HELP!!!! My 4 Year Is Still Not Potty Trained.

when you are screaming and crying, and your son is screaming and crying, it's a sure sign that everyone is pushing this way too hard.

i get the frustration that your 4 year old isn't staying dry yet, but squeezing him frantically won't get him there.

who's more important to you, your son or your boyfriend's family?

i seriously doubt that your very young child really 'wants' to scream and cry. he's just a very small fellow being pressured awfully hard and made to feel stupid and guilty over a process he doesn't yet control.

at 4 he knows what you want him to do. i'd back off this harried little boy altogether. leave the potty there and dangle a sparkly reward over it- a week of dry pants and he gets a whole mommy-and-me day with a movie or go karts or laser tag and pizza. but no punishments. ask him whether he wants pullups or underpants during the day and let him pick. until he's confirmed during the day, let the nighttime go and just have him wear pullups.

stop making this a battle. stop letting people who are not invested in your child run the show. stop trying to control his bladder. you'd scream and cry if someone did it to you.
khairete
S.

Some kids don't learn to use the potty until 4, so by itself, this isn't unusual. Frustrating, sure, but totally within the realm of normal.

But I sense tremendous frustration in your post - your "HELP!!" in the title, the fact that he is screaming and crying, your feelings of failure, and your boyfriend's family pressuring you and criticizing you. That's a bad combination.

First of all, is your boyfriend the child's father? If so, then he needs to be working with you and his son. Either way, his family has exactly zero say in this. If you generally criticized by them for other things, then you need to find some firm one-liners that shut them down ("I've got this, thanks" or "he's on target with his milestones, thanks") and your boyfriend needs to get on board with you and take your side. If he's not doing that, you've got a big problem.

Meantime, you have a 4 year old who either isn't ready to potty train (which means that his brain isn't getting the "I have to go" sensation) or is so agitated by the battle up to this point that he's shutting down. Either way, you give potty use a break. You put him back in diapers or pull-ups and you say, "Whenever you're ready, honey, you let me know." Then stop talking about it, acting frustrated, rolling your eyes, or talking about the expense of diapers - whatever is part of your routine and frustration, you have to stop.

Have you looked at any good potty books? There are some wonderful ones and you can ask the children's librarian for recommendations. You should get a book or two for yourself that teach about developmental stages and parenting techniques for things like this, and share them with your boyfriend if he's part of the family. You can also get some books for your son. Read them as part of your regular reading, but not as a punishment or requirement while sitting in the bathroom. If you need a different type of potty seat, get one. Some kids like the kind with 2 steps and some handles, some just like the round insert that keeps them from falling in. Without knowing your sons specific fears (falling into the toilet, being separated from his pee or his poop, feeling abdominal cramping), it's hard to know which books to suggest. I'm sure other moms will have their favorites, and you can also search this question on Mamapedia to see what others have posted in the past.

You cannot win this battle - so you have to make it something other than a battle! He will learn this - he will! - I promise you. Read up, and whatever method you choose, stick with it - and everyone else sticks with it too. Kids get confused if there are too many people giving instructions. Is he in preschool or daycare? If so, find ou what terms they use and any books they have already used. Work together.

And be sure that you totally separate nighttime dryness from daytime dryness. Waking up from a deep sleep to go pee is a different developmental stage. This is not something you can train a child to do, and it's not something that a child fails to do because he's lazy or stubborn.

A.

Welcome to mamapedia.

Is your boyfriend your son's daddy? If he is? Then he needs to step up to the plate and show his son how it's done.

why does it matter that your boyfriend's family doesn't (think/feel) you're doing enough? ARE THEY SUPPORTING YOU??

HOW do you "work" with him? Does his DADDY take him to the bathroom to show him how it's done?

Do you FORCE him to potty in the toilet?

Does he still wear diapers?

WHO takes care of him during the day while you're at work? If you're a stay at home mom? What is your routine?

Have you talked with your pediatrician to see if there's a problem you're not aware of?

When he screams and cries - can he TALK? Does he verbalize WHY he's upset about pottying in the toilet?

DO YOU ASK HIM WHY HE'S UPSET?!?!
I am going to assume you mean FAILURE or FAILING instead of faulting? Yes, most kids are potty trained by 4. Some aren't. Take him to a pediatric urologist and see if there is a physical or mental problem with him. If not. Be kind. work with him. TALK WITH HIM and don't scream at him.

You really didn't give enough information to answer your questions.

give up for a month. tell the boyfriends family to go away and leave you alone.
tell the boys father or father figure to help next month when you try again.
with my son i let him run around bottomless. when he started to go i rushed him to the potty and praised him for finishing in it. (it was a little childs potty i had put in the middle of the play space) and after that he realized how exciting it was to get a reward for using the potty. (i also have bare floors so an accident on them was not difficult to clean up)
not sure what methods you are using to try to train him, but there are many and you have to find the one that works for you!
don't let the boyfriends family get to you. if they think what your doing isn't enough? tell them to step up and help, it takes a village. when i was training my kids for the potty, daddy helped. if they live with you they should be helping too.

Peer pressure and getting something he wants is what made my son finally potty train at age 3.5. I totally backed off on potty training for the summer. He knew all his friends were potty trained. And he knew he could not go to preschool with his friends in the fall bc they only take potty trained kids. I had taken him to the preschool for a tour/visit in the spring and he really was looking forward to playing with their sand and water tables. He saw the cool things to play with and wished to go. Right before school started he just potty trained himself. He didn't want me to be in the bathroom or to even know....he did it on his own. He is a very strong willed kid. He had to be motivated to do it on his own with no adults bugging him about it. He's not a people pleaser type personality....in fact trying to get him to do something still will make him more stubborn not to do it and he's 14.

I had struggles with potty training my son. I have twins, boy/girl. My daughter was a breeze to get potty trained. I finally ended up purchasing this: https://www.amazon.com/Visionaire-1100-Peter-Toddler-Urin... It was the best decision ever. He immediately started using it, and he was excited that his sister couldn't use it, although she tried. LOL Good luck!

Do you know why he's so traumatized by sitting on the potty? Could he be afraid of it? Toilets can look scary to a child. If it's a real grown-ups toilet he may be afraid he's going to fall in and be flushed away. But if it's a little baby's potty, how are you approaching him about it? You could work in a way that it can be fun for him. Have you tried giving him a little toy to play with while he's sitting there? Maybe you could read to him while he's sitting there. Get him in a good mood before you try sitting him there. Has he seen YOU go potty? Whatever you do, do your best to promote a happy, positive environment about it. Or he may just be a late bloomer......?