate your son is to have you care so deeply for him.

Warmly,
S.

E.,

What are his consequences when he behaves this way? Praise the positive things he does, and absolutely tell him "no hitting ever!" Every time he does this, remove him and walk away and give him no eye contact except to say "no hitting" or "we don't hit!" Use Super Nanny's tip and put him on the naughty spot EVERY TIME! Make him apologize and tell you what he did wrong. Don't give up... he may be acting this way to get a rise out of you..stay calm and breathe. You can do it! Hopefully, once he knows you won't tolerate this behavior it will grt better. Tell your parents and husband to use the same method and BE CONSISTENT. He will get tired of sitting in the naughty spot and realize that is where he will be if he acts that way. hang in there!

All I can say is join the club I have a 3yr old that does they same thing and he even beats on me and his young brother. He listens to his dad more then me. I totally feel you pain and it take time and patient and lots of prayer. i think it is just a phrase they go through. So I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

I felt the same way as you with my first. Please consider whether he isn't reacting to foods and especially food additives. My younger son, who is now 11 turns into a demonic child when he has red dye - you can see him change within the hour before your eyes. It is amazing. I googled and found lots of articles discuss anger/aggression and food colorings/preservatives/additives. My kids are also on a gluten and casein free diet (both of these proteins can impact the brain and impact behavior) and that has helped tremendously with everyone's disposition. You son may well be hurting inside and because he often feels that way, he can't communicate it. Take a look at the video (on the lower right on this webpage) on Dr. Block's website that shows a child reacting to a food:
http://www.blockcenter.com/ADD_ADHD/Allergies_Behavior.html

Don't blame yourself - you're not a failure - you care and that's what matters the most in the end. For my kids, I'm not an absolute nazi about them not consuming the colorings/additives - I just won't buy it for them or bring it into the house. The most recent episode was a few weeks ago when he had bought a red gatorade at school and brought it home with him. He was drinking it and within 45 minutes was an absolute terror - fighting with everyone just as you mention your son does. Once you're aware of it, you can look for the reaction. So, you might want to consider a food diary OR just going two weeks without the stuff (if it's preservatives or something like MSG, that means that you likely can't eat out or eat most processed foods) and seeing how he does. IMHO, it's well worth the effort. And, I'm not trying to say that discipline isn't needed (my boys still need lots of that), but I do think these food reactions should be ruled out before one assumes the child is choosing to behave that way for malicious reasons.