HELP ME To Not Get Angry and Frustrated at Bedtime

Why should you have to do all the work? Make dad do it. There is no reason that he should not be involved yet get to pass judgement.

Have you tried a reward system? My girls are older now but that seems to work, (and still works) it has to be something that he would really want. Do you have quiet time with him before bedtime, maybe story time something to slow him down.

Good luck!

C.

Hi J.,

You're not losing your mind, you don't have an anger management problem, you just have a schedule and/or energy management problem. ANYONE will get cranky, depressed and easily frustrated when chronically tired. Managing the symptoms will not work very well, and won't resolve anything in the long term. Instead, go straight for the root cause...

You don't give enough information for me to know whether it's schedule or energy, but if you contact me privately either through mamasource, or at ###-###-#### (I can call you right back if you're calling long distance), we can discuss it more in detail and figure it out together. It could be as easy as switching one or two things around in your schedule (remind me to tell you how a mother was able to move her 4-year-old's bedtime from 10 to 8:30 in 4 days with a single change in routine), or a collection of little changes that together will amount to big results. Many moms have come to me in situations very similar to yours, with great success (I'm a peaceful productivity coach, with a focus on moms).

Big hug,
K.

I feel like I just read my life story. Wow... I have the EXACT same life.... I am very unhappy with my job and my EXTREME tiredness. There just isn;'t enough time in the day for moms like us. And the one thing we don't want to give up, is the gym in the morning... but then, where do we find the extra time?

Well, here is what I do, regarding the sleep issue... (I still have no solution to getting everything done and getting to bed at a reasonable enough hour to actually feel good the next day)
Ask your son why he won't sleep. I spoke to my daughter (2.5 also) and she told me she screams for me to come back in her room because she just wants to see me one more time, because she is lonely. I have chosen not to be mad or annoyed that she yeslls once I put her to bed. I just go about my responsibilities every night, and take breaks to pop my head in and tell her I love her and say goodnight again. By the time she falls asleep at 10:00, I am ready for bed too... I don't devote my evening from 8-10 to her. I put her to bed at 8 and she gets a few seconds of my time every so often. I do it happily and her cuteness is worth it every time I go in.

I am not sure what you exact issue is. For me, it's just her yelling for me. But she is in her room in bed after 8... If he won't even go in his room, I guess this won't work. But 2.5 year olds know exactly what they are doing. So have a conversation with him. Ask him what his problem is. become his ally in helping him get to bed peacefully.

As far as the rest of your life struggles... I don't know. I get home at 6 and just take care of one responsibility after the other and I feel like I get no "quality time" with my kids (I have a baby too). It is so hard. But I just focus on the positive. I get true joy out of my kids' cuteness. Live for that. It will never cease. Life won't get easier.... It will only get better if you feel better about it. If you can't change your circumstances, accept them and make the best of them.

I am up for a vent if you want to email me. Just click my name. Really, we live the SAME life... I have good days and bad. The worst is by Thursday when the sleep deprivation of the week has built up and I am a cranky wreck...

I think it's awesome that you can get 'me time'. My me time consists of those rare occasions when I can go to the store by myself. Sad really. And you shouldn't have to give up normal bedtimes just because you get up so early to get to the gym before work.

I have a ten year old, 4 year old and a 3 month old. And getting kids to sleep at bedtime and in their own beds is never easy. I think having a routine is the biggest thing. Then they know what's coming and what to expect. My daughter gets a story and then the good night song. My ten year old had the same routine but now she reads to herself.

With Emily I stayed with her till she fell asleep for while. then I moved to standing at the door and then once she was going to sleep by herself she never looked back. Ashley was different. She wanted to sleep with me.She kept coming to bed with us. I used the supernanny technique and though it took a few days it worked and Ashley now sleeps in her own bed. Her bedtime is 7:30pm and on the weekends I let her stay up til 8-8:30. The key is to be consistent. Bed times should stay the same every day. Routines. Establish a routine so the kids can understand it's bed time. And follow through. Put them to bed and say good night and all that. If they come out you tell them its time for bed and put them back in bed. Ashley kept coming out. I said it's bedtime a couple times and put her back and then after a couple times you don't look at them and just pick them up and return them to bed. It is tiring. It can be frustrating. But I kept doing it until she went to sleep. And then after a couple of days she just did it.

Your husband and you must both be on the same page too. If your husband is mad at you your son senses a crack and uses any discord to his advantage. Yes, two year olds do that. The first thing kids learn is manipulation.

And if your husband says you need help, perhaps you should realize that HE should be helping you. You need to be on the same page. Realize also that it's harder to pick up an older kid and put them in their bed. Better to get this under control now. Kids need sleep. I drive my kids crazy explaining WHY they need to get their sleep to them.... LOL! good luck. realize that you and your husband are in this together and you at least have him outnumbered.

I think if you are able to get your evening routine sorted out then you will feel a lot better - less tired, plus some "me" time in the evenings.
At 2 and a half your child may not need daytime naps at all, so long as he gets enough sleep during the night. Both my kids stopped daytime sleeping between 2 and 3, but slept 12 hours+ at night.
Your bedtime routine shouldn't last longer than half an hour to an hour. The first week or so may be very tough, but I promise you that if you stick with it he will very soon forget what went before and go to bed like a lamb.
The gate on the bedroom door is a good idea. He must learn that once he is in bed he does not get up again. That is the point you have to stick to. If you give in at all you go back to square one.
Sort out a SHORT routine that includes all the things you need to do (bath, teeth cleaning, bedtime drink, whatever) plus a wind-down activity like a story or song. Don't get sucked into too much of this - we have a one story rule in our house, or it can end up taking forever! I'd recommend no TV after, say, 6 pm.
Say good night and leave the room. Personally I'd recommend shutting the door and not using nightlights as I think full darkness helps them fall asleep quicker, but I know that doesn't work for everyone.
If he gets up again or cries, ignore it for as long as you can, then just keep on putting him back to bed. Don't reward it with any "positive" stuff e.g. another story or anything. Speak to him as little as you can - just return him to bed. You may have to do this many times to start with, but don't give up.
Set aside a week or so to do this. Make it your "project" for that period, and try to keep other pressures on you to a minimum during that period. E.g. let yourself off the early morning gym, and try to choose a week you are less busy at work.
To keep yourself calm: remember that once you have established an effective, short routine, you will have an extra 3 hours or so to yourself in the evening, and it will all be worth it! Also remember that once your child is getting enough sleep, he will not be so overtired and your bedtimes will be much less unhappy.
Good sleep makes more good sleep. A lot of kids don't get enough of it.
My 4 year old sleeps from 7 pm til 7.30 am every night, and my 9 year old is in bed 8 pm to 7 am on school nights, with a slightly later bedtime at weekends. It means my husband and I have evening time to do our own thing, spend time together and go out together too. Just stick with it, be firm and consistent, but don't shout or let him see you are upset, and it will work out. Good luck!

Isn't it ironic that the time of day (bedtime) when you need to be the most flexible, the most patient, the most creative, is when you are completely and totally spent? It is great that you recognize that you need time for yourself, to exercise and an ear to talk to. Keep it up. Perhaps you can make a pact with you and your husband that when he comes home at 7:30 that you get to leave the house and go for a walk or just take a breather, even for 1/2 hour. Let him deal with bedtime stuff and then you can come back for the last book or tuck in. Perhaps the shake up of energy will help everybody get out of the rut of bad bedtime associations. Perhaps when you are awake, rested and have some calm energy to devote to it, you could think about different ways to handle some of the tough times that come up during bedtime, or revisit some of the ones that have been suggested to you. It's too hard to think of them in the heat of the moment when you are exhausted yourself.

Keep taking care of yourself and keep the lines of communication open between you, your husband/best friend and your child.

YES, everyone gets angry & frustrated. It all depends on how we handle it. It's tough, but try not to show your son your emotions. When kids know they're pushing your buttons, it makes them try harder to get more of a response from you. Sometimes, ignoring them when they are being unruly & unreasonable works. If nothing else, it gives you 5 minutes to go to another room - I prefer the garage because then I can't hear the screams/cries as loud - to recompose yourself. While time-outs are necessary for children, moms need them occasionally too. I'm sure you've tried establishing a routine & sticking with it. Perhaps try getting your son to help set up a new routine. Have you asked him what problems he has with bedtime? If you could talk to him about it, you have something to work at together. Keep it short, sweet & simple so that it doesn't turn into a 3 hour bedtime process. There are times that bedtime in my house still takes forever & my kids are 6, 4.5 & 3! Just keep trying & if you find something that works, stick with it!
Good Luck! Remember, all moms have been where you are at some point. It will get better, eventually :)

O.K., I think someone needs to be very open here and I hope you excuse me for being it.
In my eyes, YOU have no problem whatsoever. It is your husband that is the center of the problem. Just imagine: If you and him could decide on what the plan for the bedtime routine is and if BOTH of you would carry the burden to stick through with it, then, within a few days, your son would be sleeping at a decent time. This would give you both peace in the evening and time to really discuss the problems in your marriage and not him just blaming you. Then you could go to bed, get a decent amount of sleep, wake refresh and emotionally balanced the next morning and work out. You would feel supported by your husband and everybody would be in a much better mood because of a decent amount of sleep.

I find the fact that he is able to blame you and you actually believing that he is right very disturbing. You are already at a point of actually believing this BS, instead of seeing through and laughing about his claim.

Again: Your son feels the discommunication between you and your husband and that is why he knows he does not have to listen to you.

It is going to sound crazy but, you and your husband need a night out.. I don't know if you can get a babysitter..
Also, I do get nuts like that.. I take a deep breath, SMILE and say mommy has to go to potty in private then go into the bathroom cry, scream bring radio in and take a shower. I hug my husband and hug my kid when i feel an episode coming on.. I try to find my innervoice like i tell my kid ahahahaaah i know it sounds nuts.. I do drink caffeine i have too.. but, i try to drink a lot of water to calm my nerves.. if i can't do something i do clench my teeth and ask my husband nicely to take over please..
what is your routine for bedtime?? Also, I watch Supernanny.. ahahahah

J.,
I think you have been given great advice and have good people willing to help you, that's great! The only thing I would like to bring to you is for you to check at your son's school or daycare how much does he sleep during the day. He might be sleeping too long during the day time and therefore not helping you at night time. Ask them at school, find out at what time is the naptime; and if you can just go one day towards the end of the naptime and see if they let him oversleep. If I was you I would also follow the good advice you have been given here :)
I'll pray it all works out for you and your family, please let us know how you do.

J.,

This may help you - if this is what you are looking for.

Stop fighting the bedtime. Bedtime is an EXTREMELY hard thing to move. Your son is 2. He has discovered self-will - and the fact that he can NOW make things happen or not happen.

The less you fight the bedtime (if at all) the less frustrated you will be.

If you would like more ideas like this, check out Scott Noelle at enjoyparenting.com

He has given me many ideas for working around my son (and DH :) and I've even gone so far as to pick up his book. He has a FREE 5-day-a-week mailing of ideas to help keep you sane. The Daily Groove.

I wish you luck with the frustration. I too wake early - around 2 or 3 AM and can't get back to sleep until around 6 or 7 for about 45 minutes if I'm lucky (Mommy, up!). Then I'm up until 10:30 ish with my son.

The more you go with the flow, the more you and your family will enjoy each other.

Good Luck,
M.

Dear J., I can feel what you are saying in your post. I have not seen what others have suggested but as an older mom who raised 5, this is what I will add. I am sure you need me time. Do you do this every day? You must be so tired. If you get home at 6? and hubby gets home at 7:30, this could be part of the issue. I'm sure you try to have a bedtime routine. This should include winding down, a bath and some stories. Rough play should not be before bed. I had 3 all 1 year apart. Bedtime could have been crazy and sometimes was. I would sing to them and sometimes lie down with them. What ever worked. I know the difference was that I did not have to work, back then and I could start at 6 with bathtime and they would be in bed by 7 or so. The point is they all grew up not spoiled and very much loved. Try to do whatever it takes to not get angry, that is not ideal for falling asleep. You are mommy now and other things may have to be put aside. I hope you can take all the advice and use what works for you. I only know that not enough sleep for mommy makes for a short fuse. My best, Grandma Mary

Hi J.
Don't beat yourself up over this. I would recommend that you tell your son when it is bedtime, and that if he won't go to bed, then let him play in his room quietly (door closed) for a while until you come in again to check on him--see how he is and either let him play longer or try to get him to bed. If he comes out of his room during this playtime, you'll have to keep putting him back in right away over and over again until he understands. This is less stressful for all of you, and he may learn to relax and eventually fall asleep quicker.

I agree with Lola N. You should start a routine starting at 6:30 because children take a little longer to get settled down. After dinner, start getting ready for a quiet down routine like taking a bath, eating some fruit and a bed time story. then settle your son in the bed around 8:30pm. Letting your son cry won't hurt either.....he would have to learn to get to bed at that time. I had a hard time with my first son with the same problem but he is now 8 and he goes to bed very well on his own.

Good luck with this information.

I'm glad you had a good night for a change. I just wanted to add I get very impatient and irritable when I am overtired myself. I was also pregnant and having trouble sleeping when my son was 2.5. Can you adjust things so you can get more/enough sleep? It is so hard when you have to choose between me time and sleep! I think you are onto something when you started bedtime earlier. My son started preschool and gave up naps both at 3 so now we have moved his bedtime half an hour earlier. His favorite cartoon is on at 8 pm so he gets to watch it if he is in PJs and ready (if he dawdles he misses his show-- a natural consequence rather than a parent supplied consequence). Now he is reliably in bed and sometimes sleeping by 9 (his previous bedtime). Some people don't like tv at bedtime but in this case it is working for us.

Hi J.,

First I would like to say you are not in need of help from a therapist you are in need of help from your husband. You are angry, and frustrated from exhaustion. Is there anyway you could go to the gym in the evening when your husband comes home and let him deal with the bedtime routine. I know you want quality time with your son in the evenings, but if you are frustrated and angry then it really isn't quality time is it? I don't know about you, but morning is my best time. I think it might be more beneficial to him if he wakes and has a calm mom in the morning then a tired, overwhelmed mom in the evening. As mothers we wear ourselves down trying to do it all and have it all, and you can have it all just not all at the same time. Something has to give and usually it is us who have to sacrifice which is not always fair. If your husband does not understand your feelings and try to do more then his share to help you then things will not change. I think you are putting so much pressure on yourself that you are spreading yourself thin. You are not alone we have all felt that way at one time or another. Talk to your husband in a calm moment and try to come up with a better plan since this one is not working for you. If you do the gym on weekends then you really shouldn't need more then a few nights a week to go. Also, make sure your son is not sleeping to long at his school. I own a daycare and the children are not required to stay on their cots past 30 minutes if they are not sleeping. I know many centers I worked at before I became and owner had children laying on cots for two or more hours WIDE AWAKE!! so check that out as well. Make sure he is getting enough physical activity as well during the day. I know my kids gave up naps at that age and just had a short rest time on the couch with a Disney movie. Remember if you are not happy the entire house will feel it. You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your family. It took me many years to figure that out. It is okay to put yourself first, and be selfish once in a while. In my opinion that is where the frustration comes in when you feel as if you are not being taken care of, and everything you do is for everyone else. Remember happy wife happy life!! Take care hang in there it will get better!!

I suffer anger management as well. I've not gone to see anyone about it...I'm just trying to take a step back and when I get angry, I leave the situation. Whatever is going on, I ask my husband to step in if he's around, or if it's safe then I just leave the child/children and have a few minutes away from them to collect myself. It's so hard. But, walking away does help me. Even if I close my bedroom door and a child is outside crying, I take 60seconds or so to just find a little bit of calm. I have to talk myself into being collected and not angry.
What is your bedtime routine? And how do you encourage him to embrace bedtime? When your son doesn't do what is expected, what are the ramifications/consequences? What's going on with him that he doesn't want to go to bed? You said naps are not on a routine/schedule. Could be that he's ready to give up his nap. If he's not ready to go to bed until 10pm, then perhaps you cut the daytime nap. My daughter gave up her nap at 2yrs almost to the day. But my son needs more sleep...
Back to anger, when you feel yourself getting angry - go to your husband and tell him you can feel it starting and that you "need to get help" -- from HIM. Ask him to help with your son by getting him ready for bed, reading him a story or something so that you can take some time to get zen.
As far as your routine... the best advice I have been given is to map out a plan. Stick to it. Come up with a flowchart almost of "if/then" scenarios. IF your son argues about bedtime, then you X. If your son gets out of bed, then you X. IF your son screams and cries, then you X. And you stick to that plan until everyone gets it and everyone abides by it.
Good luck! From one hot tempered lady to another! :)

Hi J.,

I feel your frustration. After a long day, a long bedtime routine is the most frustrating thing in the world. When I have a long day, I just can't wait to get the kids in bed. Your post doesn't indicate how you and your husband split the bedtime routine. Since you said your son is going to bed at 10pm after a 3 hour struggle, I'm assuming you start the routine at 7pm. I'm not sure what your routine is, but maybe you can start a half hour earlier. When my kids are overtired, as you suspect your kid is, it helps a lot to start the routine a bit earlier. I know you want to maximixe your time with your son, but some people end up keeping the kids up later to do that and it backfires by ending up with an overtired kid. Maybe you can do bath at 6:30 and have your husband take over at 7:30 when he comes home. Then you just leave the situation and let him get your son to bed. He can read a book, tuck him in, and close the door, and you try really hard not to get involved. Maybe your husband will become more sympathetic to your frustration. My husband also comes home late, anywhere between 7:30 and 8pm, and even though he's hungry, there are times I have him help me with bath/bedtime if I'm having a rough day. I also really like Supernanny's bedtime routine. It looks like hell the first night, but gets better after that. I know it seems impossible right now, but it will get better if you come up with a routine that works for you and stick to your guns. Although it's difficult, don't let your son control the night. I hope you get some more sleep! Don't worry, we've all been there with the frustration.

Hi J., you have to be consistent and keep it up! Use one of the suggestions that seems to suit you parenting style the closest. You shouldn't yell and need to follow through! Please, try this suggestion...use a timer such as the one on your microwave, set the timer for 5 minutes and tell your son "in 5 minutes will get your PJs on" when the timer goes off do as you said you would. You can use but not over use this method throughout the day...such as when you want to clean up the toys or even nap time. He will get use to you being serious and consistent. If he knows you mean what you say, he will believe you mean it is bedtime. Have a routine like, PJs, teeth, book and kiss good night.
Believe me, please...this will work but it may take a couple of weeks...you will appreciate a well rested child and the extra time for you and your husband!

I think you would have to be a saint to not be angry or frustrated after a 3hour bedtime. My thought is that maybe he misses you and so he gets out of bed for your attention. What worked for me was after telling my kids goodnight, I do not go up again. Only my husband goes up when they call. He works until 7:30 as well and I feel so guilty when he's the one going up, but it really works. They don't want to see him, and often "forget" what it was that they "needed" so after a few nights of this they don't call anymore and go right to sleep. It took us months to figure this out, but it really works for us now.
I would also talk with the daycare and insist that he takes a good 2hour nap or rest rather than sleeping sporatically.
Good luck to you, and good for you for insisting on "me time!"
Angi

I can totally sympathize and empathize, you sound like me a few years back and still sometimes today. I have 2 boys, they seem to love to see me lose it, so I've tried my best to do the opposite...sometimes they win, but now-a-days I try to be the winner..lol. I remember when they were 2.5 and 4, I had just separated from their dad and moved on my own..I had to teach them to slepp in their own room and beds, it wasn't easy, they were used to staying up late with both of us, now I was trying to get them to bed by 8:30 so I can have ME time, and get to work by 7:50am, the older one was in pre-k. I started waking them both up early 6 - 6:30, then at 7, tv was off, we had already had dinner around 6, bath time at 7, then reading for 20 minutes or as long as they were intereested. no toys, lights were then dimmed, and we prayed, we read a little prayer book, and then I'd sit near the bed and talk to them in a whisper. As the weeks passed I saw they resisted me less and less, and they actually started feeling tired near 7:30...but whenever there was a change in the routine, or in our address, or in my job schedule, they try to get to bed late again, everything gets thrown off.

Try, when you get angry, to squeeze your jaw, and talk through your teeth in a low voice, and tell your 2 yr old, who despite what anyone says knows how to manipulate the situation, tell him what you want from him..."mommy wants you in the shower now" mommy wants you in bed now...then walk away and give him 5 minutes, more fo your sake than his, and then remind him...quietly what you want...when he sees you aren't raging mad, he'll think you are more angry than he's ever seen you, which will throw him off, and he may comply.

Good luck.

I'm assuming you've tried all the "supernanny" tricks. Reward/punishment charts etc. He shouldn't be sleeping in the afternoon at all if he naps then. As for your husband telling you that you need help. Tell him he's correct, you do need help - his help!! and let him put the boy to bed. Go for a walk or something while HE deals with it for a change. We moms have a tendancey to assume that no one else can care for our children and we're very hard on ourselves! At least take turns, perhaps the two of you can work on a bedtime routine that is soothing and quiet enough to calm your son enough to go to sleep. Good luck, sleep issues are never easy. The good news is he'll outgrow it!

As a mom of twins that are just slightly younger than yours, I have benefited from sticking to a very strict bedtime routine. My boys go to bed at 7:00 pm, tired or not, I put them down, even if daddy is not home to see them before bed. At 6:00 the routine begins, a small, healthy snack and some milk, then play without TV or music. At 6:45, change diapers, brush teeth, two stories then bed. It is the same routine every night, which gives the boys comfort and me the security of knowing they will be out soon and I can get some stuff done around the house. You need to put your son in bed and leave the room after the routine, if he gets up, then put him back in bed. If you get frustrated, let your husband handle it. Remember you are the parent and you decide when the kid goes to bed, not the kid.

Lola nit the nail on the head with that one. I know you're frustrated and tired. i've been there myself. I agree with the whole gym thing- yes, you need your exercise, but take a walk on your lunch break if you can instead. Sleep is a precious commodity. I'm not dismissing the gym all together, but, having that extra hour even just two days of the week will be welcomed by your body! Also, working with the counselor might help you really prioritize your day and help you vent. You might want to try to get your husband to come to an appointment so he really gets the whole picture with what you're dealing with. Sometimes husbands in all their loving comfort don't realize everything you go through.
Do take care of yourself body and mind.

Write the word "HELP" on a piece of masking tape then stick that tape to your husband's forehead. Ok, I'm just kidding but it seems to me you may just be angry/frustrated from the sleep deprivation you are experiencing and this must change.

How much sleep do you really need per day in order to not be cranky. I naturally need 8 hours but can get away with 7 for a time. If you are going to the gym at 5:30 am and need 8 hours of sleep, you probably should be going to bed at 9 pm. I would try letting husband take a few nights a week where he gets baby boy to bed instead of you but the routine needs to be consistent from parent to parent. Keep the routine simple.

Read quiet stories make the sound of your voice soft, quiet, melodic/hypnotic the perfect tones lulling little one to sleep then say good night.

Use all of the wonderful sleep routine suggestions given by your friends at Mamasource until you find the combination that works for you but you have to stick to your guns. If crying gets baby boy what he wants, he will cry. We all have a tendancy to do what works. You have to make that no longer work for him.

I hope this helps.

Anger, fustration, lack of routine, lack of the house being organized is all the start of depression. Exercising is good, water is good, fruits ect, A 2.5 yr old should probably get one nice nap after lunch time. Being fustrated most of the day, sounds like control issues. Try the attitude of "So What" so what if the house work is not done, so what if ....A psych is not a bad idea, maybe he can help you with meds for sleeping for yourself. Can your son co-sleep with you, it sounds like he is off balance and misses you. Just STOP, take a time out for you and him and sit on the floor and have playtime, nothing else matters. I know you are very overwhelmed. You are NOT horrible, just overwhelmed and doing the best you can. lightening up on yourself some. If you can get time off from work that may be a good idea. (best case if you can afford it stay at home for a year or so. best wishes. K