Help Me! My Husband Is Suing Me for Custody

Get a lawyer

There is NOOOOO way to deal with a divorce like he is trying to build, without a lawyer. It is the rest of your son's life that is at stake, and you soon-to-be-ex clearly hasn't got the reality of mommy-loss in his picture. However much it costs right now, any long-term costs would be greater if you *don't* get a good, will-fight-for-you lawyer.

My now-Ex was writing stuff down about me and I *didn't* know it until later ... hello, *you've* (temporarily but massively) destroyed my emotional stability and then you are writing down when I act emotionally unstable, like it's something inherent to me and a reason to take the kids? Not so much!! Hopefully (and presumably) the courts see this scenario ALL THE TIME.

Get a lawyer.

(I managed to defuse my ex far enough that we settled out of court via a mediator. I wouldn't necessarily recommend it, and I think if I had it to do again, I would have acquired a lawyer earlier in the process instead of only at the end to 'check my work' as it were.)

If you are in Portland, I liked my lawyer, who walked a very fine line between expressing what a jerk my ex was being and accepting that I was not interested in being aggressive (just assertive) in *my* part of the negotiations/settlement, even though he came on (initially) aggressively.

(The divorcing partner is often hurt and angry enough about [whatever] to truly feel their demands and revenge are justified ... if he has any sense or self-objectivity he'll start looking for balancing advice soon ... we can hope. God bless. Especially your little boy.)

Ouch! Going through something similar and equally as frightening. I found a free lawyer counsult, got advice, convinced my soon to be ex to see a mediator, and now I have more information. I am still looking for what info/compromises I will have to make in this process (and recently posted here as much). I can say one thing, any way you can get info from a lawyer (and be honest!!) the better. Next try to move to mediation (better for kids and relationship w/ex) the better. Our appt is on Monday. If we can't work out some type of intermediate thing then, we proceed to lawyers. It hurts most when kids are involved. My thoughts are with you.

J.,

I am not a lawyer, but I do know that Judges want what is best for the child which is joint custody. Your son will spend 3 1/2 Days with you and the same with Daddy. Just ignore his threats and keep telling the courts that you want what is best for your child. Good luck.

I'll repeat that you need a good lawyer. What your soon to be ex might not expect is for you to have documentation as well. If you are still living in the same house, you probably have access to all of your financial records since you were married. If he isn't living with you any longer presumably he doesn't have this luxury. My sister is going through a divorce in IL and did something interesting that has helped her, I'm not sure if it's the case in OR, however. In IL, if you consult with a lawyer to see if they will take your case then your ex can not use that person at a later date. These initial consults are usually free. My sister made a list of all of the good lawyers in her county and consulted with each one. It really limited the lawyers her soon to be ex could use and she got to pick the best one she could afford. I would also like to agree with the poster who said it is better to pay for the best lawyer for the next several years than lose your son. My personal guess is that he is trying to get full custody so you will have to pay HIM child support and then he won't have to work (or at least not as hard).

Good luck! Stick with the counseling, it will help, but keep it a secret from him if at all possible!

S.

get. a. lawyer. then have your lawyer seek attorney fees from your ex.

The status quo order can be lifted if it is an unhealthy situation. He is behaving like a stalker by recording everything that you do.

If this man can't and hasn't held a job down, not because you all agreed that he be a stay at home dad, but bc he can't be stable..you are in a much better situation here.
If you guys agreed to his being a SAHD and you are the breadwinner...you could end up in hte unfortuante situation of supporting HIM too. :(

You can have you r counselor document the stress and psychological unhealthiness of this situation and have your attorney address this with the court.

good luck.

Oh, J..
I am sorry you are going through this. I am sorry that your husband is doing this.
It sounds like he is in a great deal of pain and lashing out at you the only way he knows he can get to you. He knows you love your child. He thinks you don't love him. That hurts a lot, obviously it's unbearable to him. He wants to get back at you (which is, unfortunately human nature- revenge). That's probably going to cause you to freak out a little. I would.
Stop. Breathe.
Someone needs to keep a level head here, and it sounds like you are going to have to make the first step. I know it's hard to reach out to someone because of pride and stubborness, but we are talking about doing something selfless for the benefit of your son.
You guys need to go see a good counselor and start talking. Even if it's not for reconciliation. Just start a good communication back and forth.
When ever there is a roadblock like this and two people are on opposite sides, and the fighting is on - someone(maybe both you )just need to feel heard.
It is sooooo hard to be calm when all of this is happening, I know. This reaction comes from a place of fear, though. Do you want your decisions to come from fear?
Everything will work out the way it's supposed to.
So easy for me to say when I am not emotionally invested in what's going on, I know.
Trust me when I say this, stay calm, try to talk to him and trust in karma. If you've been a good mom there shouldn't be cause to worry.

If you're in Washington State, it is a joint custody state. If not, check the laws of your state. Many states may be joint custody states now.

But first, get a lawyer, even if you think you can't afford it. You can't not afford to. Call the Bar Association of your state and find a good divorce lawyer. PS. When you get the divorce, make it so you both sell the house and you can use that money to pay the lawyer.

You will probably have to pay some maintenance because he hasn't worked. Make it limited for a certain amount of years--say 2 years. There is no reason for him to not work.

It sounds as if he is in the house. Get him out. If he wants a divorce then he needs to be out. If you can't get him out, get him on a different floor and make him eat his meals out. You need privacy. Your situation is untenable.

I have been there. Good luck. It does get better, even if it takes a long time.

The most important thing is GET YOURSELF A GOOD LAWYER. You may not be able to afford one, but paying on a lawyer for the next 5 years is better than losing your son. You could even check into legal aid. No matter what though, don't go into it without one!

If you have mediation, try to offer that he can have the boy while you work instead of using child care.

If you have a lawyer, then the fact that he doesn't work may be enough in your favor to make it an easy win.

I don't know, but somehow the whole situation sounds strange to me, as if he didn't really want to get divorced.. Maybe he's just trying to keep you close in order to collect "evidence" against you, but I'd really try to get out of that house. Being watched 24/7 would drive everyone nuts. I agree with the other posters who suggest that he might want to have full custody to collect both child and spousal support (as far as I know, if you share custody there's no child support to anyone). This could secure his status quo of being able to stay at home and do whatever. Your son is almost of the age to start pre-school, and that would not give him a reason to stay at home full-time any more (strange that he started the whole farce now, isn't it?)..

Definitely get a good lawyer and go from there. I think his chances are very slim, because you spend a great deal of time with your son, and disrupting this situation would definitely be not in his interest at all..

Good luck to you! S.

Since he decided to put that order on your child. Write up that he must now pay half mortgage & rent. Get a laywer!

Buy one of each these & have them sent to your work.
http://www.asafehome.net/index.html
http://www.lockeystore.com/servlet/the-5/lockey,-digital,...
Set the combo to something your soon to be ex couldn't figure out (no birthdays or numbers he knows etc.).
Buy a solid core door for your bedroom.
Have a friend or handyman help you install all of these together at once, make sure to use 4 inch screws on the hinges.
Start gathering all the stuff that will help you. All financials & bring the computer in your room.

Get out, take the baby with you and get a lawyer. If you don't have money you might be able to find a good lawyer who will take the case pro bono (for free). But if your nervous about getting out of that house to save you sanity (and the baby being around it isn't good for him either) get a lawyer first so you can get out and not jeapordize winning custody or at least joint custody.

YOU NEED A LAWYER Please get one, if you live in the kenmore/bothell area i have a good one very close to our family friend.you can e-mail me at ____@____.com
lori