Help - Just Got Divorced and Have Small Child

Good for you Denise! You are already a good strong mom for walking away from what would probably be a worse situation. I had to leave my son's father when my son was 4. He had a drug and drinking problem. I went to Alanon and met the nicest people. It helped me become a very strong person. I saw women that did not leave their husbands and their children were now screwed up. I saw children that hated their mothers for not getting them away from loser dads. It made me know I wanted more for my child. It helped me get rid of the anger. I am still angry because I have struggled for the last 10 years (no child support) but my son thinks that everything has been great because I never let him see that things were so hard. I saved that for my family and friends. I had him in couseling when he started getting mad he didn't have a dad and we worked through that also. Just take each day at a time, stop worrying about how your daughter is going to feel down the road. Be honest with her when she asks questions (don't tell details). I also told my son that his father's behavior was unacceptable. We deserved better then that,now that he is fourteen he knows what is acceptable behavior. And he knows when someone is not treating him well that he deserves better then that. What's hard too is changing your life. Other mothers got divorced when I did. They are all married and some of them are divorced again. Raising my son was more important to me then finding someone for myself. I always thought that once he was in college and on his way that will be my time. Maybe that will happen maybe not but I have so many wonderful friends it hasn't been bad. Once your daughter is in school you will start to make friends that will be there for you, you will have so much in common because of your child it will be happy again. Just hang in there. You have to be strong and she will be strong. You have to find joy and she will find joy. You have to move on and she will move on also. Stop thinking of the future and what she may say or do, have fun now and deal with now. Worry about what's coming when it comes, if you worry about it now and it never happens you wasted all that time for no reason. Be the person you want your child to become, they watch every move you make and they are so much smarter then we give them credit for...and always tell the truth. And who cares what her father is saying, my ex said mean things and lied about me for years, all I would tell my son is that I never lied to him and he has the right to believe anything he wants. After 10 years he is totally figuring things out and he knows the truth. He knows I am strong and he knows I am always there for him. Yesterday we were walking into his teacher conference and he told me that he told the teacher that I can kick butt, I was mortified but he proceeded to tell me that it was a compliment and that he knew I could always get us out of any bad situation. So kick some butt, rise above this and show everyone what you are made of:)

Hello Denise. My name is J. and I have a little girl who will be 5 in Nov. I can relate in a way to ur situation. Her father lives in another state and hasnt bothered to see her since the day I left also...when she was 1. He too was very abusive and childish and wanted to be the baby. I decided to leave him the day he threw a glass at me and it shattered..leaving broken glass on the floor where his baby girl was learning to walk..barefoot. Ive had the "luxury" of taking him to court..for a measly 38 dollars a week(which I havent seen since March). I have gotten over him but the man who I did have her life for the last 3 years, the man she calls daddy, just walked out on us. But honestly it was the best move he ever made because he too was mentally abusive. But the reason I stayed with him this long was because my daughter. She didnt know her real father and now to have her lose the one that she sees as her daddy was devastating to me. I was terrified on how to explain this to her. She would cry and cry for him. I finally sat her down and talked to her and told her that daddy and I could not get along and if two people say things to hurt each other then u dont need to be around each other. If anyone is mean to u they do not have to be around u so daddy and mommy left each other. So she responded that "daddy was nice to me" and of course i was stuck. But i just kept stressing that Daddy has to be nice to everyone..not just one person and that he loves her.
Now her real father sent me a box of clothes..first time in 4 years(I believe i can thank his girlfriend. She has contacted me) I showed her pictures of him and explaned this is daddy steve..she looks at me like im crazy and just goes on with her business. Luckily children cope much easier than we do. We are sinical and scarred but a child has this innocent way of looking at things. Ur daughter will too be great growing up. Now I too have the same fear as u..what do i tell her when she's 6,7,8,ect..when she understands. If u find that answer please share with me. Just be there for your daughter(which u already are). Be the one stable thing in her life. And she'll grow up to know no matter what u were her mommy and her daddy and thats all she needed.
Im sorry I went off track but I hope this helped a little bit. Just know u arent alone.
J. W

I know my situation is entirely different and I won't even make similiarities but...while reading your message I felt really sad for you. My husband has bipolar and he is totally not stable. We go from meds to other meds and its been rough to say the least. But I always stay happy for my baby girl. It is important that they see us upbeat and fun and enjoy the stability they see in their mother. Afterall its the mom who does everything anyway in most stable relationships too. So take advantage of the best years in your life -- you have a daughter to cherish and treasure. The time will fly and you will regret being so depressed and resentful. It will be an enormous waste. You have a tremendous amount to be happy about and leave your jerky ex husband out of your life and close that chapter. I know I'm being a bit rough but depression is a terrible thing and if you get into it it will be chaallenging to get out so just stay far away from it by being proactive. Best of luck. You'll be ok.

Hi Denise:
I use books to talk about difficult topics. Most independent books stores have a section on "issues". Also try the self esteem shop, they are in the NW suburbs. I think they have a website.
You made the right decision. You are not alone.
For you, I encourge you to join Single Mothers newsletter. The author also has a great, Everything a Single mom needs to know..." book. Try googling Single mothers newsletter, ignore the PORN! (YUCK!) and check it out!
All the best-R.

Making the right decision and living with it is not always easy! Stick to your core values – one of which is the health of your daughter. I always remember two words of advice: “If the sh _ t stinks, stay away (in your case, far away)” and “Kill’em with kindness”. I think this is the case for you. I would still be in contact with him RE your daughter, regardless if he responds. This is the best approach and the right approach. I am sure he is hurting too and might snap out of it one day and decide to be involved. As far as what to tell your daughter about her daddy going forward …. You are in a situation almost like a death and until he responds and wants to be involved, I would treat it like that. You can be honest about your relationship with her daddy and let her know he loved her. I can tell you when my dad died (I was 20), it took my mom 7 years to get over the hurt. She finally found a wonderful man to help share her life and am I glad! Although I do not claim him as my father so to speak, he is the greatest grandfather. My children just adore him. Why am I telling you this? Life does go on in time. And I hope for you little girls sake, you can pull your life together and stop living in the past. You made your decision and now proudly show your daughter how good life is! When you can see the future, it will happen. I hope you have the opportunity to meet (have a relationship with) a great strong man to be a father figure to your daughter in the near future. Life is good and America is better!!!!

Denise. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can feel your sadness. But you need to learn how to find things in your life to make you happy and smile. You have a beautiful daughter and you don't want her to grow up feeling sad also. I think children know when their parents are not happy.

About your stupid ex-husband....I know you probably are wishing that you could still do something to change him.

My advise to you is send him pictures of his daughter...tons of them. Maybe he will see what he's missing out on and learn to become a better man.

Good luck to you and be happy.

Denise,

It sounds to me like you made the right decision. The distance makes the situation much more difficult. There is an organization in North Chicago/Evanston called Lilac Tree that offers support, counseling, and advice to women going through a divorce.

I'm sure you are feeling a bit depressed about everything, and the feeling of sadness and hopelessness are hard feeling to deal with. It is natural that you are sad that your daughter does not know her father. It sounds like some support groups or counseling would really help you work all this out.

I am very sorry to hear about your current dilemma! I think the biggest thing to remember is just how AMAZING and STRONG you are! What a lot of people don't get is that not only are you, as the mother the one who takes on all the responsibilities of that role, but you are doing it all on your OWN! That takes strength and do not forget that! Yes, this is a heartbreaking situation and I am not going to sugar coat it for you, BUT what has helped me get through hard times (I am in the process of a divorce) was to remember- Life is 10% waht happens to you and 90% how you react... yes, cliche, but think about it. You don't have the luxury to be selfish like your ex and you have done what us best for you and your daughter. I have taken the approach to not allow THIS divorce to define me! Take back your life and gain back your freedom! I went to a few counselors but than was finally given this book and it really spoke to me. You can order it on amazon.com- I highly recommend it! Love Must be Tough. http://www.amazon.com/Love-Must-Be-Tough-Marriages/dp/141...
Obviously, your marriage is probably beyond repair, but listen to what he says about how to heal yourself! I found it helpful I hope you do to!
Good luck!

Hi Denise,
Your daughter should be the reason to love life, and I write this completly understanding your situation. My son will be 4 years old in November and his father and I broke up when he was 8 months old. His father left to Florida and left us in Chicago. My son doesn't know his father and like the saying goes, a son always needs his father. When he ask why he doesn't have a daddy I tell him that he does, but he lives far, far away but that he loves him. I won't speak bad about him because when they get older, when they understand better, they will realize the truth. I tell him all the time (maybe I'm being selfish) that all he needs is mommy and that mommy has enough love to give him. It breaks my heart when they do daddy activities in school and he doesn't have a daddy, my tears always comes out but what are we to do? Keep your head up high. I always say I rather be alone than to be with someone who is not even worth the time, like you described your ex-husband. It's not worth having your daughter around someone who is doing drugs around her. You're better off alone. Good luck.

As a woman who grew up from this kind of situation, let me offer this to you. As long as YOU love this child and make them feel good about themselves, your child will be ok. It will be hard to see your child feel that loss, but in life, there is pain. And sometimes people will disappoint them. Never say anything bad about him, but build a "village" around her to show her tons of unconditional love.

I also left my son's father in Georgia (who has now moved even farther away to Florida)and had to start over again, but I took my mother as my example and am raising my son around a loving support system. There are "uncles and cousins" (not biological)who provide strong male role models for him.

But you should see someone or join a support group. And please stop beating yourself up for making what appears to be the best decision for you and your daughter. You ex is no longer your concern, you and your child are.

Good luck.

R.

Hi Denise,
I'm not divorced but am the child of a divorce. My parents split when I was very young, around the age of 1. While my dad did make attempts to visit me a couple of times a year and did provide child support (a whole $150 each month - which never went up the entire time he paid - until I was 18)I didn't really know him. He moved down to Texas when I was in high school and had no idea b/c at that point we didn't really talk much.
Thanks to my strong mother and her very supportive family I am a well adjusted, college educated woman who speaks her mind. That's not to say that it hasn't left me with some anxiety issues and a fear of being left but everyone has their crosses to bear in life and this is mine and I'm working on it everyday! I am now married to a wonderfully supportive man and expecting my first baby.
The most important thing right now is raising your daughter to be happy and healthy. Stay positive and look at your relationship for what it was, it gave you the opportunity to have this beautiful daughter who will love you forever and you'll always have one another.
Leave the door open with your ex, meaning don't beg him to see your daughter but if he makes the attempt it's worth hearing him out but don't focus or count on that b/c people make decisions based on things we may not understand or have no idea about.
Just stay focused on your daughter and yourself and things will be fine. Try not to stress about these things that you can't change b/c your daughter will sense this, no matter how young. Keep positive and make the most of what you DO have!

I wish you and your daughter nothing but happy times!
Good luck!
L.