Help Me Make a Tough Decision

In my opinion, the kids come first no matter what. If he is making them uncomfortable then he has to go and work out the details later. You are their protector.

I am not one to give up one someone. I say try counseling if you really want to give it one last heave-ho. But, if he says no or it doesnt seem to be working, gotta let this one go.

He is a user, take the rest of the family's advice and lose him. Dont be afraid of being alone, for you have a great family to love and support you. So tell him to leave and change the locks!

How was your boyfriend supporting himself before he lucked out and found you and moved in? If he could do it before, he can do it again.

Personally, when you have children young enough to be living at home, I think you should avoid live-in situations just for reasons like this. This man has no reason to treat your kids well, as he is not obligated to them or committed to being a parental role in their lives. He is there because he gets access to you, and it's affordable.

Give him some notice so he can find a suitable place to live, but I would make it clear that this is no longer an acceptable situation and he needs to find a new place within the next 30 days.

Good luck.

It shouldn't be a second thought. Men come and go, but your children will always be your children. You shouldn't be concerned whether he doesn't have enough money to afford a place of his own. You need to be concerned about the welfare of your children and yourself. You're not happy with him anyways. What is keeping you from breaking up with him? He'll survive, believe me. A separation means that there is a possibility of reconciliation. You have to get it in your mind that this will be a break-up and don't look back. Don't give him an opportunity to weasel his way back into your life. Who cares whether he doesn't want to separate. That shouldn't be a concern to you. Your children should be the most important thing in your life. That's good that everything's in your name and you own everything, it will be just so much easier to break it off. Don't make excuses. Look within yourself. You know what you need to do, you just need to do it. You're not married so why even go to couples counseling? You don't ask him to leave, YOU TELL HIM!!!

It doesn't sound like you're fierce about protecting your family. I apologize for sounding rude, but you really need to think of yourself and your family. Come to think of it, he's not family, he's just a boyfriend. So what's the hold-up? God forbid, he's doing anything else that your daughters haven't told you about.

Personally, i would say it's not a question of whether or not you still love him. Sometimes we love things or people that are not healthy. As mature adults, it is our responsibility to get rid of those unhealthy things or people, especially when there are children involved who are being hurt. I know this is a very hard decision, but you can do it. I will be praying for you!

As someone who was once in your kids shoes I will simply tell you how it has affected me. I am almost 47 years old and still dealing with the effects in therapy.

It took a lot for your kids to come and talk to you about this. If you take no action you run the risk of them feeling that they just don't matter. My mother did nothing and kept the boyfriend. To this day it hurts me to know that she didn't care enough to protect me.

If you are also saying that you no longer feel in love with him then it is time for him to leave.

Best of luck.

Yep, ditto! Should have even be a second thought, if yours kids are complaining then out he goes! I why would you even consider couples counseling if you don't love him and your kids don't like him, and his kids say the same thing. There is NOTHING to save except your relationship with your kids which is THE MOST important thing. You may want to consider getting counseling for your self. Sounds like you need someone in your life to make you feel good, you should feel good enough about your self not sacrifice the well being of your children and their relationship with you. Trust me, my mom had plenty of scum bags in her life, it affected our lifes, who we became and our relationship with her! GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP! Cute the apron strings and never look back.

You are not responsible for the fact that this man does not have his own home. If you demand that he leave, two things will happen: 1. He will find another woman to take him in; and, 2. By shutting that door, you will allow yourself the privilege of finding the door to someone who will truly love you and your children.

It is my feeling that "marriage" is a pact between two people. It is only recently that the church and state have made it "illegal" for people to be married without their sanction. Not only that, the interests of the church and the state have to do with money. By agreeing to live with this man, and no other, you have, in the estimation of many, "married" him. Time for a divorce!! Time to find a man who deserves and reciprocates the beautiful love you have inside you.

I hope I haven't stepped on any toes, but I am nearly 70 years old and have been around the barn more times than I care to mention.

G.

Dear K.,

The writing is now loud and clearly on the wall. The evil man your helping has issues you should not subject your children, nor yourself to. your situation will end sadly if you do not sit him down and tell him firmly that a mother and her children are a package deal and you refuse to tolerate his negetivity one more day. If he does not have relatives nor friends that will take him in then he must consider a homeless shelter. You should not expose your children nor yourself to such a obvious selfish perhaps violent moocher. Summon up the courage to make this decision by praying to God to put the white light of the holy spirit around you and yours, for protection, ask that the right words come to you so that you do not make him violent. You can also get a restraining order to legally keep him away. Do the right thing Mom.

Love and light,
D. P.

move on. #1 if he does not treat your kids right he can NOt be a part of your life period. Listen to their feelings you will be glad you did later. #2 do not feel bad that he has no where else. He needs to be able to support himself, not your problem.
Basically you answered your own question. Kids are not happy , you are not happy where is the dilema? He needs to go. You will be happier and your kids will thank you for freeing them of this burden. If your own child has to leave his own home, his own safe place, then the problem must be bad. DO not put your son last. His actions speak louder than words.

I believe for the sake of you and your children - he needs to be kicked out. Please do it for them, not you. My mother's ex-husband abused me growing up, telling me how worthless I was, stupid, etc. Also, hit me. I've been there and would beg my mom to divorce him. Please do it for the kids.

Why are you so worried about him and not your kids? Seriously, your last three questions were about him. You have the power to make decisions, yet you lack using it.

Read this book: Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives by Laura C. Schlessinger

http://www.amazon.com/Stupid-Things-Women-Their-Lives/dp/...

I'll even buy you the book! Send me an address and I'll send you a copy.

One more thing to think about - stand back for one minute and ask youself "Would I let my daughter date a person identical to him?" Don't lower your standards, it's not worth it.

Listen to your children. they are what's important in your life. whether he can find somewhere to live is really not your problem, your problem is that your children have come to you. LISTEN TO THEM. before it's too late! and listen to YOURSELF! do you really NEED him in your life? you say you are not happy. so ciao to your boyfriend!

Leave him! You are not even sure that you love him, so if you have to question your love for him, then most likely, you are NOT in love. You say you are not happy in the relationship for other reasons that are complicated. I say - - enjoy your new pending grandmotherhood and enjoy your kids and move on.............WITHOUT him!

It sounds like you already know if you love him or not. If he had enough money for his own place it sounds like you would have already put him out. You have to remember, you are his girlfriend NOT his mother. It is not your responsibility to make sure HE has a place to stay. You say you are fierce about protecting your family? Then don't put up with any man that would treat your children unkindly!!! This is YOUR house and YOUR children we are talking about. He needs to get with the program or get out!!! If he truely loved you he would never treat your children poorly!! I would sit down and have a heart to heart with him and let him know that you will not tolerate him treating your children poorly. If this is someone you want to spend forever with then get counseling but if it's not...Get him out! Don't subject yourself and especially your children to this man's issues. Good luck!!!

Not a tough decision at all. Just tell him to go. You hava a list of reasons. Write them down and give him the list. You're unhappy, your children are unhappy and so are his so what's to stop you. His financial situation? Not your problem.. I'm not being mean just realistic. I rather have happy children next to me than have them move away just so I can be with someone that may one day soon turn around and leave me. There is no any guarantee that a man married to you will not leave you much less one just living with you with no ties. Don't worry, BE HAPPY!!!

Ask him to leave, live is one and your kids are your treasure, they need you.He is an adult and he should be avilable to support him by himself... you are mom of two. He is taking advantage of you and all this situation. You have the right to be happy!!! It's your decission!!! Good luck!!!! You can do it!!!!

If he does not have a good relationship with your children, you need to get rid of him, period no if's and's or but's. When I sat down with my husband, his ex-wife and her husband to decide how we were going to handle the children and custody her husband said he didn't like her children, never had and never will. That was seven years ago, they have been divorced for four years and the kids stay with us full time. Your kids do not need that kind of drama, let him take care of himself.

Sweetheart: are you strong enough to ask him to leave? He is not communicating with you...seems you don't either. Is it all about anger towards the ex? That gets old and is very immature. Too bad he cannot afford to live on his own; but he will find some other sucker to take him in. It's OK to love the person; but not OK to be the punching bag.
Find your self-esteem (you have it in you, sister) and tell him : hey man, reality check: you're abusive to my children and you need some help. Go get it. Here's the door...
Then lock him out and tell your kids they are more important than a loser boyfriend.

I think that you need to put your own family and kids first, ALWAYS!!!!! It has been bad for them for a while for them to finally come to you and they are coming to you in hopes that you will protect them and keep them comfortable in their own home. Let this guy go. Come up with whatever story you want (except to blame it on the kids) and tell him he needs to get out. Give him a date (by the 1st!)and don't keep it open ended (such as 'when you find a place')- because that might be a long time from now...

Your kids sooooo very important, a guy is NOT, especially one that doesn't treat your kids well. NO WAY!!! You don't 'decide' if you still love him, you would know and it would feel right. Nothing is needed, no counseling, therapy etc, except maybe for you with the kids to get things right with them again....

Good luck!

Hi K.,

It might be tough- but I say put your children first-ALWAYS. Are you really going to let him treat them badly when you're not around? To be fair, I would discuss your concerns with him- but if he doesn't change (and soon) he should make arrangements to find another home.
Honestly, if you don't know if you love him or not, you probably don't. If your son is sleeping on his uncle's couch instead of his own bed because of this guy- I think it's time to say goodbye. Now.

Best of luck!

I don't see the "tough decision" You are a mom, it is your responsibility to protect, and care for your children both physically and emotionally. If someone, anyone is being unkind to them, there is no question as to what you should do. Whether you love him or not shouldn't even matter, because as a parent you are to be self sacrificing, your children come first!!! Who cares if he can't support himself, that speaks volumes about his character alone. You have had your children and his children tell you he's unkind, WHY would you consider staying with him??? Seek counseling, but not as a couple, rather get counseling to confront this dependency issue you seem to have that would allow you to justify making your children unhappy.

Please kick him out!!!!!!
Don't feel sorry for someone that treats your kids anything but kind. Be an example to your girls. Then they will not tolerate this with men in their lives later.
I know, my mom didn't kick out the man that was mean to me when she wasn't around... I still am in therapy.
Kids first... period.

Sounds like it's time for him to go. He'll figure out how to make it on his own. That is not your responsibility. You have to take care of your children and yourself. If you are truly fierce about protecting your family then changes need to be made.
Good luck. I know it's not easy but you will be happier once a decision is made.

YOUR FAMILY COMES FIRST! They were there before he got there and they will be there after.You basically answered your own question. You are not in love with him but you love and care for him. It sounds like you feel obligated to him for helping you and doing things for you.You say you feel guilty if you ask him to leave well if no one is happy then someone has to leave or it will get worse. Give him a date that way he can get money up to move. The Flyer has a lot of affordable efficiencies. Stop making excuses and do what needs to be done for you and your family. What will you think might happen if this persists like this? If the situation rises and he starts acting stupid call the police and inform your children to let you know of any time he mistreats them because you are a package deal! What will he do when the baby comes and your a grandma and you spend most of your time with the grand child and not him? Take care of your family first. HE HAS TO GO!!!

I am sorry you are going through this but this too will pass. Your children are your number one concern. Boot him out and let him find his family to help. If you go to counceling his change will be temporary. Do it for the kids. His problem is not yours. Do it fast. It will be hard, but you will get over it. Good Luck
I have been in a bad relationship and had to do the same thing. (Alcohol was his problem).

K.,

I know that you are going through a rough time with this decision, but your kids should be the first priority in your life. You have a son that needs a man to set a good example for him. You should not keep this guy around just because he can not afford his own place. He will survive. Plus, you do not have the right to tell his children to not tell their mother what is going on in your household. The other mother has every right to know what type of environment her children are being exposed to. You need to put yourself in the shoe of the other mother and think about how you would like it if your ex-husband told your children to not discuss what was going on in his household. Sounds like this relationship is horrible for all parties involved and should be dissolved. I do not mean to be harsh, but just trying to keep it real. Good luck.

I think you know the answer already. Your kids come first, your boyfriend is not nice to your son, he maybe resentful of him, and your feeling for him have diminished. You can tell him its time to leave and get his own place to live, this is not working anymore. It doesnt have to mean you are totally cutting him out of your life. I know its not easy, but unlike alot of woman you have the upper hand here, its your house! The sooner you decide, you will be happy. Good luck.

I'd put my children first. How very sad for your boy to feel he needs to put on a happy face and put up with your boyfriend for your 'happiness', specially when you are doubting your feelings towards this guy. I don't think you are happy after all.
Regarding your own feelings, I believe that having been married a couple of times and with your experience, it should be clear to you that there is a difference between love and compassion.

My sister and I were in your children's place 25 years ago. But our mom's husband was nice to her so we did our best to keep peace. However, as the years went by, he was less and less kind to my mother. They are currently in the process of divorce and my mom feels like she has wasted the last 25 years of her life. These should be the golden years, not having to start over.

All this to say... Children are very intuitive. You can't fool a child - they are just so perceptive. If you can't rely on your own judgement, follow your children's. They deserve a happy, peaceful childhood and you deserve a kind, loving man who loves you and your children.

I know that advice is easier to give than to receive, but I really feel for your children. Please put them first. You won't ever regret it.

Wishing you and your family all the best,
R.

I feel that you have made your decision already and a very good one. If your children are the most important and you want to protect them- they want what is best for you, but still say that he treats them poorly- say goodbye. Staying with someone for their sake seems not to be the best for your family and perhaps he needs this wake up call for his own kids sake. I hope it all goes well for you and your family and what ever you decide to do it will be a good decision for the right reasons. You seem to have a good thought process and you can do what you need to do! Good luck. Mer RN

Wow - that is tough, but you are a Mother first. In my instinct if you are not happy in the relationship and are not sure you love him anymore...you probably don't. But you are feeling bad about where he will live and his daughters as well. I feel bad knowing that he doesn't treat them nice when things go rough with you two. Do you have a talking relationship with the ex-wife? It's important that you tell his daughters that they are great and you will always care for them and that if you break up with their father it had nothing to do with them.

If your daughter and son are not happy, and if you are not happy...you have your answer. I know it's not easy - but don't you feel you deserve the BEST?!?!

I am always hear as a listening ear.

A.

Dump him. You say you are fierce about protecting your family, prove it. He's a grown man, where he lives is not your responsibility. How he treats your children IS your responsibility. If it's bad enough that your daughters talked to you about it, it's bad. Dump him.

He's got to go. Your children deserve to be happy and ne first in your life. Too many women sacrifice their children so they can have some "man" in their life even if this person does not add joy to their lives and home. I wouldn;t feel bad about where he goes, that is his problem not yours and he is a grown man. It appears to me that your children & his daughter are having to deal with too many adult issues that they should not be concerned with due to this relationship. Life is short - get him out & move on. Your children will love you for it and will not have resentment later in life.

if you are as you say "fierce about protecting my family", then you already know the answer. why would you feel bad about kicking a GROWN man out of your house? he can take care of himself, your 13 year old son cannot. if you are doubting the relationship and the love you feel for your boyfriend then focus on the relationships that matter to you: your children and soon to be grandbaby! just my opinion...good luck :)

K.,

His problems have nothing to do with you, he has his own issues to work out.
Get out now before it gets more complicated, you owe it to yourself and your children to live in peace and to be treated well.
R.

It sounds like an easy decision, just tough to execute. The tougher thing was probably for your children: getting the courage to talk to you about it. Don't make them ask twice. Don't make them beg and coax you.

There is no reason for you to keep him living with you. Love can still exist without cohabitation.

Why would you want a man that you're not sure whether he will do okay on his own? He'll probably be just fine. There's no reason you have to end the relationship just to have him live separately. I assume you can afford your home without his income. It sounds like he's not carrying his responsibilities well right now, although I am sure there is a lot more to the story.

Your message is full of the answers to your own questions. Get him out. Be fierce about protecting your family.

Hi K.,
I really feel that you are placing your family in harm's way rather than protecting them at this point. Although I know you have not voiced any real eminent danger to them, just that he is treating them badly when he is angry with you, and that you have many reasons why you don't want to be with him or even know if you love him reflects the fact that you may be weaker than you though when it comes to being fierce enough to put this man out and get on with your life. Why are you hanging on? I sure hope not because you do not feel you can't get anyone else, or that he has taken your self esteem to that ugly school of thought.
So what if he has no means to survive other than you? He made it quite fine before you took him in and allowed him to become a personal mooch. He knew he was no where before he met you and since he has not made any moves toward self improvement let him go, or you will be settling for a "peice of a man" when you could have a "whole man." Your children does not need the example he is setting. Your daughter should not believe that she should be the primary bread winner when there is a man present in her life, and your son should not be lead to believe that that is what women are there for. You don't have to put up with baby momma drama, but it is a good indicator of what you've got in him for a man sometimes. Let the tigeress out and say, "Grasshopper, it is time for you to leave!" Don't worry too much about where he will go or what he will do. He is a grown man, and you can do bad by yourself. Your daughter, God Bless her, is with child and she doesnt need him aggravating her. Something is really wrong when your son as sweet as he sounds does not want to be at home. Pray for your boyfriend and ask the Lord to give him a new mind and heart, ask the Lord to bless him with prosperity and good health and let him go.
At 43, you are young and have the world to discover as far as good relationships go. You don't need this.
I hope it all works out for you, but in order to get the good, you have to say goodbye to what is not so good.
I send you my very best and I will pray for you too.
Many women have stood in your shoes and they walked away and did not look back. They did fine K., and you will too. Keep your head up and God in the equation.
Jen

I don't know what to tell you to do, but as I was reading your request, I read the "A little about me" section. It states that you are fierce about protecting my family. I think that you already have your answer, but need to carry it out. Good Luck.

It can be difficult to get out of a relationship, even when you know it's not working. You think things will get better if he will just (fill in the blank). You hope, you worry, you think you won't find anything better.

Your children have brought the seriousness of this down on you. In my opinion, when your son is so unhappy at home that he goes to sleep somewhere else, there is no longer a question.

You must let this man out of your life.

It will be hard at first, but it will get easier and easier, and your family will be happier in the long run.

If you start to have doubts, repeat some mantras like:
I can do this.
I can handle these emotions.
I am ready to accept the next gift God (or "the Universe") has to offer me

Good luck.

In my opinion he needs to leave. If you childern have worked up the courage to confront you then this may be their breaking point. Kids come first.

Since I haven't been there, I can only offer advice. It sounds like it would be better all around if he moves out. Tell him that you would like to continue to date, at least for a little while, but you need space. This would allow you to find out what it's like without him being around all the time without breaking up completely. I can tell you that it is easier to really think about a relationship when the person isn't staring you in the face. You may find that things are better without him there, but that you are happy to still date. You may discover you don't want to be with him at all and end up breaking up altogether. Which is honestly what it sounds like you already think. But I think it will definitely be easier to figure out with space. And your children should definitely be big in your decision. They are your flesh and blood and since you aren't married to him, they should come first.
And frankly, it isn't your job to take care of him. That sort of responsibility comes with a marriage bond, not a live in boyfriend.

i personally think that staying in a bad relationship, and haveing your kids unhappy, just because he needs a place to live is a very bad idea. he is only "sucking up" to you for that reason(seems like.) if he was with out you, (and your roof over his head,) he would be forced to "land on his feet" and take care of himself. sound like hes lazy. he would be just fine, i am sure, if you "kicked him to the curb!"

It sounds as if you have already answered you own question. If you and your children are not happy ,hhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm............Did you ever wonder that by staying true to your own happiness ,you may help him find his, even if it seems ugly and not nice. I think if you truly love someone, you can never "stop " the love , but this DOES NOT MEAN you have to STAY with this person . This is not love.This is enabling, and diabling for all involved if there is no joy.
If you are questioning your love , question the love of yourself fist and your worth so you can be the best ,happiest ,heathiest example for your children , your friends ,and everyone around you especially and including your most itimaite relationships.
best of luck.
stay true , trust and believe in what you truly see as the highest version of yourself and than notice the obstacles you have placed in the way ..........maybe this anxiety is showing you that its time to move them :)

Life is too short, and too long to be unhappy so that someone else can have a comfortable life. If you feel really guilty kicking him out give him a couple of thousand dollars to get an apartment with. Put your son first. Good luck.

If you don't like the fella anymore and you kids certainly don't, then he should find his own space! You are not exactly married, so what are you afraid of giving up?

Hi K.,

All I can say, is blood is blood.... if your kids are not happy and they are still at home, get out of the relationship. I made a compromise years ago in my second marriage when my now 17 year old was just little and it was a huge mistake. Take care of your kids and you. If you aren't happy, then get out of it. If he doesn't make enough money, that isn't your problem. I know this is harsh, but I have been there and being harsh is the only way to get through it. If kids on both sides say there are issues when something goes wrong, then you don't need him. You can stay friends or whatever you want to do, you don't have to be mean.... that isn't what mean, but you do have to look out for you and your kids.
Good luck with your decision..... you are in my prayers!
I too am 43 and on my 3rd marriage.... I know where you are at. :-)
Roz

If he is not treating your children right--you said your kids have valid reasons--he should not be there! You have to put your kids first!!!! He is a grown man. It's his responsibility to take care of himself. You're not responsible for him; your duties lie in raising your children. I know it can be very complicated, but the bottom line is that you won't get to do things over with your children. Do you want them to think (for the rest of their lives) that you haven't made them your top priority? Especially when you're not even sure if you love this guy....

I can't understand what the question is. I agree with everyone else.

Having grown up in a household where my mother had more than one BF who sounded just like yours RUN! Do not let him impact the way that your children view their mother - to be in a serious relationship with children involved both parties need to respect the children involved. Someone who treats their own children badly sounds like a cowart and someone not worthy of damaging your relationship with your children - that coupled with the fact that you should want to be with someone that complements you and makes you a better person, not somone who cannot afford to support themselves.
I am now an educated, married mother to a wonderful 9mo old little boy who my mother does not get to see partially bc of her actions and choices she made that negatively impacted me and my siblings lives, but also bc her current boyfriend "needs" her more than her 1st and only grandchild does. Dont be that person that unfortunately so many dating moms are.

If you are fierce about protecting your family as you say, then it seems as if you already know the answer. It seems as if your kids approched you in a loving a respectful way with thier concerns. I'm sure you appreciate that very much. You have a grandchild coming into your household and creating a nurturing and safe environment for him/her should be top priority. Loving you means loving your kids too. I think you already know the answer and I'm sure he has some firends or family member who can help him make a transition to living on his own. He's a big boy and a dad, let him figure it out.

It's very sweet that your son wants you to be happy so will not say anything even though he's not happy. But....... a mom's job is to make sure her kids are happy. I could go on and on but I think it's a simple answer - get rid of the boyfriend. He's old enough to figure out how to make things work out for himself. Lose him before your kids resent you.

I would just kick him to the curb. If he treats your kids & his this way get rid of him. He may just want you to support him. No man is worth you kids being unhappy for worse!!.

If you want to be nice- you can find someone to take him in. One of his guy friends maybe.

some guys in couple's counseling will say & do whatever to keep you, but once they are out of the office, their habits are the same.

How well do you know this guy. Will you need a restraining order?

Tell him bye-bye! Your kids are more important than him. Get him out of your house. Sounds like he is being loving to you because he needs a place to live.

If you step outside the box, then you have already answered your question. You need to let him go especially if he treat your children badly. God made more then one man & there are some good men left for you that will also adore your children.
God Bless

Show him the door he is obviously not making you happy anymore and it is affecting your family. Be strong and remember it is your house. Good Luck!! LisaM

I guess it would depend on why the kids are not comfortable around your bf as to whether or not you tell him to leave. Are they jealous of the relationship or are there valid reasons? Have you discussed their concerns with the bf? You said the kids have valid reasons. If the reasons are serious enough and the bf will not change then I would tell him he has to go. I might help him find a roommate or a place to live but he would have to go. Your kids should be comfortable in their own home. Once he's moved out then you can decide if you want to go to couple's counseling. If the issues the kids have are minor then you all could do family counseling. Sit down with him and discuss it. Tell him my kids are uncomfortable because of blah blah blah. Either we go to counseling and work this out or you move. I'd decide on a time frame too. If things are not improving by so many weeks, months or whatever then he has to move.

Since he is not your husband or the father to any of your children, you need to take a stand for YOUR children and do the right thing: ask boyfriend to move out. You don't even know if you love your boyfriend. But are you certain you love your children? I would have to assume the answer to that question would be a big YES! Don't feel bad for your boyfriend because he can't afford to live on his own...that is HIS problem, not yours. He is a grown man, capable of finding a way to support himself however he is able to and the time to start supporting himself needs to start now. You will be doing your children a favor by setting an example so they will know that it is never right for a man to treat anyone badly, regardless if you are home or not. Seriously, you need to ask this man to leave and personally, I wouldn't ask any man to move in again unless he's moving in as your husband.

In your bio you've made your own decision. "I'm fierce about protecting my family." If so, there really is no decision to make. There will be some tough times and you'll need to change the locks. If you "don't know whether you love him," then you don't. If you loved him, you would know. Don't STAY in a relationship out of fear. Take care of yourself and your family. Get help if needed.

I completely agree with all previous responses.. Your children and his children are telling you the same thing.. END IT before its too late.. I think deep inside you already know the answer.. if this man is one way with you and a completely different way with your precious children, isnt it just a matter of time before he begins to treat you badly too.. Protect your children and yourself.. tell him its over... and a word of caution.. not sure if he has ever physically abused your children but if you even for a momment believe ending it will get physical, make sure you have someone at the house that can protect you, like the police... Good luck and God bless....

wow, i think you and i live very similiar lives. i'm married to mine though. if you want to talk, pm me. maybe we can at least commiserate.

Your children told you when your in-live boyfriend treated them not good while you were not around. It sound not great. he has had bitter though previous marriage. it is part of his personity and character. You can not change him.that is his way.he probably treats your soon be grandchild not good same as your kids. If u keep him then your kids will resent you, you may not see your kids and grandchild as much near future they may decide to leave you alone with a loser while you keep that relationship with in-live loser. KICK HIM OUT before your kids leave you for good. I do not want to be harsh but thats how children feel important to be happy with their own lives when they grow up and prefer life better than stuck with unhappy life with that loser if you keep him. it's your decide wheather important your children and grandchild or your in-live boyfriend. I were you, I would dump him and protect children and soon be grandchild. NOT let him play with your mind and emotions. Life is moving on. Important key is "Where is happy family" which is important than unhappy family. You said that he has no money to afford to his own place TOO BAD. He did treat your children not good and not happy. he seemed use your place as under roof and not make your family happy. he is using you and take advange of you because you own house and own everything.

Tell him to leave your home and let him take care by his own place. Let's your children and grandchild enjoy and happy spend together as family.

Good Luck

children's intuition is very good and powerful thing. your children come first. do the right thing, the hard thing, get rid of him. don't worry about his financial situation. he will figure things out, that is not your problem. it sounds like once you get him out, you and your children will be so much happier. I know it is not easy, but you will be so thankful afterwards, once it is done.

Don't you dare feel guilty for kicking him out...My bro in law just got his own apt and he only makes $10 per hour so please!!! There are many nice subsidized apts. out there if that's what he needs..If his credit is bad too, then that is his problem, he is a grown man. He knows how to play on your emotions, don't try to keep convincing yourself you love him, just to avoid more drama....If you're kids are not happy, he has to go, you have to think of them, not him...Of course he is loving w/you...You are the hand that feeds him...Life is too short...

I put up with an absolute jerk for a year longer than I should have because I was worried that he wouldn't have a place to stay if I threw him out as he was sporadically employed. It was a total waste of my time and not even a little bit worth it. When I finally did throw him out he went and lived with some friends of his and became their problem. Fortunately it was just me, no kids, so my bad choices were only making me miserable, but still. If you feel like you have to decide if you still love him, your kids don't like him and you aren't happy...I think that's your answer. Let him become someone else's problem.

In the section titled "a little about me" you said you are fierce about protecting your family. That being said, I do believe you know what you should do.

If you were "fierce about protecting my familY" then you already know what you have to do. Why even have that around your children and soon to be gradnchild. Your children are telling you something, listen to them!

I think you should say him to leave. Some body who treats bad your kids does not love you. He maight need you but is it enough for you? Is this a healthy relation ship? Some body who is mean whith children is not a good person. you deserve something better. Get free of a man who need you to take care of him and at the same time is bad with your children! You deserve some body GOOD, who can afford himself, and who love you and give love and support to you and your children. And if this kind of man would not exist, is better to stay by your self. Be strong, be brave, may the force be with you!!! good luck

Why are you modeling this kind of relationship in front of your kids? How do you decide if you still love him? You would know if you did.

Ask the Lord for wisdom (read the book of Proverbs) and stop living in sin (according to the Bible).

I think you already know the answer deep down.

I feel terrible giving advice about something I never experienced. What I wanted to say is that you will find the answer within yourself if you already didnt. For me I always think...I demand from life not medium, but the best. Demand for yours too, the best. And you will have your answers. Wish you good luck and strenght.T.

Hello K.,
These are clear indicators of an abusive person with anger issues. You may have not encountered it yet....chances are you will in the future if you continue to keep this man in your home. As a mother, you said you are fiercely protective. I would advise you to get this man out of your house today. Do not wait. He will find another place to stay. As a mother we feel guilty about anything and everything. The thing that is really troubling to me is that your own son doesn't even want to be at home. That should be a huge red flag to you. I will be praying for you and your family that you will make the right decision and get this man out of your life.

Not only do you owe it to your children to "be fierce and protect them" as you have stated and many others have stated in their replies, you also owe them the example of a positive and loving relationship. If it is just you providing it, that's okay. If they are seeing you in a dysfuntional relationship, it will influence the relationships that they will be building one day in their futures.
For all of your sakes, ask him to leave. Pity or hoping things will one day improve is not a good enough reason to subject your very easily influenced and vulnerable 13 year old son (and others?) to a poor male role model.

Hi K.,
If you have to question if you still love him then in my pinion you dont. We tend to get so used to the ways things are that we are afraid to move on. I would suggest telling him to go. If you are not happy and you kids are not happy then what is the point? It is notyour problem if he cant afford to live on his own.

If it were me and my kids were not happy becasue he is not treating them right then HE WOULD HAVE TO GO!

T.
Working towards my retirement
www.4ourfreedom.com

there has to be some reason for this relationship but what ever you do dont put your kids thru this torment you had them before you met him so they should come first.you are not responsible for a grown man unless you choose to be and sometimes we make some very bad choices.please dont do that to your children.they are so precious and should not be mistreated by anyone and i mean anyone.it hurts my heart to think chilren are being treated badly.so really consider children first and if you need counseling please get it the kids need you now.i dont mean to be defensive or mean but i just love kids they are my heartbeat.lots of luck for you and your children and may god keep and bless you all.but please seek help at all cost.ask yourself this question am i responsible for this man or my children who do i choose. you need to amke a choice and i hope for your sake it is your children.god may ever bless you C.

While it may be a difficult decision to make initially, it sounds as if you should TELL(not ask)your boy friend to leave. Moreover, if you have other more complicated reasons than you have described, those reasons are more than sufficient to reclaim peace within your home and in the lives of you and your children.

you're first responsibility as a mother is to protect your kids. it sounds like your children are very mature by coming to you with their feelings regarding this. so do something about it. what kind of message are you sending your children if you allow this person to remain in your home and around your children? get rid of this guy before it's too late.

I was reading the letter very seriously until I read "he doesn't have enough money to afford his own place". That's his problem; not yours. GET OUT!!!! You'll never forgive yourself if something happens to your children and you were warned.